Partner has told me today that I cannot go to his daughter’s wedding on Saturday

[Oscarcleo]

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. He’s a widow - wife died 9 years ago and he’s brought up only daughter on his own ever since. I’ve met daughter ( we get on), groom, groom’s family, friends etc who’ll all be at the wedding. Wife’s relatives live a long way away and about 30 of them will be travelling to the wedding. As they live a long way away I haven’t met them yet.
Apparently yesterday evening some of the relatives told my partner/bride that they don’t want me at the wedding as wife isn’t there. It’s really upset my partner/ bride and I’m utterly distraught at this stage to be told I can’t go. It’s a big wedding that’s been planned for 18 months. I have been very careful to not be replacing wife’ s position at the wedding- agreed to not sit with him for ceremony or at the reception.
We’re really happy together but after this I’m not sure I can carry on with the relationship as it will be always hanging over us that I was banned from the wedding. AIBU? Any words of wisdom to help me get through this?

Op, that is rubbish. You are right to reevaluate this relationship x

@soupyspoon I know, I feel sorry for the bride.

That’s one great thing about middle age, telling other people to get stuffed is so much easier. 🤣

The only option really is for the bride to talk with her aunts. The ball is really in her court. OP's partner can't do anything, sadly. If any blame should be placed (apart from on the selfish demanding aunts/uncles), it should be on the bride. Not the partner. None of this is his doing. None of this is his decision. He can't do jack shit about any of this, and we all know it. He's in an impossible position.

The bride is the one who can made the decision. Blaming him is highly unfair unless your end point is to say he should refuse to attend his own daughter's wedding and choose OP over his own daughter. No one in real life would advocate that.

Surely it MUST be up to the bride and , less so , your partner. It's their decision and they should tell relatives in no uncertain terms. For the relatives to be calling the shots is the cart pulling the horse...

Is there some backstory here ,cos none of this sounds right.

Their behaviour is utterly disgusting and you are quite justified in your devastation
I’ m afraid I’d be questioning your relationship . Your partner and his daughter have put others above your feelings, these are people that you haven’t met so not that close !
I’s unforgivable and I would be walking away

I would start detaching from him, no drama, no further words, just start moving on. If he is going to pander to some unreasonable relatives’ request, which offend him and his partner of 5 years… he simply doesn’t have a spine or at least your back.

He has so much power as the father of the bride… a word to his daughter / relatives saying he feels his partner is being disrespected should suffice to bring some balance but, nope, he is ok with it.

If it is the aunt and uncle not wanting the OP there and not the daughter using them as an out....then they are not nice people and being very spiteful.

if they cared about their niece they would 100% not be asking this of her …and making threats….

It is very mean to pull the rug from under OP so late in the day when she’s got her outfit and been involved…I’d be hurt by this …don’t do anything rash OP but I’d think on and how it may play out …what if there is a christening in the future would you be excluded from that …

Familes can be a minefield 🙄

Exactly this - ball is in their court entirely.

Disgruntled family - the bride phones her dad to get advice on what to do (she wants to do the best but has a million other things on her mind). Dad says let’s keep the peace and I’ll have a word with my dp (the op) . The op should possibly think that she’s thought more of the relationship than her dp. What to do? Keep things at arms length and think it over.

This

Why is he pandering to this lot? They are being totally ridiculous and unreasonable. Their loved one is long dead and you’re his current partner it’s hardly like you’re the OW

If he can’t stick up for you with this he won’t have your back on anything I fear. I’d end it.

None of this is his doing. None of this is his decision. He can't do jack shit about any of this, and we all know it. He's in an impossible position.
The bride is the one who can made the decision. Blaming him is highly unfair unless your end point is to say he should refuse to attend his own daughter's wedding and choose OP over his own daughter. No one in real life would advocate that.

He has ZERO power. What do you expect him to do? None of this is his doing. None of this is his decision. He can't do jack shit about any of this, and we all know it. He's in an impossible position.
The bride is the one who can made the decision. Blaming him is highly unfair unless your end point is to say he should refuse to attend his own daughter's wedding and choose OP over his own daughter. No one in real life would advocate that.

I read that the Aunt and Uncle (who the daughter wants to be at the wedding) have threatened to boycott it if the OP is there...yes I KNOW, how is it possible to be so petty minded and unreasonable over something soooo irrelevant? 🙄
The bride's Mum is dead, it's not as though she and her husband are divorced with bad feeling or anything like that so WTAF does it matter if the Dad's long term 'new' partner is at the wedding?! 🤔
They're obviously mean spirited and small minded and don't care how much hurt and upset they cause as long as they get their childish way!!! Grrrrr!!!

As I've asked before on here, what do you think the DP should actually do? Just suppose he demands that OP goes. But his daughter - who doesn't even really know OP or have a relationship with OP - sides with her mother's family. Which is only natural and to be expected (I would be surprised if she uninvited her own aunt and uncles, for someone she doesn't even have a relationship with!!). Then what? Are you all expecting the bride's father to choose between his daughter and OP?

Ooh, that’s difficult.
Your DP doesn’t have much choice though, it’s up to the bride and she wants her aunt and uncle there which is understandable. It’s the aunt and uncle who are behaving badly, and you are doing the right thing by bowing out.
I wouldn’t throw an otherwise good relationship away over this. Just distance yourself from the rest of the family.

I wonder whether this aunt and uncle played a big part in the bride's life since her mum died.

Their reaction to insist that OP is banned from all parts of the wedding is extreme, particularly as the bride's mum died nine years ago and OP wasn't the 'other woman' at any point.

Their threat to boycott the wedding if OP attends is the behaviour of horrible people. I assume that the bride is doing what they say because they may be the last family link to her late mother and she probably doesn't want to lose them completely.

Actually grow a spine and have said to the daughter and relative she was coming and that’s the end of it?

My dad wouldn’t have tolerated this shite if I’d tried it on 2 days before my wedding

But if he won’t grow a backbone - then game over on the relationship

Yes of course it’s sad her mum’s dead my husband and his brother and sister were in the same position when they got married. She’s hardly the only person in the world to have to get married without her mum. Widowed family members are allowed to move on.

How awful for you, I’m sorry how this has ended up.
I would be reevaluating the relationship as well. I don’t expect your partner to have much authority or experience influence here , but I’m staggered the bride is being manipulated so close to the wedding and is going along with it. Whether she wants the aunt and uncle there are not she should not be getting manipulated to. Whatever your decision with your relationship, I hope the bride eventually in the future looks back on this and feels shameful.

No, the OP said that her DP helped her choose her outfit. She doesn’t live with her partner, and has met the daughter/bride, but the daughter had already left for university when OP started dating her father.

So the bride may know, and get on with, OP, but her relationship isn’t more than that of a girlfriend. I’m imagining that the aunt and uncle are, perhaps, the bride’s deceased mother’s sister or brother?

It’s not kind, and not fair, but the person it’s most unfair on is the bride, tbh. I don’t think it’s worth ending a relationship over.

I’m sorry to hear your update but I wouldn’t go even if I could at this point. The damage and hurt has been done as the bride could have told them to stop being ridiculous.

Actually grow a spine and have said to the daughter and relative she was coming and that’s the end of it?

Oh yeah, that talk is easy and cheap. Then they get a phone call that her mother's side of the family isn't coming.

What do you expect him to do then?

And it would be your wedding. Not your father's wedding. So not his call and none of his business.

Does the bride even have a significant relationship with this uncle and aunt, or are they just throwing their weight around at this wedding? OP, I don't blame you for being so upset. The bride and your DP are both being completely spineless.

He can say “I will be at the ceremony but may live shortly afterwards as this is disrespectful to me and my partner.”

He cannot see his partner getting prepared for the wedding and then just ignore her as if her feelings didn’t matter.

Brides are brides not fucking inconsiderate toddlers. A wedding is a family and friends celebration, both dad and bride are agreeing to hurt someone when they both know the relatives are stupidly selfish , or do you think it is nice to expect a widower to die alone to honour his late wife? Who the hell do they think they are?

And most importantly… who do you think is going to provide care and company to this man when the bride gets so busy with her own life??? Just for that alone she should be more considerate. And just for that alone, I wouldn’t entertain being dismissed by that pair and wasting my life supporting them.

Leave Op, they have shown how much they value you. Both of them.

Why are the family being so horrible?
And why isn’t your husband and his daughter sticking up for you?

i would tell you bride you’d love to be there, but that you respect her decision either way. I don’t see anything being gained from making a big deal of this however much I understand how disappointed you are and how wrong it is.