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AIBU?

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Original poster

Upset with friends behaviour on my hen do

524 replies

KelH93 · 22/05/2025 14:45

I’ve recently returned from my hen weekend. It was generally a lovely time but the behaviour of one of my friends has left a sour taste and I don’t really know how to handle things now.

I will try to summarise the main things but basically, she appeared in a mood for the majority of the weekend and this was picked up on by others.

-Moaning about the standard of accommodation (it was a 4 star hotel which everyone else was happy with - more than done the job)

-Unhappy with one of the restaurant choices - repeatedly moaning about it in advance (she still found something to eat)

-One of my friends had a drunken ‘fumble’ with someone on the first night. My friend spent the following days lunch lecturing her and telling her that she must be unhappy in her relationship and asking how she’ll cope with the guilt. Just really unnecessary and made my friend very uncomfortable.

-Telling me repeatedly that getting married means I will be saying goodbye to my sex life (she has never been married herself!)

-We all had bikini bottoms which spelt out a message with the intention of getting a photo and she refused to be in it as she didn’t feel body confident (she knew in advance this was going to happen).

I didn’t say anything to her whilst away and I asked my other friends to be diplomatic as I didn’t want a big row to ruin the weekend.

Now we are home, I feel like I should say something but I’m struggling with how to approach it. Do you think I should just leave it or am I right to bring it up? Obviously it risks a row…

OP posts:
WayneEyre · 22/05/2025 19:22

FanofLeaves · 22/05/2025 18:27

But so what? Unless my friend was seeking my advice or crying on my shoulder about a drunken transgression with another man I’d assume she knew what she was doing and it’s now her problem to reconcile her own feelings with going forward. How other people conduct themselves in their own relationships is just not my business and is separate to our friendship to unless they seek me out to make it otherwise and ask for my honest thoughts. I wouldn’t get all Aunt Lydia on her and create an atmosphere by judging her and making her feel worse. And if I didn’t even know the woman involved and had only met her on a hen do I happened to be on I’d have even less cause to pass comment.

Edited
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If the cheater's husband will be present at the wedding she's put everyone in a position. In fact she's put everyone in a position nonetheless. That's not to say they're duty bound to tell him or berate her but it certainly wasn't a jolly jape that people were obliged to find funny.

That plus mandatory arse pics are two fairly sketchy aspects of the party.

ToWhitToWhoo · 22/05/2025 19:22

YANBU about the constant moaning about the hotel and the accommodation.

About the other friend's drunken fumble: well, I wouldn't have liked to see it, especially if I knew her partner; and frankly it would have reduced my respect for her. But probably U of moody friend to keep lecturing her in front of everyone else.

But about the bikini bottoms- YABVVU! Fine for you to do it. if it's what you enjoy, but not to pressurize others if they feel uncomfortable about joining in.

Richiewoo · 22/05/2025 19:34

She's jealous. I agree with her about the bikini shots

TheAutumnCrow · 22/05/2025 19:46

Hillarious · 22/05/2025 17:38

I’d not say anything on this occasion. Just ensure you don’t invite her to your next hen party.

Ooh, is that what the young people of today call a ‘burn? Or is it ‘shade’?

MightAsWellBeGretel · 22/05/2025 19:47

eustoitnow · 22/05/2025 14:56

I wouldn’t have been happy with someone cheating on their other half either and the bikini bottoms photo id also find tacky
TBH I think you are being overly precious

Same.

I'm imagining a parallel MN post complaining about a tacky hen do where people got so shitfaced they cheated on their partners and the hen wanted them to wear bikinis with something emblazoned across their arses.

It sounds like she found it all a bit grubby and sordid, including the hotel and restaurant choices.

BeJollyEagle · 22/05/2025 19:52

MightAsWellBeGretel · 22/05/2025 19:47

Same.

I'm imagining a parallel MN post complaining about a tacky hen do where people got so shitfaced they cheated on their partners and the hen wanted them to wear bikinis with something emblazoned across their arses.

It sounds like she found it all a bit grubby and sordid, including the hotel and restaurant choices.

Edited
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Exactly this

Lrichy13 · 22/05/2025 19:55

I personally wouldn’t have been happy a friend cheated on my hen, it’s not morally right and it’s putting everyone in a position to keep the secret. If she didn’t feel comfortable about the bottoms she should have said before hand. I think it sounds a bit much to argue about now. I prob would have addressed the dinner comments and hotel comments at the time.

Gymrabbit · 22/05/2025 19:55

I don’t get how the OP and this woman are friends?
the other person has morals, isn’t tacky and seems quite straight laced.

The OP thinks cheating isn’t a problem (I know it’s mean but I really hope the groom had a little fumble on his stag since isn’t a big deal apparently),arse bikini photos are the height of fun and older women are saggy.

I just don’t get how they were ever compatible.

CalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 22/05/2025 19:57

She’s right to opt out of having her arse photographed in a bikini, and probably to be a bit judgy about the person in a relationship having a fumble with someone else. The hotel and the meal stuff is a bit moany but if she’s been asked to pay for a 4* hotel and restaurant that aren’t of her choosing and they aren’t all that great, maybe it’s understandable. The sex life things sounds like a touch of jealousy masquerading as jokes. It’s not great but it’s not really terrible conduct imo.

CapitalAtRisk · 22/05/2025 20:01

Gymrabbit · 22/05/2025 19:55

I don’t get how the OP and this woman are friends?
the other person has morals, isn’t tacky and seems quite straight laced.

The OP thinks cheating isn’t a problem (I know it’s mean but I really hope the groom had a little fumble on his stag since isn’t a big deal apparently),arse bikini photos are the height of fun and older women are saggy.

I just don’t get how they were ever compatible.

It's totally fine if he wasn't sharing a room, therefore didn't keep anyone awake with his shagging fumbling!

Dingalingalong · 22/05/2025 20:09

KelH93 · 22/05/2025 15:52

I appreciate the bikini sentiment but we’re a bunch of late 20’s/early 30’s women. We’d probably have felt differently and not done it if we were middle aged and all saggy after multiple kids etc!

I feel like the point is being missed.

Wow.

I feel personally attacked and frankly shit about my body, after this. Then you preach "body confidence" 😒

alcoholnightmare · 22/05/2025 20:10

Your friend who stood up for herself and the friends partner/husband at home who’d been cheated on appears to have been the only classy person on this trip.
I hope she drops the lot of you.

How would you feel if your fiancé had a fumble on his stag weekend?

Dingalingalong · 22/05/2025 20:13

KelH93 · 22/05/2025 17:34

I haven’t downplayed it, and there was no ‘shagging’ involved

Show quote history

It's not because there's no penetrative sex that it isn't cheating. Cheating can take many forms.
I'd check out of the friend group too if that had happened and was tolerated by others. Specially if I'd known that woman's partner (bot sur if that's the case here?)

Maybethisallthereis · 22/05/2025 20:14

She sounds like a twat.
The hen was about you not her!
Moaning would have annoyed me, I’d have said please stop moaning- we are here now!
Re your friend having a fumble, I don’t approve but wouldn’t have told her, it’s not my issue.
I’d have done the bikini thing- 38 and like my body.
Fair enough if she didn’t but she said she was happy with it and as you say wore a thong, even I don’t wear a thong on holiday and like how I look 😂

Id probably distance myself from her if I were you…

TheAutumnCrow · 22/05/2025 20:14

How much did this ‘abroad hen’ cost your friends each? Did they pay for you too, OP? Who sprung for the glittery bikinis?

Just wondering about levels of potential resentment and compulsory fun, really.

BunnyLake · 22/05/2025 20:18

KelH93 · 22/05/2025 15:58

I should point out re. the ‘drunken fumble’. The two friends know each other but are not ultra close. Which is why it felt more awkward than a really close friend telling a couple of home truths if that makes sense.

They weren’t sharing a room either so it’s not like she had any disturbed sleep!

What is the status of your fumbling friend’s relationship back home? Is it a two week long on-line date or is it a serious committed, long term relationship?

The reason I ask is because if it’s the latter I think you’re mad at the wrong friend. If it is a long term relationship can you really look him in the eye knowing he was cheated on?

BunnyLake · 22/05/2025 20:22

KelH93 · 22/05/2025 17:34

I haven’t downplayed it, and there was no ‘shagging’ involved

Show quote history

You said because the two women weren’t sharing a bedroom grumpy friend wasn’t disturbed. Would you be happy if your fiancé took a woman to his bedroom to have a ‘fumble’?

ExercicenformedeZ · 22/05/2025 20:23

I'd be more likely to drop the cheating friend than the friend who called her out. I wouldn't be friends with someone like that.

ChocolatesAndRainbows · 22/05/2025 20:24

She sounds like she’s incredibly jealous and tried her best to sabotage.

the bikini bottoms would have been 💯 no from me too…cringe

arcticpandas · 22/05/2025 20:33

So the woman had paid to go on a hen for your sake @KelH93 . Maybe it was too expensive for her but she made an effort for you. Then she found the hotel grim and the food disgusting and friends without morals and she was ostracised for not putting her bottom out for a photo shoot. I'm team friend.

MNdrama · 22/05/2025 20:34

Teanbiscuits33 · 22/05/2025 18:19

She hasn’t said she’d been fine with being cheated on or that she was fine with her friend cheating but her friend is a bloody adult with her own free will. Besides telling her she’s out of order, what is OP supposed to do about someone else’s choices?

The moany friend should also keep out of it as it’s nothing to do with her. It’s one thing telling her how wrong it was once, it’s another to keep repeatedly bringing it up and lecturing a grown woman whom she isn’t even especially close with. I don’t know why she thinks it’s her moral obligation to drum it in. She needs to learn to mind her own business a bit more. Life is much better when people keep out of things that don’t concern them.

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Not sure why some of you seem to think it's a case of simply lecturing her

Probably far more likely to be something like "are you going to tell your partner, or break up with them?", "if not, are we just expected to effectively cover up for you when we're all at the wedding?", etc etc

JustSawJohnny · 22/05/2025 20:35

All a bit dramatic and your 'fumbling' friend deserved to be called out.

Gross.

MNdrama · 22/05/2025 20:37

On that note, would really love to know...

Were they simply lecturing the "fumbler" on how they think cheating's inherently wrong, or were they calling them out on how awkward/uncomfortable it will be at the wedding if they don't tell their partner?

Seems a pretty important distinction

Teanbiscuits33 · 22/05/2025 20:39

MNdrama · 22/05/2025 20:34

Not sure why some of you seem to think it's a case of simply lecturing her

Probably far more likely to be something like "are you going to tell your partner, or break up with them?", "if not, are we just expected to effectively cover up for you when we're all at the wedding?", etc etc

Show quote history

‘’lecturing her’’ were OP’s words, and to be honest, either way, if I was the fumbling friend I’d find that bloody annoying to be asked intrusive personal questions by someone who had no business asking since we weren’t close, and I’d tell the nosey cow to fuck off. Not that I would cheat in the first place, but anything personal that had nothing to do with her would be met with the same response.

ZoeCM · 22/05/2025 20:39

Todayisaday · 22/05/2025 16:20

A hard no at my bottom being photgraphed for instagram. Late 20s you don't want this kind of thing being shared online and jeopardising your professional life. Probably the reality of it made her think twice once she was there. It might have sounded ok in a group chat months before hand.

Exactly. You don't want a photo like that to show up when a client/patient/whatever Googles you!