Stuck in middle of Adult DD’s

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I have 2 DD’s in their early 20’s who live at home (18month age gap). I’ve been a single mum to them since they were toddlers.

They saw their dad on weekends but they constantly bickered about that and fell over it in their teens with one refusing to visit (DD2) and the other (DD1) trying to make her change her mind.

They have a turbulent relationship and I always feel stuck in the middle. I am close to them both separately but they fight over my loyalty all the time and expect me to take sides. They also hide behind me from each other, passing messages instead of talking directly.

I try not to engage in this and encourage them to speak directly

In their teens they got jobs at the same place and made a group of friends. DD2 met her boyfriend, let’s call him A. In this big group of work friends DD2 and A fell out with some others including a boy called B. They allege boy B was a twat when he was drunk and DD2 was upset at all the gossip and teenage twatness, and the fall out when people took sides. DD2 and A left the workplace after this and still hold a grudge.

DD1 sort of took boy B’s side, stayed friends with him and eventually started dating him. DD2 is fuming that DD1 is dating this guy. She won’t allow him in our house as she says it makes her uncomfortable

Due to this I’ve barely met him and don’t know him. He seems ok, DD1 is fairly happy.

DD1 tries to sneak him around sometimes by asking me if he can come to the house. She’s an adult and I tell her to talk to her sister. When DD2 gets upset, DD1 just says ‘well mum said it was fine’ and blames me

DD2 is asking me to choose between her and DD1’s boyfriend. She wants me to ban him from our house. Obviously I choose DD2 in that black and white scenario but what about DD1, it’s her boyfriend so I’m really ring asked to choose between my own daughters.

if I tell DD1 her boyfriend is banned from the house then she is going to feel like I’ve chosen her sister over her. If I don’t tell DD1 he is banned, DD2 says like she feels I don’t respect her boundaries and she will move out and cut all contact

Ugh. Time for one or both to move out. You’ll likely all get along better when that happens.

You have already chosen DD2 by allowing her to be like this about DD1s boyfriend. Telling DD1 she must get permission from DD2 to bring her boyfriend around. That is unfair. It is your house not DD2s. I think you need to come down hard on both of your daughters to grow the fuck up honestly.

No way would I allow any of that behaviour in my house

I agree that it should not matter and it’s my house, I did give permission and it started WW3 off so I am back to square 1.

DD2 will not back down and DD1 is dismissive of why DD2 doesn’t like him in the first place

Can you get all 4 to sit down together and sort this out?

They don't have to like each other but they do need to be able to tolerate being in the same house!

No I can’t get them to sit down, and it’s been over a year now of this (dating) and it’s getting worse.

DD1 is very hurt she feels restricted and I agree it’s unfair, so I have been trying to reason with DD2. I did allow DD1 to have the boyfriend round and DD2 was home and that’s what’s started it off all over again.

DD2 says she should not be forced to be uncomfortable In her own home

DD1 says it’s been over 3 years since the original fall out, DD2 should get over it

I think the first poster nailed it in this case, time for them to move out.

I do think you need to make your DDs sit down together and talk about it, and if they won't tell them the situation is intolerable for you and they need to go.

They need to sort it out or move out.....

Time to be the bad guy in their eyes for both girls. Family meeting. Tell dds that you alone make the rules of who can and can not come to your house. You welcomed dd2's boyfriend and will do the same for dd1's boyfriend. People do stupid things when they are young, time to move on and accept her boyfriend.
They don't have to like each other, they do need to be civil.
Putting you in the middle is also to stop. They are adults.
If either girl can not be civil then they need to move out.
You need to step up, and if you don't this will only escalate, resentment will build and it will affect your family relationships.

How far did DD1's bf go? You say general twattiness, and that DD1 is dismissive of the reasons for dislike, but depending on what happened (was he abusive? Towards DD2 or others? Did she feel bullied by him?) I would not allow someone who has previously abused a family member into the family home where the family still lived.

Is DD2s boyfriend allowed in the house? If both girls are to stay living with you then i'd bring in blanket policies. If one wants to discriminate against the other then it happens to both. So if one wants to ban friends over, then neither get friends over.

Stop allowing them to hide behind you or talk through you. They are adults. you love them both equally and will not pick sides. They need to find a way to live in the house together. If they won't sit down together then send them an email or a whattsapp chat or whatever communication tool you have that they use and you outline how it is going to be going forward. You are their mother not their referee.

DD2 needs to move out and find her own place. By allowing her to dictate everything you could really damage your relationship with DD1. Fast forward to DD1 and B having a family do you want to be excluded from their lives because you sided with the unreasonable sister and her partner.
If DD2 cannot afford to move then remind her that the house is yours and if you say B can visit that is the end of it she does not get to dictate.

This is your house. Stand up for yourself and YOU threaten WW3 if they both don’t pipe down.
Tell them you will not have this conflict and to not speak to you about it; they have to sort it between themselves as adults. Refuse to speak to them about complaints about one another and tell them they can move out if they do not respect your rules about conflict.
Step right back.

No more passing messages! You have been co-opted into their war.

I agree with a pp, you're being a bit passive letting one daughter ban someone else from your home because of something they did as a teen, and you're almost encouraging them to argue when you say 'ask your sister', which implies she has the final say.

It does depend what the boy did in the past (eg if he raped someone then your sister is not unreasonable to say she doesn't want him in the house, and you should be banning him yourself). But assuming its not too bad and can be excused as a silly teen boy and he has grown up now, you need to sit them both down and say that it's your house, you get to ban or not ban and he is allowed. Agree some ground rules eg they each have a day where they can invite whoever to use the communal areas / have someone stay over etc agreed in advance so you'd daughter doesn't have to bump into someone she hates.

Also some ground rules about behaviour eg you will no longer be passing messages between them, there is to be no shouting or swearing (or whatever it is they do when they argue). Plenty of people have to love with housemates they're not keen on and get over it. See if there are common triggers like someone using someone's stuff, and figure out ways to avoid this eg cupboard each with locks

It's your house, they are adults living there because they're subsidised by you. Make that clear and if they don't like it, they are welcome to move into a flat share (where they will also have to put up with whatever partners or friends their flat mates bring home)

You can't improve their relationship but you can demand they treat each other and you / the house with respect

And you don’t reason with them: this is your house; you say what goes. No negotiation because “negotiations” have been in place for a year with no result.

This really depends on what B did, surely…?

Moving out time! Frankly, I’m surprised you haven’t boxed up their belongings and changed the locks. It’s sounds like a depressing way to live, like a very dull, ongoing episode of Game of Thrones with only three characters and no dragons…

Has DD2 said why he makes her uncomfortable?
She seems very subborn. However if she feels uncomfortable, then there must be more to that story that you dont know maybe?

Maybe a blanket ban on BFs in the house. So its fair all round. Then maybe when DD2 has a fella, she will realise its not fair

Il be honest me and my sister couldnt live under the same roof once we got older.....we butted heads.....we still do, even having our own places. She likes creating drama. I hate drama, so i retreat. Some siblings just dont agree or get on, unfortunately.

I think you are being very unfair to DD1. She has been with her boyfriend a year, so a reasonably serious relationship, and you are letting DD2 dictate the rules about where she sees him.
To me you have picked a favourite and DD1 may resent that in years to come.

They do need to find a way to live with this.

Fine, DD2 doesn't want to share her private space with him but he can come on Tuesdays and Thursdays (insert most appropriate days).

DD2 knows in advance he will be there and can choose to be elsewhere during this time.

If nothing else you need to get to know him to see for yourself if this is a relationship you should be concerned about or a teenage fall out all should leave in the past.

Set down some rules which are fair to both and refuse to engage in any complaints within these timeframes.

I agree there is context no one was sexually assaulted obviously I would be in a completely different situation and wouldn’t allow a criminal into my home or someone who had physically assaulted my daughter.

Everyone was drunk at a party and recollections seem to vary that B made some crude comments about my DD2 sort of behind her back. He was about 16/17 and in his peak twat era according to DD1. When DD2’s boyfriend found out about B acting a twat there was a big falling out in the friendship group - long standing friendships broke apart. (FYI my DD was not underage drinking she was 18 and boy B is the youngest of the 4 of them).

DD1 doesn’t like DD2’s boyfriend much but she tolerates him.

I remember the fall out at the time it was very teenage angst with side taking. DD2 is outraged DD1 would even consider dating this guy because he damaged her other friendships

Boy B has offered an apology to DD2 that he was young and a twat but because everyone was drunk, there is some denial flying around that DD2 invented it so she is offended by this too

DD1 can make the rules about visitors when she’s got her own place!

What a mess. Essentially, you have 2 adult sisters who are stuck in child mode.

Time to get serious or this nonsense will still be going on in 10 years time when your DDs are arguing over how much babysitting you do for the other one.

Sit them down. Be blunt. This stops now or they move out. You will not indulge this anymore. And mean it.

This is my dilemma as DD2 is so adamant that she feels uncomfortable in her own home and that I should be respecting that. DD1 has been quite tolerant and patient and accepted that he can’t come round although she is disappointed but there is an event coming up and she has invited him and DD2 is very upset. DD2 is so stubborn. I agree that I need to also be fair to DD1 but it feels like I am the ultimate decision maker and it’s a win-lose situation whatever I decide there is NO win-win