Partner has told me today that I cannot go to his daughter’s wedding on Saturday

[Oscarcleo]

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. He’s a widow - wife died 9 years ago and he’s brought up only daughter on his own ever since. I’ve met daughter ( we get on), groom, groom’s family, friends etc who’ll all be at the wedding. Wife’s relatives live a long way away and about 30 of them will be travelling to the wedding. As they live a long way away I haven’t met them yet.
Apparently yesterday evening some of the relatives told my partner/bride that they don’t want me at the wedding as wife isn’t there. It’s really upset my partner/ bride and I’m utterly distraught at this stage to be told I can’t go. It’s a big wedding that’s been planned for 18 months. I have been very careful to not be replacing wife’ s position at the wedding- agreed to not sit with him for ceremony or at the reception.
We’re really happy together but after this I’m not sure I can carry on with the relationship as it will be always hanging over us that I was banned from the wedding. AIBU? Any words of wisdom to help me get through this?

Am I reading it right? Some relatives don't want you there.
The bride does.

If that's correct, just go along. Stuff them. It's not their wedding. If they don't like it they can stay home.

I think you should bow out gracefully. Not because it's right but because you care about your stepdaughter.

I can understand it's emotional for the family on that side. It's a place their relative should have been but that's not your fault.

The trouble is there are a lot of them and it will be important to your step daughter that her mum is represented through them. She's been put in an awful position.

Could you be part of the getting ready with her etc.

I do appreciate it's totally shit for you but ultimately it's your step daughter's day and not ruining that is number one.

Perhaps tomorrow they will all calm down and realise they are being ridiculous but until then I'd try and bury my own feelings and give your step daughter your blessing to do whatever she feels she has to in this situation.

Emotions will be running high right now and forcing a standoff won't help anyone (no matter how right you are sometimes we have to be the bigger person). Really sorry you are in this position.

Yes it’s sad but I wouldn’t dream of ending my relationship over something like this.

That’s rough. If it had been said from the start that’s one thing but last minute like that. I’d be disappointed that dsd and dp didn’t fight for you. I’d struggle to let it go too.

I think you do what the bride wants, it’s always really important to have people who are in your corner which you have clearly been there for the bride. You seem very conscious of not trying to play the mother role, but that doesn’t mean your relationship should be hidden.

I'd usually say if the bride wants you there then you should go and f""" the rest of them.
However, this is the sort of thing that can come back over and over again to make things unpleasant. It's definitely not worth sacrifice your relationship over.

I think your DP is being really weak here and no wonder you’re feeling left out. I’d still go and bugger what be relatives think really.

For all the people suggesting she still go, she isnt invited anymore, the Bride has clearly made that decision

Who isnt a step daughter by the way, why are people using that term for her?

^This.

This.

FFS She is a step daughter in all but law. Why are you being so picky about that?

I suspect if @Oscarcleo had said "Partners-DD-who-I-have-had-a-close-relationship-with-for-five-years" you would moan too!

I suspect this is a tactful way for the bride to say she doesn't want you there. She can like you fine but not want you sat in a seat her mother should occupy. Surely you can see that?

@LucyMonth I think you misunderstood OP. She didn’t claim at all that she was involved in raising her partner’s daughter and she didn’t claim that her partner was a single dad she wrote that he brought up daughter on his own which I read as that maternal relatives were not involved much.

This

She wasn't going to be sat in a seat her mother should occupy.

OP was seated separately away from the top table.

My mum died when I was 30, I wouldn't have wanted my dad's girlfriend at my wedding, why would I? Time-frames aren't tht different either. She's not my family. If the bride really wanted her there she'd say so. She doesn't. Other family members are helping op take the hunt and taking the blame. Gracefully say no problem and get on with it. It's not about you.

Because its not accurate. She isnt a step daughter, in any way shape or form. She's never lived with her, never had a mother daughter relationship with her.

Very difficult situation but I presume that it will be a very poignant day for deceased wife's family and it will be very difficult to see her husband with new partner.
That doesn't make it any easier for you but I would try to compartmentalise and not let it ruin your relationship

It's so close to the wedding that I think it's worth just not going and doing something nice for yourself on that day (I like the idea of your DP paying for your outfit and frankly for a spa day as well). However, I think you're right to worry about the future - as PP have said, what about if your DP ends up having grandchildren? Will the relatives of his late wife get a veto over you attending the christening?

I'd not do anything drastic now but have a serious sit-down talk with your DP in the near future about what he'd be prepared to do to avoid you being excluded from family events again. He may be wishing he'd pushed back and intend to do so next time, but you can only find that out (and make sure it happens) if you have the discussion in a calm moment. I hope you do something nice for yourself on the day of the wedding.❤️

Yes but OP isn't the one whose daughter died

Where does it say the bride has made it clear?

The OP has said they bride is upset at being told the OP can't go.

I don’t get this. Why is the bride allowing other relatives to dictate her guest list?

Well it is the bride and groom wedding so it is really up to them what happens thry don't need to say anything to anyone

Exactly this.

This x 1000.