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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner has told me today that I cannot go to his daughter’s wedding on Saturday

1000 replies

Oscarcleo · 22/05/2025 18:58

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. He’s a widow - wife died 9 years ago and he’s brought up only daughter on his own ever since. I’ve met daughter ( we get on), groom, groom’s family, friends etc who’ll all be at the wedding. Wife’s relatives live a long way away and about 30 of them will be travelling to the wedding. As they live a long way away I haven’t met them yet.
Apparently yesterday evening some of the relatives told my partner/bride that they don’t want me at the wedding as wife isn’t there. It’s really upset my partner/ bride and I’m utterly distraught at this stage to be told I can’t go. It’s a big wedding that’s been planned for 18 months. I have been very careful to not be replacing wife’ s position at the wedding- agreed to not sit with him for ceremony or at the reception.
We’re really happy together but after this I’m not sure I can carry on with the relationship as it will be always hanging over us that I was banned from the wedding. AIBU? Any words of wisdom to help me get through this?

OP posts:
Tbrh · 23/05/2025 05:23

I'm so sorry to hear this OP. I'd do as PP suggested and book a spa. Personally I'd not let this ruin your relationship with DP and SD, I'm sure they're under immense pressure from family and trying to keep the peace, let alone dealing with their own feelings as well. It's sad that the other family members can't be happy for them and let them enjoy the day and prefer to ruin it for everyone.

HomeTheatreSystem · 23/05/2025 05:28

It’s really upset my partner/ bride and I’m utterly distraught at this stage to be told I can’t go.

So it sounds like the bride would like you there but she feels obliged to respect the wishes of her late mother's relatives who she's not seen in a long while and who haven't been around whilst things have changed and moved on. I can see why the relatives are going to struggle with seeing you there but it's been 9 years since the mother died and you two have been together 5 years. You're not just a random gf. The bride should tell them that whilst she understands their feelings a lot of time has passed and if she is OK with you being there then they need to be ok with it too. It's not their wedding and they don't get to call the shots.

IDontHateRainbows · 23/05/2025 05:45

SandyY2K · 22/05/2025 19:08

The bride is fine with the OP being there. It's her mum's family members.

Show quote history

Says the OP. I wonder how true this really is

SandyY2K · 23/05/2025 05:49

IDontHateRainbows · 23/05/2025 05:45

Says the OP. I wonder how true this really is

Show quote history

I guess we can only take her word for it and she was invited, just recently.

I'm a little surprised that she hasn't returned to the thread as yet though. It's gotten plenty of responses.

Bunionbabe · 23/05/2025 06:03

Supposing OP and partner were a married couple, would the family still object I wonder? This doesn't bode well for the future.8

malificent7 · 23/05/2025 06:08

I dont think you should leave your dp although It is a bit mean. My mum died and dad's dp came to my wedding. I was fine with it....BUT there have been a lot of assumptions from them that she is part of my family. She can sometimes be rude. ...i have felt pressured to make her family mine. No....not happening . But I wouldn't exclude her. My mum's relatives like her but they also find it hard. Tricky one.

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 23/05/2025 06:09

Accept it but let them both know how let down you are. They are taking path of least resistance and you kneed to show them it's not such a comfy ride. Then take yourself off to a spa day or something for a treat and reassess your relationship. Personally I wouldn't stay with someone who didn't have my back. It shows a lack of spine

OfficerChurlish · 23/05/2025 06:10

1SillySossij · 23/05/2025 01:30

I think the bride, who the op onlyb says she has 'met', should not be castigated for prioritising her late mother's family who are going to keenly feel their grief that day, over the wants of her dad's current squeeze.
No ring, no bring!

Even if the bride is Ann Widdecombe, it would be very strange if she's JUST discovered two days before the wedding that her dad isn't married to the OP! 😯

In any case, the OP says some of the relatives told my partner/bride that they don’t want me at the wedding as wife isn’t there. If, say, the OP and her partner elope before the wedding, surely the existence of a "ring" isn't going to suddenly cause the bride's mother to be resurrected? That would be somewhat blasphemous, just for a start.

dottiehens · 23/05/2025 06:47

Definitely bizarre.
f they divorced and the mother was going to be there it would make more sense. Specially if the split was due to you. However, what a strange thing to do. Do we know the whole story?

jeaux90 · 23/05/2025 06:59

Look unless you two had been having an affair whilst the wife was dying then there is absolutely no excuse for the cowardice shown by your partner. You should centre the bride in the immediate situation and ask her what she really
wants. Your partner though, I could not get over the lack of loyalty.

Definitelynotagladiator · 23/05/2025 07:21

These family members have never met you and so they have no emotional connection and think they can say these things. This is obviously triggering to DP’s daughter as she must have been quite young when her mum passed and maybe has reverted to that younger state of mind when these relatives turned up.
You and DP had already planned and arranged where to sit to be respectful. You’ve done a really considerate thing here and I very much feel you should still go - would they even know who you are if you won’t be sitting with DP?
I hope DP and daughter come to their senses. I wish you all the best you deserve to be there xx

Thisismetooaswell · 23/05/2025 07:22

It's not up to the dead wife's family to dictate who comes to a wedding. The bride and groom decide that - and you have been invited. Why on earth are they uninviting you on the say so of some people who live a long way away and clearly aren't close

Zoraquee · 23/05/2025 07:33

Thisismetooaswell · 23/05/2025 07:22

It's not up to the dead wife's family to dictate who comes to a wedding. The bride and groom decide that - and you have been invited. Why on earth are they uninviting you on the say so of some people who live a long way away and clearly aren't close

How do you know they’re not close? I don’t see my mums family a lot (live in other countries) or even speak to them that much but they mean a lot to me.

OPs partner kid has lost her mum at a young age, it’s very likely she is close to her maternal family and they mean a lot to her - even if she doesn’t communicate with them daily.

I think their behaviour is very selfish btw but I can see why daughter might not want to rock the boat - just to stick up for her Dads partner she’s “met and gets along with” .

To be clear , Op is not a stepmum who raised her and has a close relationship with her by the sounds of it.

OP is well within her rights to end things though too because she may be (rightly) wondering if for future occasions she will be excluded too. And if she does attend events will there be hostility etc.

olympicsrock · 23/05/2025 07:39

The red flag is that OP wasn’t able to sit next to her partner at the ceremony or reception even before this happened. This is not normal when the bride’s mother died 9 years ago.

It sounds like there are serious grief issues still and the OP is to be treated like a dirty secret / second class citizen at best.

Renabrook · 23/05/2025 07:44

Would the answers be different if the bride to be was putting their version on her about their fathers partner of x years wants to come to their wedding, would the bride be told to invite who they want?

LucyMonth · 23/05/2025 07:52

pizzaHeart · 22/05/2025 21:46

@LucyMonth I think you misunderstood OP. She didn’t claim at all that she was involved in raising her partner’s daughter and she didn’t claim that her partner was a single dad she wrote that he brought up daughter on his own which I read as that maternal relatives were not involved much.

Nope I haven’t misunderstood at all.

She said he “brought her up on his own” but unless she is getting married very young by today’s standards she will have been well into her teens if not older when her mother died so already “brought up”. So whether OP means he was a single Dad or that her Mum’s family weren’t involved in raising her is irrelevant. She had her mother raising her into her teens if not older.

OP never said she helped raised her (& I never claimed she did) but plenty of people are referring to OP as her “step mother” but she absolutely is not in any way shape or form. I brought it up as I don’t think people realise that OP is literally just her Dad’s partner. Not his wife. Not her step mother. Not someone who has been a “mother figure” in her life. She is someone OP has “met”. That’s it. So people acting like this is some huge slight after all OP had done (which is nothing) is silly.

People deal with grief oddly. Would my gran want to see my Dad at my wedding with another woman when she knows it should have been her daughter beaming with bride in her MOB outfit that day? Probably not. She wouldn’t kick off about it but it would likely be incredibly painful.

Zoraquee · 23/05/2025 07:52

Renabrook · 23/05/2025 07:44

Would the answers be different if the bride to be was putting their version on her about their fathers partner of x years wants to come to their wedding, would the bride be told to invite who they want?

Edited

Perhaps but that would be a different situation to what has been described.

As far as we know the bride was perfectly happy for Op to attend. It’s her relatives who have objected to it. So one key issue here is they have overstepped massively and not only is it unfortunate for OP but they have also caused the bride to be in a tricky situation.

We can only go by what the OP has told us.

Bunionbabe · 23/05/2025 07:55

There's more to this story I think. Odd that OP hasn't been back.

eone · 23/05/2025 07:59

What a nonsense. Why does the distant family get to decide who is invited to the wedding?
I would lose all the respect I had for DP if he had done this and just plainly agreed to exclude me to please other people. If my DP did this to me, it would be the end of the road for us I'm afraid.

And another point that stands out. Your place, after 5 years of happy relationship with DP and his daughter, is to sit next to him at the wedding.

Rosscameasdoody · 23/05/2025 08:06

1SillySossij · 23/05/2025 02:18

Have you ever lost a child?

Show quote history

I really don’t think that's relevant. It’s nine years on and while l don’t think you ever get over these things, nine years is a long time and OP’s partner is allowed to move on with his life. I think they have an absolute nerve trying to dictate to the bride and groom who they do and don’t have to their own wedding. It’s less to do with the pain of losing a child and more to do with spite and self importance - if they feel so strongly about DP being with the OP then they should have declined the invitation. The wedding isn’t about them, it’s about the bride and groom.

if l were OP l would stay away as requested, but l would be rethinking the whole relationship. Her partner and his daughter clearly wanted her at the wedding but have thrown her under the bus at the last minute to accommodate a bunch of spiteful, entitled relatives. She’s being treated like a dirty little secret for no reason and l would be wondering on how many future occasions l would be expected to stay away from what should be inclusive family events.

historyismything82 · 23/05/2025 08:11

Reetpetitenot · 22/05/2025 19:01

The bride, groom and your DP need to tell them to get stuffed.

This! Who do these relatives think they are? It's got nothing to do with them. Chin up, OP 💐

Thatsalineallright · 23/05/2025 08:23

What horrible people. I'm in the daughter's position, my dad died 4 years ago and I'm getting married soon. I don't even like my mum's new partner but I'm still inviting him to the wedding!

I'm not sure if I'd be able to forgive my DP in the OP's position. I certainly wouldn't ever want to spend time with the daughter again, that's for sure.

Enrichetta · 23/05/2025 08:28

13 pages………. And @Oscarcleo hasn’t come back…

user1471516498 · 23/05/2025 08:53

My Dad remarried after my mum died. I get on well with her and I am glad he is happy, but I must admit that I wouldn't be heartbroken if I never saw her again, because it reinforces that my mum is gone and that dad has moved on. I would never dream of saying this to her, as she is a lovely perdon and it isn't her fault.
I think you will have to accept that DP's daughter probably doesn't really want you at the wedding because you being there reinforces that her mum is gone. If you continue in this relationship you need to accept that you will be merely tolerated by your DP's children, and do not try to be part of their family.

Alittlewordinyourear · 23/05/2025 08:54

Nope. This is not acceptable. It’s been nine years! They are clearly not in touch with the wife’s family frequently and yet prioritised them over you. His wife died it’s not like you broke up a marriage. If I was you I’d book a holiday for a week to clear off for the whole “wedding “ and let it be known I was wanting time alone to think about my future. Where is their loyalty to you ?

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