Partner has told me today that I cannot go to his daughter’s wedding on Saturday

[Oscarcleo]

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. He’s a widow - wife died 9 years ago and he’s brought up only daughter on his own ever since. I’ve met daughter ( we get on), groom, groom’s family, friends etc who’ll all be at the wedding. Wife’s relatives live a long way away and about 30 of them will be travelling to the wedding. As they live a long way away I haven’t met them yet.
Apparently yesterday evening some of the relatives told my partner/bride that they don’t want me at the wedding as wife isn’t there. It’s really upset my partner/ bride and I’m utterly distraught at this stage to be told I can’t go. It’s a big wedding that’s been planned for 18 months. I have been very careful to not be replacing wife’ s position at the wedding- agreed to not sit with him for ceremony or at the reception.
We’re really happy together but after this I’m not sure I can carry on with the relationship as it will be always hanging over us that I was banned from the wedding. AIBU? Any words of wisdom to help me get through this?

All I read in your posts is me, me, me me! If you want to make this single episode the determining factor for your future relationship, then maybe you don’t care for your partner and his daughter as much as you think you do.

Aunty and uncle object to OP being at the wedding - even the evening do - and issue an ultimatum two days before the event. Why didn’t they object when they received the invitation ? It’s nasty, spiteful and vicious. And designed to cause maximum damage because it forces DP and DD to choose, thereby sending a powerful message - in this case to OP.

To be honest if l were the bride l wouldn’t care how close these relatives were - they’d be uninvited for pulling this shit at the last minute. They’ve shown her who they really are as people who can’t accept that their dead relatives’ widower - the brides own father - has moved on and are trying to hide away their relationship like some dirty little secret.

Instead she’s caved and prioritised her deceased mums’ relatives over her own father, forcing him to have a very uncomfortable and potentially relationship ending conversation with OP and forcing her dad to attend her wedding alone.

If you were to go you'd feel very uncomfortable and unwelcome. Sod them! Take yourself off somewhere nice and re-evaluate your situation with your partner.

This for me. Doesn't say much for partner or Bride. Both spineless and I would not want to see either again. You deserve so much better and I'm sorry you have been hurt so badly.

Aunt and uncle sound unpleasant and why are they putting stress and upset on the bride, that’s hardly a loving thing to do! Poor bride is an an awful position at what’s meant to be the happiest time!

And if the partner genuinely feels between a rock and a hard place, can’t grow a backbone etc…fine. That’s his decision. Just as mine would be to end it with him in OP’s shoes.

@Oscarcleo I hope you have a lovely day today, whatever you are doing.

If it were me, I think the relationship would be over. Are you going to be relegated at christenings because her mum died 9 years ago and aunt and uncle insist?? What about children's birthday parties? Anniversary parties?

I get that weddings are stressful but either your dp hasn't told you the whole story or the bride is bowing to emotional blackmail without a thought about how her dad will feel not having his partner attend. And about the longer term implications on your relationship with her.

You offered a compromise in only attending in the evening (even the original seating arrangement was compromise enough imho) but for it to be aunt and uncles way or nothing, I couldn't continue to be with a man that doesn't stand up for me.

She ISNT a step daughter

And the reality is, the bride has not wanted to tell her aunt and uncle they should stay at home because OP is coming. She wants them there. It speaks to the depth of relationship she has with them. I dont know why recent posters have felt relevant to say that the aunty and uncle live away or elsewhere and therefore she cant possibly be close to them, since when does that decree the depth of relationship you have with someone. You dont know how close or otherwise she is to them

This isnt about OPs partner 'standing by her' or not, he isnt in a position to do anything other than attend the wedding. Hes hardly going to alienate his daughter away from the only living parent she still has left is he?

So the bride wanted you there, the DP wanted you there and random aunts/uncles whom you have never met in five years are dictating the guest list at the very last minute?

I would have a bigger issue with the DP and bride going along with this and dumping you.

She’s not chosen her aunty over her dad’s partner. She’s caved to the appalling petulant behaviour of another supposedly grown woman and prioritised her feelings over those of her own father

So basically start a row with the maternal side of the family, the brides extended family linked to her mum, start that row days before the wedding, railroad his daughter into taking over about her choice and how she resolves this.

Is this what people think a man having backbone is then these days? To be aggressive, interfere in something that he doesnt have the right to? For him to 'take charge of the situation', that is actually for his daughter to take charge of?

Ok then. No wonder Im so off kilter and shocked by the responses on this thread.

I disagree. Having a conversation doesn't equal alienating your daughter. She's a grown up, and 9 years later surely can understand her father has been lucky enough to meet someone else.

They are prioritising a ghost and the idea of a parent being there over the here and now.

This same thing happened in my own family over 20 years ago when it was my aunt that died. My other aunt (deceased aunts sister) wouldn't attend my cousins wedding because my uncle had a new partner. My dad who had also lost his sister did and fell out with his living sister for the demands she was making.

The compromise would be OP attending the evening, if aunt ans uncle don't feel able to stay then so be it, but that's on them. Amongst 150 people it's perfectly possible to avoid each other

There is something very weird going on
Poor dads Dad having to come in his own.
When my widowed dad met his partner , some years after mum had died , me and siblings couldn’t have been happier.
Yet I know adult kids who don’t want their widowed parent to meet anyone else.
it’s the height of selfishness to wish loneliness of anyone.

Where does it say and why are people assuming the conversation hasnt been had. A conversation isnt going to solve this if she wants them there. Thats all there is to it.

And no she shouldnt really be pressured by her own father, other wise he is turning into a version of the aunt and uncle. Telling the bride who she should or shouldnt have at the wedding.

Not in an aggressive way…just in a firm ‘ Penny wouldn’t have wanted this. She never want me to live the rest of my life alone.
Op is a lovely woman , who has helped me put my life back together. I couldn’t have done it without her. She’s not Penny , no one could replace her, so don’t ever think that. But she is important to me.

I certainly don't think that OP is being all 'me, me, me, me'. It's a distressing situation for the bride and OP's DH to have to tell OP that she is no longer invited to any part of the wedding, not even the evening do and it's distressing for OP to be excluded two days before the wedding due to the unreasonable demands of her DH's SIL and BIL.

The people who are behaving disgracefully are the aunt and uncle who have managed to upset the bride, her dad and OP and their behaviour has cast a shadow over the whole wedding. It was completely unnecessary for them to do this. OP was in no way taking over the role of her DH's late wife as she has said:

'I have been very careful to not be replacing wife’ s position at the wedding- agreed to not sit with him for ceremony or at the reception.'

She would just be attending as a guest, with no role in the wedding and wouldn't even be sitting with her partner. She has also been banned from the evening do where 150 people have been invited. I doubt whether this aunt and uncle could even pick OP out of a line-up so would be completely unaffected by OP's presence. The wedding will be bitter-sweet anyway for the bride without her mother being there, but this behaviour from her aunt and uncle has just made things worse.

I think you should seriously consider ending your relationship, 5 years is a long time to be with soneone to then be disregarded. At what point will the relatives accept you? Will you be frozen out of important family events forever? It sounds untenable, I'm sorry

Sorry if I'm sounding a bit callous. But the bride's mother is dead, has been for 9 years, its not like you're pushing her out or you started an affair on her death bed. I don't get their problem.

What would you have wanted your boyfriend to do? How could he have handled this in a way that would have made you happy and not feeling like you want to end the relationship? What could his daughter have done that would have kept you happy?

I mean it’s how I would show backbone as a woman so why not as a man? I wouldn’t be rail-roading my daughter into a decision: that’s the point - the decisions were already made a long time ago. I would be alleviating any stress for her about ultimatums by making it clear they shouldn’t be made, and that her maternal relatives should behave themselves and be there!

Imagine you lost your wife, and after a very decent amount of time you moved on to a new relationship, you are about to celebrate an extremely happy event for the daughter you have been raising alone since your wife’s death. Now someone has decided to put a cloud over that to put it mildly. You can have the conversation calmly but you would be rightfully furious and should not give in to this behaviour.

Perhaps the Aunt can’t bear the idea of her sister never seeing her daughter walk up
the aisle, should she never get married too? I know there are a lot of emotions here but it sounds like she needs to be told by someone other than an emotional and stressed bride that she’s being extremely unreasonable and that she needs to suck it up.

They're dating albeit for a long time but still only dating. They don't live together. They don't share finances. They don't have children together.

I think in this instance it's fair game for people to say throw him back, and that the relationship hasn't got legs.

It's not drama for people to put forward how they'd feel or react in a similar situation. It's just their perspective.

The OP is at a point where she gets to decide what she wants from a long term relationship and there's been a range of views from people saying how they might feel in similar circumstances.

LTB becomes problematic for me when people don't consider the wider consequences e.g when someone says LTB because their husband of 10yrs swore or made a distasteful joke - at a time when they've just bought a new house and have a newborn baby and a toddler.

But not in this instance.

That's not to say the OP needs to take that advice but it's fair for someone to say - i couldn't commit to someone (or a family) who treated me like this.

Yep and she says 'well I hear all that but I just cant see her there at the wedding and so wont be coming if she is there'

And the bride wants her aunt there.

Then what?

The whole situation is appalling, it’s not like your OH left his wife for you. The relatives protesting are being ridiculous and the rest of the family should tell them that (I presume the aunt or uncle were her mum’s sibling?). And for it all to happen at the last minute is awful.

Before you end your relationship I would look at your OH’s response to this. I can understand that he and his daughter are feeling backed into a corner and would be very grateful if you step back gracefully. However he should be showing you that he is sorry. He should write to the ‘protestors’ and tell them their behaviour was awful and that they took the shine off his daughter’s day and had hurt an innocent party they had never even met. He should also be making amends to you and making you feel special.

I’m so sorry, but for the daughter’s sake I’m glad you didn’t make a scene. Your own wedding can be so quickly soured and her mum’s family have already done that. It’s so nice that you haven’t. X

Your partner is a prick. How dare he 'feel torn or uncomfortable'? He should have your back. Ditch him. He will soon regret being such an arse over a wedding.

And by the way the poster I was replying to specifically stated it would be in an aggressive way 'give them a piece of my mind' and 'take charge' of his daughters wedding. Thats not his remit.