To be disappointed that DH didn’t clean when I was on holiday?

[FairPlayer274]

I just got back from a 10 day holiday with my DD. DH didnt go because he couldn’t take off work, doesn’t particularly like camping, and has bad seasonal allergies. Before I left, I made sure that the house was clean, the laundry was done, the dogs had been to their regular vet appointments and were stocked up on meds, etc. On my way home, I thought DH would have surprised me by having kept up with the laundry and cleaning, and probably have gotten me a gift or two, as he usually does when I go away for long periods of time. Just as like an expression of “I missed you and I’m glad you’re home!”

Well… He did his dishes, but that’s about it. He said he didn’t leave things lying around, but I noticed a few of his things out. His hamper is full again, the house is dirty, and he complained that our bedding is gross (it needs to be done basically twice weekly because the dogs are always sleeping there.) He didn’t get me any gifts, but he did purchase 24 little, squishy animal toys and hide them around the house for DD to find, which she has delighted in and I thought was cute.

I was also exhausted from traveling and caring for a child on my own for 10 days and extremely touched out, and we stayed up late waiting for him to get home so DD could see him. He recognized my mood, but he didn’t make any effort to put DD to bed, either, which I thought was a bit inconsiderate.

I’m torn. On one hand, the house upkeep is my responsibility, as the financial provision is his, and he did encourage me to put some of the trip expenses on the credit card he usually pays off. And if I’m off having a holiday, maybe he should get to come home from work and do whatever he wants, too. Enjoy the child-free time, you know?

On the other hand… It’s very difficult for me to catch up on 10 days worth of cleaning and laundry, especially when I need to be preparing for a two-week work trip starting June 1st, and if he was relived from childcare for 10 days, he would have had a lot of free time to get some cleaning done. It makes me not want to go on future holidays, knowing how much I have to do when I get back. He’s also going on holiday with his older DD (she’s 18 and off at uni in another country; he’ll go to visit with her there and then they’re going to tour Portugal) in a few days, so I kind of feel like he’s getting the equivalent time off, you know?

There’s also the fact that he invited me out to lunch today and I declined because I have a lot of work to do at home and for my job (where I kind of hinted that the house is dirty because he hasn’t cleaned in 10 days) and he took that personally, like I didn’t want to spend time with him. He “joked” that he should be my #1 priority. It was… frustrating in a weird, hard, saddening kind of way. I wanted to cry over it. I’ve been jet lagged and overwhelmed by everything (also I think I forgot to take my meds) so I haven’t gotten much done today anyway. Mad at myself for it. Digging myself in deeper, I know.

I know I’m being entitled about the gift, but it also kind of feels like he’s not putting as much effort into “wooing” me as he used to. So I do feel disappointed and kind of worried about it, even if I know there’s no reason I should expect a gift. Also I didn’t bring him anything back from the trip, but that was because I didn’t have any spare room in our luggage, with all the gear and clothing we needed to bring, not for lack of consideration.

Thoughts?

This work trip you’re going on, are you being paid? Or is it some sort of course where you might be able to use what you learn to possibly earn money in the future.

When you say this involves camping too, I’m perhaps wrongly, envisioning a yoga/wellness camping retreat kind of jolly.

I hope I’m wrong.

It’s paid, and I wish it was a yoga retreat! Unfortunately it’s more likely that I’ll come home sleep deprived, sun burned, physically messed up, and absolutely drained.

but nothing makes you more grateful to be at home looking after your loved ones than experiences like that!

OP ignore the vipers on this thread. AIBU is unfortunately famous for them:

of course you are not unreasonable to expect your husband to maintain a clean house while you’re away: that’s the bare minimum of a responsible adult: as for bedtime; it’s only a rubbish dad who wouldn’t WANT to do that after not seeing his young daughter for ten days!! DH and I want to do bedtime if we miss even one night, let alone ten!

I think you need to start being a bit clearer with DH. Don’t just hint and sulk as it won’t work, Sit him down this evening and say “I’m really disappointed that you were so lazy while we were away that you couldn’t even X or Y. And I’m even more disappointed that you didn’t want to spend bedtime with DD after not seeing her for so long. What kind of message do you think that sends to her? This weekend, please do X and Y to make sure I have enough time to do A and B, and also do both bedtimes so DD feels loved by both parents.”

I find it very funny that posters who are on Mumsnet so much that amongst hundreds of threads a day, they remember two previous threads OP has made, and yet they say OP has nothing to do but be on Mumsnet.
Heh.

above post edited to include a missed out word

Read the room op!!!!

Wow, I completely agree with you! This thread has shocked me. When we take the kids away it is always understood that the other parents will actively relish getting on with all those cleaning and sorting jobs that are impossible with a bunch of kids running around. I took our 3 away last summer, and crawled straight into bed for 2 hours when I got back! It's shattering! Also yes the clean up afterwards is pretty overwhelming so I'm not surprised you felt like crying the next day.

I consider myself fairly unprincessy as well, but I'm with you here OP

This thread may just be another example of an overly indulged child trying to function as an adult.

What happened in the bathrooms that they need chemical cleaning?

Why are your dogs allowed on the beds? And how does a full hoover dustbag accumulate in 10 days?

How does 8 days prep for it and a two week work trip extrapolate to two days per month?

If you spend so much time camping and on outward bound trips why does a sub par house upset you as camping is filthy and uncomfortable.

If the dogs go to kennels when you go in a work trip why don't they when you go on holiday?

If your dh works long hours, who looked after the dogs? Oh the poor dogs.

Your dd had to endure an age inappropriate holiday and your dh didn't clean enough and buy you presents. Your dd and dh have been upset.

Time for reflection.

'What happened in the bathrooms that they need chemical cleaning?'

All cleaning involves chemicals because the entire universe is made of chemicals.

OK pedant rant over

I still don’t understand how this is a lot, unless it’s a mansion?

The laundry loads will be about 2 days worth, assuming long cycles and drying in a dryer instead of hanging them, but then while that’s done you’re cleaning the place.

Is it a massive house? I don’t understand why this can’t be sorted 2 days max.

NRTWT but have read op's.
OP, I've been with MOH for 25 years (both previously married for a long time) and we decided, many years ago, that this relationship suited us 75% of the time which was good enough for me. The other 25%, we've adapted/adjusted to (learnt to accept and not stress over) so that life is pretty good for a couple in their 70s.

May I suggest you look at your expectations vs the reality and decide what's really important to you and your family in the big scheme of things? If him doing the chores when you're away is top of the list then go for it, but, if it's actually not thst big a deal, then adapt/adjust to accepting it? I do think living with someone involves a lot of compromising over unimportant shit if the whole package is worth it (but don't become a pushover for stuff that is important to you).

You can’t possibly have so much to do that you couldn’t take 2 hours for lunch after being away for two weeks. You’re working a minimal amount, I can get a full deep clean of my house done in two days - most people do that while working more than 2 days a month. The work trip again is pretty straightforward especially when you’re not working.

Yes it would have been nice if you’d came back to a sparkling clean house, but you’ve also said your DH works long hours which presumably didn’t change because you were away.

No offense but between your two threads I imagine he was making the most of 10 days peace and quiet!

The only thing on that list that would upset me was my plants dying because of not being watered. Did you explain before you went how of to water them?

Ok so in short you took your child on an inappropriate trip that’s caused you no end of issues and you have come home tired expecting your husband to offset your choices.

YABU.

I honestly cannot imagine being this entitled. Use some of your savings to hire a cleaner next time you jaunt off.

If my husband took the kids away for 10 days, the dogs and I would be dancing around the living room in our underpants every evening, not cleaning.

I agree with you here OP. I mean, it probably depends on the kids, but if my DH took my DC on a holiday for 10 days he would be working a lot harder than me over a lot more hours whatever job I did.

Let's face it, if he works a standard 8 hours a day, 5 days a week he would have been getting home, having dinner in peace, able to watch TV or go out with friends in the evening, long showers and baths. He also likely had a weekend break all to himself... 3 year olds are awake for longer than 8 hours a day and you wouldn't have had a weekend.

He could have put on a load of laundry, hoover and throw some bleach down the toilet at the least. It really makes your heart sink when you've taken the kids out for a holiday and come back home to chores that need doing.

A house with one person in it will not get particularly dirty in 10 days.
He did the basics.
Just drop your standards a bit, OP, and give the guy a break.
And you also expect him to get you multiple gifts? Words fail me..... I think you need to live in the real world for a bit.

Struggle to see how a house can get so dirty with one person there for 10 days

And if you're basically SAHM, I'd expect cleaning to be your responsibility

That doesn’t sound like a lot to be done in 8 days - given that you’ve included “write instructions for the plant sitter” it sounds like you might be inventing things to add to the list.

“Water plants”

there you are, I’ve done it for you. And since you say your DH has killed your plants you can probably cross that one off your list!

you do sound like really hard work - you don’t work much at all, 3 loads of laundry could easily get done in 1-2 days (depending if you can hang it out to dry). Running the hoover round and mopping will take half an hour. Yeah it sucks that you have to do it and it would have been nice to come back to a sparkly clean home but it didn’t happen. You DH was still working his regular job and obviously has lower standards than you.

nobody does my work while I’m away either.

I’d probably just stop doing his laundry for a while and let him realise he’s run out of pants, but I wouldn’t expect a gift.

And the ideal opportunity to hide 24 small squidgy toys for his DC to find. He could have spent the time cleaning the house, so disappointing

the OPs household and lifestyle sounds utterly bonkers (and exhausting)

I'd be livid that he has treated his time alone as a holiday.

This x1000

For goodness sake.