Partner has told me today that I cannot go to his daughter’s wedding on Saturday

[Oscarcleo]

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. He’s a widow - wife died 9 years ago and he’s brought up only daughter on his own ever since. I’ve met daughter ( we get on), groom, groom’s family, friends etc who’ll all be at the wedding. Wife’s relatives live a long way away and about 30 of them will be travelling to the wedding. As they live a long way away I haven’t met them yet.
Apparently yesterday evening some of the relatives told my partner/bride that they don’t want me at the wedding as wife isn’t there. It’s really upset my partner/ bride and I’m utterly distraught at this stage to be told I can’t go. It’s a big wedding that’s been planned for 18 months. I have been very careful to not be replacing wife’ s position at the wedding- agreed to not sit with him for ceremony or at the reception.
We’re really happy together but after this I’m not sure I can carry on with the relationship as it will be always hanging over us that I was banned from the wedding. AIBU? Any words of wisdom to help me get through this?

I really don’t think it reads as hanging on the brides father’s arm? It’s been made very clear, that she doesn’t want to be a focal point.

I also think it’s been made clear that both the bride and the DF are upset by the 48 hour change of plan.

You do make it sound like the OP is the “other” woman and some sort of anger at her is justified.

Surely it is the bride's (and groom's) decision rather than the relatives of the bride's mother.

If the bride is happy for you to be there and it sounds as though you are being sensitive to the relatives by not "taking her mother's place" at the top table then I don't see how they can decide to "ban you".

Has the bride agreed that you should be uninvited? What has your partner said about that?

It sounds as though the relatives are the ones being unreasonable. And have put the bride and her father in a difficult situation with very little time to resolve without upsetting anyone.

I can see how you would find it difficult to get past if the decision is to ditch you in order to keep peace with long-distance relatives. I don't know that I would end the relationship though. I would make it clear that I thought I had been treated poorly by all involved and would expect them to consider my feelings in any future gatherings. Of which hopefully there may be none!

The relatives are making the wedding about their loss and bereavement instead of focusing on the bride and her day.

It reminds me of a funeral I was at when the sister of the deceased went up to his wife and said, “If you ever date anyone else I’ll never speak to you again.”

I honestly don’t know what you should do going forward. Just awful. Hideous thing to do to the bride and sounds like she and your partner haven’t dealt with it well either.

I think your partner should call the relatives and say: look, this is a wedding, not a funeral. If you can’t be happy for DD and focus on her and her day rather than making it all about you and your grief I suggest you stay away. If I can be strong for my daughter and be happy for her on a day her mother isn’t going to be there for then you bloody well can too. Whether my wife is there or not doesn’t make any difference and she hasn’t done anything wrong.

I'm sorry but this is wrong you should be there. Of course its devastating her mum cannot be there but sadly she has passed and that cannot change. You are no there to replace her mum you are there as he fathers partner and as however she sees you whether it a close friend, step mum or dads partner. I seriously can't believe they are agreeing to this id be very hurt. The other family have no right to say this u have done nothing wrong and built a bond with this girl and of course love your partner and have every right to be there!

Is it really the deceased wife’s family saying that? Would they even know you, especially when you’re in the glad rags.
If it’s a big wedding, couldn’t you just blend in with the groom’s friends and relatives

I disagree

Give them an inch and they'll take a mile!!

So what happens when there's another important family event?

Will these so-called relatives keep on insisting that OP should not attend this one too!? And others going forward?

I don't agree with hubby and daughter/bride for not taking into account OP's feelings in the situation 😕

Surely there has to be some middle ground whereby everyone will be happy-ish...

Hello

Hi

Do what hubby wishes or there attempts to cause upset will be fruitful. If daughters happy you won't be there do something fun for yourself a girls weekend away maybe? Tbh it would pee me off if hubby didn't stick up for me it's a shocking demand. What a horrible family -

While I can understand their feelings, it is down to the bride and groom to decide who attends their wedding.

Ask the bride what she wants

Sorry, this would be a deal breaker for me if neither your partner or his daughter are willing to come to your defence. What next, daughter eventually has a child and she is told by these random relatives that live miles that OP cannot see the baby. I don't know what the living arrangements are but if it's OP house, pack up his stuff, he can go live with the relatives.

This reply is wrong on every level. OP deserves to be at the wedding, she's been a much bigger part of step-daughter-s life than the relative who is trying to call the shots here. DP, DS-D both want op at the wedding, the objecting relative needs to screw off, in fact, she/he needs uninviting to the wedding.

And what happens the next time there is a family occasion? Say the daughter has a baby, is OP going to be barred from having anything to do with the child? I have never heard of anything more ridiculous and quite honestly if OP's partner and his daughter cannot be bothered to put their foot down and tell these relatives to take a hike, neither of them are worth a second more of OP's time.

Well now you know how DP’s family feel about you.
Hold your head up high.
Let them enjoy the wedding.
Your partner is weak willed & as bad as them.
Make plans to separate & waste no more of your life with these people.
Good Luck.

You are better than this. It's only a wedding, where people usually drink too much Prosecco and do some really crap dancing. Rise above it and treat yourself to a weekend break (on the same weekend) to Venice, where I hear the Gondoliers are sexy and have good thighs. Visit Peggy Guggenheim's villa, drink Bellinis in Harry's Bar, and to hell with them all! Fanculo, tutti quanti!

As painful as it is to lose a family member, it's been 9 years! Rhe dead wifes family are awful people to throw this on the bride the day before the wedding and your DP

Your DP and the bride are being really awful to just throw you out in the cold like this.

I don't think I could continue this relationship.

Exactly this

Put your feelings aside, it doesn't sound like it's personal. She's just upset that her Mum can't be there..her wedding, he rules. If you remain dignified then you're being a hugely respectful person and they might even change their mind. If you kick off, that will be the end of it!

So he's supposed to miss his Daughter's wedding when she's already lost her Mum. Doesn't matter how long you've been together...your children come first over any partner. Especially some of the obvious monster in laws on here

It doesn't look like the OP is coming back to her thread. 😕

Wow!! Who is talking about MILs? Your hatred of MILs is spilling over into threads not even concerning them!

It’s been a difficult day. Some further context: relatives who are objecting are aunt/uncle of bride ( no grandparents) and live in a completely different area. Bride is early twenties and had left for university when I got together with partner. Bride also lives in a different area now. DP and I live separately and both financially independent but live near each other and see each other daily. I have been involved in lots of the wedding plans/ DP came with me to choose my outfit etc.
I proposed a compromise that I only join them in the evening, not the ceremony/ reception meal. There will be over 150 there. DP tells me the relatives object to me coming to the evening as well. He feels stuck as bride wants aunt/uncle there and they have threatened not to come/leave if I’m present.
So I’m not going, made other plans for tomorrow but re-evaluating whether I want to carry on this relationship now.

Did you actually read OP 's post properly? Uninviting OP two days before the wedding is cruel, why invite her in the first place?