Partner has told me today that I cannot go to his daughter’s wedding on Saturday

[Oscarcleo]

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. He’s a widow - wife died 9 years ago and he’s brought up only daughter on his own ever since. I’ve met daughter ( we get on), groom, groom’s family, friends etc who’ll all be at the wedding. Wife’s relatives live a long way away and about 30 of them will be travelling to the wedding. As they live a long way away I haven’t met them yet.
Apparently yesterday evening some of the relatives told my partner/bride that they don’t want me at the wedding as wife isn’t there. It’s really upset my partner/ bride and I’m utterly distraught at this stage to be told I can’t go. It’s a big wedding that’s been planned for 18 months. I have been very careful to not be replacing wife’ s position at the wedding- agreed to not sit with him for ceremony or at the reception.
We’re really happy together but after this I’m not sure I can carry on with the relationship as it will be always hanging over us that I was banned from the wedding. AIBU? Any words of wisdom to help me get through this?

I agree with this. They are the ones being difficult, put their their own pettiness before the brides happiness. This is not your doing.

As far as I read, the bride has no issue with OP being there! It’s her daft relatives with a problem. If she’s old enough to het married she is old enough to open her mouth and tell them to shut it

Sorry, but the whole family have shown OP what they are and it isn't nice. Cut the lot of them out and find someone with a civilised, grown up family.

That's horrible, but I think your role is to prioritise your dp's daughter's feelings (in a way her uncle an aunt clearly won't) and not force her to choose.

Their behaviour is ridiculous and infuriating, and I'm sorry. But the person who will be hurt if you fight is the bride, an they are a young woman trying to enjoy their wedding day.

I don't think this is any sort of comment on your relationship. It's absolutely right that your dp prioritises his dd on her wedding day. It doesn't mean he doesn't agree the uncle and aunt are being total arseholes.

There is absolutely no evidence that the DP is a weak man, in spite of you stating this as fact.

However he feels about it, he was put in an impossible position, and of course, he won't want to spoil his Daughter's Wedding Day, so the only way he could have dealt with this, is to tell the OP what has happened and that she is no longer invited. What would you like him to have done? Told his daughter that he wouldn't come if the OP came too? So also using Blackmail to get his own way - like the Aunt and Uncle in this scenario?? Really? Poor Man - damned whatever he did from the sounds of it

@Oscarcleo is naturally and understandably upset about the situation, and when things have calmed down, she needs to discuss with her DP how things are going to look going forward. But it's OTT in your view to immediately decide to go straight to Divorce without further thought or discussion? Ok Then.....

There are no winners here for the bride, OP or her partner.

The poor bride has been put in a horrible position - she’s probably already emotional about her Mum not being there, is aunt Mum’s sister? I can imagine that having the aunt feels a bit like having a connection to her Mum at her wedding.

Partner is is a horrible position - he has to hurt one of the women he loves either way.

OP is right to feel hurt at this last minute situation.

But if the relationship is otherwise good I wouldn’t let this one off situation end it.

@Oscarcleo YANBU to be upset/disappointed about having the invitation withdrawn at the last minute. I quite understand that.

But I voted YABU because you are seriously now thinking of breaking up your relationship with your partner, and as I pointed out above, he won't have had any choice but to agree. If he had also refused to go without you, then he would have been as guilty as the Aunt/Uncle of trying to blackmail his daughter. He's being a Good Father to his daughter for not adding to her angst on her wedding day. Isn't that something to celebrate rather than be angry at him for?

Of course, if this is a pattern of behaviour from him, that is different, but it doesn't sound like it from your posts.

Why on earth is your DP taking notice of the ludicrous demands his ex sister and brother in law? I could understand their objection if you were the other woman but hos wife is dead. How on earth can he justify his total cowardice in cavining into their bigoted and unreasonable demands.

Sorry I think that is completely wrong. His wife died 9 years ago and he has been in a relationship with this lady for 5 years. He is a coward to cave into unreasonable demands.

If it were me i wouldnt go but i would expect my outfit paid for if the shop didnt take it back.

Aunt and uncle are way out of order, but it’s the bride and grooms day so they get to decide. In your DP’s shoes I’d be having very stern worlds with Aunt and Uncle, how dare they dictate who does and doesn’t come to the wedding, and also what your DP does with his personal life. I would have some sympathy if you’d been the OW and the exDW didn’t want you there, but that’s a completely different scenario. Is your DH not allowed to live, should he forever mourn his wife. Just bat shit!

OP I am really sorry you have had to go through this and cross for you, your partner and the bride that the relatives have put you in a needlessly horrid position,

I think the bride has had to deal with this in the best way she can, her Aunt and Uncle are basically representing her mum and so she really needs them to be there. She originally invited you and has involved you in the wedding, so saw no issue, but the ultimatum of the realtives has made it impossible and she has been made to chose.

You have every right to be sad and disappointed and those relatives would pretty much be on my shit list for a long while, but it probably is the right decision. If you can find it in yourself to be the adult here, understand that the choice was forced and that neither the bride nor your partner could do much about it, I think you would be the kind one.

Maybe one day you can talk to the bride about it. As for your relationship, it needs talking about, but basically your partner had to chose between his daughter and you, and not her relatives and you, and I would respect him for chosing his daughtter on her wedding day. The thing to consider a bit is how he and you deal with that side of his daughter's family going forward. I wouldn't tolerate this on any other type of event. They have to accept he has moved on and realise that their behaviour was unnecessarily unfair and unpleasant for the bride as well as you.

God forbid if my sister died I would go to my niece’s wedding with a smile on my face no matter who her father brought along
Because it what my sister would want and also the day would not be about me

But she wants her aunt to be there. And she's entitled to make that decision. It's her wedding and she's been put in a situation where either her aunt comes to the wedding, or her father's girlfriend does. And she's chosen.

Her dad doesn't get to kick off about this, or at least not until the wedding is over, then he can tell the aunt what he thinks of her.

He's not caved in. He's allowed his daughter to manage this hideous situation, because it's her wedding, so her right. And she opted to have her mother's sister attend.

Yes. Unfortunately it’s the bride’s decision to make and I can understand her wanting her late mums family there but, has anyone actually spoken to the aunt & uncle? I mean the two of them are quite clearly tapped. Both to be bothered by your attendance and to think they have a right to manipulate the wedding guest list in the first place.

You’d think they’d want their nieces father to go on to live a full and happy life with another woman who makes him happy and if he has anything about him at all he will have made it clear to them how out of order they are and to never have anything to do with the weirdos ever again.

What a bunch of bastards.

I'd have expected more backing of you from both DP and bride. If the aunt/uncle can't be civil for a day that is not about them, then they don't deserve to attend.

I'm sorry you feel forced out.

Maybe, but if this was the case it's odd for her to have indicated she wanted OP there. You'd expect her to have just been quiet on the matter if she didn't feel able to speak up.

i have been thinking about you today OP, I hope you are with people who love and care for you.

Well OP that would be the end for me. He has really shown you that he will not stand up for you. He is not a decent partner when push comes to shove. I am sorry. He is spineless. 💐

as a young widow, with young adult dc, I think this nails it.
The bride and op’s partner were in an awful position. The aunt and uncle are appalling, but the bride obviously wants them there, and it is her (&grooms) day.
in op’s position I would of course be hurt and upset, but I do understand why they said not to come. I just don’t understand the aunt & uncle stipulating op can’t attend.
(although to be clear I would play merry hell with those involved if I was put in this situation!)

What awful people her aunt and uncle are to put her under such pressure.
As if her mother's absence wasn't awful enough.

Quite shameful behaviour.

Hope you're okay today, OP.

@Oscarcleo op are you ok today?

Wow I understand your feelings in this , I cant for the life of me see how an aunt & uncle could put that kind of pressure on their niece and to not accept your partner moving on in his life with you.
I hope your day is ok today maybe i think you wre right , in this case you should of been told you are coming to the wedding regardless you deserve 100% better treatment than this xx