Page 32 | Partner has told me today that I cannot go to his daughter’s wedding on Saturday

Oscarcleo · 2025-05-22T17:58:06+00:00

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. He’s a widow - wife died 9 years ago and he’s brought up only daughter on his own ever since. I’ve met daughter ( we get on), groom, groom’s family, friends etc who’ll all be at the wedding. Wife’s relatives live a long way away and about 30 of them will be travelling to the wedding. As they live a long way away I haven’t met them yet. Apparently yesterday evening some of the relatives told my partner/bride that they don’t want me at the wedding as wife isn’t there. It’s really upset my partner/ bride and I’m utterly distraught at this stage to be told I can’t go. It’s a big wedding that’s been planned for 18 months. I have been very careful to not be replacing wife’ s position at the wedding- agreed to not sit with him for ceremony or at the reception. We’re really happy together but after this I’m not sure I can carry on with the relationship as it will be always hanging over us that I was banned from the wedding. AIBU? Any words of wisdom to help me get through this?

CocoChaneI · 24/05/2025 12:15

It will overshadow and taint your relationship to have that degree of negativity targeted directly at you and yes, it really is personal so you're very wise to cut free now. No fuss or drama. You'll never regret being free from the family toxicity.

Or maybe they'll live happily ever after.

Moonlightexpress · 24/05/2025 12:15

saraclara · 24/05/2025 11:18

They're not "random relatives". One of them (I'm assuming the aunt) is her late mother's sibling. The bride will be missing her mother desperately, and the chances of her feeling able to tell her aunt that she can't come are slim to none. I can only imagine that she'd feel that her mother wouldn't be happy about her sister being shunned.

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Exactly so knowing this and knowing that the daughter had already invited op, what kind of an 'aunt' does this... a selfish self centered bat shit one that's who.

saraclara · 24/05/2025 12:17

Cucy · 24/05/2025 12:03

I wouldn’t think twice about not going.

Its more important for DD to have her family there and not have any tension on the day.

I would tell her that there are no hard feelings and perhaps book a weekend away for all 4 of you instead.

I would not make DP feel guilty or make him try and take sides.

I would not be ending my relationship over this.

The only people in the wrong here are the aunts who don’t want you being there but to save the DD from any stress then I would happily take a step back but there’s no way I’d be ending my relationship over it.
If they don’t want you as part of the family then that’s their issue.

Why aren't there more posts like this?

I totally understand your hurt @Oscarcleo , but as a widow who has to watch her daughter walk up the aisle by herself, I can't imagine how much harder it would have been for her had there been ill feeling and tension among the family so near to, and during the wedding.

I have no words for the aunt and uncle though. Thank goodness that my own sister in law would never behave that way.

CocoChaneI · 24/05/2025 12:21

Well, we could also say that this is the OP's opportunity to show her compassion for her boyfriend's daughter having gone through one of the toughest things imaginable. Putting her own feelings on the backburner and focusing on the person about to experience one of the biggest days of their life. Somebody who's lost her mother rather than just not being able to attend a wedding.

But I know it's also about wanting to feel included. But there are defo some stepzillas on here too. 😂

CocoChaneI · 24/05/2025 12:24

saraclara · 24/05/2025 12:17

Why aren't there more posts like this?

I totally understand your hurt @Oscarcleo , but as a widow who has to watch her daughter walk up the aisle by herself, I can't imagine how much harder it would have been for her had there been ill feeling and tension among the family so near to, and during the wedding.

I have no words for the aunt and uncle though. Thank goodness that my own sister in law would never behave that way.

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Exactly. Seems silly for OP to sabotage her own happiness/relationship over this. Bet the aunt would love that!

GoldEagle · 24/05/2025 12:26

Bellyblueboy · 24/05/2025 11:36

OP this is hurtful. But I am intrigued by your relationship with the bride. You only say you have met her and your example of being involved in wedding prep is your boyfriend accompanied you to pick your outfit.

How else were you involved in the wedding prep? Did you help select the venue? Go wedding dress shopping with the bride? Cake tasting? Or did you listen to your boyfriend talk about all this - which can make you feel involved but which isn’t actually notable to the bride and groom.

if my sister died, my nieces wedding would be very difficult for me. My uncle passed away and his daughter’s wedding was hard. It was many years later yet it still hurt our whole family that he wasn’t there - it was a lovely day but my dad found it really, really hard. His brother should have been walking her down the aisle.

so while I would never do what this aunt and uncle have done I understand the pain behind it.

What do you want, chapter and verse about OP's and the bride's relationship, a scripted account of every word they have spoken to each other? OP's has said that she gets on with DP daughter and that she was involved in the wedding planning.

dementedmummy · 24/05/2025 12:28

Oscarcleo · 23/05/2025 17:58

It’s been a difficult day. Some further context: relatives who are objecting are aunt/uncle of bride ( no grandparents) and live in a completely different area. Bride is early twenties and had left for university when I got together with partner. Bride also lives in a different area now. DP and I live separately and both financially independent but live near each other and see each other daily. I have been involved in lots of the wedding plans/ DP came with me to choose my outfit etc.
I proposed a compromise that I only join them in the evening, not the ceremony/ reception meal. There will be over 150 there. DP tells me the relatives object to me coming to the evening as well. He feels stuck as bride wants aunt/uncle there and they have threatened not to come/leave if I’m present.
So I’m not going, made other plans for tomorrow but re-evaluating whether I want to carry on this relationship now.

Assuming aunt or uncle is deceased wife's sibling? And wife had been dead 4 years before DP started seeing you? Sounds to me like the sibling hasn't grieved and therefore doesn't want to see DP move on. It's not like he started dating you 4 days after the wife died. It's a absolute dick move of the sibling to blackmail bride. You may find bride reevaluate their relationship post wedding when she has space and time to think. If this is the only thing wrong and you leave DP over it, aunt and uncle have won because you won't be appearing at anything thereafter.

Em1ly2023 · 24/05/2025 12:33

So sorry you’re dealing with this. If his daughter invited you, I feel that your ‘partner’ is weak and spineless not to man up & tell them that his lady is coming. You’ve been part of the excitement and prep for months and now this. This is really bizarre tbh - who is actually instigating this? I wouldn’t want to be with a man after this, I wouldn’t feel so disrespected 💐

EPN · 24/05/2025 12:33

I suppose it's the tone that's important. Is there any back story that would explain why the would be hostile to you. Are they saying if she's there I'm not or are they saying ita too painful to me to see someone in the place, (metaphorically) as I know you've said about seating, my sister should have been in and I am just gonna be emotional and ruin the happy day or do they actively dislike you as an individual and are against you being there for other reasons?

CocoChaneI · 24/05/2025 12:34

CocoChaneI · 24/05/2025 12:10

For what's its worth though if I were the DD I'd be telling the Aunts that it would be a shame if they couldn't attend but despite their demanding 'Oscarcelo' will definitely still be attending.

I'm being a bit slow today having just got up (been on nights all week). I thought for a second you were saying DD should tell them that her dad's Italian boyfriend 'Oscarcelo' will definitely still be coming to the wedding! 😯🤣🤣🤣

I can't get this image out my head now of the FOTB turning up with the fabulously camp 'Oscarcelo'. 😂

WhiteRosesAndCandles · 24/05/2025 12:36

Game changer for me.

Hope you do something nice with your day.

EllieEllie25 · 24/05/2025 12:38

This is sad but it's not really your partner's fault, it's the fault of these nasty controlling relatives. He was completely stuck between you and them and has to support his daughter on this day of all days - his only other option really would be to force his daughter to choose between having you and him there or having her aunt and uncle there. which would have been a horrible situation to put her in.

Ideally the daughter would have told the aunt and uncle to get over it or stay away, but I can see why she went for the easier option and bowed to their demands since this was all so last minute and stressful.

I totally see why you're hurt but I wouldn't end your relationship over this.

Doitrightnow · 24/05/2025 12:46

I would be so upset over this, but I wouldn't end my relationship because I don't think your partner can do much. It's his DDs wedding, not his. What can he do, threaten to not go himself? Surely he's very upset about it too? I think he's a bit trapped.

I strongly object on principle to giving in to threats like the aunts are making, having experienced similar threats twice in my life. In both cases the person gave in to the blackmailer and it caused a lot of long-term damage. I feel sorry for your SDD, even though I think it's the wrong decision.

GoldEagle · 24/05/2025 12:47

Cucy · 24/05/2025 12:03

I wouldn’t think twice about not going.

Its more important for DD to have her family there and not have any tension on the day.

I would tell her that there are no hard feelings and perhaps book a weekend away for all 4 of you instead.

I would not make DP feel guilty or make him try and take sides.

I would not be ending my relationship over this.

The only people in the wrong here are the aunts who don’t want you being there but to save the DD from any stress then I would happily take a step back but there’s no way I’d be ending my relationship over it.
If they don’t want you as part of the family then that’s their issue.

So what happens if there are other family occasions, weddings, births, major birthday celebrations? Is OP not to be included at any point? Her partner has show her his true side and what she means to him which is very little. For her own self respect she should end this relationship.

PercyFredGeorge · 24/05/2025 12:55

Well for certain it shows you that his daughter would not like you there and the aunt and uncle are valued.

would this daughter allow you access to any chikdren she has? In case it upsets her aunt and uncle?

BBCONEANDTWO · 24/05/2025 12:56

Oriunda · 24/05/2025 12:05

Very good point. How often have we seen it said here on MN that a wedding isn’t the time to introduce a new partner? Instead of focussing on the bride, people would be looking at the FOB and his new (to them) partner. Inevitably, people will discuss them, and comparisons will be made to the bride’s deceased mother, and how sad it is that she’s not there etc etc. I would imagine that the wedding will be bittersweet for the aunt/uncle, as they’ll be thinking about their deceased sister who should be the MOB, for OP’s partner, and most especially for the bride herself.

I don’t understand why people are referring to the aunt as ‘random’. She’s clearly not. She’s possibly the only link the bride has to her mother. They may be very close.

People also need to stop harping on about OP being a stepmother. The bride isn’t the OP’s stepdaughter by a long shot. She’s dating (albeit for 5 years) the bride’s father, and doesn’t live with him. The daughter had gone to uni/moved away before OP started dating her father. She’s ‘met’ and ‘got on’ with OP, which can mean anything.

My father remarried when I was in my 20s. His wife is not my stepmother; she’s my father’s wife. We have no relationship outside that of a polite one on the occasions that I see my father. So I’ve met her. I get on with her …. In that we exchange pleasantries. We don’t have phone conversations (I don’t have her number and vice versa).

I think it crazy that the OP is thinking of punishing her partner for putting his daughter first, and for something that is outside of his control.

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Very sensible response.

LeftieRightsHoarder · 24/05/2025 12:56

I hope you’re having a lovely weekend holiday, OP.

You must feel deeply hurt, but I wouldn’t end a relationship over this if it has been good up till now. DP and his daughter were forced into an impossible position, and he had to do what would cause the least upset to the bride.

I hope DP is full of apologies. I would have a serious conversation, making it clear that you expect better in future. As the late wife’s relatives can’t show basic courtesy, I’d expect DP to end contact with them.

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 24/05/2025 12:58

If this couple live far away, and presumably haven't even met you, how will they even know you're present amongst the 150 people at the reception?! you said you'd planned not to sit next to your partner. surely the bride and groom could just make sure you're not seated at the same table as the batshit relatives, so there would be no reason for them to even talk to you (and find out who your bf is)?

Has your 'dp' been apologetic or not? Has his dd been in touch with you herself to explain her decision/ thought process? Do either of them understand how upset this has left you feeling? What do they imagine will happen after this?

CocoChaneI · 24/05/2025 13:04

Perhaps OP should've attended and maintained anonymity....until the very end when she thanks said relatives for attending her future DSD's big day. 😂

Cucy · 24/05/2025 13:05

GoldEagle · 24/05/2025 12:47

So what happens if there are other family occasions, weddings, births, major birthday celebrations? Is OP not to be included at any point? Her partner has show her his true side and what she means to him which is very little. For her own self respect she should end this relationship.

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It would depend on the celebration and whose ‘day’ it is.
If the DD chooses not to have OP, her aunt or even her dad at the birth of her first child then that’s her choice.

The person whose celebration it is, is the most important person.

This isn’t about OP or her DP.
It’s about the DD and her groom.
It is their day and DD obviously wants her family there and for there to not be any issues.

This day is going to be hard enough for DD as it is.
OP does not get to decide that her feelings of being left out are more important than the DDs whose day it is.

saraclara · 24/05/2025 13:17

GoldEagle · 24/05/2025 12:47

So what happens if there are other family occasions, weddings, births, major birthday celebrations? Is OP not to be included at any point? Her partner has show her his true side and what she means to him which is very little. For her own self respect she should end this relationship.

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There is time to have a strategy for future events, and for the OP 's partner to make it clear to the family that OP is now a part of it, and is to be accepted as such.

In this case the issue came out of the blue and at the very last minute, so they're was no time to discuss/negotiate/introduce/disagree. So the bride had to take priority.

Longingforspringtime · 24/05/2025 13:28

This happened to a friend of mine. I met her on her DP’s son’s wedding day. She was distraught to be excluded because some of the relatives objected. After many years together she married him and the family now have to suck it up because she’s his wife. It doesn’t sound as if OP is going to marry him as they live apart, but she’s going to continue to be left sitting at home for every family event if she stays with him as a partner.

Thestoryofanewname · 24/05/2025 13:29

GoldEagle · 24/05/2025 12:47

So what happens if there are other family occasions, weddings, births, major birthday celebrations? Is OP not to be included at any point? Her partner has show her his true side and what she means to him which is very little. For her own self respect she should end this relationship.

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This is his daughter's wedding and it's all very last minute, he will have to prioitise the daughter having a happy day with no conflict.
I think it could be easier for future events for him to say that he doesn't feel able to attend if his partner isn't also invited. Big birthdays etc, it's easy to have separate celebrations.
The only future events I could envisage causing an issue is if the daughter has children and arranges baptisms or similar. At least he can predict this and talk it through with his daughter in advance. The best thing OP can do in this particular circumstance is forget all about the wedding and treat herself to a nice weekend as best she can.
It would be better to say nothing about it to the daughter-she's more likely to feel sorry about it if OP continues to be friendly and less likely to exclude OP from anything in future. I would behave with grace.

GoldEagle · 24/05/2025 13:44

EPN · 24/05/2025 12:33

I suppose it's the tone that's important. Is there any back story that would explain why the would be hostile to you. Are they saying if she's there I'm not or are they saying ita too painful to me to see someone in the place, (metaphorically) as I know you've said about seating, my sister should have been in and I am just gonna be emotional and ruin the happy day or do they actively dislike you as an individual and are against you being there for other reasons?

This aunt and uncle and the other relatives on the bride's maternal side have never met OP, live miles away apprently. They are just being twats.

MargaretThursday · 24/05/2025 13:46

Fargo79 · 24/05/2025 09:53

If his daughter had asked him to get involved that's one thing. OP says the bride is upset, but there's no suggestion that she wants OP there instead of her family. Indeed, she has acquiesced to their demand (as unfair as that demand is) precisely because she wants her family there more than she wants her dad's girlfriend who she has "met".

If I were the bride in this situation and my dad went in throwing his weight around so his girlfriend could attend, and that resulted in my actual family not coming to my wedding I would be beyond furious with every single person involved. They would all have been putting their own wants ahead of mine, at my wedding, where I already would be missing my late mum.

OP is just this bloke's girlfriend. They don't live together. She doesn't have a close relationship with his daughter. She wasn't even on the scene until his daughter had moved away to uni. It's just very simply not about her.

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There's also the possibility that the bride has said to her aunt something along the lines of "I miss Mum so much and SM has assumed she's going to be there; she's been there with the planning and everything, but every time I see her, I'm reminded Mum won't be there, I wish she wasn't coming" and aunt has agreed to be the bad guy.

It's not really about Op, more about Mum not being there.