To not invite distant friends husband to our wedding

[TeaDrinker1234]

I refer to her as a distant friend; although we used to be close and I was bridesmaid at her wedding 10 years ago. That being said, I have only seen her once in the last 18 months at a friends birthday party.

The last time my FH saw her husband, my FH was asking him to leave their family home at the request of my friend; due to the discovery that a "one night stand" her husband had with a colleague of theirs, actually turned out to be a longer affair.

After sending out the invitations my friend messaged me to ask whether her husband was invited to our wedding and, because I'm a coward; and we have already pissed off family (mainly our parents) by having an adult only wedding due to being on a budget, I told my friend that her husband was on the reserves list so I'd be able to confirm after the RSVP date. I did wonder whether she asked because she wanted to know if they needed to sort childcare but she never replied to my message and hasn't RSVP'd yet. She has also complained to friends that her husband is on the reserves list, so I don't think it's childcare related that she asked. I can't quite fathom why her husband would want to watch us get married. It is quite clear that I do not like him, nor does he like me.

Incidentally, We have also invited colleagues without a plus one, despite socializing more with them, again due to being on a budget and they seem to have understood and accepted the invitation without issue.

So was I compete twat (and unreasonable) for not inviting her husband to our wedding?

THIS. Thank you.

If you want her to come, you will make sure she has someone to talk to, ie her husband. Going to weddings of people you haven't seen in years on your own is a hideous experience.

It’s your wedding, you invite who you want there! Why would you want your friend’s cheating husband there? If she’s bitching behind your back I’d be pleased she’s not coming.
I hope you have a fantastic wedding day ❤️

I would invite long term partners and married couple even if I hadn’t met their other half. I would not invite casual girlfriend/boyfriends. I would not have ‘plus ones’ which allows anyone to come.
Reserves list is not something I would tell anyone about, and seems odd to have one half of a married couple on it.

I hear what you are saying, and appreciate your reply, thank you.

she is part of a group where there is a mix of singles, couples and part of a couple but only one is coming (either through their choice or that we don’t know their partner as it’s a new relationship)

me and her husband have never liked each other, even before the affair so it’s not about me judging her for working on their marriage. I actually quite admire her strength because I don’t know if I could do it!

After posting this I have realised it was probably an error inviting her given that we have drifted, so that’s a positive; I can decide whether to uninvite her or just be straight with her about her husband not being invited and accept that it may be the end of a friendship that was waining anyway.

and you’re absolutely right that I should have never made up the reserve list. As I’ve said before it’s so ridiculous, I can’t help but laugh at myself for saying it 🤣

Thank you 💗

This. If someone is invited to an event they should be made to feel welcome and wanted - making it clear that they are considered a 2nd-tier guest is in some ways worse than not sending an invitation at all.

If you didn't want to invite them both you shouldn't have invited her. It's extremely rude to invite half of a couple.

YABU - you ask both people in a couple to a wedding.

Glad that “reserve list” wasn’t a Bridezilla moment 😂

I agree with you that not inviting her in the first place would have probably been best. I know you were her bridesmaid a long time ago but you’ve drifted and there’s no friendship while she’s with her husband and he’s clearly staying regardless of what he does.

LOL, these are the exception rather than the rule 🤣

Agreed.

Same, yes or no should have been enough

I have never been to a wedding or even heard of a wedding where a married couple were subjected to only one of them being invited!

Of course circumstances may dictate that only one od them is available to come to the wedding such as work commitments, but not to invite a partner just seems unbelievably rude.

I've some sympathy in that for most people getting married it's the first time you've planned a large formal event and there is a lot to potentially get wrong. I hope everything else is more straightforward. Remember guests just want to be treated well, they won't care about things like how many flowers there are.

I too think you're unreasonable for inviting one half of a married couple. You say you've never liked her husband, but you managed to put that aside to be her bridesmaid and watch her marry him. You say the affair happened years ago. She's obviously moved on and not quit on her marriage, so it's not really up to you to be judge and jury here. If you don't want him there that badly then don't invite either of them.

I also don't get the bit about not inviting nieces and nephews because you're on such a tight budget, yet you've invited work colleagues. Maybe it's just me, but I'd put loved ones before someone I work with. I feel sad for a lot of todays young people that the first weddings they'll attend will be as adults because no-one wanted them there - at a family event - as children.

Are you going to check everyone hasn’t had an affair as they arrive at the venue? She doesn’t sound like a close friend anymore. ‘ Reserve list’ was awful worse than just saying there’s lots of couples I’ve only invited one half of.

I think you should have invited her with a plus one and left it to her to decide whether to bring her husband due because you’re not up to date on the current status of their marriage.

On the reserve list?? Cringe. Is that the new grabby poem in wedding etiquette. Not surprised she hasn't replied to your rude entitled thoughtless message.

It’s kind of rude not to invite someone’s husband the only exception is a friendship group or group of work colleagues where you don’t really know the partners as the group socialises without partners.

In this instance she will presumably either be alone and not really know anyone or with other mutual friends who will all have their partners there.

But if you really don’t like him stand your ground and she can choose to come or not. It may be the end of the friendship though.

Is it that common for affairs to happen?

You didn’t sleep well, did you? X