Partner has told me today that I cannot go to his daughter’s wedding on Saturday

[Oscarcleo]

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. He’s a widow - wife died 9 years ago and he’s brought up only daughter on his own ever since. I’ve met daughter ( we get on), groom, groom’s family, friends etc who’ll all be at the wedding. Wife’s relatives live a long way away and about 30 of them will be travelling to the wedding. As they live a long way away I haven’t met them yet.
Apparently yesterday evening some of the relatives told my partner/bride that they don’t want me at the wedding as wife isn’t there. It’s really upset my partner/ bride and I’m utterly distraught at this stage to be told I can’t go. It’s a big wedding that’s been planned for 18 months. I have been very careful to not be replacing wife’ s position at the wedding- agreed to not sit with him for ceremony or at the reception.
We’re really happy together but after this I’m not sure I can carry on with the relationship as it will be always hanging over us that I was banned from the wedding. AIBU? Any words of wisdom to help me get through this?

That’s awful @Oscarcleo

I think reevaluating the relationship is wise.
I hope you’re ok and have a lovely day tomorrow with your new plans.

OP's been a much bigger part of "step-daughters" life than her actual relatives? Based on what?

All OP said was that she had met her boyfriends daughter. She's not been a stepmother to her, the bride was probably in her late teens or early 20s when they met. OP is simply dad's girlfriend.

That’s tough and I don’t blame you.

I think it’s going to cause a rift too far.

@Oscarcleo firstly I’ve voted YABU because you are if you’re considering ending your relationship over this!
Of course YANBU to be upset x
That said, it is up to the bride and groom to step in and put this right. More so in my opinion than her Dad, although he of course should support his daughter, son to be son in law and you. But please don’t throw away an otherwise good relationship because of some relative’s that clearly are being selfish and only thinking of their own feelings and not the feelings of the bride and groom!!!

I am sorry that’s the outcome @Oscarcleo . I hope you have a relaxing and enjoyable day tomorrow, and wish you luck whatever you decide to do relationship-wise.

What a shame to find yourself in this position. Can understand the bride wanted relatives there but think they’re being pretty pathetic with there threat especially as they don’t even know you.
I hope you have a lovely day and I’m not saying end the relationship but I would cool things to allow some space. Maybe the father of the bride wants to make his daughter happy on her big day but it’s still disrespectful to you

I would try not to take this too personally. Weddings are such stressful times, and no doubt your partner and his daughter are in the awful position of trying to hold the reins of 8 horses pulling in 9 different directions. I like the idea of taking yourself off for (at leasr) 2 nights in an (expensive!) spa hotel. If you are shown to be taking this slight with dignity, you deserve it!

It would be a step to far for me and I would definitely rethink your relationship with this man.

But it is personal...

I am sorry you have been treated so shabbily OP. The wedding day is already tainted and has been handled dreadfully. You are hurt and upset understandably, DP has shown weakness and he should be feeling awful and the bride has been put in a stupid position causing her undue stress,hurting her dad and you ..what a mess. I couldnt get over a slap in the face like that.Three people in a mess over an aunt and uncle who have no clue how to be decent ..Well when friends and family ask where you are and find out why thats going to be uncomfortable...

I don't blame you.
I remarried after being widowed and my family couldn't have made my husband more welcome.
Awful situation

My dad died when I was young. My step dad walked me down the aisle at my wedding. The thought of banning him would have been very strange. I know it's maybe different if there are lots of relatives left and it was a more recent loss though.

Would they even recognise you? That’s the bonkers thing. I’d go and let them create a scene.

but tell your partner that you are ending the relationship and message the bride too and tell her you’ll stay away and that your relationship is over. She needs to stand up to these bullying relatives. They are effectively controlling her dad’s life at her wedding.

@Oscarcleo

Personally I think that unpleasant as the situation is - you are massively overreacting by saying you’ll throw away a good relationship over it.

It’s not ideal - but there is history and sadness of mother’s death. And, more importantly - there is a young woman’s wedding.
Dont make it about your wounded pride.

You are not particularly close to the bride. You don’t even live with your Partner, have not married or combined households.
These sort of big family events with relatives who live far away are once/lifetime.

If the relationship is good otherwise - let it develop naturally. This is not a great place foe him or his daughter to be either.
Be a bigger person - he didn't do anything wrong here.

But it's not the bride who doesn't want her there. It's her resentful aunt and uncle who have made it all about them and what they want.

So exactly as some of us said. She wants them there, they have blackmailed her to say they wont come if you come and so she has to make a choice

Why are you blaming your partner?

The bride's mother died 9 years ago, it's not recent.

Definitely DO NOT send a nasty text to a woman the night before her wedding. OP barely even knows her, she says they've met.

@jsku of course it’s worth leaving a relationship over it , the OP is not a recent girlfriend , wasn’t an affair partner and the wife has been deceased for 9 yrs , she has done nothing wrong . The family , be it the relatives , bride and now OPs partner have made their choice and the OP now knows where she stands and this situation will continue at future family events so really the relationship has no future unless the OP is happy to accept that she will have nothing to do with her partners family .

I feel really sorry for the bride who has had to deal with this stress right before her big day. Those relatives have been terribly cruel to her make it all about them when it should be about a bride starting on the next part of her journey.
i understand you're hurt but im also of the mind that im thick skinned enough to know its for the greater good. Pulling this 2 days before the wedding is so unfair. 18 months ago, 6 months ago even a month ago something could have been done. I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with this.

Is the wedding being held in a church / local registry office?

If so any member of the public has the right to attend as weddings must be held in public in the UK. How you you feel about going along and standing at the back of the church just so you can see your DP DD get married ? Situation isn't as clear for weddings held on private premises eg hotel

If you had read the posts properly you would have seen the part that said OP was involved in planning the wedding with the bride and that the bride helped OP chose her outfit for the wedding.

I don't think you can blame your partner in this. He's stuck berween a rock and a hard place.
He can't go against his daughter who wants her mothers family, understandably, at her wedding. She's the bride and it's her decision, not her father's.

I feel sorry for the bride, what a mess to deal with before her big day. It's not nice and actually quite pathetic of her uncle and aunt, but I can understand why she's choosing them over you. They're her family.
I wouldn't let them win and ruin your relationship.

She’s been with her partner five years. If they can’t accept her as family now then she needs to rethink the relationship. I don’t believe for a second that the bride has had a change of heart. I think it is what it is. And what it is is nasty and snide.

I’m sorry @Oscarcleo i posted and didn’t see your update 😞