Partner has told me today that I cannot go to his daughter’s wedding on Saturday

[Oscarcleo]

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. He’s a widow - wife died 9 years ago and he’s brought up only daughter on his own ever since. I’ve met daughter ( we get on), groom, groom’s family, friends etc who’ll all be at the wedding. Wife’s relatives live a long way away and about 30 of them will be travelling to the wedding. As they live a long way away I haven’t met them yet.
Apparently yesterday evening some of the relatives told my partner/bride that they don’t want me at the wedding as wife isn’t there. It’s really upset my partner/ bride and I’m utterly distraught at this stage to be told I can’t go. It’s a big wedding that’s been planned for 18 months. I have been very careful to not be replacing wife’ s position at the wedding- agreed to not sit with him for ceremony or at the reception.
We’re really happy together but after this I’m not sure I can carry on with the relationship as it will be always hanging over us that I was banned from the wedding. AIBU? Any words of wisdom to help me get through this?

Are these relatives of your DP or his late wife? Were they aware of how serious your relationship is and that you and the bride are close?

I can’t imagine my aunt and uncle in their 80s, not having met my partner after 5 years? I think your DP is not telling the whole story. I understand their reaction if they’ve not been aware of you or had no idea how involved you are in the Bride’s life.

So had the bride’s father died, would the mother’s family have expected her to be on her own for nine years? No.
Had this been discussed at the very beginning, still not fair, but OP would have known.
To decide this days before? I am sorry you get an invitation to a wedding which requires you to attend or not attend. What it is does not to do is give you the right to decide who else is coming.
I am sorry but the DP here is a problem. If he’s paying anything towards the wedding, which I bet he is, why isn’t he speaking up.
All he needs to do is TELL the aunt and uncle they are welcome to come or not.
I assume the bridegroom has two parents who will be there and other people will have spouses and partners. If the aunt cared anything at all about her own niece, she would have never have got involved in this way.
If I were OP, he would be doing in the bin. And the bride.

Seriously, those who are saying he is a 'weak man', please tell us what you expect him to do?

What exactly is it that you expect him to do?

Just suppose he demands that OP goes. But his daughter - who doesn't even really know OP or have a relationship with OP - sides with her mother's family. Which is only natural and to be expected (I would be surprised if she uninvited her own aunt and uncles, for someone she doesn't even have a relationship with!!). Then what? Are you all expecting the bride's her father choose between his daughter and OP?

Seriously, wtf do you expect him to do? None of this is his fault. And he is not in the position or authority to fix it. Only the bride can do that. And she is not going to cast aside her aunts. For the OP. Be real!

@jsku christenings , big birthdays , anniversary parties etc , presumably this aunt / uncle are only the same sort of age as the OP and her partner . I’m not saying the OP should create a scene or even question the decision but this isn’t a man I’d want to be involved with moving forward .

How do you know he has 'caved'? Are you privy to his discussions with the bride and aunts/uncles? For all you know he fought real hard. But he is, naturally, going to choose his own child over his partner. He'd be a deadbeat dad if he didn't.

I would be very, very upset with the aunt, uncle and the bride but you can’t blame your partner if he’s tried and his daughter has said no.

Whenever there is a thread on here about child free weddings the bride’s decision is final. So I think we have to accept this is the case here too. Not that I agree with either!

I hope you have a lovely day tomorrow OP. Do something fabulous

@FlakyCritic all he needs to do is to remind Auntie Janice that the wedding and the guest list have been planned for some time, and that his very respectful partner will be attending… because she’s been invited!!!!
That’s it.
If the aunt threatens to not come what type of woman is she? Causing all this upset?

It's not his wedding, what do you expect him to do. His daughter is getting married and will probably be very aware of her Mum not being there, she wants her Aunt there. Do you think he should argue with his daughter over it?

Again, what do you expect him to do? None of this is his decision! And he is not going to threaten to not go to his own child's wedding!!

Nobody is suggesting any of this and you’re frothing over nothing because OP has already said she’s not going. I don’t think it’s self absorbed at all to question the relationship over this and she’s not making it about her or being over dramatic - that honour goes to the Aunt and Uncle who are so petty minded and self absorbed that they would make the widower of their niece attend his daughters’ wedding alone because they can’t get their heads around the fact that nine years later he’s moved on with his life.

It’s nothing to do with grief, it’s out and out nastiness. DP has caved to what the relatives want without question. He hasn’t got OP’s back on this. Understandable to a point, but it would make me wonder else he would cave to in the future - he’s allowing them to treat his partner of five years as though she’s a dirty little secret. It leaves a very bad taste in the mouth.

This isn’t really ok OP! I hope you are ok being told ar such short notice….

Is there more to it as it seems a little extreme that you can’t even attend the evening part…

I’m not sure what to make of it or why they think they have this much say/sway over who attends?

Could it be the daughter doesn’t want you to attend ?? And this is a smoke screen …I don’t know it just seems odd…

I am not 'frothing' at all. Again, what do you actually expect OP's partner to do??

It’s a really hard no win situation.

If you go, and her mum’s siblings boycott the wedding, then you’ll be blamed and your relationship with his DD will be tainted.

If you don’t go, your relationship with him and his DD won’t be the same.

It’s nobody’s fault. The universe has colluded against you.

Unfortunately when someone dies youngish it’s not just them that passes away. It’s like a stone dropped in a pond. The ripple effects are huge, and it’s raw for a long time afterwards. Your mum dies, other people fall out over it, anyone new is despised. It’s a bit of a nightmare.

This is a really hurtful situation all round. Don’t do anything rash. Be the bigger person and let the day go ahead with no further comment from you. Bow out with grace and with your head held high. Then take some time on your own to think about what YOU want. Tell him you need a few weeks apart to see how you feel and you need a break and a think about what’s happened. You don’t owe anyone an explanation and you don’t need to suck this up. Just tell him that this has knocked you off your axis and you need time and space to think it through and it’s the least he can do to give you that space.

Nope. And OP isn’t making him do that. But as I said upthread, it really would make me wonder what else is going to come up in the future that he will cave to. From what OP says there doesn’t seem to have been much, if any discussion or attempt to compromise.

I'm sorry to read your update @Oscarcleo
Your DP is completely stuck between the rock and the hard place. He's not taking sides from what you've said, he is trying to get his daughter through this without being even more upset. So aunty/uncle win out. It's not right that they get to make this sort of demand.
I would be thinking again too about where I stood in this relationship. Hidden away like a dirty secret? No thanks.

Could it be the daughter doesn’t want you to attend ?? And this is a smoke screen …

That's quite possible. The daughter barely knows OP. I bet she felt pressured into inviting her by her father. Now her aunts are unhappy, she has an 'out'.

I think your other half is the problem. I can understand sort of all sides of this. But if the aunt and uncle held these opinions they should have raised them more than two days before the wedding. The OH should have firmly told them this and that his daughter would be heartbroken by their non attendance over an issue that should have been discussed as a functional family months ago. They categorically should not be holding a bride to ransom 48 hours before she gets married.

OP said they are the late wife's family. But clearly still have a relationship with his daughter as she's their relative.

I think they are relatives of his late wife and he is possibly not that involved with them but his daughter does have a relationship with them. They are unpleasant and rude but that's not his fault.

Nothing. But I don’t expect him to be surprised when OP rethinks the relationship because he and his daughter have prioritised nasty spiteful relatives without much discussion or even an attempt to compromise. They’ve made it clear they don’t want OP at the evening do either. That’s just spite.

Nobody would be giving me an ultimatum about my own wedding, and who could attend, so for that, the bride is pathetic. Who tolerates that behaviour anyway, let alone 2 days before her wedding?

OPs partner is stuck in the middle because this is still his child, who ultimately comes first. He's also been barred from having OP there due to the aunt/uncle, so again, who are they to dictate who he can bring to the wedding. He probably isn't happy about it either.

I wouldn't end the relationship, but I certainly wouldn't have anything to do with his daughter going forward.

Sure, fair enough. He can do that. But lets say they continue to be unreasonable.

Now it's decision time: his daughter, quite naturally, won't uninvite her own aunts.

So.... that's that.

There is nothing that her partner can really do. He doesn't have the power or the authority. It's his daughter's wedding. And, she will choose her own aunties, over OP. That's the reality.

The blame here should be on the aunt and uncle making such a scene. Remember the bride wants you there, but also what’s her aunt and uncle who she would have known far longer

your partner and his daughter really are not to blame here, I think you are over reacting about re evaluating the relationship because she wants both you and her aunt/uncle there and has to choose. Of course you will choose the aunt/uncle

I would ask your partner to have a word with them and tell them that they have upset both him and his daughter by their demand and would expect him to say he would not be having any further contact with them

but as I say it’s an over reaction to reevaluate because the bride has been forced to choose because of her aunts/uncles behaviour

I agree with this. So sorry Op. Hope you manage to have a lovely day tomorrow & stuff the lot of them.

How sad for you. I’d say to just tell your dp ok I won’t be there at all then because I’m not wanted . Let him miss you there. Say that you would have been so happy to have honoured his deceased wife and to have learn more about her from the other family members. Too bad for him. He won’t have you by his side because of bully tactics. Book yourself into a lovely spa type hotel and enjoy the time yourself. Congratulate the bride and groom and your dp. Then it’s phone off and you taking the time for you for your weekend away. Resell your outfit to cover part of the costs.