Partner has told me today that I cannot go to his daughter’s wedding on Saturday

[Oscarcleo]

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. He’s a widow - wife died 9 years ago and he’s brought up only daughter on his own ever since. I’ve met daughter ( we get on), groom, groom’s family, friends etc who’ll all be at the wedding. Wife’s relatives live a long way away and about 30 of them will be travelling to the wedding. As they live a long way away I haven’t met them yet.
Apparently yesterday evening some of the relatives told my partner/bride that they don’t want me at the wedding as wife isn’t there. It’s really upset my partner/ bride and I’m utterly distraught at this stage to be told I can’t go. It’s a big wedding that’s been planned for 18 months. I have been very careful to not be replacing wife’ s position at the wedding- agreed to not sit with him for ceremony or at the reception.
We’re really happy together but after this I’m not sure I can carry on with the relationship as it will be always hanging over us that I was banned from the wedding. AIBU? Any words of wisdom to help me get through this?

Well she’s not going is she, so obviously he didn’t support her. It’s not infantilisation to expect those involved to recognise and not engage with nasty spiteful blackmail. These relatives have had from whenever they first had the wedding invitations to decide - why did they leave it until the last minute ? Because it presented a fait accompli - too late to do anything but agree. My response as the bride would have been that they don’t get to dictate to me who does and doesn’t attend my wedding. If they don’t like the guest list they don’t have to attend. And where is her loyalty to her father ? He’s now going to the wedding alone. Clearly no-one has spared a second thought as to how he might feel.

I’d rather that than people thinking they can get away with acting like cunts for no
good reason 2 days before a wedding. If they’d be so petty as not to come just because my dad’s partner was coming, they’re not the kind of people I’d want to associate with anyway. Family or not, sad backstory or not, I don’t pander to arseholes.

"“I will be at the ceremony but may live shortly afterwards"

Only a pathetic excuse of a father would say that. Any father (or mother) worth a damn will always choose their child over a partner. Always.

Edit: as for care, we don't even know that OP and the her partner will even last the distance. So there is no guarantee OP will be there to look after him.

It wasn’t the bride that has an issue with her going. It’s the bride’s aunt and uncle.

You say that it's upset your partner and the bride, so obviously they want you there. Why do the Brides mum's side of the family think they have any right to dictate who goes to the wedding. The bride needs to tell them to back off, it's her wedding and she decides who can and can't attend and if they're not careful they'll be the ones told that they aren't wanted there.

so obviously he didn’t support her.

Again, it's the bride's decision. Where is the proof her partner didn't support her? He clearly did! But there is nothing...he....can....do.

That's your choice. But most of us would choose not to cut off our deceased mother's side of the family for a dad's girlfriend. Most of us would choose our family, over a girlfriend.

What a shame the bride has felt pressured to do this due to family.

i too would be rethinking in my future in this relationship, what about future family events, will you be excluded from everything, eg birthday parties, new baby being born, christenings, anniversary celebrations?

would the aunt and uncle have expected mum to be on her own forever if it had been dad that had passed away? I think not! Why can’t they all just be happy that dad is happy, you could have gone to the wedding, you don’t have to take centre stage like the brides mum would have. I think it’s ridiculous!
not what I’d call family.

Most people would choose their parents happiness than their aunt and uncles!

As far as I can see, the OP hasn't said one way or another whether her partner tried to stand up for her. For all we know, he might have tried to argue with them and fight her corner, but the OP hasn't shared that information.

He can put his point across and tell his daughter/former in laws that his partner should attend but if his daughter decides to side with her aunt and uncle, then there's little he can do.

OP, I think you need to take the high ground on this. The bride is probably quite emotional anyway because weddings are always hectic, her mum won't be there tomorrow and now her shitty relatives (who are the link to her mum) have thrown a spanner in the works at the last minute. I'd text her and tell her you will bow out which takes the decision off her shoulders (and shows up the shitty relatives even more) and so she won't be feeling rubbish about the whole situation tomorrow, which is supposed to be one of the best days of her life. She'll remember forever that you made her life easier on what could have become a difficult day.

I wouldn't end your relationship over your partner and his daughter being in an impossible position unless there's a backstory. It's a cliché but tomorrow really should be about her.

You can do something really special with her and her husband on a different day.

i don't think its fair to take it our on partner or make the bride choose between the relatives she shares with deceased parent or her fathers partner. yes its a shit situation and the aunt uncle are out of order. but the poor girl is between a rock and a hard place, the enhanced feeling of loss with her mum missing this milestone.

It would be just as wrong for DP to put pressure on her to invite you as it is for her relatives. He can tell her its not fair or right but he cant (and shouldn't) force her to choose you over her relatives.

I thought that - the part was completely ridiculous to start with, even before the horrible relatives started up.

How on earth did that happen OP? That alone is more than enough to revaluate your relationship. Did the daughter suggest this?! Your DP? There is something rather telling there, that was the first opportunity that your DP had to put his foot down but he didn’t. It was also your opportunity to say “This is ridiculous, I’m out”, but you didn’t. Then it escalated even further..

My DD is getting married soon . Thankfully we are all mature and get on but I can imagine that if one of the guests started to make demands about who should and shouldn’t attend her wedding - especially if it was the long term partner of her DF she’d tell them where to get off and if she didn’t her DF would be having a quite word with those making the demands
I understand that ultimately the Bride makes those decisions but I’d imagine shed respect her DF wishes if he had made them clear .

What hideous people the aunt /uncle are!
In a room of 150 people their hearts are so shrivelled that they cannot bear to see a woman who has brought happiness to a man after the tragedy of losing his wife.
I cannot imagine your partner will really enjoy the wedding on his own and no doubt there will be people enquiring as to where you are.
The really important time will be the aftermath. Will he, and his daughter, realise how heinous their behaviour has been? Or will they try to brush things under the carpet?
In the meantime, I hope you can prioritise your own self care. Turn your phone off for as long as you need to and look after yourself.

They don't live together and are self sufficient! 🙄

I suspect she would be made welcome when shes needed for childcare

Except these are her flesh and blood family, her last remaining link to her deceased mother.

And she has barely even met OP and has no relationship with her. It's a no brainer she will choose the only family she actually has.

She waited until two days before the wedding and after the OP had bought an outfut.

I think the OP should invoice the family for her outfit if she can't return it.

I also think the relatives are being petty.

What a pair of arseholes.

I feel for your partner here, is he not allowed to move on and find happiness in another relationship? Is he supposed to stay on mourning forever?

I wouldn’t blame the bride here. She’s young and has a lot on her plate and is probably really missing having her mum around for her wedding.

I think that’s a lovely idea.

to suggest a father leaves his daughters wedding (whose mother is dead) shouldn't go or leave after the ceremony because his girlfriend isn't invited is the height of fantasy.

everyone is talking all this fake bolshy big bollocks but most people especially british ones are not this big chested aggro in real life. half the threads on here consider asking a neighbour to turn down the music as the most terrifying thing that requires a 15 page coaching on MN.

but everyone would apparently skip out on their daughters wedding and tell her relatives to do one...sure.

What absolutely horrendous people they are OP. I can’t get over how utterly controlling and spiteful they seem.

I’m so sorry you’ve been treated so shoddily!

So it's the mother's sister (or possibly brother)? I'm so sorry for you as you're obviously well aware that you are not mother-of-the-bride and not trying to be. I'm sorry for your DP as well, and the bride, although she's the one who has capitulated to this blackmail. Of course people who have died are sadly missed at a wedding but it's been 9 years.

👏👏👏