Partner has told me today that I cannot go to his daughter’s wedding on Saturday

[Oscarcleo]

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. He’s a widow - wife died 9 years ago and he’s brought up only daughter on his own ever since. I’ve met daughter ( we get on), groom, groom’s family, friends etc who’ll all be at the wedding. Wife’s relatives live a long way away and about 30 of them will be travelling to the wedding. As they live a long way away I haven’t met them yet.
Apparently yesterday evening some of the relatives told my partner/bride that they don’t want me at the wedding as wife isn’t there. It’s really upset my partner/ bride and I’m utterly distraught at this stage to be told I can’t go. It’s a big wedding that’s been planned for 18 months. I have been very careful to not be replacing wife’ s position at the wedding- agreed to not sit with him for ceremony or at the reception.
We’re really happy together but after this I’m not sure I can carry on with the relationship as it will be always hanging over us that I was banned from the wedding. AIBU? Any words of wisdom to help me get through this?

*I think you are right I was suppose to type.

Absolutely this .

As I said, I wouldn’t behave this way but I understand the hurt behind it.

the aunt and uncle should’ve be dictating who comes to the wedding - people have to move on after a bereavement and the father of the bride is entitled to to have a girlfriend.

the bride was put in a awful position. But I understand why she picked her aunt and uncle over someone who her dad is dating. I would have been annoyed at my aunt and uncle for behaving this way, but I wouldn’t sever a link with my mums family over it.

But his wife died 9 years ago .. he is in the middle and obviously wants his daughter to have the best wedding day but come on who dictates to the bride who goes, if that was me I'd say ok sorry you dont want to be there but my dad is happy and he is coming with his partner.
What hold does an aunt & uncle have who live miles away anyway, its shitty behaviour.

Well she is saying that. We can all say its unreasonable, which it is, but clearly this is what has been said or wtte.

So what would you have liked him to do? Refuse to attend his daughter's wedding? Start a row with the aunt and uncle leading to them not going and upsetting his daughter on her wedding day?
The aunt and uncle are clearly totally unreasonable but some people on here seem to encourage drama and don't understand the concept that on occasion it's best not to show that your feelings are hurt and to behave with grace for the sake of someone else.

Oscarcleo. Hope you got through today okay. At least you can console yourself with the fact you are not related to these people in any way. What a horrible pair the aunt and uncle are, who on earth would bush whack thier niece two days before her wedding and emotionally blackmail her and her spineless father into uninviting you.

The Aunt?
To be fair no one know what Aunt said.
But I answered your previous post about the dad starting a row with the family - which doesn’t have to be the case
It doesn’t have ti be aggressive and that a man with a back bone as you put it, can be assertive in a very positive way.
It is the Aunt/ Uncle that are stamping their feet.
Anyway by now , it’s all over and done with.
and I hope op is enjoying herself , maybe with a wine or two.
Tomorrow is another day.
Life is really too short to argue / debate about this.
Time for me to do the same

Thanks for all the messages of support and I’m doing ok today. As it was too short notice to go away, I’ve arranged a weekend away in a few weeks.
I sent a heartfelt message to DP this morning about the wedding as I didn’t want to spoil the day for him.
I turned all my clocks around this morning/ switched off my phone so I couldn’t see what time it was/ when things would be happening at the wedding.
I spent the morning doing loads of odd jobs I’ve been putting off for ages and so real sense of achievement. Then spent a lovely afternoon catching up with my sister who was really supportive - swore lots about the situation and felt better.
I’m going to spend some time by myself this week before talking to DP next weekend about the future. I’ve got my head round not being at the formal ceremony/reception to keep the peace, but I’m still struggling with not being allowed to go to the informal evening do. It means we will have no shared memories of this significant day. The wedding would come up in lots of future conversations with others and I’m not sure how I would deal with that.

Thanks for updating @Oscarcleo You are handling this with dignity , and taking your time to think about this. I do hope you will find peace and happiness after this discappointment.

Take care OP.
I think it’ll it was me if make a point of not being around any talk. I think DP and SD may regret this and will have underestimated how guilty they might feel. Otherwise if they don’t then that may be an answer. (PS it sounds like everyone needs a sibling like yours)

You so strong op...like your sister but impressed how what the word...you done everything right... Look your self. X

OP you are an amazingly strong and dignified lady

That's it dignity...op you have behaved with dignity...

To quote another classy lady, Michelle Obama.

'When they go low, we go high'. x

I do think that both DP and bride should have stepped in. At the point where the evening do was suggested the bride should have said that you had big contribution to this day etc. And you cannot be simply just taken out off it, suggest the aunt and uncle to go for day do and you to evening do. You are right to be deeply offended. I also would consider seeking financial recompense for the financial loss. It maybe sound petty but it is significant.
I understand that you reconsider relationship and I would too.
Not enough has been done in your defence for you to be able to recover from this easily.

You are a class act, OP. Sending DP a message this morning so his day wouldn't be spoiled shows your amazing character.

Best of luck to you xx

I agree with this, well done OP

Don’t play into the hands of the aunt and uncle - is you and your partner splitting what they want ?

I can't imagine ever being so annoyed. Y something like this that I'd have to dramatically shut out the passage of time. It's nuts. Go to the cinema, go to the shops, go to a coffee shop and read a book and drink a hot chocolate. Just away and enjoy yourself for a couple of hours in instead of doing a mega mope and sending 'heartfelt messages' because you've not been invited to the wedding of a woman you met in her 20s.

OP was invited but because of a spiteful maternal aunt and uncle who emotionally blackmailed their niece at the last minute into uninviting her. I guess you missed the bit where OP said she had been with her partner 5 years and that she was involved with planning the wedding with the bride, she also met the groom and his family. Every comprise she suggested was thrown back in her face.

You don't suggest a compromise when someone asks you not to attend their event. You say ok and you live your life.

Seemingly it's also what their partner wants if he is so spineless. Why would OP waste time on such a pointless man?
She can do better and he can live his days and die alone to the aunt and uncle's tune.

I'm glad you had as good a day as you could, @Oscarcleo You are a very dignified, wise person and I hope your DP appreciates your quiet acceptance of this awful situation as fully as he needs to.