Partner has told me today that I cannot go to his daughter’s wedding on Saturday

[Oscarcleo]

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. He’s a widow - wife died 9 years ago and he’s brought up only daughter on his own ever since. I’ve met daughter ( we get on), groom, groom’s family, friends etc who’ll all be at the wedding. Wife’s relatives live a long way away and about 30 of them will be travelling to the wedding. As they live a long way away I haven’t met them yet.
Apparently yesterday evening some of the relatives told my partner/bride that they don’t want me at the wedding as wife isn’t there. It’s really upset my partner/ bride and I’m utterly distraught at this stage to be told I can’t go. It’s a big wedding that’s been planned for 18 months. I have been very careful to not be replacing wife’ s position at the wedding- agreed to not sit with him for ceremony or at the reception.
We’re really happy together but after this I’m not sure I can carry on with the relationship as it will be always hanging over us that I was banned from the wedding. AIBU? Any words of wisdom to help me get through this?

Get rid of him! You deserve better.

I think the family members need to accept that it's been nearly a decade and you're now a key part of DP's life. I'd understand more if it was a new relationship but you've been together five years.

I feel like in that situation I'd be saying "sorry, this is my partner and one of the two most important women in my life. She's part of my family". And whilst you're being respectful about not trying to step into the shoes of ex-w you're also part of your DP's daughter's life and as above part of the family.

I've just read that it's upset the bride too. Frankly, it's her wedding and if they don't like it they can do one. It's not their day.

No chance in hell I’d pander to the aunt and uncle.

And I also agree with the posters saying it's unfair on the bride. She no doubt spends a lot more time around her dad's partner than these relatives and it puts her between a rock and a hard place - have tension at her wedding or risk upsetting the woman who could be her future step mum. It's the last thing you need to be worrying about the day before getting married!

I disagree. You don't base your relationship with your partner on your relationship with their children. Although it's obv not ideal plenty of people don't have perfect relationships with their SC or partner's kids.

I'd have expected my partner to have made it very clear he wanted me there but it's ultimately not down to him. I think it's a case of shooting the messenger here tbh.

It's the bride I feel sorry for, sounds like she is marrying into a nest of vipers.

It's her family that are the issue, not the groom's.

That would be an awful thing to do. The bride is stuck between her late mother’s closest relatives and her dad’s girlfriend. Obviously the aunt and uncle are in the wrong, but that doesn’t mean that OP should become even worse than them.

No. The op says she has 'met' the bride. The bride had no objection to the op coming, until she knew that would be at the expense of her late mother's family, who will understandably feel the absence of her mother acutely.It's been 9 years-yes, but do you think you EVER can get over burying your child? On a special day like Saturday the pain will be as raw as if it happened yesterday.
The OP needs to stop throwing her toys out of the pram ( all this talk of ending the relationship). It is not all about her, it is about accomodating the wishes of parents who have experienced their worst nightmare. I hope the op never gets to experience this to understand how insignificant feeling slighted is in comparison.

Of course you don't, but I know someone who went to a wedding 7 days after burying their child and dealt with it. It's going to hurt every time there's something that the mother won't be at (wait till the first child is born for bittersweet!).

Agree. It's been years since he was widowed and the daughter lost her mum. You've been his partner for years. Partner and his daughter should be fully on your side and stopping this nonsense but they are pandering to wider family. I would be very hurt also and reconsidering everything going forwards. It's been long enough, you should be inner circle.

Bollocks. It's about the bride not the extended family. It's her wedding.

And who are the parents who have lost a child? OP has already said there are no grandparents involved. I maintain that it's shitty of her aunt and uncle to drop this two days before the wedding and try and emotionally blackmail the bride to uninvite somebody she wants there who is probably a bigger part of her life than they are.

No doubt the bride doesn't want them to boycott the wedding because were her mum still alive all the relatives would be there. But it's not the relatives who should be running the show and imposing last minute ultimatums on the bride and her father at an already stressful time.

How will the bride feel if her dad ends up losing his partner over her wedding?

God, what an awful situation. I really feel for the bride - she might have been seeing this aunt and uncle as representing her mum somewhat as the remaining blood relations, and probably has lots of memories of her mum linked to them. She then feels like she’s being forced to choose between her mum’s remaining family and her dad’s new (or not so new!) partner. This is definitely their bad, but she is suffering either way as a result.

In terms of your partner, it’s not up to him if his daughter makes the difficult decision to keep them happy at your expense, but I would at least have expected him to pull them aside (without his daughter being there) and explain to them how distressing this would be to their niece on her wedding day, when she’s already missing her mum, and ask them to put her feelings above their own. Has he done this at least? If he’s choosing to throw you under the bus rather than have that difficult conversation with them then that would be an issue for me - at least to address further after the wedding.

It's very mean of Aunt and Uncle and difficult for you, Op.
Your partner and his daughter don't want to upset DD's Mum's sister as DD dearly wants them there for this day.

You've done the only thing you can, Op. Your partner is correct in keeping his daughter's wedding calm, given that the main objective is DD's Mum's family being there.

Be with your partner at the wedding car to pick up his daughter before the wedding.
Wish his daughter well there. Tell them both to have a brilliant celebration, that you'd love to share the occasion but you understand and will go to a spa/lovely retreat and think of them.

There is no point in making the day more stressful for the bride and her Dad.

After the event ... make it clear that from now on you will not be invisible for any other family occasions. Ask your partner what he truly sees for your future together.
Is he fearful to commit? Would it be better to marry? You could keep your finances separate like now and sign sensible pre nups. Would it be better to split up?

From now on, it will be easier to involve you in all family celebrations. Your partner should promise to always side with you now and be prepared to offend his late wife's family. (Nothing can now upset his daughter's wedding.

are these imaginary parents in the room with us? It’s an aunt and uncle, it’s not the dead woman’s husband or her daughter the bride. It was years ago and it might hurt but it’s incredibly selfish of them to make this bereaved young woman’s wedding about them.

What a horrendous situation for you and for the bride. The aunt and uncle are being unbelievably selfish.

I think the bride has been put in an impossible situation. She presumably doesn't want to upset or lose contact with the only people who can tell her about her mum's childhood etc. Please don't feel angry with her.

Your partner is also being put in a difficult position. He needs to support his daughter on her wedding day. Has he tried to talk to his SIL and BIL?

There are no parents attending who have lost a child. The people objecting to OP's presence at the wedding are the bride's aunt and uncle, so the brother or sister of the brides deceased mother.

Before any of this happened, OP has said that:

'I have been very careful to not be replacing wife’ s position at the wedding- agreed to not sit with him for ceremony or at the reception.'

Therefore, she was already being very respectful of any relatives of her partner's late wife and certainly wasn't taking the place of the bride's mother in any way. These relatives have even banned her from the evening do of 150 people. Her presence as just a guest, not part of the wedding party, would have absolutely no impact on this toxic couple.

i would tell your other half this is a deal breaker. if he can’t put you first now then it will be over for you. if it was the bride not wanting you there i would take a totally different stance but it’s people that live miles away that don’t have a deep relationship with his daughter

Sending you unmumsnetty hugs today @Oscarcleo.
What a shitty day, you must be so torn as to whether acknowledge and send best wishes and risk the abysmal aunt and ungainly ungainly uncle kicking off and saying you're.intruding, do nothing and you're spiteful.

So what is it you want OP to do? She’s been given the message she’s not important.

Why is it always that the step-mum figure has to accept whatever shit is thrown at her but if she takes a step back and doesn’t give presents, she’s labelled worse than everyone else?

@Oscarcleo just get through the day today, deal with everything else tomorrow.

I totally agree, my parents happiness comes way before my aunts and uncles.

Why don’t you actually RTFT and stop using emotive ‘bury a child’ language? There are no grandparents. This is a random aunt and uncle who live far away from DSD.

I'm really sorry this has happened and at such short notice. Your feelings are valid, rejection is a horrible feeling and you must feel really betrayed.

Unless there is other problems in your relationship where your partner has form for not supporting you I would wait until you make any decisions about ending the relationship. The Aunt and Uncle are in the wrong here and have put the daughter in a terrible position and are actually blackmailing her, I don't see how any of this is your partners fault, it's ultimately the Bride and Grooms decision, they both sound upset with the situation.

There has been some very bitter suggestions on here.

Please don't contact the bride, it will only make her feel worse and ruin her day.

If you choose to stay with your partner please don't cut her out/ not give her a gift, this is petty and makes it all about you.

I hope you have planned something lovely for today and you have friends you can lean on. 💐

It’s the Brides aunt and uncle so her mothers sister or brother. Bride has been put in a terrible position and is effectively being blackmailed, I'm not sure what partner could do except express his feelings about the situation.

I know this is mumsnet so people will be desperate for some drama or conspiracy and will shout out the inevitable LTB! he's a man after all, but this is peoples real lives, with real complex relationships and feelings, not Eastenders.