Partner has told me today that I cannot go to his daughter’s wedding on Saturday

[Oscarcleo]

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. He’s a widow - wife died 9 years ago and he’s brought up only daughter on his own ever since. I’ve met daughter ( we get on), groom, groom’s family, friends etc who’ll all be at the wedding. Wife’s relatives live a long way away and about 30 of them will be travelling to the wedding. As they live a long way away I haven’t met them yet.
Apparently yesterday evening some of the relatives told my partner/bride that they don’t want me at the wedding as wife isn’t there. It’s really upset my partner/ bride and I’m utterly distraught at this stage to be told I can’t go. It’s a big wedding that’s been planned for 18 months. I have been very careful to not be replacing wife’ s position at the wedding- agreed to not sit with him for ceremony or at the reception.
We’re really happy together but after this I’m not sure I can carry on with the relationship as it will be always hanging over us that I was banned from the wedding. AIBU? Any words of wisdom to help me get through this?

I applaud you for your grave and dignity @Oscarcleoxxx

You’re doing brilliantly @Oscarcleo

Put yourself first and do things in your own time. 🌺

*grace!!

I’m really delighted that you made the most of today. I was so angry on your behalf. I truly cannot understand why the bride and her father would prioritise aunt/uncle over you. Especially when they were being totally unreasonable and controlling . Glad you had your sister for support !

K

I would think very carefully about your future op, I wouldn’t be marrying into a family like that.

Definitely take space to process how you feel.

There are no wrong feelings here.
You are entitled to feel as you do.

These people have sullied the event by their ugliness.
Do you really want to be a part of such a family?

Will it be similar for christenings, family gatherings, going forward?
Probably, as an ugly precedent has been set.

I think this is a sore that could become a scab that is picked on a periodic basis.
Is that really what you want for your future?

So take your time to process how you feel and think about how the decisions made for today, set a precedent for your future together.

You deserve so much better than to be treated as someone's shabby side piece.

Whilst he was put in a difficult position, he has still allowed it to happen for the whole day which I believe is poor.

We teach people how to treat us so you need to reflect on what your acceptance of this will be telling him for the future.

You deserve so much better than this.

Well done. It’s great that you used the time to get jobs done and see your sister. Let your dp do the running. Put yourself first. Find a new activity. Don’t waste your time hearing about the wedding more than looking at a few photos. You might have thought more of the relationship than your dp does. Scale things down and enjoy more time doing things that you enjoy.

The wedding would come up in lots of future conversations with others and I’m not sure how I would deal with that

I wonder how your DP and his daughter expect all of you to navigate that.

Also, there will be other events such as potential christenings and so on, will you be excluded from them? Or will that, too, be a last minute dropping of a bomb?

I'd walk away because every time it was mentioned I'd feel humiliated all over again. And I'd never feel sure about any future events, so it would affect my relationship with the family over many years.

Agree with @TwentyKittens if you end up moving in together, will there be occasions where you have to leave your home, because this side of the family refuses to visit if you're there?

@Oscarcleoplease give us an update when you have spoken to your partner. (You might need to start a new thread but can add a link to this one).
This situation has provoked lots of discussion that’s mostly very supportive of you and I think we’d all like to know how things work out for you.
I think it’s refreshing to see someone behave with dignity and prepared to be so considerate and respectful of people who sadly don’t seem to afford you the same.
Know your worth and be happy x

You've shown your DP and his DD far more respect than they've shown you. I wonder how your absence was explained to those who know him/you well.....

Hold onto that dignity you have, and don't be talked into a half life where you have to miss all future family events to keep the peace. His late wife's family have made you the family scapegoat merely for existing.... and your DP and his DD have allowed them to. Let that fully sink in before you make any decisions.

100% this.

I think it’s the boyfriend who will struggle with this not the bride.

To be fair, it doesn’t sound like OP is close to the bride. No one really asks about the father of the bride’s girlfriend.

This is a relationship defining moment for OP. To be fair, the issue may well be that her boyfriend doesn’t see a future here long term. They aren’t married and don’t live together. As hurtful as that may be, maybe the relationship wasn’t worth the fight. Maybe his daughter also knows that.

if he saw marriage in the future he would have spoken to his sister in law and explained this woman is his family - they will be together from now on. But he didn’t. That’s what will really hurt here for OP.

She met a widow not a divorcé. The aunt and uncle are hurting and his daughter. She probably wishes her mum was their and their sister. If the op wants to give up on the relationship she can. The op will never replace her mother. She entered into the family after the hard work was done. I think her emotions are irrelevant and her expectations are too high. The op wanted to negotiate the wedding day. His daughter doesn't have to have her there. Her loyalties is not with her dad's girlfriend it's with her family and that's who she chose. The op can't play happy families in a family she never created. That's what is hurting the op.

The op is with her partner not the rest of the family. His daughter is going to start her own family. I have been with my partner for 20 years I have never gone with him to his family events and we have children. I am with him not his family.

The op has never met his deceased wife's family. Why would they go to see him? His daughter has left the nest.

They are only interested in his daughter and her new family.

OP has been involved in quite a bit of wedding planning (her second post), so at least some closeness, even if just lite friendly terms, is suggested.

Did his daughter want her involved? The op may have imposed herself. The op said she didn't want it to look like she was replacing her mum. How does she know how his daughter feels. She's spending time with a woman she barely knows preparing her wedding. What memories can they share together she may have felt awkward. The aunt and uncles reaction may have come from what their niece has said to them. The op may come across as too pushy or needy.

Jesus the mental gymnastics that goes on on here to always make it the stepmums/second wife/new girlfriends fault

This is sad. You are not unreasonable to be upset about the situation. The relatives are clearly unreasonable.

You seem unreasonable to be thinking this is a dealbreaker for your own relationship. Bride has been put in an awful position and made a choice that she has found upsetting (and so have you). DP is upset about her choice. What do you think he could have done? Put bride under more pressure with an ultimatum of his own? She is an adult so it was her choice not his.

Op could have read it wrong. The op doesn't know her it takes time to build relationships with people. Was planning a wedding the appropriate time to get to know her, probably not. Her mum is dead and at an emotional time like planning a wedding it brings all sorts of emotions out. The op should enjoy being with her boyfriend and build a relationship with him his daughter has moved on. The op should not expect his daughter to choose her over her own family that's treachery.

Hi @Oscarcleo your partner and the bride didn’t handle the situation properly. You’ve been dignified but if I was you I’d be having words.

We don't know the actual relationship the OP has with the DD, but I think it's always tricky to marry a widower. You're only there because the other person died and you'll never replace a first loved spouse. I think it is reasonable to be hurt when you're uninvited at the last minute though.

With a close loss all these kinds of occasions are tricky and bittersweet. Life has to go on but it's a huge thing not to have your mother at your wedding, there when your first child is born, and every other major milestone in life.

@Oscarcleo it does seem as though the family of deceased wife doesn't accept you are the current partner of their brother-in-law, who is not their blood relative, and a sort of ownership over their dead sister's daughter. They don't accept their dead sister's widower has moved on to some extent.
It seems your partner and his daughter have bowed to keep the peace and you have gracefully respected that.
Daughter may have had reservations but felt she couldn't express them as well. It's not about you.
Your idea to speak with your partner is a good one - once emotions have settled. It would be a good idea to find out how he plans to handle future "family" occasions as there will be many. And you can decide how you want to proceed.

I would be moving on with my life after this without the partner and his daughter.

Soon your partner will have grandchildren and they could be used as a weapons to hurt you more. The family is spiteful and petty enough to do anything to shut you out.