Partner has told me today that I cannot go to his daughter’s wedding on Saturday

[Oscarcleo]

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. He’s a widow - wife died 9 years ago and he’s brought up only daughter on his own ever since. I’ve met daughter ( we get on), groom, groom’s family, friends etc who’ll all be at the wedding. Wife’s relatives live a long way away and about 30 of them will be travelling to the wedding. As they live a long way away I haven’t met them yet.
Apparently yesterday evening some of the relatives told my partner/bride that they don’t want me at the wedding as wife isn’t there. It’s really upset my partner/ bride and I’m utterly distraught at this stage to be told I can’t go. It’s a big wedding that’s been planned for 18 months. I have been very careful to not be replacing wife’ s position at the wedding- agreed to not sit with him for ceremony or at the reception.
We’re really happy together but after this I’m not sure I can carry on with the relationship as it will be always hanging over us that I was banned from the wedding. AIBU? Any words of wisdom to help me get through this?

You would be railroading because the bride has presumably done all that, why is there an assumption she hasnt?

OP was invited, she will have said 'well Ive invited her, she has been planning this for a while'

And the aunty is unreasonable but we have to deal with unreasonable people in life and bride wants here there. What can she do met with that brick wall?

I would say it’s absolutely his remit to tell his SIL of 25 plus years a few home truths, why not? They think it’s their remit to edit the guest list two days before the wedding. We clearly disagree though!

This.

Nailed it.

Drive in to it! I jest; I do get what you are saying, it’s just the bride will probably feel guilt around her mother’s memory here. I’m looking at it as her being in a vulnerable position. Her father could take charge with the relatives that are effectively peers to him rather than the proxy-parent position of an aunt.

If his daughter had asked him to get involved that's one thing. OP says the bride is upset, but there's no suggestion that she wants OP there instead of her family. Indeed, she has acquiesced to their demand (as unfair as that demand is) precisely because she wants her family there more than she wants her dad's girlfriend who she has "met".

If I were the bride in this situation and my dad went in throwing his weight around so his girlfriend could attend, and that resulted in my actual family not coming to my wedding I would be beyond furious with every single person involved. They would all have been putting their own wants ahead of mine, at my wedding, where I already would be missing my late mum.

OP is just this bloke's girlfriend. They don't live together. She doesn't have a close relationship with his daughter. She wasn't even on the scene until his daughter had moved away to uni. It's just very simply not about her.

I'm widowed, and I will always put my daughters first in a situation like this.

I refuse to believe that I'd be an arse if in this situation, I put my daughter first and let her make her own decision about her own wedding when she's been put in such an awful position. But of course I'd feel torn and desperately uncomfortable.

After the wedding of course I would give that aunt hell. But I wouldn't be risking a huge family fall out and ruining my daughter's day.

If I were the bride in this situation and my dad went in throwing his weight around so his girlfriend could attend, and that resulted in my actual family not coming to my wedding I would be beyond furious with every single person involved. They would all have been putting their own wants ahead of mine, at my wedding, where I already would be missing my late mum.

Exactly that.

Batshit behaviour from all involved. So sorry for you today OP x

It’s unacceptable that a relative has given an ultimation. As a bride I would not let anyone pressure me into anything.

Its very easy to say that banging out a message on a keyboard isnt it

She wants them there.

If it’s upset the bride and your partner why are they complying with this request?
It’s the couples day, not the brides maternal family, they should suck it up.

Of course it's personal to OP FFS.

I think if it’s like this, then it’s time for the OP to move on as many others have said. You don’t want to be hiding in the background for the rest of your life.

Doubtful. Unless you are saying you think there's some backstory where they specifically object to OP, as opposed to objecting to anyone who was romantically linked with the bride's father.

But it was already "like that". They already didn't live together, weren't overly involved with each others lives (going by the fact that she describes her boyfriend's daughter as being someone she "has met"). If it's only a problem under the current circumstances, it seems more an issue of OP's ego and a need for the validation of appearing to be a central part of things.

It's fine to re-evaluate and decide she wants more. It's incredibly dickish to blame her boyfriend and his daughter for that.

Fargo 79 - So if this happened to you, you wouldn't take it personally? It is a so appalling cruel and nasty thing to do 2 days before the wedding. Is OP going to be pushed into the background at other family occasions as if she is some dirty little secret. I would never allow anyone to treat me like that, I have more self respect.

I'm sorry, it sounds like a difficult, no-win situation for everybody. I quite understand you rethinking the relationship.

And why would she say that ?
it’s been 9 years.
it would be terribly childish
do people think op’s partner should stay single FOREVER?
my granny did - nearly 40 years.
would not wish that on my worse enemy

The op isn’t a big part of the brides life whereas her family is. At this point the op needs to step back and let the big day go ahead without a fuss.
The bride and dp have been put in an impossible situation. It’s not their fault.

It isn’t unreasonable or surprising for Op to be questioning her relationship over this. If Op isn’t allowed at the wedding now, what about when the DD has children? It isn’t just a wedding, it’s a very clear sign from the DDs family that she is not welcome. While they wouldn’t be her in laws, they are inevitably linked through the DD, and if the aunt and uncle are willing to cause this much drama over the wedding I find it hard to believe they won’t do the over children and Op “playing grandmother” to their great nieces/nephews. If Op is looking to build a happy life into old age with someone, unfortunately it doesn’t sound like the environment for it.

Yes, agree with this. It's not just about the wedding but the precedence it sets for the future and the extent to which OP will ever feel part of the family.

OP, hope you manage to have a nice day today and treat yourself. Once it is over , I would say calmy to your DP that you want some time apart to consider whether this is right for you.

Your family made him welcome or your deceased first husband’s family? That’s the difference here

Well 150 isn’t that many.

It isn’t even as complicated as a “ Where’s Wally?” Someone will figure it out.

No way I’d be slinking about trying not to be noticed. To be honest, there’s no way I’d go at all now.

I assume that at least some of the friends and family who are invited to the wedding will be given a 'plus one' but the father of the bride, who is possibly paying for some or all of the wedding isn't allowed one.

As OP has been in a relationship with the bride's dad for five years, it is unlikely that the aunt and uncle have only just realised that OP would been invited. They have left it until the last minute to issue this demand to cause maximum upset and embarassment for OP and her partner. Even though the bride has agreed to uninvite OP, this has obviously put a cloud over the wedding day and this aunt and uncle have made their niece 'pick sides' between their wishes and her dad's. By agreeing to uninvite OP, her partner is trying to make it easier for his daughter. However, OP has every right to feel very upset.