Stuck in middle of Adult DD’s

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I have 2 DD’s in their early 20’s who live at home (18month age gap). I’ve been a single mum to them since they were toddlers.

They saw their dad on weekends but they constantly bickered about that and fell over it in their teens with one refusing to visit (DD2) and the other (DD1) trying to make her change her mind.

They have a turbulent relationship and I always feel stuck in the middle. I am close to them both separately but they fight over my loyalty all the time and expect me to take sides. They also hide behind me from each other, passing messages instead of talking directly.

I try not to engage in this and encourage them to speak directly

In their teens they got jobs at the same place and made a group of friends. DD2 met her boyfriend, let’s call him A. In this big group of work friends DD2 and A fell out with some others including a boy called B. They allege boy B was a twat when he was drunk and DD2 was upset at all the gossip and teenage twatness, and the fall out when people took sides. DD2 and A left the workplace after this and still hold a grudge.

DD1 sort of took boy B’s side, stayed friends with him and eventually started dating him. DD2 is fuming that DD1 is dating this guy. She won’t allow him in our house as she says it makes her uncomfortable

Due to this I’ve barely met him and don’t know him. He seems ok, DD1 is fairly happy.

DD1 tries to sneak him around sometimes by asking me if he can come to the house. She’s an adult and I tell her to talk to her sister. When DD2 gets upset, DD1 just says ‘well mum said it was fine’ and blames me

DD2 is asking me to choose between her and DD1’s boyfriend. She wants me to ban him from our house. Obviously I choose DD2 in that black and white scenario but what about DD1, it’s her boyfriend so I’m really ring asked to choose between my own daughters.

if I tell DD1 her boyfriend is banned from the house then she is going to feel like I’ve chosen her sister over her. If I don’t tell DD1 he is banned, DD2 says like she feels I don’t respect her boundaries and she will move out and cut all contact

Not stuck in the middle

@wordywitch i was not passive and unprotective but remember fathers have rights, so it’s not just as simple to say ‘you can’t see the child anymore’ when one wants to go the other one doesn’t. It involves a legal battle you don’t always win

When she got to the age where she could make her own mind up I let her make the decision if she went to his or not and supported her decision. Problem is she now sees me as letting her down NOW, when I supported her the first time I assume she thought based on the issues with her dad I would take her side. But her sister is also my daughter

This is an entirely different issue though.

From reading all your messages I feel you may favour DD2 as you see both her and you as victims and you think DD1 has similar traits to their dad who you obviously don't like.

Do you think this is shading your judgement?
DD2 doesn't want to feel uncomfortable in her own home but you are happy for DD1 to be restricted in her home??

You need to stop your unconscious bias against DD1.

DD2 needs to get over herself how on earth is she going to cope in the real world if she can't build a wall and get over things - is she going to be like this with all her colleagues who disagree with her?

As others have said, give them options

1. Both boyfriends can come round (they can agree specific days)
2. Neither boyfriend comes into your house
3. Either or both can move out.

Make it clear that they each have agency to decide what they want but in the interim you may want to go with option 2, as it's your house. Don't be swayed by the emotional blackmail of "I'll move out and never speak to you again" because this will be played every time they don't get their own way.

Keep emphasising that you are not chosing one over the other when you refuse to be drawn into their arguments. The problem is they both think that you're taking the other side if you're not 100% supporting them.

I think the first step here is to stop labelling those dd as difficult. They both have very good reasons to be annoyed tbh. You just have that is more visibly grumpy about it but they are both trying to protect themselves in some ways.
I also dint believe that dd2 is controlling vs dd1 flexible. Dd1 knew very well that by going with B, she was going to hurt her sister. That by doing so she invalidated the pain the dd2 experienced from B words + during the fall out. Let’s be honest, if everyone fell out, things just have been pretty bad.

Having said that, I think you really step out of the role they BOTH want you to play - the one if the judge.

Id sit them down and tell them you know and appreciate the hurt they feel. Dd1 for not being able to bring B into her own home. Dd2 for her hurt around that boy, the fall out then agd the not feeling safe in her own home now. BOTH hurts need to be validated imo

Then I’d tell them that you’re not going to chose. You love them BOTH and youre refusing to choose one over the other. id remind them that you simply can’t make a judgement and decide who is right or wrong. It’s much more complex than that.

And then id tell them Theyre two adults living in the same house. This brings issues and responsibility. They can need to decide together if they can accomodate each other (eg B only comes when dd2 isn’t home) or if they want more freedom (eg by deciding to live away from home). But whatever they chose is going to be THEIR decision, not yours. And the best solution is one they agree together. Not one imposed on them.

Id remember that BOTH of them are reacting from a place of hurt (as yes with what’s going on now triggering because of the last re the dad etc…). It can’t be simple to deal with fir dd2 tbh

Just tell them your house, your rules, both DDs are allowed to bring boyfriends round, however if DD2 is adament DD1 can’t then DD2 can’t have her boyfriend there either

I would tell them to decide if it’s all or nothing by xx date

I would also be telling them you love them both dearly but are fed up of being in the middle. You are no longer going to act as mediator, they sort things out themselves.

This is appropriate I believe.

You need to re establish equality in the house.

At the time you need to be clear you are not going to be their go between any longer.

They behave with civility towards each other or it’s time to ship out.

I am just answering people’s questions because people have asked or speculated!

I love both of them and want a relationship with them. I don’t see them as difficult I see them as my daughters and both have valid feelings and perspectives.

When you say adults, how adult are they? 18? 19? 25? I think that makes a lot of difference in terms of maturity.

Regardless, the solution is very simple: either both can bring whoever they want around or none of them can, end of.

My DB and I don’t talk. He has a tendency to bully you if you’re not exactly how he expects you to and unfortunately we couldn’t be more different. Now where it gets tricky for my mum is that not only we don’t speak, but he thinks he can “ban” me from speaking to her as well.

You can’t allow bullying inside your own house. In fact everyone would probably be happier if they both just moved out and got their own places.

DD2 says she should not be forced to be uncomfortable In her own home

ok but you are 3 adults living there. So you and DD1 also have a say what happens there. You are both ok with this lad being there, so DD2 can stay in her room on the few occasions he is there, or go out. Establish some rules about when and for how long they can have their BFs there and that is is.

Or she can move out.

If you feel OK with bf in yoyr house thrn that's all that matters. Dd2 , as an adult, can either move out, suck it up or make herself scarce when he comes over.

I’d just tell them both no boyfriends are allowed in the house till they grow up and sort this silly squabble out. are you sure there in their twenties?

This, 100%

You treat each bf the same unless they give you, personally, reason not to.

Your house, your rules. If DD2 doesn't like DD1's bf being there its on her to go out and make other arrangements.

This absolutely! My two, similar age, both living at home, don't get on that well either. But I always make it clear I won't take sides. Both have boyfriends who stay over. We don't have the issue you have, but if I were you, I wouldn't allow one to ban the other's bf. If she is able and willing to move out, then I'd let her.......call her bluff. (Actually mine aren't as bad, as they ignore each other most of the time and actually rows are now rare.)

I vote that most teenagers can be twats when drunk and your daughter needs to grow up a bit.

It sounds like DD2 has already "lost" quite a lot over this guy. A job, a friendship group - and from your explanation it sounds like although he might have made some kind of apology to her, he's not set the record straight or admitted any culpability to the wider group.

Then DD1 decided to chose this guy over her sister. If you are perceived to choose him too, then your relationship with DD2 will be damaged in a way that will be very hard to repair.

I think you need to have a frank conversation with DD1 - she can choose to go out with whomever she chooses, but given that she already knew about the problems between her sister and this boy, it's a bit rich to expect DD2 to welcome it. You shouldn't become another person who sides with this boy over your daughter.

My perception is that an outsider to the house cannot take precedence over a resident. If the visitor makes one resident uncomfortable, then that resident has to feel safe in their home and the visitor cannot come.

It's not choosing one sibling over the other. It's preserving the household peace.

In all honesty the lad, why does he want to come over when it causes WW3?

Can the lad not go in common areas, straight into DD's room and thats it? So there is distance between them.

Has there not been sessions to try to clear the air? Sounds like more is needed with rules and mediators. No aggression, no shouting, one person talks at once etc.

But in general, DD1 choosing a lad who her sister had grievances with is loud and clear telling her allegiances, their relationship is dead.

if I tell DD1 her boyfriend is banned from the house then she is going to feel like I’ve chosen her sister over her. If I don’t tell DD1 he is banned, DD2 says like she feels I don’t respect her boundaries and she will move out and cut all contact

a bit to unpick from this

DD2 is emotionally blackmailing you to get her own way - if you don't side with me and ban sites boyfriend then Im going to move out and cut contact - this is a Hugh red flag of behaviours - which in some ways you've seen as bullying - but it is emotional blackmail and a rather nasty trait.

That needs to be stopped and is an issue, eb shouldn't be happening to you as mum.

Either both boyfriends can come to the house or neither and that is your choice - not anyone elses

If it were me id tell both girls that both their boyfriends are welcome and if thats not acceptable they are welcome to move to other accommodation as you will not be blackmailed into doing what someone else wants - its not acceptable behaviour. It would be a shame if she moved out but that is definitely her choice and no-one else is forcing her to make those choices. The door will always be open for her to return or visit. They are both welcome to live at home but they do need to be respectful and behave own a respectful manner towards you.

end of be respectful to others at home and no boyfriends overnight just during the evening or daytime.

If she tries again to imply you are forcing her don't argue back - that is your stance, with friends are welcome and you will not be blackmailed - keep stating the same - I will not be emotionally black mailed, I am not being blackmailed by you

Such a complicated situation and I feel sorry for you being caught in the middle. The only advice I can give is to be fair and have the same rules for both daughters - so if dd2 is refusing that dd1's boyfriend be allowed in the house then her own boyfriend should not be allowed in the house. You basically say there is one set of rules for everyone. If she wants her bf round then she has to accept her sisters bf round. I would also be trying to get them to become more respectful to yourself - a good technique my mum used was asking me to put myself in her position. It's a tricky one and I wish you all the best!

But you're not in the middle. What it boils down to is you're playing favorites with DD2 as the winner. You let her make rules for the entire household. You let her exclude DD1's bf over teen crap that happened years ago.

You make the rules and they need to be equal. 2 isn't comfortable with 1's bf being welcome in the home as is her bf, she can find her own place. She is being really manipulative threatening to leave and go NC. You know how to handle that? Say Ok. And let her go.

You need to stop the triangulation and relaying messages. You don't have time for their Bickersons bullshit.

I think you need to sit both of them down , together and tell them that you’ve had enough , that you appreciate all sides of the argument but the rules going forward are either both boyfriends are welcome whenever or neither boyfriend is welcome and if they don’t like that then they can do whatever they feel the need to do . End of .

You are being blackmailed and held hostage... which is would not accept or indulge her on.

If it's a hill DD2 really wants to die on - fine.
Let her.
If his presence is SO intolerable and an affront to her she can move out. Her choice.
Or she can act like a semi adult and just avoid him / go to her room / whatever.

Right now shes ruling the roost and it's not okay.

Whegher you care to admit it or not you ARE permitting this...and DD2 is clearly "winning" / favoured / getting her way.

Dd2 doesn’t go to the event if she’s that bothered. He was young and stupid and offered an apology to something that really doesn’t need to be dragged out 3 years later. I would either tell DD2 she doesn’t get to dictate who is in the house or there is a no boyfriend rule for all. If you are the ultimate decision maker you decide if DD1 boyfriend is allowed round or not

I think you needed to be much firmer with them, and set clear boundaries when they were younger. When they were young, you needed to get in there and adjudicate some of their arguments, so that the stronger personality didn’t dominate the other, and so they both knew what reasonable boundaries were.

It is far from intuitive, but in fact getting in their and setting boundaries and being the voice of justice and fairness with your kids when they’re young actually makes them more able to fight their own battles and be clear about their needs as adults - it makes them less dependent adults, more independent.

Now they are grown up what you can’t do is let DD2 dominate as she wishes to. They’re either both able to have their boyfriends over or neither of them can. DD2 can’t ban DD1’s boyfriend while having her own boyfriend over!

Edit - and yes you are still the ultimate decision maker re your house, with a duty to be fair. You’re being an utter wet blanket with the consequence that DD2 is ruling the roost. Poor DD1!