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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upset with friends behaviour on my hen do

524 replies

KelH93 · 22/05/2025 14:45

I’ve recently returned from my hen weekend. It was generally a lovely time but the behaviour of one of my friends has left a sour taste and I don’t really know how to handle things now.

I will try to summarise the main things but basically, she appeared in a mood for the majority of the weekend and this was picked up on by others.

-Moaning about the standard of accommodation (it was a 4 star hotel which everyone else was happy with - more than done the job)

-Unhappy with one of the restaurant choices - repeatedly moaning about it in advance (she still found something to eat)

-One of my friends had a drunken ‘fumble’ with someone on the first night. My friend spent the following days lunch lecturing her and telling her that she must be unhappy in her relationship and asking how she’ll cope with the guilt. Just really unnecessary and made my friend very uncomfortable.

-Telling me repeatedly that getting married means I will be saying goodbye to my sex life (she has never been married herself!)

-We all had bikini bottoms which spelt out a message with the intention of getting a photo and she refused to be in it as she didn’t feel body confident (she knew in advance this was going to happen).

I didn’t say anything to her whilst away and I asked my other friends to be diplomatic as I didn’t want a big row to ruin the weekend.

Now we are home, I feel like I should say something but I’m struggling with how to approach it. Do you think I should just leave it or am I right to bring it up? Obviously it risks a row…

OP posts:
CapitalAtRisk · 22/05/2025 18:30

FanofLeaves · 22/05/2025 18:27

But so what? Unless my friend was seeking my advice or crying on my shoulder about a drunken transgression with another man I’d assume she knew what she was doing and it’s now her problem to reconcile her own feelings with going forward. How other people conduct themselves in their own relationships is just not my business and is separate to our friendship to unless they seek me out to make it otherwise and ask for my honest thoughts. I wouldn’t get all Aunt Lydia on her and create an atmosphere by judging her and making her feel worse. And if I didn’t even know the woman involved and had only met her on a hen do I happened to be on I’d have even less cause to pass comment.

Edited
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They're all going to be at a wedding together. Soon.

ELMhouse · 22/05/2025 18:31

KelH93 · 22/05/2025 17:17

I thought we left calling women slags for having partners in the last decade, I guess I was wrong 🙄

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I think that when you have insulted women of a certain age & who have kids with the saggy arses comment really was the low point so not sure you’ve got a leg to stand on here (also I’m 42 with three kids and have a cracking arse)!
At your ages’ baring your bum is tacky (you aren’t 19), and having careers should be important to some of you and it’s not a great look (hen do or no hen do), for perspective employers. So in reality even ‘parading about’ as you put it in a thong bikini of her choosing is one thing and when push came to shove a photo of her bum may not have been something she felt she wanted to do in the end!

but that’s just me being boring I guess! However I think the crutch of what you’ve said is downplaying friend cheating by calling it a ‘fumble’!

I’m guessing your ‘moaning’ friend possibly realised that these are not the type of people she wants to associate with and probs got her back up

housethatbuiltme · 22/05/2025 18:33

Teanbiscuits33 · 22/05/2025 18:19

She hasn’t said she’d been fine with being cheated on or that she was fine with her friend cheating but her friend is a bloody adult with her own free will. Besides telling her she’s out of order, what is OP supposed to do about someone else’s choices?

The moany friend should also keep out of it as it’s nothing to do with her. It’s one thing telling her how wrong it was once, it’s another to keep repeatedly bringing it up and lecturing a grown woman whom she isn’t even especially close with. I don’t know why she thinks it’s her moral obligation to drum it in. She needs to learn to mind her own business a bit more. Life is much better when people keep out of things that don’t concern them.

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You don't have to give lecture but you should stop to consider the type of person you are associating with.

The kind of person who cheats also lack morals in other areas too. The person OP is moaning about was made uncomfortable and put in situations she shouldn't be put in by this person and has a right to refuse. A right to refuse to 'ignore it', a right to refuse to 'lie about it', a right to refuse to 'take part in ongoing activities', a right 'to complain at the position shes unwittingly in' and more.

The friend moaning has a right to though, she has been put in a position she did not consent to about keeping this random woman secrets and it ruined her holiday (which I bet she paid a lot of money for to be uncomfortable and bossed around).

FanofLeaves · 22/05/2025 18:33

CapitalAtRisk · 22/05/2025 18:30

They're all going to be at a wedding together. Soon.

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Yeah, perfect time to reveal all 🤣

But seriously grown adults can do what they like in their own relationships, it’s not for anyone else to judge really unless it affects them in some way or someone is being harmed in a way where it would be wrong to turn a blind eye.

Fruitbat99 · 22/05/2025 18:34

-We all had bikini bottoms which spelt out a message with the intention of getting a photo and she refused to be in it as she didn’t feel body confident (she knew in advance this was going to happen).

So you wanted to force her into it because she had prior warning?

Thats not how that works. And I've a feeling you're going to get a massive yabu because of this alone.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 22/05/2025 18:35

ChandrilanDiscoDroid · 22/05/2025 14:54

We all had bikini bottoms which spelt out a message with the intention of getting a photo

...you lost me there.

The point she is making is the friend was aware and seemed to be on board because she didn't say no or raise any concerns until it was time. She could easily have said nah I'm not comfortable doing that when they planned it but in this case it seems to be tied to her overall moodiness.

SpidersAreShitheads · 22/05/2025 18:37

KelH93 · 22/05/2025 17:17

I thought we left calling women slags for having partners in the last decade, I guess I was wrong 🙄

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And I thought calling women who've had kids "middle-aged and saggy" and implying that they'd be too old to enjoy wearing a bikini also something that we'd left behind, but here we are.

Teanbiscuits33 · 22/05/2025 18:39

housethatbuiltme · 22/05/2025 18:33

You don't have to give lecture but you should stop to consider the type of person you are associating with.

The kind of person who cheats also lack morals in other areas too. The person OP is moaning about was made uncomfortable and put in situations she shouldn't be put in by this person and has a right to refuse. A right to refuse to 'ignore it', a right to refuse to 'lie about it', a right to refuse to 'take part in ongoing activities', a right 'to complain at the position shes unwittingly in' and more.

The friend moaning has a right to though, she has been put in a position she did not consent to about keeping this random woman secrets and it ruined her holiday (which I bet she paid a lot of money for to be uncomfortable and bossed around).

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I agree with you the cheating woman is a shitbag and I’m not condoning it at all, but frankly, if I wasn’t particularly close with someone I wouldn’t give a shiny shit what she chose to do. I wouldn’t even feel as if I was keeping a secret because it’s not my burden to carry. It’s her choice and her problem. I’m going to get on with my life regardless.

VIOLETPUGH · 22/05/2025 18:46

If i was that friend, I would be more than happy not to mix with any of you again !

MrsJJ84 · 22/05/2025 18:46

KelH93 · 22/05/2025 15:52

I appreciate the bikini sentiment but we’re a bunch of late 20’s/early 30’s women. We’d probably have felt differently and not done it if we were middle aged and all saggy after multiple kids etc!

I feel like the point is being missed.

Oh my lord … read the room . Most of mumsnet is middle aged mums .. otherwise it would be called ‘latetwentiesnet’ I’ve had three kids I’m not saggy or overweight but your comment is rude .

EatingSleeping · 22/05/2025 18:46

KelH93 · 22/05/2025 17:17

I thought we left calling women slags for having partners in the last decade, I guess I was wrong 🙄

Show quote history

Well we also left calling middle aged people saggy in the last decide too so ....

FWIW I look better now middle aged and post kids than I did in my 20s but I wouldn't have wanted to do it then or now. Primarily because it's one thing to be in person in a bikini but having no control over the picture and where it goes is something else. Also it's pretty eugh to buy a single use bikini you can never wear again and presumably didnt choose

You're criticising your friend for being snippy and judgey it would seem (which it sounds she she was) but you sounds the same so maybe it's just normalised behaviour

CapitalAtRisk · 22/05/2025 18:47

Teanbiscuits33 · 22/05/2025 18:39

I agree with you the cheating woman is a shitbag and I’m not condoning it at all, but frankly, if I wasn’t particularly close with someone I wouldn’t give a shiny shit what she chose to do. I wouldn’t even feel as if I was keeping a secret because it’s not my burden to carry. It’s her choice and her problem. I’m going to get on with my life regardless.

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You make a good point. Hopefully the OP's friend will have a lovely chat with the partner of OP's cheating friend at the wedding, because as you say, that secret is not her burden to carry!

MrsJJ84 · 22/05/2025 18:49

You could be the most body confident person ever and still not want to do the photo on the grounds of it being cringe …

Todayisaday · 22/05/2025 18:55

Mumtobabyhavoc · 22/05/2025 16:44

I've yet to see a post about an away hen do that was amazing. It's always drama.

Because there is nothing to post about 😂
Went away on a hen, had a nice time, lovely hotel, well organised, everyone got on well and behaved like normal women on a weekend away, slightly sore heads on day 2, we all wore a silly hat on the night out and the barman asked for sallys number but she declined as shes married.
Is not really a post for AIBU 😂

SmoothRoads · 22/05/2025 18:59

Okay, so initially I was on OP's side, with the exception of the ass-messages on social media (tacky at any age) and the cheating friend, but the more posts I reads, the less sympathy I feel. OP and her friends sounds like a bunch of shallow, judgemental, immature people who lack integrity and who refuse to even try and understand why people are not okay with cheating (even if it wasn't intercourse) or who don't like putting their asses on Instagram (must be because they hate their bodies as the OP is expecting to do at "that age" 🙄). This level of immaturity will not be fixed with age, either. This is a personal choice.

I guess this hen-do was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Riaanna · 22/05/2025 19:02

KelH93 · 22/05/2025 15:52

I appreciate the bikini sentiment but we’re a bunch of late 20’s/early 30’s women. We’d probably have felt differently and not done it if we were middle aged and all saggy after multiple kids etc!

I feel like the point is being missed.

wow! That’s vile.

Riaanna · 22/05/2025 19:04

KelH93 · 22/05/2025 17:17

I thought we left calling women slags for having partners in the last decade, I guess I was wrong 🙄

Show quote history

I thought we were over making nasty comments about women’s bodies but here you are.

Didimum · 22/05/2025 19:05

This all sounds really trashy, whether you’re in your 20s or not. I would accept that your friend wasn’t into trash and that your hen do wasn’t enjoyable for some people.

Hysterectomynext · 22/05/2025 19:08

FanofLeaves · 22/05/2025 15:10

Parading 🤣

I bet she was flaunting

Starzinsky · 22/05/2025 19:11

Pressuring people to have photos in basically theirs pants is shame on you....and sounds like your cheating friend needed a good talking to.

StMarie4me · 22/05/2025 19:15

There always one who likes to loan about hotels/ restaurants etc. Let it go.
She was right to call out your married friend. And to swerve that godawful photo.
I think you’re just not compatible as friends.

Casperroonie · 22/05/2025 19:17

KelH93 · 22/05/2025 15:52

I appreciate the bikini sentiment but we’re a bunch of late 20’s/early 30’s women. We’d probably have felt differently and not done it if we were middle aged and all saggy after multiple kids etc!

I feel like the point is being missed.

Ugh, rude. I'm beginning to take your friend's side.

Persianpaws · 22/05/2025 19:19

Relaxd · 22/05/2025 15:43

AIBU that I want to know what was being spelt out and hoping it was ‘bride’ and that the friend was really kicked out rather than dropped out, for adding ‘zilla’ to her pair?

I think it was meant to be “BRIDE” but with OP’s friend dropping out it ended up saying “RIDE”.

It turns out one man thought this was an advert and this is how the friend ended up cheating.

Nancywilsontheendofourlove · 22/05/2025 19:20

Oh to be a fly on the wall at the reception once the drinks start to flow.

Lostworlds · 22/05/2025 19:21

I think I would just leave it and not say anything. Things happened that you weren’t happy about and she wasn’t happy about.
It’s down to personal choice about the bikini thing, wearing a thong bikini is different than having yourself posted on social media.
She wasn’t happy with your friend cheating on her partner, she voiced her opinion which is fair enough, if that made your friend uncomfortable then that’s what happens.
Moaning about a restaurant is annoying but honestly I would let it all go and move on.