Partner has told me today that I cannot go to his daughter’s wedding on Saturday

[Oscarcleo]

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. He’s a widow - wife died 9 years ago and he’s brought up only daughter on his own ever since. I’ve met daughter ( we get on), groom, groom’s family, friends etc who’ll all be at the wedding. Wife’s relatives live a long way away and about 30 of them will be travelling to the wedding. As they live a long way away I haven’t met them yet.
Apparently yesterday evening some of the relatives told my partner/bride that they don’t want me at the wedding as wife isn’t there. It’s really upset my partner/ bride and I’m utterly distraught at this stage to be told I can’t go. It’s a big wedding that’s been planned for 18 months. I have been very careful to not be replacing wife’ s position at the wedding- agreed to not sit with him for ceremony or at the reception.
We’re really happy together but after this I’m not sure I can carry on with the relationship as it will be always hanging over us that I was banned from the wedding. AIBU? Any words of wisdom to help me get through this?

@BelindaCardAisle

bit harsh to blame the daughter here and say you won’t have anything to do with her. She’s stuck between a rock and a hard place due to the behaviour of the aunt/uncle who sound like her mothers family, and she wants both the op and them there

Personally she has known the aunt/uncle far longer, they represent her late mother so I could understand her wanting them there. However as I said in my other post I would expect my partner to have a word with them about how their behaviour has in fact upset both him and the bride, and I would go so far as to say his first wife would expect him to move on and find someone, and that He won’t be having any contact with them moving forward

Completely disagree with this, DP is spineless and should have the OP’s back, the bride would also be aware that this is not OK too but obviously doesn’t care.

I don’t think most people realise the long-term impact of their behaviour sometimes :-(

I would also reconsider the relationship.

Even if I did decide to pursue it, I would put distance between myself and the daughter. There would be no need for us to he anything but cordial going forward.

I cannot believe any woman would be so petty over her niece’s wedding. What if she has kids - can OP have nothing to do with them?
I would chose my dad over my auntie any day if I were the bride. There is no way she would not turn up, she’s just throwing her weight around.
You can’t ban someone from a wedding if you aren’t organising it.
If anyone was prepared to upend my wedding like that I would tell them to piss off, yes, even if I’d lost my mum and she refused to come. My mum wasn’t at mine, and my dad brought someone he’d been companions with for a short time. I was pleased he had someone to bring, he had a lovely time. Didn’t take away from the day at all.

OP needs to ask herself the question of, what’s next?

If this is going to come up again and again when his DD has DC, christenings, seeing DGC etc. then she needs to cut her losses now. No one should be a second class citizen in their relationship.

It's not harsh at all.
I don't care which relative it was, but if someone dared to give me an ultimatum 2 days before my wedding, I would remind them it was my day, they were free to suck it up or not come.
It is pathetic to go along with it, and forcing her Dad to uninvite OP.

Again, I ask you, what do you expect the partner to do?

If his daughter chooses her aunts (which of course she will, they are her flesh and blood family), then what can the DP do?

Do you expect him to fall out with his own child? And choose OP over his own daughter?

How about telling us what you expect the DP to actually do?

How? He cant force his daughter to make a different choice, its not his wedding, its not his choice, she is the bride

Who says he didnt support her.

This thread smacks of the infantilisation of women that theres another thread about. The bride gets to make the decision, not her dad. This isnt even his family, this is the family of his deceased wife, his daughters extended family.

So nnone can move on because she's died? That's just utterly ridiculous.

I would move on @Oscarcleo he isn't your partner at all.

What do you honestly expect her partner to do? Dump his own daughter and choose OP over his own daughter? None of this is his fault, and he has absolutely no say whatsoever in this. He is an innocent victim in this.

So this aunt/uncle won't allow you to be around any celebrations for SDD children if she has any either? Or milestone birthday celebrations for her or her husband? Do she and your partner really grasp the significance of this long term

I haven’t read all the replies but I was very sad to read your update OP. I agree that I don’t see there is anything your DP can do once the bride has made her decision under these awful circumstances.

I do think that, as others have suggested, in the coming weeks you need to to have a calm conversation with your partner and possibly his daughter about your future in this family. If the daughter decides to have children, will you be banned from christenings, birthdays, school plays, etc if the aunt/ uncle are present? Or any other family events, big birthdays, anniversaries, funerals? If you’ll always be behind the aunt/ uncle priority wise then is that something you can settle for? I think I know what my answer would be.

Best of luck OP

Cave in in what way, its not his decision to cave in or not cave in, its not his wedding.

This thread is incredible.

OPs partner is stuck in the middle so I don't blame him but you have to consider that his daughter will always be in his life. This means that op will for the rest of her relationship be linked not only to dp but to daughter who is either lying to cover the fact she doesn't want her there or is too much of a wet lettuce to stand up to bullies. If that was me I'd be questioning if I want to waste time on this relationship knowing it will always be hanging over me that I'm 2nd class. What about the next family events? Christenings? Birthday parties etc.

My mil died 4 years before my wedding. Fil brought his new gf of 1.5 years. She didn't sit on the top table (think she and fil would have felt uncomfortable with that - to much pressure for a new relationship) BUT eveyone including all of mil family made her feel welcome. They were happy he wasn't alone

Yep, it does. Nobody on here has any solutions for what her partner can actually do. They can all say how unfair it is - and it is. I do feel for the OP, it's shit that this happened like this.

But what do posters actually expect the father to actually bloody do!??

What does daughter and partner say and how do they feel? It sounds like partner and daughter need to let them know that they'll be remembering the mum with a special mention hopefully, but that you are going as you've been a partner to him and a friend to daughter. If they don't like it they can decline their invite. How spiteful.

He can’t do anything on this occasion without upsetting his DD, but I think OP does need to think about the future if she is always expected to be hidden away or not invited to future events.

So, his sister and brother-in-law

Who do they think they are??

If the aunt and uncle really loved their niece, they would not be issuing an ultimatum. I expect the bride will regret this decision in time as there will either be an unintended consequence for her Dad if OP breaks things off or for them all if the hurt caused does not heal. Very sad - and shows what unpleasant selfish people these other relatives must be.

I don't think I'd leave a relationship just because of a wedding. Sounds like she'd rather family that she's known all her life there but they are threatening to leave if you come. I'd be grateful not to have to meet them tbh - they sound ridiculous.

@soupyspoon While I agree that we shouldn’t infantalize women, I can also see how it could be difficult for someone in their early 20’s to stand up to their older, controlling relatives. I know that I’d have found that hard at say 22/23 if an older relative had done this to me. Many people aren’t particularly confident at that age.

Now that I’m middle-aged, I’d have no problem saying that it’s my wedding, my choice of guests.

I can just imagine the thread of the bride.

She posts that she is just about to get married in 2 days time, she lost her mum 9 years ago. Her aunt and uncle on mum's side have said they dont want dads partner there. She is really upset and cant believe theyve said this to her but ultimately she wants them there and so has to tell her dad to uninvite his partner
She likes the partner and has met her a few times, nothing against her but wants to choose her mums family over her, even though she would prefer not to be put in the position

Dad kicks off. Hes phoned aunt and uncle telling them they're behaving badly, hes trying to pressure her into dumping them from the wedding instead and saying his partner must come or he isnt going to. Another man trying to control a woman.

Can you imagine the responses.

I’m so sorry to hear this update. Essentially that your DP and his daughter are prioritising aunt:uncle. He is a widower you did not break up a marriage. These people have too much control . Do they not want him to be happy ? The fact that the bride and her dad are not putting you before the complainants would be a deal breaker for me, especially since you have been invested in all the prep. Very heartless and thoughtless people . No matter what they say, you have seen their true colours and you can’t Unsee them despite how they may grovel AFTER the wedding

You took the words right off my keyboard!! 😊
That it should even be a consideration that OP would not be at the wedding is totally unbelievable and shouldn't even be up for discussion! 🙄
As you said, whoever these seriously up themselves, unreasonable and self satisfied 'relatives' are, they need to be put politely but firmly in their place asap 😡and I can imagine that the OP would be as upset by the fact this wasn't done immediately as she was by the suggestion itself, I know I would be!! 😥

Yes, his DD will really feel like shit if her dad ends up alone because of her decision.

The aunt and uncle have already cast shade over the wedding. Her dad is hardly going to enjoy himself tomorrow having been run roughshod over.