Partner has told me today that I cannot go to his daughter’s wedding on Saturday

[Oscarcleo]

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. He’s a widow - wife died 9 years ago and he’s brought up only daughter on his own ever since. I’ve met daughter ( we get on), groom, groom’s family, friends etc who’ll all be at the wedding. Wife’s relatives live a long way away and about 30 of them will be travelling to the wedding. As they live a long way away I haven’t met them yet.
Apparently yesterday evening some of the relatives told my partner/bride that they don’t want me at the wedding as wife isn’t there. It’s really upset my partner/ bride and I’m utterly distraught at this stage to be told I can’t go. It’s a big wedding that’s been planned for 18 months. I have been very careful to not be replacing wife’ s position at the wedding- agreed to not sit with him for ceremony or at the reception.
We’re really happy together but after this I’m not sure I can carry on with the relationship as it will be always hanging over us that I was banned from the wedding. AIBU? Any words of wisdom to help me get through this?

I’m sorry but who are his wife family to tell you that you can’t go to the wedding of your step daughter? Firstly surely it’s her decision who can come to her wedding or not. Secondly the wife has been dead for 9 years! Thirdly it would be different if you had just met him and not been together long but 5 years is more than a substantial amount of time for you to be accepted as part of the family now. The fact your partner is not putting his foot down about this is a red flag for me because what next his daughter has children and has a birthday party for example and your banned from that too? My point is if this is the stance now where does it end?

Not sure why the thread has suddenly turned so anti-OP when she's behaved really well over the whole thing. It's a 5 year relationship, not some flash in the pan; she was perfectly happy to only go to the evening reception, didn't expect to be seated next to her partner if she was invited to the meal etc.

OP, I agree you need to rethink this relationship, because a spineless man can never have your back.

I’m sorry to read that you didn’t end up going. I think I would find it very hard to come back from.

People are looking at this wrongly!

The bride didn’t have to choose between her aunt/uncle and the father’s girlfriend. The aunt/uncle haven’t even met the OP and there is no conflict between them.

The bride had a choice between aunt/uncle and her dad being allowed a +1, where not having the +1 will also negatively impact his 5y long relationship. Essentially it’s a choice between aunt/uncle being there and her own father’s comfort and happiness. Clearly there is some deeper, long running drama between aunt/uncle and her dad and they now used the wedding as an opportunity to hurt and control him.

In OP’s shoes I wouldn’t take it personally, but I would judge the daughter for treating her father this way and I might consider the relationship taking into account DP’s standing in his own family and if I wanted to be a part of this drama for the rest of my life.

Those are my thoughts, @Oscarcleo

How did your partner respond to your heartfelt message about the wedding - have you heard from him at all?

Please let us know how things work out after the wedding

I think you make a good point.
The daughter did put the aunt ahead of her fathers enjoyment of the day.

I don't know how the OP will hold on to her self esteem and allow this fly.

Its just too shabby behaviour.

I think this is harsh, this was suddenly made an issue a couple of days before the wedding so it was just probably a split decision as not to rock the boat and cause major drama and let's face it ruin the Brides Day. I commend OP for being so gracious about it. I'm sure everyone will think this.

@Enrichetta yes he responded to say thank you for the beautiful message and it had made him cry

She says she has met the daughter and the groom. The only example she gives of being involved in the wedding planning is her boyfriend came with her to pick her outfit.

being involved in the wedding planning could involve listening to her boyfriend talk about it. That can make you feel involved but it’s not the same as going wedding dress shopping with the bride or helping the couple select their venue or paying for the flowers.

Don't get me wrong, what has happened here is cruel and would make me rethink my relationship - actually I would end the relationship over this. But she is not the step mother and she doesn’t seem to have a strong bond with the daughter.

But they're not his family; they're his deceased wife's. I doubt there would be another event of this magnitude tbh where the OP's partner - or the OP - would be expected to meet up with these people. Possibly any potential christening of any potential grandchild; but that's way ahead. By then, the daughter might not care so much about any blackmail attempts by her aunt.

She didn’t stop the clocks, she turned them around so she wouldn’t know what was happening at any particular time - and the reason she would know is because she was involved in the planning. So no, not ‘just a wedding’. There’s clearly commitment there. They’ve been together five years and are part of each others’ daily lives - the fact that they don’t choose to live together is irrelevant. OP refers to him as her partner, but you’ve chosen to use ‘boyfriend’ to suit your presumptuous narrative.

She's his partner not his wife, together 5 yrs not married 5 yrs

I can't believe they are giving in to wife's relatives. Your partner and his daughter need to stand up to them.

The daughter hasn’t treated her father in any way. What sort of a man wouldn’t put his own comfort aside anyway for his daughter on her wedding day? The father of the bride should 100% be telling his daughter that he will accept and support her with whatever she thinks is best in this difficult situation, considering she’s already having to do it without the support of her mother.

Any drama that might have existed between the brides mums family and her dad could have arisen from difficult circumstances surrounding her death. We don’t know anything on which to judge the deceased’s family. People saying it’s been nine years as if that makes a difference clearly have no clue.

What????

@Rosscameasdoody your points are excellent and well made. I think the aunt/uncle are vile. BUT the bride was forced to choose and the OP is a girlfriend (not a family member).

I honestly can't see that dumping your deceased mothers sister would be something such a young bride would have the wherewithal to do. And her Dad just wants her to be happy on her special day

I'm not minimising the feelings of the OP, I'm truly not (I've been in a similar ishish type situation and I ended the relationship with the "Dad" after a lot of thought)

I'm just saying .....it was so difficult for the young bride

The brides mum died nine years ago. At what point do you not only accept that, but also that people move on ? OP isn’t the self centred one here by a long chalk.

The family of the deceased wife didn’t want the op at the wedding. Perhaps they were concerned about the photos or some specific only family there aspect. The op was uninvited from the evening event and it’s this that makes me think that the relationship isn’t important for the dp (father of the bride). At the receptions it’s usually a mix of friends and family who were not at the wedding ceremony together with the wedding guests. He might have replied that the op’s message made him cry but he could at least have stood up to the deceased wife’s family for the evening attendance. There must have been a top table but the op could have sat anywhere else to appease the aunts/uncles etc. He probably knows that his convenient for him relationship is on the rocks. What does this relationship mean to you op? Take the time to think it over. I’d be stepping back and enjoying life with new friends or just by myself. Plan some great events to go to on your own of in a group and also some weekends away. This might be the moment when you realise how much energy you’ve been putting into a relationship that’s not making you happy. I don’t know of course but think it all over and put yourself first.

Where does it say she was involved with the planning 😂 it is so ridiculous to turn clocks round etc. why are people praising this hysteria?

I couldn't go forward in this relationship now. Your DP and DSD should have had your back.
To drop that on you at the very last moment is just so cruel. It makes me wonder if something shady is going on with your DP. Did your DSD apologise before the wedding, or has this all come from your DP?

Op how old are you? Are you around the same age as the daughter?

My uncle dies many years ago. His widow is absolutely our family. She is my aunt. She remarried, I went to her wedding. She comes to family gatherings. I see her at least once a year.

This aunt and uncle are his family - they are his in laws - his daughter’s aunt and uncle.

they are behaving badly - but they are family.

I’ll never understand why posters insist on disbelieving what the OP has stated as fact in order to put their own irrelevant spin on things. What you’re saying is that DD invited OP to the wedding, knew she’d bought her outfit and was looking forward to it, and then waited until two days before to uninvite her. Then went on to blame it on her aunt and uncle, despite the fact that her dad would be at the wedding and could easily have confronted them. Or are you saying that DD and her dad cooked it up between them ? Both are equally as batshit.

Absolutely rethink the relationship but going around turning clocks round and moping round the house like miss havesham is ridiculous.