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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be disappointed that DH didn’t clean when I was on holiday?

478 replies

FairPlayer274 · 22/05/2025 21:57

I just got back from a 10 day holiday with my DD. DH didnt go because he couldn’t take off work, doesn’t particularly like camping, and has bad seasonal allergies. Before I left, I made sure that the house was clean, the laundry was done, the dogs had been to their regular vet appointments and were stocked up on meds, etc. On my way home, I thought DH would have surprised me by having kept up with the laundry and cleaning, and probably have gotten me a gift or two, as he usually does when I go away for long periods of time. Just as like an expression of “I missed you and I’m glad you’re home!”

Well… He did his dishes, but that’s about it. He said he didn’t leave things lying around, but I noticed a few of his things out. His hamper is full again, the house is dirty, and he complained that our bedding is gross (it needs to be done basically twice weekly because the dogs are always sleeping there.) He didn’t get me any gifts, but he did purchase 24 little, squishy animal toys and hide them around the house for DD to find, which she has delighted in and I thought was cute.

I was also exhausted from traveling and caring for a child on my own for 10 days and extremely touched out, and we stayed up late waiting for him to get home so DD could see him. He recognized my mood, but he didn’t make any effort to put DD to bed, either, which I thought was a bit inconsiderate.

I’m torn. On one hand, the house upkeep is my responsibility, as the financial provision is his, and he did encourage me to put some of the trip expenses on the credit card he usually pays off. And if I’m off having a holiday, maybe he should get to come home from work and do whatever he wants, too. Enjoy the child-free time, you know?

On the other hand… It’s very difficult for me to catch up on 10 days worth of cleaning and laundry, especially when I need to be preparing for a two-week work trip starting June 1st, and if he was relived from childcare for 10 days, he would have had a lot of free time to get some cleaning done. It makes me not want to go on future holidays, knowing how much I have to do when I get back. He’s also going on holiday with his older DD (she’s 18 and off at uni in another country; he’ll go to visit with her there and then they’re going to tour Portugal) in a few days, so I kind of feel like he’s getting the equivalent time off, you know?

There’s also the fact that he invited me out to lunch today and I declined because I have a lot of work to do at home and for my job (where I kind of hinted that the house is dirty because he hasn’t cleaned in 10 days) and he took that personally, like I didn’t want to spend time with him. He “joked” that he should be my #1 priority. It was… frustrating in a weird, hard, saddening kind of way. I wanted to cry over it. I’ve been jet lagged and overwhelmed by everything (also I think I forgot to take my meds) so I haven’t gotten much done today anyway. Mad at myself for it. Digging myself in deeper, I know.

I know I’m being entitled about the gift, but it also kind of feels like he’s not putting as much effort into “wooing” me as he used to. So I do feel disappointed and kind of worried about it, even if I know there’s no reason I should expect a gift. Also I didn’t bring him anything back from the trip, but that was because I didn’t have any spare room in our luggage, with all the gear and clothing we needed to bring, not for lack of consideration.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
CaptainFuture · 22/05/2025 22:24

especially when I need to be preparing for a two-week work trip starting June 1st,
So where's the dc while you're away for 2 weeks?
Dad taking on responsibility? If so, that kind of destroys the pp who do the usual.....

Original poster
FairPlayer274 · 22/05/2025 22:26

CaptainFuture · 22/05/2025 22:24

especially when I need to be preparing for a two-week work trip starting June 1st,
So where's the dc while you're away for 2 weeks?
Dad taking on responsibility? If so, that kind of destroys the pp who do the usual.....

She’ll be looked after by my MIL, mum, and GM. It’s not really feasible for DH to look after her with his work schedule.

OP posts:
Ellbee83 · 22/05/2025 22:31

You're the lady who took her 3yo DD on a strenuous, multiple-leg camping trip, in sub-zero temperatures, right?

Arabiannights01 · 22/05/2025 22:32

OP I’m shocked at the responses you’ve had so far. IMO he was home alone for 10 days - what was he doing aside from working? It wouldn’t have taken him much time at all to clean - up.

re the gifts; in all honesty I think your going to have to drop that but I understand that if it’s something he would normally do then your a bit confused and disappointed. Perhaps he was actually really busy and it didn’t cross his mind? Or, perhaps he was a bit emotional that you both weren’t home with him - who knows but don’t bring that one up I’d say!

Deebee90 · 22/05/2025 22:32

Wtf are these responses. It’s his house too. I’m sorry but if I left my partner while I went on holiday for 10 days I would be expecting him to do the dishes, clean the bathroom and kitchen Atleast once and hoover up after the dogs. It’s basic cleaning and he sounds too bloody lazy to do it. So what if he works full time, most of us work full time and still manage a clean house. He’s a dirty pig.

Barney16 · 22/05/2025 22:33

Are you the camping in America lady? Aside from being nosey I would say yes he should have cleaned the house, no need to buy you a gift.

Original poster
FairPlayer274 · 22/05/2025 22:36

Ellbee83 · 22/05/2025 22:31

You're the lady who took her 3yo DD on a strenuous, multiple-leg camping trip, in sub-zero temperatures, right?

It was above freezing (really only got close to it one of the nights) and I made sure we were comfortable. But yes

@Barney16

OP posts:
Mightyhike · 22/05/2025 22:36

Yes, I think he should have cleaned up a bit. But I also think you should have met him for lunch and finish the cleaning later.

DoYouReally · 22/05/2025 22:39

It all sounds overly dramatic.

There's no way that a man and dogs can generate 10 days worth of cleaning ij such a short space of time.

The cry overvlunch and lack of present sound a tad unhinged.

You need 2 weeks to prepare for a work trip, again sounds excessive.

It sound take you both half a day between you max to tidy things up even if they are as bad as you say.

Sesma · 22/05/2025 22:40

You were only gone ten days.

SipandClean · 22/05/2025 22:40

You sound quite entitled. You’ve just been on a ten day holiday and were expecting presents on your return??

Ellbee83 · 22/05/2025 22:42

FairPlayer274 · 22/05/2025 22:36

It was above freezing (really only got close to it one of the nights) and I made sure we were comfortable. But yes

@Barney16

Show quote history

Hmm.
I mean, from how you described your DDs reaction to the experience, she wasn't comfortable, even if you were.

The latest developments with DH?
Look. I have standards, and an expectation of courtesy and decent behaviour from anyone I'm seeing but... Give your family a break fgs.

Sesma · 22/05/2025 22:43

I missed the bit about gifts, is this a thing.

loubielou31 · 22/05/2025 22:43

Learn the lesson, and factor a house clean into your holiday costs for when you return. And don't bust a gut to get everything ship shape before you go if you're not going to reap the benefit of the clean house and it isn't appreciated.

tripleginandtonic · 22/05/2025 22:45

Usually the one who goes on holiday brings the gifts back.

OneFineDay13 · 22/05/2025 22:47

WasherWoman25 · 22/05/2025 22:07

Should he have chucked a load in and done the bedding, yes of course he should but you sound hard work and precious with the rest of the stuff.

This

Namechangefordaughterevasion · 22/05/2025 22:47

You clearly earn well. Hire cleaners. And let him know what has disappointed you. Don't hint or expect him to read your mind.

I'm retired and travel a lot whilst my still working DH stays home. The fortnightly cleaners keep coming when I'm away. As well as that, DH knows (because I told him many years ago) that I want to come home to an empty dishwasher, clear worktops and fresh beds. Just like he does when he's been away.

BellissimoGecko · 22/05/2025 22:49

He should have cleaned so the house was as tidy for you as you had left it for him. But why didn’t you make this expectation clear?

Poiuytrewqa · 22/05/2025 22:49

One of my favourite parts of living alone is coming back after holidays to a clean house exactly as I left it. Your DH should have kept it clean and tidy, as you left it. Not changing the beds!?

Poiuytrewqa · 22/05/2025 22:50

BellissimoGecko · 22/05/2025 22:49

He should have cleaned so the house was as tidy for you as you had left it for him. But why didn’t you make this expectation clear?

Why should she have to explain to a grown adult to make sure his house is clean?

outerspacepotato · 22/05/2025 22:50

You went on a trip that was too much for your young child and you're now pissed that your working husband didn't keep the house to your standards and he didn't buy you a gift for coming home.

You are hard fucking work.

Hire a cleaner next time you go away.

BTW, the 5 love languages are generalized bullshit.

Caroparo52 · 22/05/2025 22:56

Just get a fucki cleaner op.
And camping is not a holiday

RickiRaccoon · 22/05/2025 22:57

It's annoying, but not unusual, to come home from holiday and find a dirty house. Your DH should've maintained the standard you left it in.

It's not clear why you're responsible for the housework when you're also working - unless DH works such crazy hours and is making so much that he can't do anything more than the absolute basics around the house. In that case I would let him off the extra cleaning (and consider a cleaner).

Yazzi · 22/05/2025 23:02

FairPlayer274 · 22/05/2025 22:22

I usually only work two days a month and a couple weeks in the summer. Sometimes additional trips if I’m taking a course. I SAH other than that.

Show quote history

Ah ok.
I agree with you on both counts then- it's generally your responsibility to keep the house clean, but it's pretty poor form that he's not kept on top of it at all. But I think if he's not used to doing these things it might not have occured to him to do so.
I think you can be upset but also accept that it means next time there just needs to be a clearer understanding between you both. I would be in a similarly emotional state coming back exhausted from a big trip across time zones. Take some time to let yourself feel the feelings, so you can then move on :)
In terms of the little gift thing I would take a moment to reflect on why you (the traveler) didn't get him a gift (unless you did) but are upset he didn't do the same. It feels a little double standardy there. I wouldn't raise this with him, personally.

spicyenchilladas · 22/05/2025 23:03

Deebee90 · 22/05/2025 22:32

Wtf are these responses. It’s his house too. I’m sorry but if I left my partner while I went on holiday for 10 days I would be expecting him to do the dishes, clean the bathroom and kitchen Atleast once and hoover up after the dogs. It’s basic cleaning and he sounds too bloody lazy to do it. So what if he works full time, most of us work full time and still manage a clean house. He’s a dirty pig.

100% this!

He lives there too meaning it’s his home and responsibility too, so what if he works? he hasn’t had to look after a child for 10 days on his own, it’s not hard to hoover, clean a bathroom, change the bedding, do some washing and take the bins out if they smell. I do all of this (except the bedding only once a week) daily while looking after 4 children! Laziness comes to mind! So I get why the OP is a little pissed off about this, as I would be if that was me.