Am I a bad mother for liking my step-daughter more

[Clariey]

Okay first of all, I want to clarify, I love my daughters more than I love anyone on this planet, that’s not what this is about.

Background, I have 2 daughters, they are 19 and 21. Lovely girls, both still live at home and I think like most families we have our issues but I love them deeply. As they have gotten older I’ve struggled at times with “liking” them, it’s tricky to explain, as they have all the traits one would want their child to have, they are kind and intelligent, they are funny and in every way I’m proud of them.
However there are traits they both have that sometimes irritate me, a lack of self-awareness, a desperate need to follow every trend and sometimes I feel they lack any originality and seem to be incapable of thinking truly for themselves. We can’t discuss politics as they just regurgitate opinions heard on social media, they pick holidays based on wherever some influencer has said is cool. It often feels like I could be talking to any late teen/early 20s girl. This frustrates me as I’ve always believed in the power of forming your own thoughts and opinions, I feel like this often what makes someone really interesting.

My step-daughter is 22, she moved in with us in September as she moved to the uk for her masters. I never really knew her before this, my husband and her mother were never a couple, she was raised by her mother in one country most of the year then spent summers with her dad in another. When she first moved in with us, I found her hard to read, intensely private and to be honest I didn’t really get her or like her. I loved her as an extension of my husband but didn’t really know her as an individual. Over the months I’ve gotten to know her and I have realised I really like her as a person. She doesn’t seem fussed by trends, not in a contrarian way where if something is trendy she must hate it, more in a I like what I like regardless of the popularity sense. She is incredibly intelligent, she reads books by authors I’ve never heard of, is capable of having meaningful conversations about most topics, from politics to feminism and history. She’s happy to have her view point challenged and her supporting arguments are never “such and such on TikTok said such and such”. Don’t get me wrong I don’t think she is perfect, I think she can be extremely cynical and seems to be permanently dissatisfied with the world.

Lately I’ve felt like I’d rather talk to my stepdaughter than my own children, not because I don’t love my children or enjoy their presence but I sometimes find their life boring. They surround themselves by people who are just like them, all caught up in a whirlwind of trends. Conversations quickly turn to arguments as they get defensive if I ever question a thought process (my theory here is they don’t have a thought process but rather they are regurgitating an opinion, they can’t defend it or talk about it in any real depth as it’s not their own).

On the flip, I feel like my step-daughter challenges me intellectually which I really enjoy. She teaches me things I never knew, has recommended some books to me which have left me feeling haunted and changed as a person. Equally she is receptive to criticism, she is open to discussing anything in depth and being challenged on her views and even conceding that her own opinions aren’t always correct. I know partially it is because she isn’t my daughter, we don’t have the same bond or relationship and probably look at each other more as equals than my own daughters and I do (I think they view me as past my best and a relic of the past while I often view them as naive and immature). Then there is the fact that my step-daughter grew up in a very different world to my own, learning about her childhood, her home city and her culture is all fascinating to me.

Last night I was chatting to my step-daughter and my own daughter wanted to change the topic to a date she had been on recently. I realised I felt a sense of dread at hearing about it as it’s always the same story with a different character. However when my step-daughter goes to share a story from a date she’s been on I am keen to listen, this is because she often has more profound views on the dates, her standards for men are higher and she’s attracted to more interesting people. I felt awful afterwards as in my mind my own children should be my priority, I should be grateful that they want to let me into their life and me being bored by it makes me feel like a bad mother, they are my own flesh and blood, how can I be anything but excited to hear what they have to share?

Now I can’t sleep, I feel like I’ve let my children down in some way, both by comparing them to my step-daughter when they are wonderful people in their own right but also by failing to instil some of these qualities in them.

Has anyone else ever felt like this? Am I awful and unreasonable for feeling this way?

It’s logical your step-daughter is more mature: she’s older and moved to another country.
you can’t compare your children to her.
of course she’s going to think more maturely. Your children simply are not yet at the same level of maturity.
it’s like comparing a 4 year old and 10 year old.

you need to flip this switch in your mind quickly, because your children WILL notice your attitude and (rightly) not like her for being your favorite.

She's not your daughter - she's a friend and she's like you. So you get on.

Your daughters are your daughters. You can value them for that. They're not supposed to be your friends.

I wouldn't beat yourself up. They're different people to you. We just have to love our children fiercely. But - like when they were toddlers - you still need to listen to their stories and show interest in their lives.

OP do you actually even know what antisemitic means? Do you know that by every single definition Palestinian people are semites? And therefore any support of them is not, in any way at all, antisemitism?

Once again I think you need to educate yourself and take note of your DD’s deeper understanding of things than perhaps yourself. You seem to yourself following trends and what you have been told to believe, rather than doing your own research.

Do you already have friends who are on the same wavelength as you - as you perceive your step-daughter to be.

Also I would guess she is more friendly and tolerant of you than she is of a stranger.

I think when we are we walking past a Synagogue and my daughter mutters under her breath “child murderers” that is anti-Semitic.

I said before I wasn’t going to repeat what had been said but you insist on keep pushing and seem to think I am dense and lack the ability to know what antisemitism is!

Isn't calling a huge swathe of the population brain dead, well, a little brain dead

Well possibly. Perhaps I’m too often using social media!

People in one family can all have very different personalities from the day they are born. Me and my sister were chalk and cheese, same upbringing. My two sons were very different literally on the days they were born, such different reactions to being out and in the world for the first time, and those different traits stayed right through their childhoods.

How does she react when you try to talk about it? Or ask questions like "do you realise that there are Jewish people all over the world and they don't all support what is happening in Gaza?"

OP some of this is on you for not teaching them the difference between anti-Zionism and anti-semitism when you were bringing them up. School and uni can’t do all the heavy lifting. You should pull them up on anti-semitism. I also think you need to get a stronger grounding in one of the biggest issues in the world right now.

Your daughter’s comments sound very antisemitic. As has been discussed endlessly, it is possible to be against Netanyahu’s actions but not blame them on every Jewish or Israeli person. I’d be very disappointed if my kids expressed those kind of views OP.

You have some ridiculous expectations here. Has it never crossed your mind that your own children find your topics of conversation boring and would much rather talk about light hearted things?

Not every person wants to sit and debate or have such deep conversations? It really sounds like the majority of your conversations with them are about political views, history etc. You said you have no interest in the books your youngest reads, ever thought they don’t have any interest in your topic of conversations?

I know lots of young girls/women who want to have lighthearted conversations, nothing that is deep or where someone is questioning you and almost interviewing you. I’m sure they just want an easy conversation with their mum about the things they are into and enjoy. Chances are they’ll grow out of some of it anyway but even if they didn’t, they’re happy aren’t they?

You seem a lot more bothered about problems that are tiny in the grand scheme of things.

You have two happy healthy daughters and a SD who you have more in common with it appears to be. Enjoy your time with them, when they eventually leave you’ll miss them and their dating stories.

Your daughters are still so young. They have very little experience of the world. Over the next five years or so they’ll grow into themselves. When I look back to when I was 19/20/21, I was still a kid really.

We don't know exactly how much of us is nature or nurture, but we definitely can't claim like you do that our personalities were completely formed before we were born.

Don't feel bad..

To be honest...it sounds like you have raised two social and confident girls....that is an achievement too.

Everyone is different and it is best not to compare...the grass is always greener on the other side...as they say.

I feel somewhere you feel you have let down your children by not raising them the way your step daughter has been raised.

And if I am being honest loving someone who is not your own is probably more unusual so in fact what you have is beautiful. You will love your own daughters because they are your own and you will love your step daughter because she is the daughter you always wanted .....you can only do your best as a mother, don't think too much about it....just love them for who they are ...as the fact that your own daughter interrupted your step daughter shows that she felt you were more partial to.your step daughter.

Social media and modern technology have a lot to blame for what you are so upset to see in your daughters...but I am sure responsibility in the real world will help them move away from these habits and help them acheive their real potential.

Take care, from one mum to another.

Don't overlook this factor - your step-daughter is a lttle older than your daughters and she therefore has the edge maturity-wise.
Your daughters may mature a little later but be prepared that when they do, they will have fully-fledged personalities which will surprise you many times over!
Just because your step-daughter is cerebral doesn't mean she's 'better'. You and she have a great deal in common but don't underestimate your daughters! Continue to nurture them, giving them love, understanding and support.

My own daughter wasn't too bothered about school and I'm more studious. However she grew up to be an amazingly empathetic, positive, witty, charming, resilient, hard-working, popular young woman and she knocks spots off me when it comes to mothering. She's wise beyond her years and beyond mine too. Crucially listen to this I continually learn so much from her!
I wish you well.

I would see this very differently - it’s not about not having a work ethic from my pov, it’s about all of the joy and critical thinking being sucked out of learning because kids are so ridiculously overassessed. The curriculum is so rigid now and teachers are having to basically teach kids how to regurgitate facts to pass exams. Any curiosity is kicked out of them good and early. If teachers could spend more time asking kids what they think and less time telling them that xyz is the correct opinion (because that passes the exam) then we might see a different culture around learning.

A different perspective is always interesting, but kids are a product of their surroundings and it seems as if the internet and social media are far bigger in your daughters lives than in your step daughters- this is likely to be a cultural as well as personality thing.
Children who grow up with 2 parents present tend to be more typical- this is true of your daughters. Your step daughter has a more individualistic outlook, this is usual with a child of a single parent, especially as she is an only child.
Also your daughters are your closest relatives you don't even have to like them to love them.
You are definitely focusing on comparisons too much, you need to see the good and bad in both, as someone said you have a bit of a crush because your step daughter stretches you intellectually.

In your own words..." I think their heart is in the right place and they are wonderfully kind girls (more so than my step daughter, who is more cautious with her kindness) but they haven’t yet developed the maturity to understand that the vast majority of things in life don’t have a clear right and wrong."...

I seriously think you have issues! Why can't you just accept your daughter's for who they are??? You are so beyond critical. Everyone has room to grow. How dare you compare your children's intellect (the ones who YOU raised btw,) to another individual!! Shame on you! I think you need to find a friend if you require a certain level of intellectual conversation. Don't put that on your your daughters! Do yourself, and your kids a favor and seek counseling asap!

As long as your children don’t pick up on this then you can’t help it . Also love isnt like a cake, there is plenty to go around . I have six siblings ( Dad remarried) and I know my Dad enjoys different things about all of us and that’s ok. I don’t feel neglected or worried about that, there is enough care and love to all feel special in our own ways. However I echo what others have said about making sure your daughters don’t ever feel stupid or ‘less than’ . Also as they grow up they will change and you might have more in common with them . It’s lovely that you are getting on with your SD though x

Not personalities so much as their natures. My two sons natures were clear to see on the days of their births. My eldest came out indignant and very angry, like how dare I 😁 he was pretty high maintenance until he got to senior school, when he mellowed. My younger came out very chill in a, oh so we’re doing this are we, ok, wake me up when it’s time to start school. He was really chill throughout his childhood, an absolute breeze.

My sister and I both had very different natures from very early on. I was (and still am) very easy going and she isn’t (she’s quite exhausting at times and always has been).

I believe it’s part nature, part nurture but I don’t know how balanced that is.

No. I don’t feel like this as they are kids and not comparing them to anyone. My kids are not grown yet. You need to get friends your age!

Yes it is disturbing to hear that. I would not be paying for my children’s university if this is what they’re learning

I wouldn’t even bother replying to this shallow, derogatory, and judgmental comment. Some people here clearly lack the comprehension skills to reflect on what you’ve actually asked and instead jump to conclusions based on their narrow viewpoints.

No, you're not a bad mother! You simply have someone highly intelligent at home who happens to be a similar age to your DDs. It’s natural to compare them in your mind—but a bit risky If felt by girls.

No guilty feelings pls! You’re already reflecting on your thoughts, which is an important step. The key is to remain fair to all three. Your SD comes from a different cultural and educational background and now has an advantage of having a broader perspective on things. Our girls are products of this culture, influenced by the shallow trends, social media, schools, and peers. UK curriculum is the least progressive focused on knowledge gaining only and not a broader perspective. Sending abroad for volunteering programs for few month, change people a lot.

Also, we often see ourselves, our own insecurities in our daughters. Try thinking back to yourself at your DDs' age. Were you as deep reader, thinker, or debater as your SD?

Look this way—it’s actually fantastic for your DDs to have a sister like her around at this age. They're gaining a new perspective on life without traveling! And honestly, it's great for her as well. It seems, your SD certainly needs a bit more chilled approach to things like boys, and social life, and learn to be less cynical and more kind which is your DDs strong side (and it's not insignificant!).

As she won’t be with you forever, use chance to build meaningful connections among all of you and enjoy. Keep conversations open in the evenings, listen to DDs’ “boring” stories on boys and her more elevated ones. The more they hear from each other, the better it will be for all of them.