To not invite distant friends husband to our wedding

[TeaDrinker1234]

I refer to her as a distant friend; although we used to be close and I was bridesmaid at her wedding 10 years ago. That being said, I have only seen her once in the last 18 months at a friends birthday party.

The last time my FH saw her husband, my FH was asking him to leave their family home at the request of my friend; due to the discovery that a "one night stand" her husband had with a colleague of theirs, actually turned out to be a longer affair.

After sending out the invitations my friend messaged me to ask whether her husband was invited to our wedding and, because I'm a coward; and we have already pissed off family (mainly our parents) by having an adult only wedding due to being on a budget, I told my friend that her husband was on the reserves list so I'd be able to confirm after the RSVP date. I did wonder whether she asked because she wanted to know if they needed to sort childcare but she never replied to my message and hasn't RSVP'd yet. She has also complained to friends that her husband is on the reserves list, so I don't think it's childcare related that she asked. I can't quite fathom why her husband would want to watch us get married. It is quite clear that I do not like him, nor does he like me.

Incidentally, We have also invited colleagues without a plus one, despite socializing more with them, again due to being on a budget and they seem to have understood and accepted the invitation without issue.

So was I compete twat (and unreasonable) for not inviting her husband to our wedding?

"I told my friend that her husband was on the reserves list so I'd be able to confirm after the RSVP date"

That's an awful thing to say. Either he is invited or he isn't. I really can't believe that you are oblivious to how rude that is.

Yanbu for not inviting him but yabvu for giving that response.

Put us out of our misery OP

FH????

'Sorry friend, turns out we can't fit your husband in at the wedding because we don't want to It will be lovely to see you. Don't worry if you can't make it though'

FH future husband

Future husband, I assumed

I also assumed the reserve list was a lie from the start..

FH is wedding speak for future husband.

😁

Ofcourse it will be, ignore the snarky comments. You are not being unreasonable for not inviting her husband and I think you know that (it's quite obvious). But you're unreasonable for making up a lie about reserves list which you now regret. Anyway, just stay firm on him not coming and have a marvellous wedding !

So she is SO close to you she actually asks you )m(and your FH!!) to be present when she kicks out her husband

you then move away… what the next day?! That afternoon? And then see her once in 18 months?

oh I’m settling down for this one!

Yes, I should have clarified in the original post . never made up such a stupid lie in the first place! Mad how stress can cause us to do strange things 😂

She asked you and your FH to be present whilst she confronted her husband and kicked him out

so presumably you were very close to her?

i think it depends if she will know anyone else at the wedding and if any of the people she knows will be without plus 1.

If i was invited to a wedding where i didn't really know anyone well apart from the bride, i would not go without a plus 1 (DH).
If bride was, say, a school friend and there was going to be a group of other school friends there, i would generally be happy to go without DH essentially as part of that group. However, if they all had plus ones and i did not, i would have to think about the reason why DH was excluded. If i felt it was not legit, i probably would not go to show support for him unless he urged me to (which he probably would to be fair, and also i cant imagine anyone having a legit reason to exclude him).

Could you really just not write fiancé?

That's right, as I said in my OP we used to be very close. It came to light about the full extent of the affair when she was at mine. She asked FH to tell her husband to leave.

I moved away years after it happened and as such we became distant in the last 18 months. I don't see how this is so inconceivable to you.

Edited by MNHQ to prevent the OP being identified

You are uninviting her because she asked about her dh?

married couples are invited together. Always.

Yes, she knows a lot of people going and a lot of our mutual friends are coming alone due to child care but I see where people are coming from in terms of married couples come as a two, type thing.

FH= future husband before they got engaged, so not fiancé?

The Friend's husband was messily involved in a cheating scandal in front of you guys. This has understandably put you off him.

Fine. I I get it.

Has she forgiven him or invooyou further?

What a shit show.

You were reeling after your family not happily accepting your no kids rule so kicked it into the long grass with the 'reserves list' excuse rather than saying yes or no at the time. Understandable but she hasn't taken it graciously, she has gone around gossiping. Doesn't sound like those two need a telly at home.

How do you feel about him now the family stuff has calmed down? I don't think uninviting her is necessary as she was your bridesmaid.

You could either squeeze him in if she's moved on, and hope it's a fresh start or stick with your decision. No wrong answers. You just need to let her know. 'luckily have a space and would be glad to invite Barry' or 'i can confirm spaces and unfortunately there are no additional guests please RSVP'.

Involved you*

So the marriage broke down many years ago? And you and your FH were right in the eye of the storm.

Surely that is one heck of a connection. You must have been extensively involved in the aftermath. And yet it all fizzled out when you moved away and you now have seen her once in 18 months.

ok setting aside the fact that that to me is pretty unfathomable with a very very close friend, all this happened yonks ago. If she’s back with her husband, she’s back with her husband. End of.

How big is this wedding?

Well, it's your wedding so yanbu to invite whoever you like and exclude anyone that you don't want.

As long as you're happy to accept your friend's decision about whether or not she wants to attend on her own, it isn't an issue.

I would probably think a friend was a twat if they invited me to their wedding but not DH, but I would not express that view to anyone. Least of all the bride and groom!

She isn't a bridesmaid at our wedding, I was at hers years ago. Sorry for the confusion!

Thanks for such a reasonable reply. I'm feeling less stressed now as we have more booked and sorted. We've not left ourselves long to plan it so it's my own fault really!

Family stuff has settled and was never really a huge deal, as I said, the parents wanted a day with their grandkids and I just felt guilty because I would love a huge wedding with all our loved ones there but we don't have £50k to drop on one day, especially because the fertility treatment cost us so much.

If she doesn't RSVP then no issue, if she does then I'll be honest with her with some of the advice given here.

I’d say nothing else then you won’t put your foot in it. If she doesn’t come, so what?! You just get someone else of the reserve list. Oops - the mythical reserve list.

By the way, reserve lists are not uncommon now. People commit to X number of guests at vast amounts of money and they don’t want no shows. DD goes to lots of weddings and thinks she’s off the reserve list for one next month. I’d refuse - but she’s on holiday in the same area (booked by boyfriend’s family) so they are both going.

FFS just elope. Your mate is pissed. Her husband hates your STB husband. She isn’t even a close friend any more. Your parents are angry. What’s the point in “having your day with your closest family and friends” if it just makes everyone mad at you? Literally where is the joy? Just fuck off and get married and have a wonderful time the two of you.