Ok yo become a Dad to a newborn at 57?

[WaterBed]

Apart from being desperate to crack the joke

“i really hope so - I only live at 55”

in all seriousness - I personally think it’s fine to be a Dad age 57 when your OH has a newborn. Any thoughts ?

To that and all your other comments I'd say that you are giving individual examples and extrapolating that as if that would apply to everyone who had a child at 57 or 60, whereas of course it won't. In general, it's not beneficial for a child to have a parent who would normally be the age of a grandparent and who is likely to die or become infirm before the child has married or had children of their own. Surely you can see that.

Nope, I haven't twisted anything, I asked you questions.

You want to have a baby with a near-sixty-year-old?

Why? You’ll both wind up caring for him before too long, however ‘lean and fresh faced’ you think he is now.

I can't speak for all old people but for my own parents who are in their early 60s, the ageing was really disproportionate when they hit 60/early 60s. They seemed so normal and young and sprightly still in their 50s, then suddenly in the next half decade they seemed to age rapidly and noticeably. Still active physically and mentally, but they are now old people to me no doubt, you really see the toll age takes now.

Also I'm a young person (well... relatively... we all feel younger than we are I guess) and like everyone else, still struggling with adulthood, life, work, my family planning, etc. It's been really nice to have my parents to lean on or just to know they're there throughout my young adulthood. I wouldn't want to be an orphaned young adult (or even teenager), or to be saddled with taking care of my ageing parents early on, especially when everyone around me will have active and loving parents.

I have (actually had) that special bond with my grandparents though 😭 he sounds like a substitute grandpa for her.

And you just talk about what she does for him - gives him a new lease of life, keeps him feeling young. What about vice versa? Obviously there's a lot of love but this sounds sad to me. She sounds like she will have a lonely young adulthood. I was so so sad to see my grandparents ageing and dying in my 20s, I can't even imagine if it were my parents.

And I don't know how her childhood went but I imagine a lot of compromise on her end because no 70 year old is going to be able to do things a younger parent can.

I don't mean to rag on your grandpa's story - again I know there is a lot of love - but the bond between young and old you describe sounds like it should be for grandparents/grandchildren

Whilst he might feel fit and well at 57, by 58 he'll have a baby who's waking several times a night. Then at 59 a toddler with no off button. Then a pre-schooler at 60. Starting school life at 62. Starting secondary school at 69. Teenage years at gone 70. GCSEs at 74 and A levels at 76

Parenting is HARD at any age. Sadly none of us know what life holds in store for us. The child will be the kid with a dad old enough to be his grandad.

Becoming a father at that age is selfish I think. You KNOW the chances of remaining fit and well are low. Your chances of being alive much into their adulthood is tiny.

11 pages in, thank you for clarifying that this is a hypothetical baby and not a newborn - your original post did not make much sense.

I don't see why you have to know. If your opinion is objective, it wouldn't matter. I like posts with little personal info. People here like to take stances arbitrarily, often to have a dig at OP or a dig at men, so it's nice to see objective opinions. Of course this particular scenario invites quite a universal response no matter what, I think.

There was no context for the question being posed:

Was the OP the 57 year old father asking for opinions - or the mother?

Was the "newborn" already born or was a pregnancy being planned?

What did the stuff about 55 mean?

Read the thread - I was not the only one who struggled to make sense of the OP's post.

I read the whole thread. Apart from the lame joke I had no problem understanding the question asked. Your first question is immaterial if one is planning to answer objectively.

My dad was a few days off 60 when I was born. Obviously my mum was much younger. I'm not aware of any previous children either. He died when i was 6 so I don't remember much about it all. My grandad (maternal) found it odd because they were at school together.

Your mum married her father's classmate? 😲

Thanks that’s the thing - on mumsnet I’ve always felt this that’s why I wanted objective answers!

i think the joke is the numbers were taken to be house numbers not ages. Took me a while to work out

You know what, I think it's really selfish, man or woman, to have a child when you're that much older.

But when I said that when Victoria Coren had a baby at 51 the majority vote was that it was "none of my business" and that anyone could die at any time.

My personal ceiling is 45ish. Yes I think you're too old.

No we have no children. Sure you're right about the lack of sleep!

But is that more or less selfish than having a baby when you're poor/ in insecure housing/ disabled?

Pretty much identical to my experience which I detailed earlier.

We had financial security because DH was at the end of his career. He retired when the DCs were 3 and 1 and was / is very hands on. He has a terrific relationship with them and for 10 years or so was the SAHP.

I am 'mostly retired' in that my ill health has forced me out of full time work and I pick up bits and pieces here and there. I am 20 years younger but quite frail. In comparison the Dcs schedule with their dad this half term is - swimming tomorrow and Tuesday. and helping DS1 practice for his DoF E bronze award by alternating shorter and longer hikes every day. DH is fit- he goes to the gym 3 days a week, and although he no longer runs marathons (slowly!) for fun he does do a couple of half marathons each year. He also sails competitively. I am physically not able to do those sorts of things so 'my thing' with the Dcs is cinema, theatre etc.

Its very much a case by case basis. But as i said earlier- the reality of life is that people are not neatly packaged according to some sort of plan and their lives are not neatly packaged.

People have been scathing and sometimes nasty on this thread. But I am not going to apologise for my life and I am pretty thankful for my life. Thankfully happy, financially solvent and blessed with a lovely DH and 2 wonderful children. I never thought I'd be as lucky as this tbh!

This is lovely to hear! I’m assuming (please correct me if I’m wrong) that your Grandad is relatively well off if he can afford to travel around the world with his daughter. Was he able to give the same time, attention and money to his other children? How do they feel about him having a much younger partner?

I don't think you succeeded though 😅 You sounded like a man in your OP and from the responses on the first page addressing you as a man, it seems quite a few people responded more harshly than they otherwise would.

I personally think it is cruel to the child but people might have more measured opinions if they knew you were a woman. With our ageing society and much later birth years (obviously not 60 though), as well as considering factors like better financial stability and more time to spend with the child in the day, I would genuinely be interested in any discussion around this.

@RubyExpertpretty much. There were a couple of years between them. Grandads sister was my dads age.

I don’t agree.

My dad was 42 when I was born so an older dad for the early 1970s. He had his youngest child at 60. His wife (my stepmum) was 37. Dad died aged 88 so my youngest sibling was 28.

Dad was very young for his age and kept very active. My youngest sibling was get siblings didn’t miss out having an older dad and were adults when died.

I don't know I haven't worked out my Scale for Selfishness yet.

Do I think financial stability and a home is important when considering having a child? Yes of course.

Disability I'm not commenting on because it's impossible to quantify. Too many variables. I will say I think it's certainly less selfish to consider not having children if you know you are too unwell to be a good parent to them.

There was an older mum at school with a severely autistic son - would never live independently had one to one Dd was terrified of him. She said her older Dh had wanted a child she was reluctant but did for his sake. He bailed when the extent of the issues his had son emerged so she was left as the sole parent. Absolute nightmare.

I’d imagine most people would be fit, mobile and well at 60. Most 60 year olds are working!

True. Except on MN where they all retire at 52 with gold plated pensions!