Partner has told me today that I cannot go to his daughter’s wedding on Saturday

[Oscarcleo]

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. He’s a widow - wife died 9 years ago and he’s brought up only daughter on his own ever since. I’ve met daughter ( we get on), groom, groom’s family, friends etc who’ll all be at the wedding. Wife’s relatives live a long way away and about 30 of them will be travelling to the wedding. As they live a long way away I haven’t met them yet.
Apparently yesterday evening some of the relatives told my partner/bride that they don’t want me at the wedding as wife isn’t there. It’s really upset my partner/ bride and I’m utterly distraught at this stage to be told I can’t go. It’s a big wedding that’s been planned for 18 months. I have been very careful to not be replacing wife’ s position at the wedding- agreed to not sit with him for ceremony or at the reception.
We’re really happy together but after this I’m not sure I can carry on with the relationship as it will be always hanging over us that I was banned from the wedding. AIBU? Any words of wisdom to help me get through this?

What future family events?
There family members don’t live anywhere close - and clearly don’t have any family events - the reason why OP has not met them.
Wedding is a special once of a kind event.

If OP’s partner is invited to some future niece‘s wedding, for eg - he can simply not attend without OP. By the sound of it he is pretty unhappy about the situation.
But he cant NOT attend his daughter’s wedding. Or have her aunties not come.

Sometimes life is not fair - and the best we can do is not make it harder on those we love.

And in this case - OP is massively overreacting by making this a sword she wants to die on.

Does she really think that at this juncture she should be at the wedding, while dead mother’s sister is not? Aunty who has known the bride since birth????

I am not saying auntie is justified. It is unreasonable. BUT if OP insists on going and prioritising herself above all this way - its her partner who should rethink the relationship

And totally incorrect as well! Judging by OPs undate.

Whilst you evaluate the relationship, please don’t get the bride a wedding present or acknowledge her in anyway in future, OP.

She should be a complete random to you now.

Also ask DP for the money for the dress you bought.

Actually if you had read her posts properly you would see it was her boyfriend who went outfit shopping with her "DP came with me to choose my outfit etc."

But it is personal. And quite apart from the OP’s feelings, imagine how her DP is going to feel when he’s pretty much the only one without a significant other at the wedding. It’s disgusting behaviour from the relatives. It’s nine years since his wife died, and he’s allowed to move on.

So I’m not going, made other plans for tomorrow but re-evaluating whether I want to carry on this relationship now

Yes. I think this is wise. Very upsetting but wise.

The aunty who has known the bride since she was a child, knows about the loss of her mother, is a horrible piece of work, making the wedding all about her and not supporting her nieces choices.

Grief is no excuse to make the wedding about yourself.

Me, I’d cut off anyone who put me in that unenviable situation. Aunt whose known since birth or not.

The bride may bend now, but hopefully when all
this dies down will tell her aunt to never interfere in her business and life decisions again.

Because he didn’t support her.

Why on earth do her aunt and uncle think that they have the right to dictate whom their niece invites to her wedding? It’s not their wedding nor even their child’s wedding, they won’t know lots of the people there.

They're very rude and controlling, it’s literally none of their business. It sounds as if they’re punishing your DP for daring to move onto a new relationship and his DD for daring to be happy for him.

Haven’t RTFT (sorry, but it’s on a billion pages) but one thing that jumped out at me is that you’d agreed to NOT SIT WITH DP for ceremony or reception….???!?! What?! WHY??? That’s utterly disrespectful to you, and quite frankly bonkers.
You’ve been her dad’s partner for years. You get on with her. Who planted the idea that you shouldn’t sit in your rightful spot next to your DP???

And as for the small matter of them throwing you under the bus as soon as the late wife’s family arrive…. That tells you all you need to know about how you’re viewed/valued/treated.

I know this would be a really hard and heartbreaking thing to do but I really think you should reevaluate this relationship x

I think that now is not the time to make big decisions. I would write a card to the bride that her Dad can give her wishing her a happy day and a wonderful marriage - be the positive lovely person not the negative ‘all about me’ person

later, when emotions are calm, talk to your partner about your relationship and how things might play out in the future.

This.

This isn't your partner's fault, there isn't anything he can do about it. The aunt and uncle are ridiculous but the bride wants them there and has chosen to give in to their bullying to make that possible. Your partner hasn't much choice but to accept his daughter's decision as he will want her to enjoy her day. It's very disrespectful to you and I'm not surprised that you are upset but I wouldn't be ending the relationship over it.
Your relationship with your partner and his daughter is more important than these relatives who you will probably never need to have contact with. Your partner doesn't need to bother with them much in the future either but they are his daughter's remaining link to her Mum and she wants to keep in touch. There might be issues in future if your partner has grandchildren and there are events where the daughter wants them there. They are ridiculous and I feel sorry for your partner too being put in that position.

Dear OP.
I cannot offer any solution but I wanted to let you know I feel so sorry for your position. Which I know is no help.
Just want to wish you all the best and I hope you find an acceptable solution.
Take care my dear.
xxx

Completely agree with this

How hurtful. The aunt/uncle are being utterly ridiculous. Wouldn’t you think they’d be happy that your DP and niece have you in their lives?

So sad that you can’t be there but you have behaved impeccably. You were never trying to take bride’s mother’s place and even offered a compromise. The fact that you were still turned away is on them not you.

I hope you have a peaceful couple of nights away. Take the time to concentrate on you and how you’d like the relationship with your DP to go moving forward. No one would blame you if you didn’t want to continue but it does look like he was put in an impossible position.

Hopefully in the not too distant future the bride and groom will invite you to join them in a smaller more private celebration. I’d love to know what the groom’s family think about it all? If I was mother of the groom I’d be raging on your behalf and wouldn’t allow this to happen.

Your DP is a weak man, OP. The aunt/uncle have NO place to be dictating attendance of any wedding guests to their niece. Grandparents I kind of would have understood.

I think you're wise, because when times get rough, this man isn't going to have your back. I really hope you manage to have a nice day tomorrow

OP you must be so upset and I get why you have decided not to go as you are a good person and don’t want to cause more stress for the bride.

Her family are awful for giving an ultimatum like this.

Also if it were me I’d never forgive my DH for just standing by and letting this happen, he should have approached the family members directly and told them in no uncertain terms that he wanted you there. I know people are saying don’t throw away a relationship but you aren’t throwing away a relationship, he has thrown away the relationship by letting this happen. I’d never feel the same about him again and as such would have to end things.

Sorry to read this it's awful you are getting treated like this x

The disloyalty and unkindness of this is quite breathtaking. I’m so sorry. This would be the end of the relationship for me.

Do you think he should argue with his daughter the day before her wedding when she has chosen the aunt and uncle over OP? How do you think that would end? People on here don't usually like parents interfering with weddings and say it's all the bride's choice. Aunt and uncle sound horrible but aunt is bride's mother's sister and the bride wants her there.

Yes, I agree with others. You sound self-absorbed wanting end a relationship over some bloody wedding! It's not your DP's fault! What is he supposed to do?

Honestly, what do you expect him to do?

Just suppose he demanded you go. But his daughter - who doesn't even really know you or have a relationship with you - sides with her mother's family. Then what? Are you going to make her father choose between his daughter and you?

Perhaps it would be good if you do re-think it as your behaviour isn't fair on him. You seem too overly dramatic and self-absorbed. Stop making it about you.

If I was mother of the groom I’d be raging on your behalf and wouldn’t allow this to happen.

The mother of the groom is powerless and if she comments will be seen as a budding MIL from hell. Only the bride and groom can stand up to the Aunt and uncle and they have chosen not to.

Agree. I can understand the bride giving in because it’s short notice and she doesn’t want any ill will at her wedding. But DP is a different matter. He’s undoubtedly in a difficult position, but he’s caved without a murmur, and in the process he’s shown OP he hasn’t got her back. I would be wondering what else he won’t have my back with in the future.

Really sorry op. Better to know now what type of person he is (I deliberately didn't say man- he has shown he's not).