Partner has told me today that I cannot go to his daughter’s wedding on Saturday

[Oscarcleo]

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. He’s a widow - wife died 9 years ago and he’s brought up only daughter on his own ever since. I’ve met daughter ( we get on), groom, groom’s family, friends etc who’ll all be at the wedding. Wife’s relatives live a long way away and about 30 of them will be travelling to the wedding. As they live a long way away I haven’t met them yet.
Apparently yesterday evening some of the relatives told my partner/bride that they don’t want me at the wedding as wife isn’t there. It’s really upset my partner/ bride and I’m utterly distraught at this stage to be told I can’t go. It’s a big wedding that’s been planned for 18 months. I have been very careful to not be replacing wife’ s position at the wedding- agreed to not sit with him for ceremony or at the reception.
We’re really happy together but after this I’m not sure I can carry on with the relationship as it will be always hanging over us that I was banned from the wedding. AIBU? Any words of wisdom to help me get through this?

This^.

I think she’s doing the right thing by not going to the wedding or reacting publicly to the hurt but she certainly needs to think about future implications.

Thinking of you today OP. It will be a difficult one. Seems so crazy that this aunt/uncle have only raised the issue of you being there at the last minute, and honestly, it's 9 years since the brides mum died. Shame on them for not allowing your DP to move on. I thought your compromise of only attending the evening bit was very generous in the circumstances and they won't even accept that!

On the flip side, I can see that this has put your DP in an extremely awkward position as his DD will of course want these relatives to be present. They may live a way away but I assume one of them is sister or brother to the deceased mum? Although you see your DP daily, you are technically "just a girlfriend" as you don't live together and aren't engaged, so I can see why others may view it as a more casual relationship, even after 5 years. I don't think your DP could win in this situation.

I think some many.posters just see the step mother word say she's Maleficent and irrationally shriek,make up shit and go scream at the Sistene!

Although I think the relatives are in the wrong to make the demands, it's unfair to label them a "random aunt and uncle". I would assume one of them is the sibling of the deceased mum.

And the bride is not her step daughter. OP doesn't even live with her DP, and bride had moved away for uni when OP and DP started dating, so doesn't need mothering.

I don’t know why aunt/uncle have done this (unresolved grief/malice) and it’s crap for OP. There’s a statement that partner and bride are both upset. The poor bride has had her ‘happy day’ pulled out from under her. Her wedding memories are always going to be tainted no matter what she does. It’s such a shitty self-serving thing for aunt/uncle to do.

Do you think it’s EVER worth reading the OPs posts, only two of them? No one attending has buried a child, not that it would’ve made it right.

Ny DS husband died aged 31, she had a small DD. She went on to marry again, if her ILs had if made unreasonable demands like this, they would’ve been told that they were being unreasonable. Instead they were pleased that she’d found happiness again. Her remarrying was not a slur to her late DH, who is always remembered.

I am sorry op but your step daughter is using this as an excuse. It’s perfectly possible for her to tell said uncle and aunt that you will be coming regardless, and they have the option to stay at home,

Your dp is not standing by you, and I suspect the strong relationships you think you have/had are not what you thought they were I am sorry to say.

It would be over for me, because this spells out exactly how little they think of you, and it is so hurtful. I hope you have real life support today op.

There are no grandparents here - so the ‘burying your child’ narrative doesn’t apply. This is an aunt and uncle who are objecting to OP not only being at the wedding itself, but at the evening celebration. The objection was raised two days before the wedding in the full knowledge/hope that it will cause a rift - and l think that’s the objective to be honest. After nine years l would expect family to behave like adults and realise that people move on. So let’s call it out for what it really is. It’s petty, childish and spiteful, and designed to cause maximum damage.

The bride and your partner are a pair of spineless twats.

If the bride gets on with you and is happy to have you there, then your partner’s former in laws should have no say. Who do they think they are?

grief is an awful thing, but you are in no way connected to their loss or the previous relationship coming to an end.

I would end the relationship on principle, being told
not to attend the wedding is a huge slap in the face. They can’t have much respect for you to allow this to happen.

OP, I hope you have a lovely day today.
forget all about them.

Hopefully, some friend or relative of the aunt/uncle reads and recognizes this thread and can tell them that using their dead sister as an excuse to (a) be awful to someone they don’t know, (b) put a bride in a shitty position (c) try to break up a relationship of a widower 9 years later makes them a truly rancid and nasty person. This is absolutely not about grief, it’s about a sense of entitlement and being a user.

I don’t know whether I would end the relationship totally, but I would definitely feel extremely insulted, and would be keeping my distance until he truly understood.

How much time have you actually spent with this young woman? I agree, the bride’s aunt and uncle are putting her in an awkward position but is the OP and other posters really expecting the partner to start issuing ultimatums?

I understand it must be hurtful but in the circumstances I think most people would prioritise their dead mother’s brother and sister, over their dads partner who he doesn’t live with and who they see infrequently. The OP says they were involved with the planning but gives their partner accompanying them to buy an outfit as the only example.

Can you not think how distressing this must be for the bride and your partner? All I read in your posts is me, me, me me! If you want to make this single episode the determining factor for your future relationship, then maybe you don’t care for your partner and his daughter as much as you think you do.

Yeah, honestly I'd be re-evaluating the relationship too. I think this is a case of everybody sucks here. Mostly, the aunt and uncle suck for having a tantrum, but the bride also sucks for not standing up for her father's right to a life after sadly losing his wife. And OP's partner sucks for going along with it, but I guess as it's his daughter's wedding he can't do much else. But I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where I've been shown very clearly that my feelings don't matter. I could understand not being invited in the first place, but being uninvited is horrible. I don't agree with people who say that because the bride sadly lost her mum, it's ok for OP to be collateral. Yes, it is the bride's decision, and has to be respected, but as we do often see with weddings on here, those decisions don't take place in a vacuum and it is very very difficult to recover your relationship with somebody after uninviting them from your wedding because their mere presence offends someone!

This does not bode well for the future - what about other family events, is OP banned from those forever too because nobody will stand up to the aunt and uncle, who seem to think people are not allowed to move on even after 9 years and are allowed to demand things be their way in this manner?

Has anyone called them out as to why they object?

This is appalling, so sorry you have been put through this and that your partner / his daughter have allowed it to happen.

I didn’t say she’s the step-mother. I called DSD that because it’s shorter.

The bride's mum died 9 years ago! She should never let her aunt and uncle dictate her wedding, and she should absolutely prioritise her dad's happiness over any other relatives.

I'm in a similar situation. My dad passed away 4 years ago, I'm getting married soon. I am definitely inviting my mum's new partner. I don't personally like him but he makes her happy. The parent who has been widowed should absolutely be prioritised over other relatives, especially ones using blackmail and threats.

It shouldn't even be a question. If my aunts and uncles (who I am very close to) said anything similar, I'd point blank refuse to pander to them. My mum's happiness comes first.

Can you not think how distressing this must be for the bride and your partner? All I read in your posts is me, me, me me! If you want to make this single episode the determining factor for your future relationship, then maybe you don’t care for your partner and his daughter as much as you think you do.

The "me, me, me" ones are the aunt and uncle making these demands of their niece. Truly horrid of them to do that, and very manipulative - likely it's what the aunt and uncle want to cause problems for the new relationship, and they've succeeded. As much as it would be unfair to suggest the bride should choose OP over her dead mum's relatives, it's also unfair to expect OP not to have any feelings about being uninvited from this wedding. That doesn't make her selfish.

Here’s what I would expect your partner to do. A bit late now, but he should have got in touch with the Aunt - his SIL - and given a piece of his mind about the unfair pressure and blackmail of his daughter for a start. That of course you are not there as the bride’s mother but as his partner of 5 years, who he has every right to bring, and that if she has any respect at all for her late sister’s memory then she will be at her niece’s wedding without conditions and had better not spoil her niece’s big day. In the same situation I might even add that her sister would have been disgusted with her too!

He should then tell daughter it’s all sorted so they can all crack on, no stress to her or decision about revoking invitations because he’s taken charge of the situation. He should be completely furious about them interfering in this way.

Maybe it's not about blaming the partner but deciding you don't want to be around this kind of situation and being made to feel an outsider in your partners life. It may pop up again in the future. Who wants to live like that ? And to some degree you've seen all of their true colours. Op isnt relevant to her partner, I'm sorry she's not, and that doesn't mean it's his fault because he has to suppprt his daughter as well but doesn't mean o0 has to accept that either.

That’s really sad. My (maternal) grandparents felt uncomfortable when my brother got married because dad was with his new wife (mum had died years beforehand). There was never any mention of them not going - they just didn’t particularly want to meet the new wife (which everyone respected and we had the best time!).
I would say that, sadly, you are not thought of as part of the family and won’t be until older relatives pass away, but that’s no way to live your life. I would not be seeing dp again.

Them: The aunt and uncle have been appalling for behaving like this. Immature, selfish and demanding. They are, in fact, the assholes here.

Her: Getting married is stress on steroids and a (I assume) young woman may simply not have the confidence yet to stand up to elder relatives' demands. Sadly she's not able yet to assert herself.

Assuming she did actually want you there in the first place, of course - this may have exposed an issue you might not have realised exists and will become an elephant in the room if your relationship continues.

But the pressure of having to appease mum's family (whom she's known all her life and are tied up with memories of mum) or they don't turn up may have been overwhelming so close to the event.

It's her decision.

Him: Being the father of the bride is HUGE and going along with whatever she decides was his only option. And if she refused to change her mind, that's her choice.

It could impact on his relationship with her and his family if he'd refused to go, or put his foot down and demanded you be included, or simply presents you as a fait accompli plus one on the day.

Where he appears to have been an emotional wet lettuce is in how it seems he's behaved towards you. We weren't there of course but it does seem that he failed to empathise, be understanding, considerate etc towards how you're feeling. My mother's late partner was like that - his life was conducted in a series of boxes and she wasn't included in them all.

That for me is the issue.

You: Being sullen, resentful, silent treatment, snotty messages, turning phone off, getting wound up, having a row isn't the answer.

So wish the bride a happy day, send congratulations to the groom and plan a nice you-day.

Leave your phone on - see if your DP bothers to keep in contact.

Compose a careful, calm and civilised conversation with him when you next meet over exactly how this has made you feel. Tell him it's important in any relationship that both can express how they feel and how the others behaviour has affected them. Hard, but stay cool and relaxed so he doesn't have anything to react to. And observe his behaviour and response.

Because this is going to be a trailer for exactly how your life (and your position in his) will be together.

This.
I would take this as a warning for future occurrences of life. If his daughter had children, would you be excluded from their birthday parties, school events etc...

This is awful behaviour by them. They don’t get to dictate. Was he meant to live on his own for the rest of his days? you married well after she died and I’m sure she is kept ‘alive’ in so many ways. As a widow myself who married 4 years after my fiance died I think they are being totally out of line. I could go on but I think you know what I’m saying. DP needs to put his foot down because they’ve got no consideration for the feelings of your SD and what she wants and has been through in the past.

I also think the bride should be adult enough to apologise to both her dad and OP for the hurt caused by having to exclude her at the last minute. It would go a long way I would imagine to show some consideration for OP's feelings and apologise directly rather than do all the messaging through her father.

Even if we can't necessarily change a decision we have made, didn't intend to hurt someone else, or were in an impossible bind where at least one party would be hurt no matter what we did, we can still apologise for the impact on others, and if I was this young woman's parent, I'd be suggesting to her that she needed to do that.

The aunt, uncle, bride and partner sound absolutely awful.

The mother has been dead for nine years, OP has been with her partner for five years, they need to get a grip.

I'd be dumping the partner if I were OP.

OP was involved with planning the wedding with the bride so it cannot be said that they barely know each other. And uninviting her two days before the wedding is just down right nasty and cruel. I understand the bride and DP were put in a very differcult position but DP chose not support OP. It not a relationship I would want to continue with.