To not invite distant friends husband to our wedding

[TeaDrinker1234]

I refer to her as a distant friend; although we used to be close and I was bridesmaid at her wedding 10 years ago. That being said, I have only seen her once in the last 18 months at a friends birthday party.

The last time my FH saw her husband, my FH was asking him to leave their family home at the request of my friend; due to the discovery that a "one night stand" her husband had with a colleague of theirs, actually turned out to be a longer affair.

After sending out the invitations my friend messaged me to ask whether her husband was invited to our wedding and, because I'm a coward; and we have already pissed off family (mainly our parents) by having an adult only wedding due to being on a budget, I told my friend that her husband was on the reserves list so I'd be able to confirm after the RSVP date. I did wonder whether she asked because she wanted to know if they needed to sort childcare but she never replied to my message and hasn't RSVP'd yet. She has also complained to friends that her husband is on the reserves list, so I don't think it's childcare related that she asked. I can't quite fathom why her husband would want to watch us get married. It is quite clear that I do not like him, nor does he like me.

Incidentally, We have also invited colleagues without a plus one, despite socializing more with them, again due to being on a budget and they seem to have understood and accepted the invitation without issue.

So was I compete twat (and unreasonable) for not inviting her husband to our wedding?

Shudder at the existence of a “reserves list”!

and we have already pissed off family (mainly our parents)

this sounds like it’s going to be a truly joyous day

if she even asked (unless you only properly asked her), it means she didn’t really expect you to invite him. I’d say message her back and say it doesn’t look like there’ll be room for him but you look forward to seeing her. Give you all a break from the drama too

Oh, I should clarify that was the "coward" bit, there isn't actually a reserves list! I just didn't want the confrontation the day that her message came throug, when when we'd already pissed off family by having an adults only wedding.

No problem not inviting him, but having a reserves list... that is mad.

Just seen your update. Don't be a coward, stand your ground, you have a blanket rule. Be strong in your decision and you don't feel guilty about not inviting him really. By being a little cowardly it has actually made you look bad.

What a helpful and lovely comment! 😘

I think married couples come as a set when you're sending out wedding invites. Yabu.

YABU. They’re still together, it’s poor form to ask someone to celebrate your marriage while excluding their spouse.

YABVU to tit around lying to her instead of just being honest that you don’t want him there. I’m not surprised she hasn’t replied.

YANBU

”Sorry friend, we’re not able to accommodate your husband, lots of friends are attending alone due to our restriction on numbers. Can’t wait to celebrate with you!”.

Years ago I was invited to a wedding without my DH and I emailed asking if he was invited as it was a long distance and overnight stay that I didn't want to do alone. She replied confirming it was just me invited and I went and was glad I did.

Its not about her husband wanting to see you get married, its just not fun for some to go to something alone if you don't know a lot of people there.

Her DH isn't invited and she knows so just see whether she RSVPs and stop overthinking it.

Yanbu to not invite the husband but I think that not inviting him is going to have a very negative effect on your friendship with the friend. Husband may not be bothered by watching you marry but may want a party with free alcohol to attend with his wife. Cost of attending a wedding is not high for a man (no hair, nails, outfit, fake tan considerations that women may have )

Yabu to say “reserve list “ The people laughing and commenting on that angle aren’t unreasonable in the slightest. It’s your wedding- not the Oscars where an empty seat would be noticeable on TV.

She has also complained to friends that her husband is on the reserves list,

and your friends have told you

seriously…. You have a pissed off “friend” bitching about you to other friends

you have a pissed off family, most of all… your parent

you are having to make up the existence of a reserve list

and you have only just sent the invites out

op…. I arranged my wedding in 10 weeks from engagement to ceremony. 40 of our absolute closest family and friends. It was the best day and I loved the planning.

id wipe the slate clean in your shoes and elope with people like this in your life

I can’t imagine what the hen party thread from the Op is going to be… but I suspect full of negative drama

You're right, I am laughing at myself for making such a ridiculous lie about having a reserves list; instead of just being open and honest with her. I just panicked in the moment and wanted to reply so it wasn't hanging over me as I had a lot of decisions to make that week. I'm not a natural at this wedding planning lark, in fact I'm finding it incredibly stressful and I can see now that I haven't helped myself with this particular scenario!

I’m lost with who’s who (FH?) but I’m not even sure why you’re inviting a friend. You haven’t seen her for 18 months and you clearly aren’t very close.

I agree with others who say married couples come as a set for weddings. If you can’t afford friends plus 1, you reduce the number of friends/family you invite.

You have seen her once in 18 months?

so after her husband left her, I’m guessing you weren’t very involved in supporting her?

Aren't you a little bundle of joy and happiness today! Your posts actually remind me of this friend and the reason we became distant...I should thank you though; you've just made me realize that the best thing to do would be to uninvite her.

Our parents are pissed off because they feel like we've done them out of a family gathering by not inviting all our nieces and nephews. None of our siblings are pissed off about it, they are all excited to a child free day.

The last time my FH saw her husband, my FH was asking him to leave their family home at the request of my friend; due to the discovery that a "one night stand" her husband had with a colleague of theirs, actually turned out to be a longer affair.

so you were actually present when she was confronting him about the affair and kicking him out?

Who is FH?

Aren't you a little bundle of joy and happiness today!

your wedding sounds like it’s going to be very joyous and happy!

oh to be a fly on the wall 😂

I was very involved in supporting her, hence why she asked my FH to request he leaves the home and why her husband doesn't like me. He never left her, he moved to his parents briefly then moved back in and I never passed comment either way, in fact I was very careful not to speak negatively about him.

I moved away and have been having fertility treatment so haven't been able to make it to our hometown during this time because we never know too far in advance when we need to be at the clinic.

Yes.

It will be 😍

Stop projecting.

I can’t believe you invited your friend without her husband. Then you further insulted her by saying he was on the “reserves” list.

They are married. It might not be a perfect marriage, but that is her decision. As long as she chooses to stay, you should have either invited them as a couple or simply not sent an invitation. Of course she is talking about it with her friends. She is hurt and needs support.

What is an FH?????? I've never seen this expression and I can't figure out the story without understanding it.

Nevertheless, in my opinion, you can't invite someone to your wedding without inviting their spouse. I think with boyfriends and girlfriends there's some room to maneuver, but spouses come as a set.