Stuck in middle of Adult DD’s

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I have 2 DD’s in their early 20’s who live at home (18month age gap). I’ve been a single mum to them since they were toddlers.

They saw their dad on weekends but they constantly bickered about that and fell over it in their teens with one refusing to visit (DD2) and the other (DD1) trying to make her change her mind.

They have a turbulent relationship and I always feel stuck in the middle. I am close to them both separately but they fight over my loyalty all the time and expect me to take sides. They also hide behind me from each other, passing messages instead of talking directly.

I try not to engage in this and encourage them to speak directly

In their teens they got jobs at the same place and made a group of friends. DD2 met her boyfriend, let’s call him A. In this big group of work friends DD2 and A fell out with some others including a boy called B. They allege boy B was a twat when he was drunk and DD2 was upset at all the gossip and teenage twatness, and the fall out when people took sides. DD2 and A left the workplace after this and still hold a grudge.

DD1 sort of took boy B’s side, stayed friends with him and eventually started dating him. DD2 is fuming that DD1 is dating this guy. She won’t allow him in our house as she says it makes her uncomfortable

Due to this I’ve barely met him and don’t know him. He seems ok, DD1 is fairly happy.

DD1 tries to sneak him around sometimes by asking me if he can come to the house. She’s an adult and I tell her to talk to her sister. When DD2 gets upset, DD1 just says ‘well mum said it was fine’ and blames me

DD2 is asking me to choose between her and DD1’s boyfriend. She wants me to ban him from our house. Obviously I choose DD2 in that black and white scenario but what about DD1, it’s her boyfriend so I’m really ring asked to choose between my own daughters.

if I tell DD1 her boyfriend is banned from the house then she is going to feel like I’ve chosen her sister over her. If I don’t tell DD1 he is banned, DD2 says like she feels I don’t respect her boundaries and she will move out and cut all contact

Your choices so far have already made you the bad guy by letting dd2 get her own way. So it is now time to put in boundaries to help both your daughters and yourself. It's part of parenting, they might not like it but you are the parent and it is your house, if your daughter has made demands for the last year then you can now make demands. Stop enabling her antics.

Either both boyfriends are allowed in the house or neither. It might be their home but it’s your house so your rules. Or they move out.

You're giving them too much power. What gives DD2 the right to dictate who can visit and who can't? I'd go to her privately and tell her to give me one really good reason that he can't visit. If she can't, I'd say either both boyfriends are allowed or both aren't. It's your house, your rules.

If DD2 feels uncomfortable when DD1's BF comes round then she can go to her room or go out.

I wouldn't tolerate this nonsense in my house or be drawn into their dramas. Your DDs are adults and can move out if they don't like your rules, which should be that your priority is your own well-being, low stress, peaceful life in your own home!

I'd tell them both that they are welcome to bring their BFs to your house provided there's no drama. If DD2 kicks off, then neither of them can bring BFs home. It's both or none and that's their issue to solve.

Meanwhile, make a pot of tea, put your headphones on and refuse to engage in any quarrels.

OP i would sit DD2 down and tell her DD1s boyfriend will be allowed in the house, as is hers. It’s your house and it sounds like DD2 is running the house here.

I may be biased due to my upbringing, but my single mother allowed my elder sister to run the house, I wasn’t allowed friends in, was bullied for eating and drinking normal amounts of food…etc, well now we are 40 and older, I have no contact with my sister, and barely see my mother. My sister never changed and when I tried to set boundaries as an adult my mum also tried to bully me into doing what she wanted and, when I told her I was happy, my mum said ‘oh that’s alright then’ and stormed off…ill always remember that, my happiness was not important as long as it kept my sister quiet…
sorry for the rant!

There'd be a new rule, either boyfriends are allowed or they aren't for both of them. You are allowing dd2 to dictate what happens in your house, that needs to stop.

@Givingup24 to be honest there has been a big shift in the dynamic and DD1 has always been very bossy and running the house, this has shifted since DD1 chose to get in a RS with this boy and now DD2 is calling the shots but this was never the case at all before. DD2 has felt very bullied by DD1 and sees this as standing up for herself

I would tell them to sort it out or neither boyfriend over as you are sick of the hassle and don't want their pettiness in your home.

@SpacedOutOut has this right Op, no ones BF comes to the house in future, when DD2 complains tell her you're being fair, it's all or nothing.

Neither of them should have been, then or now, running the house. It's going to be hard and you'll get pushback, but you need to take back your rightful place as parent and owner of the home.

DD2 isn't standing up for herself. She's on a power trip.

Stand up for yourself, tell them you're sick of the nonsense so no boyfriends will be allowed.

Adults move out and get their own places. There’s no reason why you all have to magically get on together and it’s possible there is no way to successfully navigate the situation. You could probably come up with a short term peacekeeping arrangement but wouldn’t everyone just prefer to be the boss of their own space? Even if it was a damp bedsit?

I’d suggest a blanket rule is the only fair way. So either neither of them can have their boyfriends round OR both of them can. If they can’t agree then I’d say that it’s not your problem. You’ve offered 2 solutions and if they can’t agree and either one wants to lay down the law… well it’s time to set up their own house : then you can make whatever rules you like.

I think somewhere in this you’ve forgotten whose house this is! You’re entitled to quiet enjoyment and it sounds like they’re both horribly dramatic!

I’d agree with others that they both need to move out if this continues. It’s intolerable for you being caught in the middle
they both sound very immature

They have a turbulent relationship and I always feel stuck in the middle. I am close to them both separately but they fight over my loyalty all the time and expect me to take sides. They also hide behind me from each other, passing messages instead of talking directly.

My eyes glazed over at the boyfriend bit, sorry. Way too much information you have there. The above is where it should have stopped. Time for them to move on (separately) and flatshare with peers who will love all the drama. They can come to you for Sunday lunch.

Its your house if you want to allow daughters boyfriends round it's up to you. I would tell both of them to grown up and stop acting like children

I think your daughters have a complicated competitive relationship. It sounds as if they are competing with each other to be number one in your eyes, your husband’s eyes and in the house pecking order. It seems as if they are each other’s enemy. DD2 seems to have an ‘it’s my way or the highway’ personality with her family and friendship groups. Is DD1 subtly undermining this by going out with this boy?

Lots to unpick here… you seem to suggest some issues in the relationship with their dad, did either one of them feel abandoned by one or other of you when you separated? Did the other parent try to make it up to them and end up giving away control?

Why is DD2 so controlling? Why is everything so black and white for her? Is it possible she might be on the spectrum?

What does she allege this boy did? It doesn’t sound serious, but perhaps, underneath, it is, in which case should DD1 know? Why did DD2 refuse to visit her dad?

it sounds like DD1 has attempted to help DD2, at least with regard to visiting her dad but got nowhere. Perhaps she has given up?

I feel it would help if you saw these girls as individuals with different issues and motivations rather than saw them as two warring sisters. Their problems, and therefore solutions sound very different. DD2 doesn’t sound like the person who responds well to ultimatums so it might be helpful to find an alternative way of dealing with her.

It would also be helpful for her (for all the relationships of her life) to join in the nuances of a negotiation, such as agreeing to be away from the house once a week when DD1s boyfriend can come over.

You are the parent, they are looking to you for solutions. You need to take control of the situation in a way that shows you value them each as individuals but you all have to live together. I think taking them each out for a day, on their own, making them feel wanted and valued and talking to them about the problem, may make them feel more involved in a negotiated solution. DD2 sounds much more troubled and it may take more time for her. Don’t under estimate the effect of DD2s behaviour on DD1 and the fact that siblings often fall back into childish relationships with each other, even when they are adults.

Good luck,

I echo what other posters have said. You’ve already picked one daughter.

I would sit them down and give them the following choices:

1. They move out by x date
2. both boyfriends are allowed in the house
3. no boyfriends allowed in the house - your DD2 cannot dictate to the other daughter and you are being incredibly unfair enabling this.

If they don’t sort their shit and decide to move out I wouldn’t allow either boyfriend in the house until they’ve gone.

They need to get along or move out. And no boyfriends at home until they work it out.

@sweetgingercat they do have a complicated relationship.

their dad is a bully and he bullied DD2 (and tried to bully me) until she stood up for herself and obviously I stood up for her too at the time

DD1 has picked up a lot of his behaviour and is not very tolerant of others. She would pressure DD2 to spend time with her dad when she did not want to and this was when things soured between them

DD1 and I had a tough time in the teenage years but get on much better now. She sees less of her dad and is less under his influence so has mellowed

DD2 and I get along very amicably and she is not usually so difficult and awkward but she will not back down on this. DD2 has always been pretty tolerant until you go too far then she will put up a wall. I think DD1 has assumed DD2 will ‘just get over it’ and DD2 is standing up to someone she feels bullied her

Due to the dynamic with their dad it unfortunately did often feel like there were 2 sides, DD2 and I on one, and DD1 and her dad on the other. I did used to have to stop DD1 bullying DD2

DD2 has no time for DD1 in all honesty

DD2 being so adamant, I'd give her one chance to say why he makes her so uncomfortable that he shouldn't visit. If he's groped her or something sometime, fair enough, but a generic, "he makes me uncomfortable," wouldn't be enough for me. Then she can find a coping mechanism.

Agreed it has to be one rule for both re boyfriends visiting. Being passive here is just making things worse. There's no Outcome where you being non-committal works well.

One rule, they can agree themselves whether it's both or none, and if one or both don't like it they move out. For what it's worth, DD2 sounds unreasonable - we all do and say stupid stuff at 16 and he's apologised.

Stand back and let them get on with it. Tell them it is your home and you will not ban anyone from it without good reason. If they want to argue about that amongst themselves it’s up to them. When there is WW3, go for a walk and leave them to it. Or tell them if they want to fight about it, to go and do it somewhere else.

Unless this guy assaulted your daughter, she has no say in whether he comes in to your house or not. If she wants to perceive this as you disrespecting her boundaries, that’s up to her. If she is prepared to cut contact with you and move out, cheerio, enjoy paying for real life. If you give in to her, you are letting her know she can tantrum to get her way and your other daughter will lose out. Thats lose lose all round.

Presumably your daughter has her own space in the house and can stay out of his way if she wants to. Is her boyfriend allowed to come to the house? Maybe the ideal solution is to say neither of them can have their boyfriends over.

It sounds like DD1 has form for being an antagonist bully who revels in making DD2 uncomfortable, so I can see why DD2 has had enough and decided to stand up for herself. I’d be pretty upset too if my own sister started dating someone she knew had hurt me and who I detested. It also sounds like you may have been passive in the face of her dad’s bullying behaviour when she was younger and is looking to you to protect her in a way you perhaps didn’t before.

That said, she really can’t dictate who comes into the house so it’s time to institute a no boyfriends in the house rule or one of both of them move out. They’re acting like children.

New rule: NO boyfriends in your house.

This may encourage one or both DDs to move out, which wouldn't be the worst thing.

Your ot stuck in the middle
Your refusing to put your foot down
You have allowed this situation between the girls to go on for years with one bullying the other .
Tbh ,I lost track who was doing what to who a while back
Your the parent,you make the rules.
That's why this situation has continued, because your trying to be their friends.
Your their parent It sounds like they are 5 years old
You shouldn't have to put your foot down at this age ..but you clearly didn't set boundaries when they were younger..so now your going to have to .you need to think long and hard about what's fair
Then come up with some house rules ..while your under my roof ..xyz..
Don't like it ..move out ..
You need to get tough ..but also not get drawn in to the pettyness .
Stop playing them off against each other by talking about each of them to the other