Stuck in middle of Adult DD’s

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I have 2 DD’s in their early 20’s who live at home (18month age gap). I’ve been a single mum to them since they were toddlers.

They saw their dad on weekends but they constantly bickered about that and fell over it in their teens with one refusing to visit (DD2) and the other (DD1) trying to make her change her mind.

They have a turbulent relationship and I always feel stuck in the middle. I am close to them both separately but they fight over my loyalty all the time and expect me to take sides. They also hide behind me from each other, passing messages instead of talking directly.

I try not to engage in this and encourage them to speak directly

In their teens they got jobs at the same place and made a group of friends. DD2 met her boyfriend, let’s call him A. In this big group of work friends DD2 and A fell out with some others including a boy called B. They allege boy B was a twat when he was drunk and DD2 was upset at all the gossip and teenage twatness, and the fall out when people took sides. DD2 and A left the workplace after this and still hold a grudge.

DD1 sort of took boy B’s side, stayed friends with him and eventually started dating him. DD2 is fuming that DD1 is dating this guy. She won’t allow him in our house as she says it makes her uncomfortable

Due to this I’ve barely met him and don’t know him. He seems ok, DD1 is fairly happy.

DD1 tries to sneak him around sometimes by asking me if he can come to the house. She’s an adult and I tell her to talk to her sister. When DD2 gets upset, DD1 just says ‘well mum said it was fine’ and blames me

DD2 is asking me to choose between her and DD1’s boyfriend. She wants me to ban him from our house. Obviously I choose DD2 in that black and white scenario but what about DD1, it’s her boyfriend so I’m really ring asked to choose between my own daughters.

if I tell DD1 her boyfriend is banned from the house then she is going to feel like I’ve chosen her sister over her. If I don’t tell DD1 he is banned, DD2 says like she feels I don’t respect her boundaries and she will move out and cut all contact

I would ban both boyfriends and say you won’t take sides and both are not being fair to you.

They can conduct their relationships outside of your home or move out.

DD2 and I are fine in terms of talking this out. She says she is not angry with me she is angry with DD1 for keep pushing this. She understands DD1 is also my daughter and also lives in the house, and that I am in a bad position. She thinks DD1 just needs to accept the consequence of her decision and stop trying to get us to change our minds. DD2 says she will be angry if I disrespect her boundaries

I did take DD2’s side for the past year, he hasn’t been here but as you can see from all the responses here, everyone has a different take on it and I accept that I have found myself drawn into the drama and ended up in the middle. I should not have let DD1 think that I was changing my mind but on reflection DD1 has been stuck to this guy like glue and she is expecting me to take them as a package duo if I ever want to spend time with her. There is an event coming up and she will only come if he can come, which is why I had started to change the previous boundary as I assumed it would be ok (it’s not)

‘her decision…and stop trying to get us to change our minds’

Fucking hell. She sees this as you and her versus her sister. Not only that, but that she has greater authority than you in your own house.

It very much reads to me like you’re stuck in the dynamic of DD1 being on the outside of your family, whereas you and DD2 are close knit. You risk alienating DD1 entirely, and it’s obviously up to you whether that’s something you consider to be an acceptable outcome.

I also suspect that DD2 may be using this as an opportunity to punish DD2 and assert dominance over her, and it’s actually more about that than it is the boyfriend.

I don’t know. DD1 and I do have a good relationship it’s just different to the one I have with DD2.

Out of the 2 of them I think DD1 is less independent emotionally and needs me more than DD2 does. I probably talk to DD1 more frequently and she comes to me a lot more for advice/support. DD2 has more friends than DD1 so is less likely to come to me. DD2 likes her own company, DD1 would always want to be with me rather than alone.

If I was to invite them both to do something with me, DD1 usually wants to and DD2 will say she’s busy. DD2 really likes my partner and sees him like a real step father figure so they do hang out sometimes. DD1 is closer to her real dad so sees him just as my partner.

Unless what he said was particularly awful, it sounds like a run of the mill teenage squabble. They're adults now and DD2 needs to stop holding it over her sister.
He's obviously not awful or you'd be very concerned for DD1. You need to stop picking sides and let them sort it out amongst themselves.
Your household dynamic doesn't sound very healthy. It's probably best for you all if they both move out - put a stop to the competition and favoritism.

Do you see it as different, or lesser? DD2 is less of an emotional burden on you, and supports your relationship in a way you prefer. Your attitude towards DD2 really does read to me that you consider her to be yours, whereas DD1 is her father’s. You’re not breaking free of a harmful dynamic, but reinforcing it.

I would say ‘no problem, no boys round until they both can come round’

thsts the only way it’s equally respectful

This.

DD2 needs to grow up & get over it!

If i was your dd1 i’d move out & leave you both to it as you’ve made it clear you’ll side with your other daughter

I see my RS with DD1 is more traditional mum and teen daughter dynamic.

I see my RS with DD2 is more mother adult daughter dynamic

DD2’s RS is a bit more advanced in terms of emotional maturity

I assume I will also get to that stage with DD1 it’s just a little further behind

DD’s father put in the dynamic of one child each not me. It did not originate from me or what I wanted to do. He realised he didn’t want 2, he only really wanted 1 of them and DD2 ended up being punished for that

DD2 doesn’t want to be around her father so she has 1 parent technically and DD1 has 2

Are you sure DD2 is more emotionally mature? She doesn't seem to be handling this in a very grown up way.
DD1 having more of a relationship with her dad doesn't mean she only needs half a mum.
All sounds incredibly unhealthy.

No, they both have two parents. You aren’t required to compensate DD2 to the detriment of her sister because of her choice not to see him. If indeed their father is as bad as you say, DD1 isn’t in a better position by having a relationship with him.

You have a choice as to whether to continue the dynamic. You have a responsibility here too, that can’t be shrugged off with a ‘not my fault’. Similarly, you cannot use your ex’s poor parenting to excuse your own - ‘he’s worse’ does not make your own attitudes and actions good. IMO it’s increasingly apparent that you favor DD2.

I hope both of them can eventually break away from this shitshow of a dynamic.

They both need to move out.

They're stuck in their adolescent relationships and roles and that's unlikely to change until they live separately from you and each other, away from their childhood home. They aren't (and can't really) handling conflict like two adults in a houseshare or adult family members with their own homes because they are still siblings at home with mum. You're trying to be a parent to your children living at home having sibling squabbles but also not treat them like children while not being able to tell them to just leave each other to live their lives... it's all impossible.

There's no guarantee that they'll ever be good friends, but staying in this set up is only going to add to the resentment pile. Give them both a timeframe for them leaving and (if you're able) lay out what financial assistance you can provide for what length of time.

No DD1 isn’t in a better position and I didn’t say that but he was a better and much more involved dad to her. And why would she have half a mum? DD1 is less independent than DD2 and more dependent on her mum and dad

He decided when I was pregnant with DD2 that he didn’t think we should have her. I did have her and he didn’t bond well. When we split he tried for a bit but the damage was done and he didn’t try very hard to fix it. DD2 hasn’t been parented by this man for over 10 years. Young kids who refuse to see their other parent usually do require some extra parenting, after all I was looking after her alone when DD1 was with her dad ergo we ended up spending more time together.

DD2 is more mature in that she doesn’t scream/shout at you and she has never done this, DD1 has not long grown out of this. DD2 can see different view points even if she doesn’t agree. DD1 does still struggle with that.

I see both their sides and both their views and points. I see both their struggles and differences. I acknowledge the weird dynamic. We have all tried hard to overcome the obstacles of teen angst years but a year ago, DD1 started dating this boy and it’s not gone well since then.

Selfishly, I would like them to both put their issues aside but that would make my life so much easier but that’s not what this is about.

So yes, you’re compensating DD2 at the expense of your DD1. You’re allowing her to wield power over her sister because, why? You think she’s earned it? It’s her turn? Her sister owes her? Does DD1 deserve punishment for having a relationship with her father when her sister doesn’t? Are you getting your own resentments towards her out by using DD2 as a proxy?

You see her as being to blame for choosing to date this boy and thus exposing the deeper cracks in your family dynamic. You aren’t acknowledging your DD2’s own questionable behavior in this, and as such I doubt you have any intention of tackling it.

Therapy may help.

Jeez stop pandering to them. They're adults but are behaving like spoilt toddlers.
Your house; your rules. Both should be treated equally whoever their boyfriends are. They can always move out if they don't like it.

I can't believe you've allowed DD2 to dictate all this for a year now. It's just batshit.

Either they're both allowed their boyfriends' over or neither of them are - and that's a decision for you to make. Not your daughter(s).

She thinks DD1 just needs to accept the consequence of her decision and stop trying to get us to change our minds. DD2 says she will be angry if I disrespect her boundaries

You write as though you and DD2 are a couple jointly parenting DD1.

At what point will B be forgiven and DD1’s choice of boyfriend respected? Once they move in together? When they’re engaged? When they’re married? This is silliness. You should be teaching DD2 that punishments don’t last forever.

Is DD2 more emotionally independent or has she just had to be?

Everything you say screams that DD2 is not more emotionally mature, but just much better a manipulating you.

The child who “screams and shouts” according to you may not be the less mature one but simply the one frustrated to the end of her tether.

I think the only answer is “no boys round” or both.

Can’t believe the responses on here in favour of DD1!! She sounds absolutely horrible and a bully - who in their right minds dates a boy who has so badly upset their own sister?! I’d be devastated if this happened with my siblings. Such a nasty, disloyal thing to do. And not exactly great for DD1 either, as she’s dating a vile misogynist. How is MN siding with him?!

good for DD2 for standing up for herself on this one - not easy to do in the face of bullying, shame and sexism. Actions have consequences and if you date someone who badly upset a close relative, the consequence is that your partner will not be welcome at family events. Tough!

OP, how practical is it for either DD to move out? Are they earning or studying? Could DD1 live with her dad? I would be setting an age they have to leave by (maybe 1 year older than DD1 is now?)

I think there's some really great advice on here, OP.
I would let them sort it out. Point out that neither of them are giving you a second thought, and currently you are all living in what feels like a war zone. Point out that this situation is unsustainable.

Could this work, OP..?
Hopefully, this scenario would give them a chance to work together for the common good & won't require you to take sides: Tell them they have to sit down together & come up with which of the following scenarios they BOTH agree to, and until they have both agreed, neither BF visits.

a) neither boyfriend visits
b) both boyfriends are welcome whenever
c) each DD has allocated days when their boyfriend is welcome
d) they can't agree and they both move out

Either way, a condition of them both being allowed to live in your house is mutual respect for everyone. They need to stop using you as the go-between, and be more tolerant of each other. Working through the above, whilst not shouting and screaming at each other will be a good life lesson.

I feel for you, OP & hope it gets resolved soon.

DD2 is being completely unreasonable and needs to grow up. OP needs to stop being cowardly and lay down some house rules which are fair to both sides. It doesn't sound like the boyfriend did anything unforgivable so DD2 needs to let it go.

I would make it simple.

I would say to them both, that because this is such an issue, there are two options.

No boyfriends are allowed in the house, or both boyfriends are allowed in the house. And if they can't come to an agreement, then you'll choose no boyfriends as you are totally fed up with the drama.

But I agree with others, it sounds like they need their own space now!

I think a lot of this relates to the break up with your partner. He bullied you and your daughters saw it. DD1 initially saw it as a successful strategy to get her own way, to make DD2 go and see her father so DD1 didn't have to take all the responsibility of maintaining that relationship. At some point DD1 realised bullying was ineffective and stopped it.

It sounds as if DD2 took the passive aggressive route to the relationship with her father and when DD1 stopped bullying, DD2 decided it was a useful strategy to dominate. Both of them may see you as the weaker person because your partner bullied you. They may not understand why you put up with it for a while before separating.

I think it might help to talk to them both as adults to explain why bullying doesn't work as a strategy for maintaining successful relationships and suggest some alternatives, such as discussion, negotiation etc.

I've not read any further, because this is the only recourse available to you.

One of your daughters sees herself as the head of the household, and you need to take that time back very firmly and clearly.

It's no good her saying that she shouldn't be made uncomfortable in her own home. It's your home too, in fact you own it. And her demands are making YOU uncomfortable in the home that you bought and paid for.