Partner has told me today that I cannot go to his daughter’s wedding on Saturday

[Oscarcleo]

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. He’s a widow - wife died 9 years ago and he’s brought up only daughter on his own ever since. I’ve met daughter ( we get on), groom, groom’s family, friends etc who’ll all be at the wedding. Wife’s relatives live a long way away and about 30 of them will be travelling to the wedding. As they live a long way away I haven’t met them yet.
Apparently yesterday evening some of the relatives told my partner/bride that they don’t want me at the wedding as wife isn’t there. It’s really upset my partner/ bride and I’m utterly distraught at this stage to be told I can’t go. It’s a big wedding that’s been planned for 18 months. I have been very careful to not be replacing wife’ s position at the wedding- agreed to not sit with him for ceremony or at the reception.
We’re really happy together but after this I’m not sure I can carry on with the relationship as it will be always hanging over us that I was banned from the wedding. AIBU? Any words of wisdom to help me get through this?

It's up to the bride and groom who comes-and it's usually decided way in advance. I get that if you'd been having an affair, they might not want you there, but do they really think a widower should never find another partner?

How old is the bride OP? You say you've met her which suggests that you've not lived under the same roof. Do you have your own home or did you move in with DP after his dd left home? Is there a possibility that the wife's family think that you pushed DD out of her own home when you moved in? That might explain their feelings about you being at the wedding. It was always going to be a hard day for them all but after this long you being there in a low key way should have been OK.

I wouldn't go. Being the centre of a wedding day bust up is never a good look.

I think it might be time for a deep-think about your relationship. Can you think of many occasions in the last 5 years when your partner has clearly shown he is on Team Oscarcleo? Or is it one of these relationships where it's all about you doing nice things for him?* *

Wtf? This is really odd. Offering to not sit next to him is weird to, like why? Who would be offended by it. This is so sad.

Perhaps there is a table for people really close to the bride/groom, just like partners don’t sit with the bridal party, so it’s not that left field.

Not sure what you mean by partners don't sit with the bridal party?

I worked as a wedding planner for 12 years and now have my own photography business. I've been involved in plenty of weddings where partners sit with partners.

Are you living together or is it a relationship where you both have your separate houses and finances?

If you are seeing someone for a while (even a couple of years) versus a more committed relationship, it could be that this isn’t welcome by the family.

I personally think it is rude regardless and you should be welcome. I think beware this sort of family. DH came into my family which has a few challenging relatives to be honest (for no good reason), and it takes a toll when family
doesn't approve.

I would re-think the relationship if you are living more separate lives.

I think the bride, who the op onlyb says she has 'met', should not be castigated for prioritising her late mother's family who are going to keenly feel their grief that day, over the wants of her dad's current squeeze.
No ring, no bring!

People go absolutely INSANE coming up to a wedding. I had my mothers SIL (who I barely know) call over to our house the night before and try to tell me how disgraceful it was that I never invited x and y (her extremely elderly neighbours/relatives) who I never even heard of and didn’t even know who they were? She went to town about it.

my own mother (who hates weddings) started inviting random people from ‘the bus’ and then several priests.

I would talk to the bride, if she wants you there, then go and f*ck the begrudgers. What if 2 people don’t want you there and 158 do want you there?

Go and enjoy it.

How is it her dads squeezes wants? She was invited so clearly the bride wanted her there. Imo anyone who tries to issue ultimatums and throws their weight around regarding the gues list at someone else's wedding is instantly trash and shouldn't be prioritised by anyone.

I'm sorry @Oscarcleo this would break my heart. What is next, if they were to have children you can't go to the Christening, birthdays, graduations?

Honestly I'd probably book a lovely indulgent weekend away. Please look after yourself and your heart 🌺

Go, accept the invitation.

Don't be near your partner or the bride until the wedding is over.
The relatives will not know you.
At the reception just have a nice time and leave space for partner to host.
Join him for dancing once the speeches are over.

It’s still going to be hard for the grandparents to sit there knowing their daughter is missing the wedding. The day will be bittersweet. Your presence will make it even harder and you are only attending as a named plus one.

Sitting this one out with grace won’t hurt you.

Have you ever lost a child?

Gosh :(. Just the fact that they are both willing to leave you out of this at all is grounds for getting out of the relationship I think. If the bride wanted you there, you would be there and if your dp had any respect for you he would be questioning what on earth the bride was thinking.

The bride has lost her MOTHER. It’s her wedding. She decides.

But surely you’ve been in many where they don’t? I’ve rarely seen them sit with partners, because the bridal party at most weddings I’ve gone to sit at a bridal table that seats 10-12, not 20?

I couldn’t get past the fact they agreed so readily and hurt you rather than stick up for your position. You are not the other woman fgs.
I am sorry it would be over for me. I couldn’t have a partner so quick to toss me aside .

Five years is a current squeeze?

The bride hasn’t lost a child.

losing a child doesn’t mean that you can act badly and upset everyone 48 hours ahead of a wedding. Nor does it mean you san always get your own way on everything.

the family sound insane

What has that got to do with the Bride and Grooms wedding, the wedding is about them not the OP, if they change their mind that is their business no one elses

the OP does not have to like it and can divorce/seperate from the partner if they like but they can do nothing about it, it is not their wedding

Whoops sorry I didn’t read your headline. I think your partner should have supported you and discussed this with his daughter. The two of them are those who should have decided not relatives who mourn the loss of his late wife but are not being reasonable. I am sorry you’ve been put in this position.

I think the wife's family are being totally unreasonable, it's the bride's day and I'm sure she'll miss her mother terribly on that day - she did not need the family's emotions piled on top to her. They have overstepped and what is done is done, they've made it all about them and not the bride and groom - shame on them.