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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner has told me today that I cannot go to his daughter’s wedding on Saturday

1000 replies

Oscarcleo · 22/05/2025 18:58

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. He’s a widow - wife died 9 years ago and he’s brought up only daughter on his own ever since. I’ve met daughter ( we get on), groom, groom’s family, friends etc who’ll all be at the wedding. Wife’s relatives live a long way away and about 30 of them will be travelling to the wedding. As they live a long way away I haven’t met them yet.
Apparently yesterday evening some of the relatives told my partner/bride that they don’t want me at the wedding as wife isn’t there. It’s really upset my partner/ bride and I’m utterly distraught at this stage to be told I can’t go. It’s a big wedding that’s been planned for 18 months. I have been very careful to not be replacing wife’ s position at the wedding- agreed to not sit with him for ceremony or at the reception.
We’re really happy together but after this I’m not sure I can carry on with the relationship as it will be always hanging over us that I was banned from the wedding. AIBU? Any words of wisdom to help me get through this?

OP posts:
Springtime43 · 23/05/2025 11:51

Reetpetitenot · 22/05/2025 19:01

The bride, groom and your DP need to tell them to get stuffed.

THIS, with bells on

AprilShowers25 · 23/05/2025 12:06

I would be upset but the person I feel most for is the bride, what a horrible situation for her and impossible to resolve. She risks not having her mother’s family attend, it is probably her grandparents and aunties, uncles, cousins. I would be reassuring the bride that while you are upset with her family for excluding you, you understand why she has had to make the difficult decision, it would not be fair to kick up a fuss and ruin her day.

Calliopespa · 23/05/2025 12:11

AprilShowers25 · 23/05/2025 12:06

I would be upset but the person I feel most for is the bride, what a horrible situation for her and impossible to resolve. She risks not having her mother’s family attend, it is probably her grandparents and aunties, uncles, cousins. I would be reassuring the bride that while you are upset with her family for excluding you, you understand why she has had to make the difficult decision, it would not be fair to kick up a fuss and ruin her day.

This is sort of what I think op.

I feel sorry for her. It’s a bigger day for her than you, and, honestly, the shine would have gone off the event for me at this point.

Wheresthebeach · 23/05/2025 12:22

AprilShowers25 · 23/05/2025 12:06

I would be upset but the person I feel most for is the bride, what a horrible situation for her and impossible to resolve. She risks not having her mother’s family attend, it is probably her grandparents and aunties, uncles, cousins. I would be reassuring the bride that while you are upset with her family for excluding you, you understand why she has had to make the difficult decision, it would not be fair to kick up a fuss and ruin her day.

Agree...they should be ashamed of doing this - for so many reasons.

Musicaltheatremum · 23/05/2025 12:34

9 years is a long time. Yes it's hard but honestly life moves on and I'm sure her mother would have wanted her father to be happy.
I remarried 10 years after my husband died. My daughter got married the year after. He wasn't on the top table but sat with my son's girlfriend and my dad and brother.

My daughter wouldn't have had it any other way. To be honest she was more upset at her grandma, my mum, not being there as she had died the year before.

We never forget those who have gone but we learn to live beside them and the grief.

TisILeClair · 23/05/2025 12:38

Who are “some of the relatives”?
That matters. Maybe the bride should disinvite them not you?

MrsKeats · 23/05/2025 13:15

Where is the op??

gamerchick · 23/05/2025 13:21

Hand grenade

Ellephanting · 23/05/2025 13:25

Anxioustealady · 23/05/2025 11:12

You said your husband would refuse to go without you.

Show quote history

Thanks, that is what I said.

ThatDaringEagle · 23/05/2025 13:56

MrsKeats · 23/05/2025 13:15

Where is the op??

She's either
1: Preparing to go the wedding of the daughter of her DP of 5 years, from which she has already been disinvited to once, before being reinvited by the bride, probably under duress from her DP, and where she knows many of the extended family of the bride vehemently don't want her at, at all...
Or,
2: She is organising to go to a spa in a nice hotel, hopefully with a good friend, to relax, get away from it all and to leave the bride & groom & their party get on with it, without her...
Or,
3: She's having a good giggle having written a fictitious post about a potential made up scenario that loads of posters have given their opinion & feelings on....

My bet is on 2, but one never knows do they !?.....🤔

ICouldHaveCheckedFirst · 23/05/2025 14:33

that would be it for me. If your partner and his DD can't push back, you're better off without them. Sorry, this is shit!

AprilShowers25 · 23/05/2025 14:48

ICouldHaveCheckedFirst · 23/05/2025 14:33

that would be it for me. If your partner and his DD can't push back, you're better off without them. Sorry, this is shit!

Don’t agree with this at all, why should the DD put her dad’s girlfriend of a few years (who she may not know well at all) before her grandparents, aunties, uncles and cousins who she has known and could have had a close relationship with for 20 odd years.f

Seeyousoonboo · 23/05/2025 14:48

MrsKeats · 23/05/2025 13:15

Where is the op??

Probably writing her next article.

Catsbreakfast · 23/05/2025 14:52

MuggleMe · 22/05/2025 19:03

It's very weak of your dp to agree to leave you out but it's the bride's day, perhaps she's grieving her mum at this milestone occasion and is struggling to see her dad with someone else. It's not your dp's place to insist.

Sounds like he's hurting you to keep the peace with wider family.

I wouldn't take it too personally but I would be thinking carefully about the kind of man you're with.

Read the OP it’s not the bride, her mothers family are demanding this.

fussychica · 23/05/2025 14:52

Ridiculous. If the bride wants you there, which you say she does then you go. If she doesn't, you don't go. No one else's opinion really matters although it sounds like your partner is being very weak here. To be told this on virtually the eve of the wedding is totally unacceptable whatever the circumstances.

Cara707 · 23/05/2025 14:53

Wow, that's crazy but also quite weak of your DP not to tell them all that it's none of their business.

LatteLady · 23/05/2025 14:53

Something similar happened to my late sister, although initially invited to all five of her step children's weddings she did not go to any. For the first wedding, his eldest son, her step son came round in the morning of the wedding and asked his father not to bring her because his in-laws were concerned his ex-wife would kick off in the church. My sister did not go, but her partner left after the church. It was singularly unpleasant for everyone... when my sister died, they had been married for three times as long as his first marriage. Sadly the marriage from which she was disinvited from did not last.

evtheria · 23/05/2025 14:54

I’d be heartbroken by the DP and DSD not putting their foot down, rather than the random relatives deciding what they feel comfortable with. So sorry, OP. 💕

Yolo12345 · 23/05/2025 14:55

I hate weddings so would be absolutely delighted!

CustardySergeant · 23/05/2025 14:57

Yet another thread in which the OP makes no further posts after the first one. 😕

Radiatorvalves · 23/05/2025 14:58

My mum died about 6 years before I got married. i had loads of her relations at the wedding as well as Dads girlfriend. I’m sorry your DP has acceeded to their wishes. He should not have done so.

ThatDaringEagle · 23/05/2025 15:12

Radiatorvalves · 23/05/2025 14:58

My mum died about 6 years before I got married. i had loads of her relations at the wedding as well as Dads girlfriend. I’m sorry your DP has acceeded to their wishes. He should not have done so.

This presumes he had a choice...
It was the bride who disinvited the OP, it was the poor DP who had to relay the news!!

He has to go to his Dd's wedding. I'm presuming he advocated strongly for his gf to attend, particularly as she had previously been invited, but the relatives of his deceased wife of 9 years got to his DD & as a result, she disinvited his GF.

What would you expect him to do!?
(Rock & hard place ...)

zingally · 23/05/2025 15:36

"Some of the relatives" is probably completely bollocks. More like "the bride". She doesn't want "not her mum" hanging on her dads arm in all the photos and on a day when she will naturally be thinking of her mum an awful lot. And there's you on dads arm, where people might assume mother of the bride.

The way you said "I've met daughter" rather reads like you've met her a handful of times, and not that you particularly have any relationship to speak of.

I think, for the sake of harmony, I'd begrudgingly sit it out.

TheBossOfMe · 23/05/2025 15:39

They sounds like awful relatives.

Deathraystare · 23/05/2025 15:40

Well I certainly would not be at all interested in viewing any pics afterwards and would change the subject if it came up. Also would disappear whenever those relatives came around, the shitbags!

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