Partner has told me today that I cannot go to his daughter’s wedding on Saturday

[Oscarcleo]

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. He’s a widow - wife died 9 years ago and he’s brought up only daughter on his own ever since. I’ve met daughter ( we get on), groom, groom’s family, friends etc who’ll all be at the wedding. Wife’s relatives live a long way away and about 30 of them will be travelling to the wedding. As they live a long way away I haven’t met them yet.
Apparently yesterday evening some of the relatives told my partner/bride that they don’t want me at the wedding as wife isn’t there. It’s really upset my partner/ bride and I’m utterly distraught at this stage to be told I can’t go. It’s a big wedding that’s been planned for 18 months. I have been very careful to not be replacing wife’ s position at the wedding- agreed to not sit with him for ceremony or at the reception.
We’re really happy together but after this I’m not sure I can carry on with the relationship as it will be always hanging over us that I was banned from the wedding. AIBU? Any words of wisdom to help me get through this?

So the bride invited you but changed her mind because her relatives objected?

I presume if you dont know what it is about it is about money and they probably blackmail her with -if you come they will cut her out. A disgusting thing to do evenif it is not the case, you didnt have an affair with him, you were not the other woman, and not trying to replace the dead person.
Ithink Id be having many second thoughts about continuing the relationship though if your DP is not standing by youl

Unless the relative that was putting her under duress was her father, then her father remains not to blame.

But OPs partner IS getting this in a way of his relationship, so the situatio nis very different. He was prepared to massively hurt her and chose the relatives over his new partner. What else is he going to do at her expense?

What’s the point in even giving any advice when the OP can’t even be bothered to respond??? 🤷‍♀️

If push came to shove, what would you expect the father here to do? Prioritise his wife and boycott his daughter's wedding? Prioritise his daughter and go to the wedding alone? Or take his wife to the wedding regardless and so make a big scene?

If the bride wants you there, then be there. The relatives can all get stuffed. Doesn't affect your relationship with DP.

If the bride doesn't want you there and your DP wishes you could come - that's fair enough. His DD comes first, but your relationship will be affected, I don’t think it needs to end but I'd keep it casual.

If DP doesn't want you there, the relationship is over.

Thought we might have had a response from OP after 14 pages of commentary......

Take the dignified route and say absolutely nothing, it’s best not to be accused of overshadowing the wedding so close to the day.

Reevaluate the relationship afterwards. You are forever going to be an outsider, and it is up to you whether you can live with that or not. Your dp does not have your back.

I think there may have been an epic fall out in OPs household…. MN may not be priority.

The wedding is tomorrow, can you imagine the tension…..

Your daughter did want her there, until she was emotionally blackmailed by some awful people in her mother´s family. I am astounded that these people think it even remotely ok to put this pressure on a bride before her wedding. And you would be enabling this bullying of your daughter.

Unless you were the 'other woman' at some point, I cannot fathom what their objection to you attending is. It seems really peculiar. Sorry, OP.

My mum´s partner sat with us at top table, my mum is a widow and my dad´s family didn´t breathe a word either way, like the well educated, reasonable, civilised people they are. It just wouldn´t have occurred to me to have it any other way and if anyone voiced anything even remotely near what your SD has had to hear I would have told them to excuse themselves from attending if it was such a problem. Fortunately I´m luckier with the family I have than your SD. Poor bride, poor you.

That’s absolutely awful. I’m so sorry. They are being horrid. I say this as someone whose mum died 5 years ago and I’m getting married next year. My dad and his new (well, of 2 years now) partner will be there together and I wouldn’t dream of leaving her out of it. I realise how good she is for my dad and that he’s in such a better place now than the time between my mum passing and him meeting his new partner.
My family on mums side are all equally happy for my dad. Of course, it doesn’t take anything away from the love we all have for my mum or wishing she could be there. But obviously that can’t happen, and we want my dad to be happy after three years of constant grief and depression when mum passed.

OK, so what should I do in that situation and assuming I can't change my daughter's mind? Go to the wedding on my own? Not go to the wedding? Take my partner to the wedding over my daughter's objection? Or something else?

By that logic, someone or some people at the deceased mum´s family is really "making it all about themselves" throwing a tantrum because the bride´s dad isn´t single, and by your logic they are totally wrong and should be backing off. See, it works both ways. Bullying of a bride of this type is despicable.

Where are you getting that from?

LucyMonth
OP is not her step mother. She has “met her”. She didn’t know her as a child. She had nothing to do with raising her. She’s never lived with her. She isn’t married to her Dad. She is her Dad’s partner. That’s it.

whilst true, it’s an unpleasant attitude to have towards the OP she is the partner of the father if the bride , she has done nothing wrong and her relationship and her inclusion of the family should be celebrated

What has it got to do with this other part of the family ?! I would be expecting my partner and the bride to stand up for me and say that you have a rightful and much loved role in the family so you will be attending . Obviously the wife will be missed and remembered on this important day - but that does not mean your part should be erased . Life goes on .

14 pages later the OP hasn't returned 🤔

Option 3 is no longer an option, but I would sit down with my daughter and find out why caving to this kind of pressure is the first and easiest option. Like I dont want to upset gran or random aunt but don´t mind hurting my dad. I wouldn´t want to miss my daughter´s wedding, but relationship with first wife´s family would be cut down to minimum. Polite but cool.

OK, so I'd go to the wedding without my partner. A crime that some people on this thread think so heinous that my partner would be justified leaving me over.

It’s a tough one.

When I got married 26 years ago my dad’s GF was there. He was a widow (mum died) and I didn’t want him upset or uncomfortable and his wellbeing is important to me. She sat next to him, supported him, and showed me her dress to make sure I was ok with it. To be fair to her she actually helped me out a bit with my wedding, and calmed my dad’s nerves at speaking publicly etc. When I picked out a dress, my dad didn’t like it and thought it was really expensive (Duchess satin Ritva Westenius £2K dress when my wedding in total cost 7k including dress - sorry just had to drop that in as I’m still reeling at how great that dress was) and I tried it on upset, came out and she cried at how beautiful it was and went outside and convinced him to buy it for me. She’s not my mum, never tried to be, and was in my corner. Why would I treat her so disrespectfully?

On the day it didn’t bother me that she was there, or at the top table, and she held his forearm gently as he spoke about my mother and we all cried.

However, during the evening she did excuse herself as one of my brothers was rude to her, and she didn’t want to ruin my day. I also got stick from a few different directions about inviting her, letting her sit at the top table etc. Apparently I was disrespectful to my mums memory.

Would I do it again? Yes, because I am a grown up. She took nothing away from anyone. I’m not a Bridezilla. Other people’s comfort and happiness at our wedding celebration mattered to me. Take note modern day brides! The only people who tarnished my day were those who threw stink bombs into the circle and said “ just saying”.

The mature thing is for the bride and partner to say, look it’s about <bride> day, and she wants <op> there, as she’s a friend, and part of her life. Of course everyone’s sad her mum isn’t there, but it doesn’t take anything away.

There’s no reason why the OP can’t go and keep a low key, and be there to support the dad when he has a moment away from the day and wish the bride well.

If your partner and his DD want you there then you should be there.

This absolutely nails it. My DH would have refused to go without me.

I’m sorry your mother died young, that’s tough.

But my goodness, didn’t she bring up a strong woman with excellent morals.

She’d be proud.

❤️