Partner has told me today that I cannot go to his daughter’s wedding on Saturday

[Oscarcleo]

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. He’s a widow - wife died 9 years ago and he’s brought up only daughter on his own ever since. I’ve met daughter ( we get on), groom, groom’s family, friends etc who’ll all be at the wedding. Wife’s relatives live a long way away and about 30 of them will be travelling to the wedding. As they live a long way away I haven’t met them yet.
Apparently yesterday evening some of the relatives told my partner/bride that they don’t want me at the wedding as wife isn’t there. It’s really upset my partner/ bride and I’m utterly distraught at this stage to be told I can’t go. It’s a big wedding that’s been planned for 18 months. I have been very careful to not be replacing wife’ s position at the wedding- agreed to not sit with him for ceremony or at the reception.
We’re really happy together but after this I’m not sure I can carry on with the relationship as it will be always hanging over us that I was banned from the wedding. AIBU? Any words of wisdom to help me get through this?

Thought about you yesterday OP. I’m glad you had your sister to vent to and support you.

I would have been devastated in this situation too (to not even be allowed to the evening do is just vindictive). I don’t blame you taking time to re evaluate your relationship. Your DP messed up and he knows it.

I'm saying it doesn't matter why she's uninvited, she's uninvited. She's not wanted at the wedding. So don't go and enjoy your time some other way don't turn clocks round and mope round the house, that's so ridiculously histrionic. Hence why I'm asking her age. Maybe MAYBE in your 20s you act like that, not in your 40s+

Meh, that’d be the end for me. If you were important to your partner, he’d have ensured you were there. A chat with bonkers relatives is all it would’ve taken.

PS Did you really turn around all of your clocks? I mean, a tad dramatic, and his many clocks have you got? 🤨

What a horrible family. I know the wedding has now happened but just saw this

bride must have felt trapped in the middle but circumstances like these she should have said don’t come then to the family objecting - called their bluff

sadly her mum died. You have made her dad happy. She likes you - what is there to object to you going ?

you aren’t replacing her mum even if you had gone and sat at the top table

I’m so sorry this has happened and I can understand why you want to revaluate relationship with partner for not sticking up for you more

going in the evening was a nice compromise on your part @Oscarcleo but shouldn’t have been an issue

sorry this has happened 💐

Nobody’s ’praising it’ and it’s not hysteria. People are understanding the hurt and empathising rather than responding with laughing emojis. Something that’s clearly beyond you, and that’s quite sad. And this is from the OP, I have been involved in lots of the wedding plans/ DP came with me to choose my outfit etc. If you can’t be bothered to read her posts properly it’s no wonder your responses are so inappropriate.

I disagree that I'm being inappropriate. The idea that an invitation or not to a wedding, that a bride whose lost her mum might change her mind about her dad's girlfriend he got together with after she was an adult and moved out, attending would cause someone to 'turn the clocks aroudn' so they don't have to see the time turn to the time of the wedding is absolutely hysteria and overreacting.

I wonder if op overstepped with the wedding plans or daughter felt she was overbearing, we don't know what the feelings were.

Wear the dress to something else. Go out for the day and DO something. I could plan a last minute day for myself in 10 mins as long as the free time isn't because someone's died or some sad news. Why waste a day looking at the arse fo your clock and crying down the phone

Absolutely. The yearning to run other people's lives suggests a degree of dissatisfaction with their own.

Congrats, batshit theory neatly sidestepped !! It absolutely does matter why she’s been uninvited - and at two days notice. Doesn’t matter whether you’re twenty or forty, the hurt is still the same.

And people are praising it, oh your so strong, oh such dignity... Nonsense. Strength and dignity would be having the maturity to see it's not about her and going and enjoying her free day. Again I suspect she's very young and also that's probably the problem the family have with it

It’s not hysteria. I bet it’s not even about the wedding anymore. OP is deeply hurt because her partner of 5 years has shown himself to not have her back. And she is now acutely aware that the relationship, which means a lot to her (possibly she saw him as her life partner…), may not recover from all this. In her shoes I would be devastated as well.

Wow. Such insight.

You’re saying she shouldn’t be upset essentially?

Maybe you’re used to people treating you so shoddily, that’s it’s water off a ducks back for you.

Other however, will be upset by this and can’t just go and enjoy themselves somewhere else after a stressful man’s upsetting 48 hours.

Its quite normal to be honest.

It’s not about her ? Who is it about then ? She’s had the maturity to step back and not go, so from that point of view she’s recognised that there are other, more important considerations, such as not forcing the bride into an impossible situation. But it absolutely is about her. Disinvited at the last minute to accommodate others.

It's normal to turn clocks round and act like a bereaved Victorian due to family politics?

Well I have a clue …. When my sibling married ‘4 years’ after dm death - my dads partner came to the wedding - all of it.
when I married 7 years after dads partner sat at the top table.
we as a family were deeply grateful for the happiness she bought dad - widowed early forties

And they ended together for 30 years and very happy. My mum would have been happy to know dad was happy.

If they wanted you there they’d let you come regardless, I would end the relationship myself, how gutless of them.

The thread derailer has arrived. Watch out for the chaos causing and on purpose misunderstanding of the op.

I was just thinking this person is on a wind up, or has been deeply hurt in the past resulting in this bizarre attitude they have now over someone else's legitimate feelings.

I suggest they are ignored for the remaining time this thread continues.

Definitely suggest the derailer isn't engaged with as they are either here just to be mean or to get a rise out of people.

This brief comment about turning clocks around…she just took some simple actions to not dwell on the specifics of a day she was looking forward to and now missing, but alas she did not appreciate the serious implications this would have. A warning for all of us, best not to have clocks at all lest you be called Miss Havisham for moving them.

But it is about her. The OP is the one who has been targeted by the horrible relatives and the one who had been uninvited. She is also the one having to re-evaluate her 5-year relationship.

If after 5 years I got such a clear sign that I would never be viewed as a full partner to my DP, that I couldn't stand at his side during family events, that I wouldn't be accepted by his daughter or relatives, I would be devastated.

At the end of a 5 year relationship you get to do whatever you like for the day. If that means turning the clocks around, go for it. If that means just staying in bed, go for it. If that means going out and enjoying your free day, like you suggest, again go for it (although I suspect you're in the minority in dealing with heartbreak that way).

Whatever gets you through the day, and allows you to process your feelings. However ridiculous they may seem to others - and you’ve made your opinion crystal clear - they are still your feelings. If you believe any of what you’re posting l actually feel quite sorry for you because it indicates that you are around people who treat you so shabbily that you think it’s normal not to be hurt by their actions.

Either that or you’re just another keyboard warrior here to argue and derail.

Oh do stop goading, it’s really quite pathetic to get your kicks in this way.

It’s normal to be upset, you lack any understand, which I’m sure had caused you issues. Hence your anger, lack of empathy and constant goading.

You come across as unpleasant and unkind, which I’m sure you don’t care about, because you are who you are.

Have you got no better way to “enjoy” yourself today?