Partner has told me today that I cannot go to his daughter’s wedding on Saturday

[Oscarcleo]

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. He’s a widow - wife died 9 years ago and he’s brought up only daughter on his own ever since. I’ve met daughter ( we get on), groom, groom’s family, friends etc who’ll all be at the wedding. Wife’s relatives live a long way away and about 30 of them will be travelling to the wedding. As they live a long way away I haven’t met them yet.
Apparently yesterday evening some of the relatives told my partner/bride that they don’t want me at the wedding as wife isn’t there. It’s really upset my partner/ bride and I’m utterly distraught at this stage to be told I can’t go. It’s a big wedding that’s been planned for 18 months. I have been very careful to not be replacing wife’ s position at the wedding- agreed to not sit with him for ceremony or at the reception.
We’re really happy together but after this I’m not sure I can carry on with the relationship as it will be always hanging over us that I was banned from the wedding. AIBU? Any words of wisdom to help me get through this?

I can't believe you would actually expect a man to abandon his daughter on her wedding day, when she's already lost her mother.

Incredibly selfish. He would be a very weak man if he did that.

The wedding is tomorrow, the best thing for the bride is for OP to step back, don't cause any more drama for the poor bride, let her have a happy wedding day. Of course her dad should be at her wedding.

If the bride and groom want you there, that’s where it needs to stop.

either way it’s cruel it got this close and they now don’t want you there. You partner is in a terrible position though. My dad would 100% not go to the wedding - he’d pick the feelings of his partner every time but I suspect most parents would put their children’s feelings first.

Exactly, I disagree with the relatives but these kind of suggestions are just vile.

This isn’t the daughters fight and she shouldn’t be made to choose or have yet another parent missing from her wedding.

My dad would 100% not go to the wedding - he’d pick the feelings of his partner every time but I suspect most parents would put their children’s feelings first.

That’s sad. And yes I’d hope most parents would prioritise their children wedding day.

This

I understand this opinion might not be agreed with but her mum and your partners wife died 9 years ago. Life moves on and, I’m glad your partner found happiness again in you. It sounds like you get on well with his daughter too. It doesn’t sound like you’re here to replace her mum, of course you never could anyway.

The relatives of wife who sadly passed are out of order in my opinion to put this onto bride and her dad. Although hard, it’s been 9 years and, dad is allowed to move on.

If you were the girlfriend 6 months after wife’s passing I would say gently that they have a point and it might be best to accept and move on but I can’t understand why after being together 5 years this has been allowed and agreed you will he banned 2 days before the wedding.

You haven’t made it clear why bride and your partner have let wife’s relatives make this call, just 2 days before the wedding.

9 years since she died and the relatives don’t want you there @Oscarcleo ? Surely it’s up to the bride and if the bride (as it would have been her Mum) felt like that (unlikely from what you said) she should have had that conversation much earlier.

If it really is all last minute from other relatives - she is probably panicking but ought to tell them to do one, but depends how close you are - she may just take the easy route, in which case what can DP do other than not go either - which will ruin her day.

Difficult one. I’ve edited this as hadn’t picked up that you have already agreed not to sit with DP. That bit would have been a red flag for me and actually I think he needs to sit with you for the ceremony. So I would be questioning too.

I am so sorry that you have been put in this position. It is so so tough but I think you will need to accept this.

Yes, ideally the family members should be told no but by the sounds of things the Bride is taking the path of least resistance. It is going to be very hard on her getting married with out her mom and having a fallout with her mom's family would make it so much harder for her. I would imagine your dp knows it is the bride's choice.

I would wave your dp off to the wedding. I know it hurts but I would try and not let it impact on your relationships with them both.

Where did I say that’s what I would expect? Sorry, I can’t quite seem to find my post.

I’m assuming the relative who has kicked up this fuss must be someone very close to the deceased mother, an aunt perhaps? Either way it is cruel to do this at the last minute but for the sake of your relationship with his daughter I would try really hard to be gracious about it and not make a fuss to either your partner or his daughter. Do carve out some time to talk/ sound off with a friend, ideally on the day itself if possible, but please don’t draw a further cloud over the wedding (even though this is very much not your fault).

That's awful. If the Bride invited you then that's the end of it, they don't get to control the wedding list. If the Mum had died very recently that might be one thing, but 9 years?

Sorry OP I think you're being treated awfully, and maybe time to take a cold hard look at the relationship, if your DP isn't prepared to stand up for himself and you with family it's never good.

I agree completely. A relative doesn’t get to choose who attends this wedding. It’s down to the bride and groom.

I think the problems lie with the lack of investigation into this and communication both with the bride and his partner (the OP) on the part of the bride´s dad. At least from the OP it seems very the path of least resistance was chosen as it was the easiest and sod anyone who gets hurt. That´s why he seems spineless and not having his partner´s or his daughter´s back. So sad that some people want to bring division to what should be a joyous occasion.

This is all well and good being the ‘bigger ‘ person but moving forward where does this leave the OP in this relationship as this same kind of thing could potentially crop up again - birthdays for future children etc . Why would the OP want to be in a relationship where her feelings come second to that of a family who are totally unrelated to herself . What has happened is what will continue to happen , she has seen how it is being handled by her partner , she knows where she stands and needs to make her decision based on that about what she does moving forward . For me it is simple , I’d get out of the relationship because whilst I appreciate that the partner is in a difficult position I wouldn’t be prepared to be treated like this .

Its so cruel to do this, and for the Bride and DP to allow it is also cruel. That's why I'd be questioning the relationship. They've been together 5 years, not 5 months.

You said your husband would refuse to go without you.

What does the bride think? Does she think it's OK for a guest/s at her wedding to disinvite you? Is she worried about someone causing a scene? That is the person that should be disinvited. This is the most important day of your two loved one's lives...it is crazy to think you wouldn't attend.

All this drama over the wedding of someone OP, let's face it, is not super close to. It's her boyfriends daughter who she met probably in her late teens or 20s. It's not like she's been a mother figure to her.

Quite. It seems quite ridiculous that a relative is dictating who the couple marrying can invite to their wedding.

I would graciously step back- as this would be putting the bride and your partner first. I don't think it's right what has been asked of you- but now is not the right time to delve into this. If you kick off and make it about you, that will turn out badly.

It's 2 days to go. Ask what you can do to support. Then go away for the weekend.

Deal with it when you get back.

But it is not different to the op dictating and also expecting the father of the bride to dictate also

"Sounds like he's hurting you to keep the peace with wider family.

I wouldn't take it too personally"

I would

I do definitely agree in the wider sense the OP needs to think if this relationship is going to work for them. And I would also say that once the wedding is over with, they should have a proper sit down conversation with their partner about why and how this happened and where they see their future as a couple. It can’t hang over a relationship that family can just “veto” OP’s involvement in significant events.

I suppose my reply was more about the short term as the wedding is literally a day away. And that now is not the time to kick up a fuss or open the wider term conversation. But I do agree that post-wedding this absolutely does need to be addressed.

The bride & the brides father's are happy to have you attending the wedding. It has absolutely nothing to do with the brides maternal relatives. You mentioned its a big wedding. There will be enough people there to have them melt into the background with their divisive opinions This whole situation is preposterous. I hope you enjoy the wedding OP.

It’s all a bit unusual but do you really want to go that much in the circumstances? Would it help the bride if you took the last minute pressure off her by just agreeing. I mean, regardless of who said what, I’d feel really awkward going now If I were you. In any case, I’d prefer a day at a spa to a wedding populated by people who didn’t want me there.