Partner has told me today that I cannot go to his daughter’s wedding on Saturday

[Oscarcleo]

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. He’s a widow - wife died 9 years ago and he’s brought up only daughter on his own ever since. I’ve met daughter ( we get on), groom, groom’s family, friends etc who’ll all be at the wedding. Wife’s relatives live a long way away and about 30 of them will be travelling to the wedding. As they live a long way away I haven’t met them yet.
Apparently yesterday evening some of the relatives told my partner/bride that they don’t want me at the wedding as wife isn’t there. It’s really upset my partner/ bride and I’m utterly distraught at this stage to be told I can’t go. It’s a big wedding that’s been planned for 18 months. I have been very careful to not be replacing wife’ s position at the wedding- agreed to not sit with him for ceremony or at the reception.
We’re really happy together but after this I’m not sure I can carry on with the relationship as it will be always hanging over us that I was banned from the wedding. AIBU? Any words of wisdom to help me get through this?

I would like to hope that the bride and her father can tell the relatives at the end of the day that it would have been nice if the OP could have been there, and that she gave up her place (which will have been paid for) to placate said relatives. And here is the invoice for the vacant place and the OP's outfit

Still not the partner's choice tbf. I'd expect him to make it clear he wants his partner there but beyond that he can't really do much.

I completely disagree with you. After half a decade it is more like a sd relationship.

If the bride was so close to this random aunt and uncle then she would have been able to say to them she wants op there. Op describes a good relationship with her, and this has come as a terrible shock. You are forgetting op was invited and expected to attend even up to a day ago! So of course the bride wanted her there, or this would have come up ages ago.

It is always the brides choice as to whom is invited, and her choice was to invite - these random relatives should NOT have had the opportunity to veto other guests! It’s not their wedding. It is a joke you are even defending them.

OP’s dp should have had a quiet word with them and should have stood up for op. It’s what partners do, or what is the point of the relationship.

I would leave in a heartbeat. The trust and respect would evaporate for me.

As if that makes it any better. All the more for these puritanical prats to be given short shrift.

This. Even if the OP didn’t care it needs to be called out anyway, it’s not about her as an individual, as they don’t know her from Adam. It’s the disrespect to the bride’s father. Awful of them to do this.

They're not "random relatives". One of them (I'm assuming the aunt) is her late mother's sibling. The bride will be missing her mother desperately, and the chances of her feeling able to tell her aunt that she can't come are slim to none. I can only imagine that she'd feel that her mother wouldn't be happy about her sister being shunned.

If I were the bride, I would rank my father’s happiness over the wishes of an aunt/uncle I barely see. They are being out of order and it should be entirely up to the bride who attends her wedding. It should also be up to the bride to choose to accept her father’s partner in his life so many years after her mother’s passing. And the DP should not be made to feel he has to choose between his late wife’s family and his new long-term partner.

If I were the bride, I am afraid I would be telling aunt/uncle that I was sad that they could not get over themselves and put her needs and happiness first on her wedding day, but understood that they would now not be attending.

I’m sorry but if my sister bagged like this surrounding my death and upsetting my daughter, I’d be giving her grief from beyond the grave if I was able.

It would not be something I would want, I’d passed away, nothing can change that and I don’t want my death to be used to manipulate my daughter.

Who says she barely sees them? It's her dad and the OP that the bride lives a distance from. She might actually live near the aunt and uncle.

aunt/uncle of bride ( no grandparents) and live in a completely different area. Bride is early twenties and had left for university when I got together with partner. Bride also lives in a different area now.

I agree that she isn't your step daughter, but most brides get to choose their guests, here she's been given an ultimatum.

Having said that you've been with her dad for a long time and he probably feels torn.

Hand on heart this would also make me take a look at my relationship with both, more his DD.

If she sees the Aunts/uncles regularly I can kind of understand her, but if she sees them once in a blue moon and sees your and her dad's relationship as a serious one I'm surprised she's uninviting you on the say so of those relatives.
It does kind of put her thoughts of you into perspective.

I also feel a bit sorry for your DP in all this, he can't really control who his DD invites, he can express his thoughts, but can hardly say he won't attend if you can't go.

For what's its worth though if I were the DD I'd be telling the Aunts that it would be a shame if they couldn't attend but despite their demanding asking 'Oscarcelo' will definitely still be attending.

Im so sorry this has happened to you OP. I hope you are OK.

I think the Aunt deliberately left her "announcement" to the very last minute to be sure of winning her way, because your Partner and the Bride were probably in a panic that it would overshadow the wedding and cause a huge kick up on the day. And it has left them virtually no time to discuss it or even think about it properly. If they'd had more time, they could have got some of their other relatives to tell the Aunt her behaviour was unacceptable. And then the Bride would have know she had the support of her other relatives.

I had worries about several of my relatives attending my wedding and was basically praying that they would behave themselves. (Predictably some them did not behave well, but another relative dealt with it and I didn't know until afterwards.) I can imagine that this has really upset the bride and your partner as well as you.

However, I do feel that your Partner should have contacted the Aunt and stood up for you, and that it was blackmail and seen if he could talk her round. I would feel let down if he hadn't tried, but then it does depend on the personalities involved. A disagreement a month before hand wouldn't have so much impact and could be got over but a few days is a different matter.

Maybe she wasn't the type who could be talked round, and perhaps he already knew it was fruitless, we don't know what kind of relationship he had with her when he was married. The Aunt might have been longing for a confrontation and a big walk out to do a drama grief display and make the wedding all about her. She probably knew that if she didnt come or walked out that the Bride would have to deal with a whole host of relatives wanting to know why. And it would be grim to be there yourself whilst that was going on. And perhaps this is what the Partner and Bride were anxious to avoid. I'm guessing it would be very hard to deal with someone who behaves like that and her last minute blackmail points to her being that sort of unreasonable person. And it's not as if he could have said to the Bride, well in that case I'm not coming without my partner as that would be just as bad a blackmail as the Aunts.

I think I would want to know a lot more about how and why he dealt with this in the way that he did. And also to find out if he understands/cares about how much this has upset you, or whether he thinks you should just get over it. And if he offers to pay for your wasted outfit (I imagine it would be hard to wear it now)

I hope you manage to have a calm, relaxing day.

I hope you have a fabulous day @Oscarcleo. Let them get on with it.

The relatives have behaved terribly. Saying they won’t stay at the evening reception of 150 guests if you’re discretely one of them is spiteful emotional blackmail. Let them leave then. Their problem. The bride has been terribly weak not putting her foot down to them. Your DP should’ve backed her if she wanted you there. But it’s ultimately not his decision. It’s his DD’s wedding and it must be v emotional for her without her mum there. Your DP’s priority should be his DD’s well-being and happiness on her wedding day.

If you generally have a good relationship and he’s always considerate to you, try to understand the very difficult position he’s in.

I could understand if his wife died 6 .months ago and you were a quick turnaround but 9 years! WTF.
Who are these people that have such power over your dh and sd.
Are you sure it isn't just an excuse and SD misses her mother so badly she cant bear to have her replacement at her wedding even though you get on. I could understand that after a fashion but I'd be pissed at this last minute nonsense too.

OP this is hurtful. But I am intrigued by your relationship with the bride. You only say you have met her and your example of being involved in wedding prep is your boyfriend accompanied you to pick your outfit.

How else were you involved in the wedding prep? Did you help select the venue? Go wedding dress shopping with the bride? Cake tasting? Or did you listen to your boyfriend talk about all this - which can make you feel involved but which isn’t actually notable to the bride and groom.

if my sister died, my nieces wedding would be very difficult for me. My uncle passed away and his daughter’s wedding was hard. It was many years later yet it still hurt our whole family that he wasn’t there - it was a lovely day but my dad found it really, really hard. His brother should have been walking her down the aisle.

so while I would never do what this aunt and uncle have done I understand the pain behind it.

Hope you are OK today OP. I don't really know the usual etiquette but I wonder if their feelings are misdirected and are actually about their brother in law not having introduced you at a more appropriate and timely way and you've got the brunt of their simmering feelings about this. Shame it's cast such a shadow over the wedding and they couldn't put their feelings aside for the bride.

What an awful situation. your DP will only realise what he's lost when you aren't in his life anymore.

It will overshadow and taint your relationship to have that degree of negativity targeted directly at you and yes, it really is personal so you're very wise to cut free now. No fuss or drama. You'll never regret being free from the family toxicity.

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Are the aunt and uncle even contributing to the wedding costs?

I invited quite a few relatives and family friends to my wedding for my mum’s sake, but when my sisters and aunt started making hints about who to invite, I was quick to say that DH and I were paying for this wedding and we know our seating arrangements and budget best.

The idea of giving an aunt and uncle who live far away and who I don’t see much any sway on who comes to my wedding would be unthinkable.

I think the responses would be different if the thread title was 'partner's daughter has told me' rather than making it sound like the partner made the call.

Lots of people lose family members in tragic circumstances. It doesn’t justify twat behaviour.

But it's probably not about her feelings for aunt/uncle vs her feelings for her dad's girlfriend. The most emotive point is her mum not being there and these are her mum's siblings even if they're being unreasonable.

I wouldn’t think twice about not going.

Its more important for DD to have her family there and not have any tension on the day.

I would tell her that there are no hard feelings and perhaps book a weekend away for all 4 of you instead.

I would not make DP feel guilty or make him try and take sides.

I would not be ending my relationship over this.

The only people in the wrong here are the aunts who don’t want you being there but to save the DD from any stress then I would happily take a step back but there’s no way I’d be ending my relationship over it.
If they don’t want you as part of the family then that’s their issue.

I'm sorry OP, what an awful situation, and one that hasn't been handled especially well, though I'm not sure there was a way for the Bride to please everyone.

Her family who have kicked up a fuss are just awful. Spiteful, uncaring and very selfish. You not being their doesn't change the fact that the Brides Dad has a partner, so quite what the aunt and uncle are trying to achieve other than make themselves feel better, I don't know. You not being there doesn't change the fact that you exist, or that the bride has lost her mum. If you were the other woman, I'd perhaps be more sympathetic, but by all accounts, the Bride has a good relationship with you, you make her Dad happy. All they've done is cause the Bride a lot of last minute stress, really upset her Dad and you, and possibly destroyed the trust in a previosily perfectly relationship. I'd have been very firm with the aunt and uncle in the Brides shoes, you being there isn't their choice, if they chose to be petty for zero good reason, they would no longer be welcome. Let's face it, even without you there, they've tainted the whole wedding. The Bride will always remember the stress and upset, her Dad will always remember he couldn't have his partner there to share a huge day in the life of his family and if your relationship continues, its set a precedent for any future family occasions.

I hope despite the upset, that you manage yo make the best of your day, and that you feel more supported by your loved ones going forwards. Take care. X

Very good point. How often have we seen it said here on MN that a wedding isn’t the time to introduce a new partner? Instead of focussing on the bride, people would be looking at the FOB and his new (to them) partner. Inevitably, people will discuss them, and comparisons will be made to the bride’s deceased mother, and how sad it is that she’s not there etc etc. I would imagine that the wedding will be bittersweet for the aunt/uncle, as they’ll be thinking about their deceased sister who should be the MOB, for OP’s partner, and most especially for the bride herself.

I don’t understand why people are referring to the aunt as ‘random’. She’s clearly not. She’s possibly the only link the bride has to her mother. They may be very close.

People also need to stop harping on about OP being a stepmother. The bride isn’t the OP’s stepdaughter by a long shot. She’s dating (albeit for 5 years) the bride’s father, and doesn’t live with him. The daughter had gone to uni/moved away before OP started dating her father. She’s ‘met’ and ‘got on’ with OP, which can mean anything.

My father remarried when I was in my 20s. His wife is not my stepmother; she’s my father’s wife. We have no relationship outside that of a polite one on the occasions that I see my father. So I’ve met her. I get on with her …. In that we exchange pleasantries. We don’t have phone conversations (I don’t have her number and vice versa).

I think it crazy that the OP is thinking of punishing her partner for putting his daughter first, and for something that is outside of his control.

For what's its worth though if I were the DD I'd be telling the Aunts that it would be a shame if they couldn't attend but despite their demanding 'Oscarcelo' will definitely still be attending.

I'm being a bit slow today having just got up (been on nights all week). I thought for a second you were saying DD should tell them that her dad's Italian boyfriend 'Oscarcelo' will definitely still be coming to the wedding! 😯🤣🤣🤣

I'm also incredibly petty, so hope a whole host of guests loudly ask where you are, why you aren't there, that your partner must be sad missing sharing it with you, and the aunt and uncle are made to feel very unwelcome and be told by someone after a drink or two that they've upset the Bride and maybe destroyed a relationship in exchange for their attendance. I'd never look at them again or have any involvement again in the Brides shoes.