Partner has told me today that I cannot go to his daughter’s wedding on Saturday

[Oscarcleo]

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. He’s a widow - wife died 9 years ago and he’s brought up only daughter on his own ever since. I’ve met daughter ( we get on), groom, groom’s family, friends etc who’ll all be at the wedding. Wife’s relatives live a long way away and about 30 of them will be travelling to the wedding. As they live a long way away I haven’t met them yet.
Apparently yesterday evening some of the relatives told my partner/bride that they don’t want me at the wedding as wife isn’t there. It’s really upset my partner/ bride and I’m utterly distraught at this stage to be told I can’t go. It’s a big wedding that’s been planned for 18 months. I have been very careful to not be replacing wife’ s position at the wedding- agreed to not sit with him for ceremony or at the reception.
We’re really happy together but after this I’m not sure I can carry on with the relationship as it will be always hanging over us that I was banned from the wedding. AIBU? Any words of wisdom to help me get through this?

I said what is she meant to do if she wants nan there.

Bride might have said all that and nan says, well I cant come

What is she meant to do if she wants nan there?

Im not sure where I said it was OPs responsbility to stay in a relationship to make the bride (who isnt her step daughter, not sure where you got that from) happy.

I could just about understand the Bride not weighing in at such a late stage - doesn’t need the added stress etc etc but if my partner didn’t tell his deceased wife’s relatives to - politely - fuck off, then I would be out of that relationship quicker than you can say ‘I Don’t’.

Has the OP posted since?

This is awful. If the bride & your partner want you there they should tell these relatives to shove off. I’m incensed on your behalf.

Again, it comes back to what the OP’s dp and DSD have said to her. If they’ve explained their efforts in order to change the in laws minds then that’s one thing, if they’ve just told she can’t come anymore without making any effort on her behalf then that’s another.

Im not sure where I said it was OPs responsbility to stay in a relationship to make the bride (who isnt her step daughter, not sure where you got that from) happy.

You said ‘it doesnt need to be made worse by OP dumping her father and going out of her life either’. Which puts the onus on OP to stay.

Why do people lose their every loving minds so much over weddings?

The poor girls mother is dead. Getting married without her there, her family seeing her get married without their daughter, sister, aunty, cousin there will be heartbreaking. Maybe don’t make this about you? How good is your relationship if you’d abandon it over something so sensitive and emotional that is actually nothing to do with you?

Also if her mother died 9 years ago I find it hard to believe your partner “raised her as a single parent”. She’d need be only be on her very early 20s now to have been a child still
in need of much raising when she lost her Mum. Are you perhaps exaggerating to make your importance in her life sound greater than it is?

Even if I’m generous and say she’s 21 now (very young to marry these days) then she would have been 12 when her Mum died and 16 when you first met her Dad. & I suspect she will be older than 21. You say you’ve “met” her. So you never lived with her. You don’t play a hand in raising her. Bow out gracefully. This isn’t about you.

This.

It doesnt put the onus on OP at all what on earth are you talking about.

The OP (who hasnt been back so I dont know why Im wasting typing time) and other posters have gone straight for a nuclear option of ending a relationship which OP sets out has been 5 years long and she has a close relationship with the bride (not a step daughter, not sure why youre insisting on using that term), but apparently just dump him and walk out his life. Which of course includes ending her relationship with his daughter.

Very weak and disloyal behaviour from your partner here and they are probably two of the biggest turn offs ever for me. I can’t stand these traits in anyone never mind if it was my partner. I’d be done. I wouldn’t be making the bride aware though- it’s her day and I bet she’s stuck in the middle. Only you can make that decision for you though- I’m really sorry this has happened, you don’t deserve it.

I agree it’s the bride’s decision.
the relatives sound bitter and spiteful.
hope it works out for you ❤️

Wow. This is so disrespectful to you. Personally, for me, the damage is done. Even if there was some massive u-turn I wouldn’t feel comfortable being there knowing what’s gone on.

It’s wild to me how vile people can be to each other, and how people lack a backbone when they see others being vile.

Whilst you’ll never replace her mum, and no doubt don’t even try to / want to, surely they can see that your DP’s DD has benefited from having you in her life. It sounds like you have a positive relationship, and why wouldn’t she want all the females in her life that support her around on her special day!? Beggars belief.

I can see why today it feels like throwing in the towel on your relationship, but I wouldn’t rush anything just yet. Give yourself some time to see if you still feel the same in a week, a month, or a year. But I can perfectly well see why this would be something you couldn’t move past.

What a shame if this spoils an otherwise great relationship. However, as others have said, it’s just one day.

I’m not excusing what is happening here, but grief is absolute agony and it causes havoc for years afterwards. Perhaps try to overlook the hurtfulness of this (hurtful to you and DP) and see it as part of the emotional fallout that the death has caused and is still causing.

You could try to be ultra generous and accommodating. and let them have their day, but obviously you’ll have nothing to do with that branch of the family in future.

its totally unreasonable of them, especially as you have said you don’t want to occupy the ‘mother of the bride’ physical and emotional spaces.

This

The relatives have made their feelings clear. Your stepdaughter doesn’t have to go along with them by has and your partner hasn’t stuck for you either.

I would go on holiday instead and contemplate the relationship you have with him and his family and think about the future and will there be other things you are excluded from.

I have step children and their mother died and I get on with everyone including their mothers sisters and other family members. Everyone is included in everything.

Snsokutely disgusting way to be treated after five years.

The bride and groom invite or not not dead wife’s family
for 18 month the family could have gotten used to his new wife not days before !

you are not the other woman ffs !

id be v v hurt , not standing or eating with your partner is bizarre not sure why anyone thought that was acceptable

what is the back story where you having affair before she died ?

He should have told his daughter, whose mum is dead and won't be at the wedding, that her father also won't be attending if she doesn't choose his girlfriend over her dead mum's (and her own) family?

OP is not her step mother. She has “met her”. She didn’t know her as a child. She had nothing to do with raising her. She’s never lived with her. She isn’t married to her Dad. She is her Dad’s partner. That’s it.

9 years? Whilst the pain of losing their loved one will always be present, to expect the remaining partner to never move on is ridiculous.

this is the Bride and groom’s day. It’s their call.

That was my first thought. It’s your partners daughters wedding and if she wants you there, you should be there

His ferret face

I just love mumsnet. 😃

I hear you though. It's a sign of things to come and I couldn't be happy staying in the relationship after this.

Uninvited 3 days before the wedding. No doubt with outfit bought and everything.

I wouldn't even make a fuss about ending the relationship... I'd just be done with it, after this disrespect.

End the relationship. You’re clearly not considered important to either of them, and neither has a backbone. Move on.

I can’t help but wonder if this has been brewing a while and the OP’s DH had been advocating for her in the background and hoping the bride would change her mind.

Because I can’t really believe what short notice this is otherwise!

Yeah I think it’s a bit much expecting the daughter to get hassle from all these guests or risk tension by insisting her Dad’s partner is allowed to come. Hopefully she’ll have spoken up, but if they dig their heels in what else can she do?

And of course OPs partner must attend no matter what.

As it’s been pointed out, she was almost an adult when she met OP and she wasn’t raised by her. As bad as their behaviour is, it’s her family and particularly in the absence of her mum I’m sure it’s far more important for her to have her relatives there.

That said I do think the relatives are bang out of order. This drama is not what OP’s partner late wife would’ve wanted for her daughter’s big day. It’s a very poor show of “loyalty” and is plain nasty and illogical.

I wouldn't be able to forgive this either. Even if you thought and seemed to be happy this is a massive statement that your DP is allowing other people to make. Both he and his daughter must realise how hurtful this is - to be excluded at all would be bad but to wait until just before the wedding, to have you have to explain to people why you didnt go, for all the photos to exclude you....I appreciate that I am potentially seeming to be rubbing it in but I wish it was them reading this. I am so sorry that they are putting you through this.