Stuck in middle of Adult DD’s

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I have 2 DD’s in their early 20’s who live at home (18month age gap). I’ve been a single mum to them since they were toddlers.

They saw their dad on weekends but they constantly bickered about that and fell over it in their teens with one refusing to visit (DD2) and the other (DD1) trying to make her change her mind.

They have a turbulent relationship and I always feel stuck in the middle. I am close to them both separately but they fight over my loyalty all the time and expect me to take sides. They also hide behind me from each other, passing messages instead of talking directly.

I try not to engage in this and encourage them to speak directly

In their teens they got jobs at the same place and made a group of friends. DD2 met her boyfriend, let’s call him A. In this big group of work friends DD2 and A fell out with some others including a boy called B. They allege boy B was a twat when he was drunk and DD2 was upset at all the gossip and teenage twatness, and the fall out when people took sides. DD2 and A left the workplace after this and still hold a grudge.

DD1 sort of took boy B’s side, stayed friends with him and eventually started dating him. DD2 is fuming that DD1 is dating this guy. She won’t allow him in our house as she says it makes her uncomfortable

Due to this I’ve barely met him and don’t know him. He seems ok, DD1 is fairly happy.

DD1 tries to sneak him around sometimes by asking me if he can come to the house. She’s an adult and I tell her to talk to her sister. When DD2 gets upset, DD1 just says ‘well mum said it was fine’ and blames me

DD2 is asking me to choose between her and DD1’s boyfriend. She wants me to ban him from our house. Obviously I choose DD2 in that black and white scenario but what about DD1, it’s her boyfriend so I’m really ring asked to choose between my own daughters.

if I tell DD1 her boyfriend is banned from the house then she is going to feel like I’ve chosen her sister over her. If I don’t tell DD1 he is banned, DD2 says like she feels I don’t respect her boundaries and she will move out and cut all contact

DD2 says she should not be forced to be uncomfortable In her own home

The boy has tried to make amends and it seems rebuffed by your DD. She can't be forced to like him but she should be tolerant as this is adult behaviour.

However you should not view yourself in the middle. If you believe the boy is not a threat and it's a case of "hurt" feelings then dd2 needs to grow up. Both boyfriends should be allowed to visit or neither.

However do your daughters need family counselling? There seems to be deeper issues than this lad and looking to the future it would be a shame if their relationship is fractured, which is what is likely to happen

Basically this exactly sums up DD2’s feelings and she really does have a point

what did DD1 expect was going to happen? She knew DD2 hated this boy prior to dating him. Why did she think DD2 was going to change her mind? She literally did leave her job because she disliked him. He has given a bit of a wet apology which doesn’t really acknowledge much other than ‘I was young and drunk sorry’

DD1 knew if she got with him it would be a big deal it wasn’t a secret and DD1 was well aware!

She is still my daughter though and I do want things to be fair but I am so confused I see both sides so I cannot find a way through this

I know everyone is saying tough luck DD2 but DD1 knew this would happen so can she really now complain about it? Or is DD2 being dramatic?

DD1 is still trying to be a bully and can move out any time she likes. DD2 shouldn’t have to be around a man that made such nasty crude (sexual, I’m guessing) comments to her that he imploded his entire friendship group.

I’d be really disappointed in DD1 for having so little self-respect that she went chasing after a guy that sounds like he was interested in/making remarks about her sister in the past.

People are siding with DD1 because of the way you wrote the OP. You left out vital information, including what he did and DD1 being a dominating bully to DD2 her entire life. If you had included all of the information in the OP you would have different responses.

No, it’s your home, not theirs. You are allowing them to live there.

You are allowed anyone you want into YOUR home. If anyone doesn’t like it, they can find somewhere else to live.

You are being made to feel uncomfortable in your home by all this extremely childish bickering and grudges.

You need to start laying the law down regarding how your DDs are behaving. You need to put yourself first, not choosing which DD to prioritise. Prioritise yourself.

I really think the issue is with DD1 here, not DD2. She'll probably have multiple boyfriends, she only has one sister, and her sister is the one who doesn't appear to have done anything wrong.

DD1 needs to recognise her choices have consequences. She decides to go out with someone who has caused her sister so much upset. Fine, but the consequence is that while she still lives with her sister, she doesn't get to bring the boyfriend home. I don't think DD2 is doing anything wrong asking you to support her on this.

This is like something from a teenagers magazine.
They are adults.. they either behave like adults in your home or they move out.
You need to be firmer.
Call a family meeting or kick them out.

Ok so I think a large part of this is the fact you all need to establish boundaries and add clarity for all
on your living situation.

do they pay rent? Is it your house and they live with you? Could you afford the house without them?

is it a shared home or mums house and the family home

from your post it seems it is mums house and the family home but they are behaving like they are in a flat share when it suits then calling you to referee when it suits

i would lay out ground rules- if you expect me to be the parent then you will act like this all the time and my house / my rules

I would set out literal rules about guests and tick to them- regardless of who they are.

the other option I would give is that they act like adults and resolve it - and you create a communal living agreement as there seems to be no boundaries a

I also think you should really encourage DD2 to let go of this grudge for her own wellbeing. B is right, he was young and drunk and he has apologised. Everything got blown out of proportion but it sounds like this was years ago.

It is doing DD2 no favours holding onto this level of animosity.

This clearly isn't about the boy. It's about the relationship between the girls. The boy is a pawn for the angry sister who is using it as a stick to beat her sister

He was a teenager. It was years ago. The relationship is fairly serious.

You need to state that banning him means taking sides and they are both adults so need to move out it they don't like the rules

It's very sad they have such a fracturd relationship I would refuse to get drawn into details and keep suggesting family counselling or full and frank commitment to a real peace talk. And remember peace is hard and means compromise.

Seems like DD2 is being allowed to rule the roost. DD1 bf has offered to apologise but that’s not good enough for dd2.

You have said DD1 isn’t keen on DD2 bf but tolerates him well she should behave the same for DD1 bf.

I would suggest that either they both start looking for their own places and that no boyfriends are allowed over to make it fair. It’s up to DD2 then if she wants to forgive or move out. Until either happens no BF of either daughters is allowed in the house. It’s your house and you should have to put up with it constantly.

Was the comment and the fallout that followed really awful, or was it just silly teenage drama? Is she justified in hating him, or is it an overreaction?

@witheringrowan your posts have helped a lot.

I do agree DD2 needs to try to let go of it, and I am always encouraging this as anger and resentment is not healthy but she is angry that DD1 made a choice, with full awareness of DD2’s feelings and is now expecting her to change her stance. I don’t think this is about the boy, it’s DD2 proving a point to DD1 about consequences.

DD1 has chosen the boy over her sister so I am very loathe to join in and isolate DD2. Who didn’t do anything wrong

I agree with every word of this. Don’t let DD2 hold this over the household like she is

I’m very curious what this ‘crude’ comment was too. If it was about DD2’s body or sexual in nature I don’t blame her at all for not wanting him anywhere near her. For all you know she may have a history of SA or trauma that you and DD1 don’t know about and this is a protective mechanism for her. I’m so sick of men and boys saying whatever the hell they want and women are expected to get over it.

It was crude and I wouldn’t like it. I don’t blame her.

when DD1 started dating him I was very concerned and I’ve been clear about respect and boundaries but she said everything is fine.

In all honesty I do wish DD1 would just accept it and stop being pushy about it. It is what it is. She knew DD2 wouldn’t like it as she hid it from us for a while

OP, what are your thoughts about B? You know the details of what happened years ago and what he said to or about DD2. In your honest opinion, is it unforgivable? Was it so awful that this person should be banned from the house?

If it is and you are still cross that he treated DD2 this way then you have your answer.

But I suspect that you don’t have such ill feelings towards him. If what he said about DD2 was so awful then you wouldn’t want him in your house would you?

It is DD2 who is in the wrong here. She is the one making her sister choose. She doesn’t need to like her sister’s BF but she doesn’t get to dictate who her sister can and can’t date. She is also the one who is dragging you into this and also trying to make you choose. This is really controlling behaviour.

My sister and I fell out for a couple of years over something really silly and not relevant to this. Both myself and my sister acted like children with my Mum but she would not be swayed and called herself Switzerland on the fence! She was steadfast in this and would not talk about either one of us to the other. She treated us both exactly the same and always has done.

My point here is that DD2 is controlling the narrative saying that DD1's BF can't come.

You need to control your own home here and that means treating them exactly the same. It doesn't matter what DD2 thinks of DD1's BF. Either both DD's are allowed their BF's round or neither. You can't say one can and one can't as that is unfair.

Once you have done the above, start calling yourself Switzerland on the fence!

If either doesn't like it, then tell them they have to lump it! Good luck.

I guess it’s down to semantics but leaving a job because I dislike someone isn’t the same as losing a job. You left because you wanted to. DD2 is being a bit disingenuous in framing it as losing a job.

And I say this as someone who’s also looking to change jobs due to disliking a couple people.

So what he said was horrible enough for you to be concerned about DD1 dating him? Hmm. Gut instincts are not often wrong.

He doesn’t give me the creeps and he seems to make DD1 happy. But he isn’t very charismatic and he appears pretty laid back ie lazy

He was 16/17 and made a crude sexual comment about DD2. He didn’t touch her but it got made into gossip as if something had happened between them (it had not). She had a boyfriend who was one of B’s friends/colleagues. This is why it caused a fracture in the group and made work unbearable for DD2 as some people believed either side. My DD1 took part in the gossip at the time too

i mean DD2 did choose to leave but that’s because people were talking about her and this boy and what happened and it was sexual in nature so not very nice for an 18yo girl to go through?

I was concerned about him with DD1 as he had not shown himself to be respectful to women in the past. She says he is respectful to her

you can see from both girls point of view how they both feel they are in the right.

I think the solution would be one which respects both of their positions, as well as yours as their mother, and in order to find a solution like that you have to believe it’s possible, be willing to think creatively, and then get them on board to do the same.

I can see a situation, for example, where if DD2 really feels heard re her feelings that she might be able to also see her sisters perspective and agree that for now he can come over if it’s prearranged so she doesn’t have to see him (if she’s out or whatever), and that DD1 understands that work needs to be put in in order to get to this.

they both do need to recognise each other’s positions but they will only be able to do this if they also feel heard. One of them will have to make the first move and be the adult.

Otherwise a family therapist might be able to help, it might not be possible for you to mediate this. if I was you, I’d be trying to learn some skills by reading about mediation and family therapy, there’s probably quite a lot of stuff you can do.

The more you comment the more I'm confused as to how you don't see DD1 is the problem here?
The historical context is your ex bullied dd2, and dd1 picked up on his attitudes and followed suit until dd2 was able to stand up for herself with (it sounds like) limited support from you.
Now DD2 is trying to stand up for herself by saying someone who has made crude comments about her body shouldn't be allowed into her home, someone who caused her to loose friends and someone you dd1 sided with.

Dd1 is an adult and can date who she wants but she needs to go touch grass if she thinks dd2 should suck it up and you need to have a long think about why you allow dd1 to act this way.

Also dd2 should NOT be made to feel wrong for being upset or angry about the situation. She should not have to let go of any anger towards this man, how she's treated by dd1 and your inability to protect her. Like it or not, try your best or not, victim yourself or not you have failed her.