Partner has told me today that I cannot go to his daughter’s wedding on Saturday

[Oscarcleo]

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. He’s a widow - wife died 9 years ago and he’s brought up only daughter on his own ever since. I’ve met daughter ( we get on), groom, groom’s family, friends etc who’ll all be at the wedding. Wife’s relatives live a long way away and about 30 of them will be travelling to the wedding. As they live a long way away I haven’t met them yet.
Apparently yesterday evening some of the relatives told my partner/bride that they don’t want me at the wedding as wife isn’t there. It’s really upset my partner/ bride and I’m utterly distraught at this stage to be told I can’t go. It’s a big wedding that’s been planned for 18 months. I have been very careful to not be replacing wife’ s position at the wedding- agreed to not sit with him for ceremony or at the reception.
We’re really happy together but after this I’m not sure I can carry on with the relationship as it will be always hanging over us that I was banned from the wedding. AIBU? Any words of wisdom to help me get through this?

It's horrible for you but if this is coming from her maternal grandparents, then I feel for them. 9 years won't seem like "ages ago" to them. It's something they live through daily.

Not saying they are being reasonable but grief isn't reasonable

A happy wedding day, presumably. Given that that looks unlikely if OP is there (very unfairly on her), the bride & groom will probably choose the least-worst scenario, which is to ask OP not to go.

It's unlucky for them this has happened, and very unfortunate for OP.

Grief may not be reasonable but it doesn’t give people license to behave unreasonably.

And if they behave unreasonably then they should face the consequences of their actions.

Yes, I agree with this

This.

If you own the house that you live in I’d spend the morning of the wedding day gathering his belongings into bin bags, and then send him a photo of them around the time the meal is about to be served saying “let me know when’s best for you to collect your stuff. Enjoy the rest of the day”.

Or she’s been coerced into uninviting her SM 48 hours before her wedding, which would’ve probably caused great stress. What a bunch of awful people the relatives are.

Very true, can you imagine the stress this had caused to the bride?

It’s definitely going to taint the wedding.

What an awful situation. All you can do is not go so as not to make it a 'thing' at the wedding. They're capable of holding each other to a degree of rationality which they're failing to do, and they're not thinking of the bride at all.

Exactly and it doesnt need to be made worse by OP dumping her father and going out of her life either. Incredible posts on here, absolutely horrible

For all anyone knows grannie has been on the phone in floods saying she just cant face seeing OP there when its going to trigger grief about her daughter (brides mother), blah blah blah. What is bride meant to do if she wants nan there?

For me it all rests in how it was delivered.

If partner came home and said:

I can't believe what happened tonight. So and so relative said to daughter that she didn't want you to come and put on a big sob story about how awful it would etc etc. Daughter is in a terrible state about it because it's been so important to her to have her Mum's relative at the wedding understandably but she absolutely also wants you there. But then Relative started getting aggressive/emotional/crying and said she wouldn't come and DD is now in a complete tizz

Vs

Hiya love, Aunt Midrew said she doesn't want you there, so you're going to have to find something else to do Saturday, you can't come

Dictates the scale of response!!!!

Delivery 1 you might say - what did you say? And partner might say 'i only found out after'. Or I didn't say anything because I wasn't sure what daughter wanted in the moment, it was all very awkward and I didnt want to make a scene infront of XYZ. It was in the car on the way home when daughter broke down in tears saying she didnt know what to do.

To which I might say - oh that's not fair, I don't want her upset before her wedding. Can't believe the cheek of the woman but if I have to bow out for DD then I would.

But to delivery 2 - I'd be saying oh fuck you very much then (and I'd be seriously reconsidering the relationship).

How was the message/uninviting delivered? Was it matter of fact or through tears and apologies?

Say what now? Why isn’t your partner putting his foot down op? His wife died 9 years ago and you have a good relationship with his daughter. It’s no one else’s business if the FOTB has a ‘new’ partner. I doubt I could come back from this if he doesn’t stand up for you.

Its in the OP that he was upset so how you would come up with scenario 2 is baffling

Well his late wife’s family are an embarrassing bunch of cunts doing this.
If i died and my family after the best part of a decade did this shit to my DPs long term partner I’d haunt them for being so shitty.

Death is hard enough without allowing room for new love to blossom. Fuck them all.

I can understand why you're upset but I think really it's the bride who's at the centre of this. She is getting married without her mum there, which is bound to be very tough for her and will likely have been at the forefront of her mind in the run up to the wedding. Now her mum's family - so, her grandparents? Cousins? Aunts and uncles? People who are important to her, and a living link to her mum - are putting her in an impossible situation. They are being very selfish. That said, grief can make people very selfish and if this is coming from her maternal grandparents then - whilst it's still wrong of them - it's coming from a place of deep, deep pain.

I think you have an opportunity to show some real grace here. To put your pride aside and show the bride the kindness that she and her dad are not receiving from their relatives. You can bow out with dignity and not add to their troubles. If you were to issue an ultimatum, you'd be asking her to choose between people who are a living connection to her mum, and her dad's girlfriend. She will almost certainly choose her family. And your partner will (or should) choose his daughter.

It's a sad situation all around. Don't choose to take it personally. This family is dealing with a lot of grief and pain.

Tell nan she’s very sorry but it’s too late to invite OP, it’ll cause too much upset.

If Nan really persists, it is of course her choice to not attend.

This cannot become the norm and what next, the christening, GCs birthdays.

If I died and my daughter's dad was in a long term relationship, and our daughter got married, I would expect his partner to be at her wedding. If I am ALIVE and her dad is in a different relationship if/when she gets married, I would expect his partner to be there. None of this makes sense. It's got nothing to do with grief.

The bride is meant to say ‘gran, I hear you, but it’s been 9 years since mum died, and she will be at the wedding in spirit and I like oscarcleo, we get on and she has never tried to take mum’s place. I can’t disinvite her from the wedding which is in 48 hours, it’s mean and I am not a mean person.’

Why is it OP’s responsibility to stay in a relationship to make DSD happy?!

IMO the OP is absolutely right to be really upset with the relatives & upset with the bride for uninviting her. Particularly so close to the day itself.

She doesn't know what part the DP could have played in any of this, it was probably presented to him as a 'fait accompli' by his previous MIL & the bride, and it was left to him to have the unenviable job of relating the bad news to the OP.

Blaming him for that is totally unreasonable, of course he will go with his DD's decision however weak, stupid or ill judged in the circumstances. It has in all likelihood diminished/ ruined the enjoyment of the day for him also.

If I were the OP I would simply relate how upset, hurt, and excluded she feels (& should feel) to both her DP & the bride separately , and then leave it at that.

P.s. it's ridiculous, but people are human, weddings are often very stressful events, and mother's & father's of a deceased parent could really push a bride's buttons at this stressy time. Pity.

This! Why do they get to decide? That said I wouldn't cause the bride any more upset and stress. If she is not strong enough to stand up to them I'd forgive her. I wouldn't however forgive them. It's not your partner's decision. He can't refuse to go to his daughter's wedding so I wouldn't leave him over this.

If the bride wants you there it’s really none of of anyone else’s business.

You must be easily baffled then.

It actually didnt give a great deal of detail. It was one line, it didn't explain how it was delivered or what they were upset by.

It said they were upset but by what? By telling OP she couldn't come? or they were upset that the relative was upset? It didn't give that level of detail away.

who is this relative that holds so much power. Clearly bride is not happy. why does she oblige? The solution is obvious, revoke the invitation for the insoles relative.

Tricky if it's a much-loved grandparent, for example, though, no matter how unreasonable they are being. They're the bride's link to her deceased mum, so I can't imagine how hard it must be for her. Her relatives shouldn't have put her in this position so close to the wedding.

Totally understand your hurt though, OP.

This sounds difficult all around. I imagine the bride's mother's family are still grieving. I have sisters and I would probably have a very irrational dislike of anyone who 'replaced' them, but I would know it was irrational and would keep quiet. It's nothing personal to you, I'm sure.

Part of me says you should just let this go, especially as you're not married to your partner and didn't raise the bride. I say let it go because any drama, even though you're zero responsible for it, means the bride has a tense and distracted wedding. Her mother is dead, which, I feel, is heartbreaking for her regardless of her family's poor behavior. If you could be the bigger person here, it might just soothe the situation and your DP should treat you like a queen for it.

A motherless bride shouldn't have to deal with this kind of family drama. She and you are not at fault, but she'll suffer the most, I imagine, if someone doesn't back down.