Partner has told me today that I cannot go to his daughter’s wedding on Saturday

[Oscarcleo]

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. He’s a widow - wife died 9 years ago and he’s brought up only daughter on his own ever since. I’ve met daughter ( we get on), groom, groom’s family, friends etc who’ll all be at the wedding. Wife’s relatives live a long way away and about 30 of them will be travelling to the wedding. As they live a long way away I haven’t met them yet.
Apparently yesterday evening some of the relatives told my partner/bride that they don’t want me at the wedding as wife isn’t there. It’s really upset my partner/ bride and I’m utterly distraught at this stage to be told I can’t go. It’s a big wedding that’s been planned for 18 months. I have been very careful to not be replacing wife’ s position at the wedding- agreed to not sit with him for ceremony or at the reception.
We’re really happy together but after this I’m not sure I can carry on with the relationship as it will be always hanging over us that I was banned from the wedding. AIBU? Any words of wisdom to help me get through this?

100%

Surely if the bride's mother's family are upset by the fact that dad has 'replaced' her, they wouldn't want to be there. Personally, I wouldn't be able get past this. OP's feelings are just as important as those of a bunch of aunts/cousins/whatevers.

I wonder if there will be an empty seat at the top table and maybe a large photo of her late mother sitting on it?

The OP isn't someone he picked up in a bar on Monday, she's been in his life for 5 years! I feel sorry for the father, rock and hard place springs to mind. His former in-laws are being very petty.

Going against the flow here, if you're this distraught about not going to a wedding (I'd be happy I got to get out of it!) then it's a worry. You've been with him only 5 years, not married, barely a partner and it's understandable his wife's family would feel like that. They may feel you're over-stepping boundaries here. I honestly don't blame them for that. I think you need to get a grip if not attending a wedding bothers you to this extent, as saying
but after this I’m not sure I can carry on with the relationship
That is really overwrought and dramatic, and sounds a little selfish to me. Quite over the top.

Take it as a relief; have the day to yourself, movie day by yourself, spa day etc. Kick it up in peace and quiet. It's one day, and it really should not impact on your relationship this much unless you feel insecure in the relationship.

The daughter clearly doesn’t want you there too, or she would insist if it really mattered to her. Her relationship with her late mums family sounds like a stronger one than she has with you. Maybe having them there is more important to her. It will be a very emotional day for her with not having her mum there.

How is she being selfish for reconsidering a relationship with someone who has evidently not advocated for her? It is not selfish to have boundaries where you are being treated with such blatant disrespect. And no but a bereavement is not a valid reason to treat people like shit.

Also can't understand why you would describe someone you've been with for 5 years as 'barely a partner' unless you have serious commitment issues.

Well said Shetland 👌🏻

OP I think you have been treated very unfairly, and as per PP I would not let this stand as a precedent for how you are treated going forward, after a five year relationship and with nine years having passed since your partner’s bereavement it is not reasonable for his wife’s family to interfere like this.

You have been extremely respectful and were happy to attend as a guest and not sit at the top table. My DH and I were both widowed when we met, and we both had former in laws who had been difficult in the past, but as soon it was apparent we were in a serious relationship that was respected and we were welcomed to all family events as a couple.

I think they have been both rude and very unkind to force this awful situation so close to the wedding. I am not sure what you can do, but DP and his DD should have stood up for you and I totally understand you feeling that your relationship is under threat.

I hope it can be resolved.

She hasn't had a close relationship with her for five years. She just says she's "met her". Definitely not akin to a stepdaughter/stepmother relationship at all.

PP is not being picky; they are correcting a misrepresentation of the OP.

Your partner and his daughter (and her DH to be) need to use their words and tell them to back the heck off and that of course you are welcome at the wedding.

Making the wedding all about herself and throwing a tantrum just because she isn't invited to someone else's wedding (who she only says she's 'met' - not, that she has any relationship with) is selfish. If going to some wedding matters so much to her, more than her relationship with her partner, that's silly. It's someone else's wedding. That's all. That's it. She should respect her partner's family's wishes and not make it all about herself. Respect their boundaries.

I'd say after 5 years together not being married might equate to 'commitment issues', personally.

The wedding is around 48 hours away so OP has to make a decision. Personally I would not come between the bride and her flesh and blood family that are important to the bride. OP needs to work out if she can put aside her disappointment or if she is going to cause a wedge with bride and bride's own family. It won't be a good look imo if she forces her way in and causes ill will. This is a time where she needs to place bride and bride's mother's family before herself and not put so much importance on this one day.

I think 5 years constitutes being in a serious relationship.

Anyways regardless of the length of relationship it is not up to any guest to tell the bride who can and cant be there.

Honestly I would be hurt that I was being so easily cast aside because of this.

I would absolutely expect them to still hold a flame for the dead wife but they are no longer here and therefore the new partner should go to such events with him And dead wife's family should as much as it's hards except that he has found a new partner who won't replace dead wife but will bring him happiness and peace going forward.

Sounds to me (dh's family are bloody awful) that dh is just trying to make his daughter's wedding as easy on everyone as possible. Except you obviously and I absolutely feel for you. It wouldn't be a deal breaker for me.

I find it very easy to belive, this is the kind of stunt the maternal side of my family would pull. They thrive on drama and by turning up and suddenly announcing it the bride & OPs DP either go along or all hell will break loose.

When my DF died my mums family were told in no uncertain terms only 3 people (my mums brothers) were welcome, but others turned up from the other end of the country just to say fuck you you can’t stop us from coming.

It dosnt matter what happens now, how the bride and OPs DP handle it, the toxic relatives have achieved their goal, they have made it all about them what ever the outcome.

Are you suggesting OP go to the wedding but pretend to be a friend or work colleague or something rather than the Father of the Brides partner? I think in OP's shoes I would find it more insulting to have my partner of 5 years treat me like a stranger at his Daughter's wedding than to be uninvited.

The family members are out of line and ideally the bride would have shut them down without even bringing her dad into it, but it's probably an unexpected complication she was not prepared to deal with on top of everything else going on.

If she has made the decision to disinvite you I'd expect your partner to push back, but ultimately he has to respect her decision. I wouldn't expect him to skip his daughter's wedding because of this, as the wedding is more important to her and to him (and to the bride's mother's relatives) than to you. If it's your partner who has decided to disinvite you, I'd be much more uncomfortable with that and would want to discuss it very thoroughly with him to understand the reasons.

Ultimately, I wouldn't mind that much bowing out to avoid extreme unpleasantness at the wedding (if that's likely), but I'd want to understand what led my partner to give in to bullying rather than supporting me so I can gauge whether it's likely to be an ongoing problem.

Expressing hurt at being disinvited from a wedding two days before it happens is not 'throwing a tantrum.' And the OP has not given any indication that she's just going to arrive at the event having been told not to. What you're dismissing as 'some wedding' has effectively been manipulated by the bride, partner and brides family to scorn the OP. It is not 'making it about herself' for the OP to be upset and angered by this especially as she has likely planned for it, bought an outfit and a gift for the couple.

This family sounds awful, bigoted and frankly not awfully bright. Would make me look at partner in a different way. Is he happy to associate with them? If yes, then it would give me the ick.

Has anyone suggested a Spa day yet!

FFs

@FlakyCritic has 🙄

If they've never met you, surely you could be there and they don't need to know who you are. You could be the bride's friend for all they know.

It's terrible that this has happened, I'm disappointed for you that the bride and your partner haven't made it clear to them that they want you there. I'm not sure why they are going along with this, it should be the bride's decision, not theirs.

Weddings are open to the public in the UK, so no one can actually stop you from being there.

I don't normally correct people but "late wife" or "brides mother" is a much nicer way to say it than "dead wife"