Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disappointed that DH didn’t clean when I was on holiday?

478 replies

FairPlayer274 · 22/05/2025 21:57

I just got back from a 10 day holiday with my DD. DH didnt go because he couldn’t take off work, doesn’t particularly like camping, and has bad seasonal allergies. Before I left, I made sure that the house was clean, the laundry was done, the dogs had been to their regular vet appointments and were stocked up on meds, etc. On my way home, I thought DH would have surprised me by having kept up with the laundry and cleaning, and probably have gotten me a gift or two, as he usually does when I go away for long periods of time. Just as like an expression of “I missed you and I’m glad you’re home!”

Well… He did his dishes, but that’s about it. He said he didn’t leave things lying around, but I noticed a few of his things out. His hamper is full again, the house is dirty, and he complained that our bedding is gross (it needs to be done basically twice weekly because the dogs are always sleeping there.) He didn’t get me any gifts, but he did purchase 24 little, squishy animal toys and hide them around the house for DD to find, which she has delighted in and I thought was cute.

I was also exhausted from traveling and caring for a child on my own for 10 days and extremely touched out, and we stayed up late waiting for him to get home so DD could see him. He recognized my mood, but he didn’t make any effort to put DD to bed, either, which I thought was a bit inconsiderate.

I’m torn. On one hand, the house upkeep is my responsibility, as the financial provision is his, and he did encourage me to put some of the trip expenses on the credit card he usually pays off. And if I’m off having a holiday, maybe he should get to come home from work and do whatever he wants, too. Enjoy the child-free time, you know?

On the other hand… It’s very difficult for me to catch up on 10 days worth of cleaning and laundry, especially when I need to be preparing for a two-week work trip starting June 1st, and if he was relived from childcare for 10 days, he would have had a lot of free time to get some cleaning done. It makes me not want to go on future holidays, knowing how much I have to do when I get back. He’s also going on holiday with his older DD (she’s 18 and off at uni in another country; he’ll go to visit with her there and then they’re going to tour Portugal) in a few days, so I kind of feel like he’s getting the equivalent time off, you know?

There’s also the fact that he invited me out to lunch today and I declined because I have a lot of work to do at home and for my job (where I kind of hinted that the house is dirty because he hasn’t cleaned in 10 days) and he took that personally, like I didn’t want to spend time with him. He “joked” that he should be my #1 priority. It was… frustrating in a weird, hard, saddening kind of way. I wanted to cry over it. I’ve been jet lagged and overwhelmed by everything (also I think I forgot to take my meds) so I haven’t gotten much done today anyway. Mad at myself for it. Digging myself in deeper, I know.

I know I’m being entitled about the gift, but it also kind of feels like he’s not putting as much effort into “wooing” me as he used to. So I do feel disappointed and kind of worried about it, even if I know there’s no reason I should expect a gift. Also I didn’t bring him anything back from the trip, but that was because I didn’t have any spare room in our luggage, with all the gear and clothing we needed to bring, not for lack of consideration.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
InWalksBarberalla · 22/05/2025 23:04

I can't believe you didn't get him a gift!

Eenameenadeeka · 22/05/2025 23:05

Not unreasonable to expect him to clean - although as you've later said he can't look after your child when you are away due to work hours, is he actually home enough to clean (or even be making a mess?) he did his dishes which seems like the main thing, it would only be a load or two of laundry surely?
Really really unreasonable to expect him to give you a gift. Usually that's the person away, bringing something back. And he did try and take you to lunch but you refused...

Yazzi · 22/05/2025 23:05

Poiuytrewqa · 22/05/2025 22:50

Why should she have to explain to a grown adult to make sure his house is clean?

Show quote history

Because it's not work he's used to doing, because it's not the general division of labour in their household, and like it or not, men often (not always) have a higher tolerance for lack of cleanliness in the house because they've not been socialised since childhood to notice it and do something about it.

Original poster
FairPlayer274 · 22/05/2025 23:07

InWalksBarberalla · 22/05/2025 23:04

I can't believe you didn't get him a gift!

I wanted to… just had nowhere to put it for the flight home. I could barely zip our bags as they were, and we were lucky not to get hit with oversized charges for the tent bag and hiking backpack already. The only extra thing we brought back was a small sequoia pine cone, stashed in DD’s personal item, at her insistence.

OP posts:
Renabrook · 22/05/2025 23:09

So he was working you were on holiday and exepcted him to clean and tidy so you did not have anything to do when you got back from holiday?

WildflowerConstellations · 22/05/2025 23:11

I think go back to bed and worry about it later! You've just been a massive trip and you're probably jetlagged and overwhelmed. From your description it doesn't sound like the house is a total state. Take some time to rest and come back to thinking about it once you've recovered a bit from your trip.

Screamingabdabz · 22/05/2025 23:12

My DH would be embarrassed to be so bloody useless. But it sounds like you’ve always enabled the classic ‘women = housework” stereotype that he’s just gone along with it. Why on earth did you feel like you had to do everything in the house and sort the vets out before you left? This sort of housefrau on steroids act is why your husband is a useless lazy arse. Act like a doormat and all that..

InWalksBarberalla · 22/05/2025 23:13

FairPlayer274 · 22/05/2025 23:07

I wanted to… just had nowhere to put it for the flight home. I could barely zip our bags as they were, and we were lucky not to get hit with oversized charges for the tent bag and hiking backpack already. The only extra thing we brought back was a small sequoia pine cone, stashed in DD’s personal item, at her insistence.

Show quote history

You could at least have got him something at the airport after checking luggage and just carried it in the bag it come in.

whitewineandsun · 22/05/2025 23:14

I put most of it away in a high yield savings account, and spend some of it on things for just myself or gifts for DH. Occasionally I’ll do a big withdrawal for traveling (with or without DH) or for throwing a grand birthday party.

Spend some of it on a cleaner. Are you not paying any bills with your salary?

Lottie6712 · 22/05/2025 23:16

I find my life is much better when my DH and I verge on over-communication... It's awful when you have certain expectations and then are let down. So we would have chatted beforehand about what the house would be like when I got back and then, say for example he'd had to work late the night before I got back and so had left the kitchen a mess, he would let me know that before I got home and when he'd be planning to tidy it. We've found we argue much less this way. I also would have just asked him to do bedtime if I was tired. I can't say anything about the gift situation as we're not too fussed about gifts.

CaptainFuture · 22/05/2025 23:17

FairPlayer274 · 22/05/2025 22:22

I usually only work two days a month and a couple weeks in the summer. Sometimes additional trips if I’m taking a course. I SAH other than that.

Show quote history

You work 2 days a month?....emmm yeah if he works 5 a week, it's fair you do more at home!

HuffleMyPuffle · 22/05/2025 23:32

Ellbee83 · 22/05/2025 22:31

You're the lady who took her 3yo DD on a strenuous, multiple-leg camping trip, in sub-zero temperatures, right?

The one who let her child kick a seat
Doesn't get why her child might be fed up from an intensive camping trip in the cold with nothing to do

Yep, I can imagine her wanting a present for being away!

InWalksBarberalla · 22/05/2025 23:32

Screamingabdabz · 22/05/2025 23:12

My DH would be embarrassed to be so bloody useless. But it sounds like you’ve always enabled the classic ‘women = housework” stereotype that he’s just gone along with it. Why on earth did you feel like you had to do everything in the house and sort the vets out before you left? This sort of housefrau on steroids act is why your husband is a useless lazy arse. Act like a doormat and all that..

I don't think this is quite fair - I assume she does the vets because she works 2 days a month and expecting him to likely have to take time off work to take them whilst she is on holiday seems unreasonable to me.

And when DH or I go away we do try and sort things out beforehand a bit - DH is off on a work trip next week and he is preparing some additional dinners before he goes because he does the food around here - it's not because I'm useless- it's because he knows I'll be busy with work and activities etc.

Original poster
FairPlayer274 · 22/05/2025 23:34

DoYouReally · 22/05/2025 22:39

It all sounds overly dramatic.

There's no way that a man and dogs can generate 10 days worth of cleaning ij such a short space of time.

The cry overvlunch and lack of present sound a tad unhinged.

You need 2 weeks to prepare for a work trip, again sounds excessive.

It sound take you both half a day between you max to tidy things up even if they are as bad as you say.

Well with re: to the house, I can usually get 2-3 rooms cleaned most days, so that most of the house is cleaned once a week. While there wasn’t a child in the house making messes for the 10 days we were away, the general dirt and dust build up, plus the dog hair and the mud that they track in, needed to be dealt with as per usual, whether I’m present or not. There’s probably about three loads of laundry between his hamper and the bedding, plus some of the clothing we wore during our trip, that all needs to get done. The bathrooms will need a full chemical shakedown to get rid of the smell.

I have 8 days to prepare for the 2 week work trip (which is basically like more camping + work tasks, not like, attending conferences in an office setting.) That’s getting the house back in getting paperwork and all the laundry done, and packing everything needed for both myself and DD, write out instructions for the plant sitter, and get the dogs to boarding, inaddition to caring for DD. She had a dentist appointment today, and I’m scheduled for volunteering at my church’s childcare center on Sunday…It’s a lot.

I wanted to cry because I didn’t feel like it was fair of DH to be upset with me for declining his lunch invitation when I have so much to do.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 22/05/2025 23:35

Renabrook · 22/05/2025 23:09

So he was working you were on holiday and exepcted him to clean and tidy so you did not have anything to do when you got back from holiday?

Oh come on.

If he lived alone he would have to do it

And how many women would do nothing for 10 days just because their partner was away>

HuffleMyPuffle · 22/05/2025 23:35

But seriously - it's not going to take long to run the hoover around and change the bed. He won't have made that much laundry in 10 days (I wouldn't put a wash on for my stuff in just 10 days, other than work uniform, because it'd be mostly underwear and I have enough to manage) and it can go in with your laundry from the camping.
He washed up and kept tidy. Some people just don't "see" dust the same as others do.

Stop letting the dogs on the bed!

InSpainTheRain · 22/05/2025 23:39

I have to say you sound hard work OP! Wanting a present because you'd been away, whilst you got DH nothing is strange! If the house is that bad get a cleaner in for 4 to 5 hours and they will sort it.

Original poster
FairPlayer274 · 22/05/2025 23:40

HuffleMyPuffle · 22/05/2025 23:32

The one who let her child kick a seat
Doesn't get why her child might be fed up from an intensive camping trip in the cold with nothing to do

Yep, I can imagine her wanting a present for being away!

Show quote history

I didn’t let her kick someone’s seat; there was no way to keep her still so that her feet wouldn’t touch the seat within the unusually small space she had. We didn’t have that problem on the way home because there was a reasonable amount of space with a different airline.

We weren’t cold on our camping trip. She had things to do. She just missed her dad and the dogs and her routine. She asked to go camping again the night we got home.

And I already said I’m being silly for expecting a gift

OP posts:
BellesAndGraces · 22/05/2025 23:40

He’s a shit husband OP! You’re basically his slave but it sounds like you have a good deal financially so why not deal with the lack of appreciation by having a hot, steamy affair when he’s off at work.

BellesAndGraces · 22/05/2025 23:41

And get a one off deep clean while he’s at work. It will cost no more than a couple of hundred pounds and you can pretend you did it yourself.

ilovesooty · 22/05/2025 23:44

BellesAndGraces · 22/05/2025 23:40

He’s a shit husband OP! You’re basically his slave but it sounds like you have a good deal financially so why not deal with the lack of appreciation by having a hot, steamy affair when he’s off at work.

How is she basically his slave? She hardly works so it's quite reasonable for her to do most of the activity necessary to run the house.

Original poster
FairPlayer274 · 22/05/2025 23:45

whitewineandsun · 22/05/2025 23:14

I put most of it away in a high yield savings account, and spend some of it on things for just myself or gifts for DH. Occasionally I’ll do a big withdrawal for traveling (with or without DH) or for throwing a grand birthday party.

Spend some of it on a cleaner. Are you not paying any bills with your salary?

I might see if I can get one to come this week, and definitely for next time I go away. That’s a good idea.

I don’t make much money; just a couple hundred pounds a month and a grand or two in the summer. DH makes more than enough to cover the bills, and he’s content with me running the home and doing most of the childcare.

OP posts:
HuffleMyPuffle · 22/05/2025 23:49

FairPlayer274 · 22/05/2025 23:40

I didn’t let her kick someone’s seat; there was no way to keep her still so that her feet wouldn’t touch the seat within the unusually small space she had. We didn’t have that problem on the way home because there was a reasonable amount of space with a different airline.

We weren’t cold on our camping trip. She had things to do. She just missed her dad and the dogs and her routine. She asked to go camping again the night we got home.

And I already said I’m being silly for expecting a gift

Show quote history

You did let her. You didn't try and stop her

It was cold and she was bored. It was obvious

HuffleMyPuffle · 22/05/2025 23:50

3 loads of laundry in 10 days?

Was he changing outfit every 5 minutes??

Original poster
FairPlayer274 · 22/05/2025 23:51

HuffleMyPuffle · 22/05/2025 23:49

You did let her. You didn't try and stop her

It was cold and she was bored. It was obvious

Show quote history

Yeah okay. I mustn’t have seen you there with us the whole time

OP posts: