Am I a bad mother for liking my step-daughter more

[Clariey]

Okay first of all, I want to clarify, I love my daughters more than I love anyone on this planet, that’s not what this is about.

Background, I have 2 daughters, they are 19 and 21. Lovely girls, both still live at home and I think like most families we have our issues but I love them deeply. As they have gotten older I’ve struggled at times with “liking” them, it’s tricky to explain, as they have all the traits one would want their child to have, they are kind and intelligent, they are funny and in every way I’m proud of them.
However there are traits they both have that sometimes irritate me, a lack of self-awareness, a desperate need to follow every trend and sometimes I feel they lack any originality and seem to be incapable of thinking truly for themselves. We can’t discuss politics as they just regurgitate opinions heard on social media, they pick holidays based on wherever some influencer has said is cool. It often feels like I could be talking to any late teen/early 20s girl. This frustrates me as I’ve always believed in the power of forming your own thoughts and opinions, I feel like this often what makes someone really interesting.

My step-daughter is 22, she moved in with us in September as she moved to the uk for her masters. I never really knew her before this, my husband and her mother were never a couple, she was raised by her mother in one country most of the year then spent summers with her dad in another. When she first moved in with us, I found her hard to read, intensely private and to be honest I didn’t really get her or like her. I loved her as an extension of my husband but didn’t really know her as an individual. Over the months I’ve gotten to know her and I have realised I really like her as a person. She doesn’t seem fussed by trends, not in a contrarian way where if something is trendy she must hate it, more in a I like what I like regardless of the popularity sense. She is incredibly intelligent, she reads books by authors I’ve never heard of, is capable of having meaningful conversations about most topics, from politics to feminism and history. She’s happy to have her view point challenged and her supporting arguments are never “such and such on TikTok said such and such”. Don’t get me wrong I don’t think she is perfect, I think she can be extremely cynical and seems to be permanently dissatisfied with the world.

Lately I’ve felt like I’d rather talk to my stepdaughter than my own children, not because I don’t love my children or enjoy their presence but I sometimes find their life boring. They surround themselves by people who are just like them, all caught up in a whirlwind of trends. Conversations quickly turn to arguments as they get defensive if I ever question a thought process (my theory here is they don’t have a thought process but rather they are regurgitating an opinion, they can’t defend it or talk about it in any real depth as it’s not their own).

On the flip, I feel like my step-daughter challenges me intellectually which I really enjoy. She teaches me things I never knew, has recommended some books to me which have left me feeling haunted and changed as a person. Equally she is receptive to criticism, she is open to discussing anything in depth and being challenged on her views and even conceding that her own opinions aren’t always correct. I know partially it is because she isn’t my daughter, we don’t have the same bond or relationship and probably look at each other more as equals than my own daughters and I do (I think they view me as past my best and a relic of the past while I often view them as naive and immature). Then there is the fact that my step-daughter grew up in a very different world to my own, learning about her childhood, her home city and her culture is all fascinating to me.

Last night I was chatting to my step-daughter and my own daughter wanted to change the topic to a date she had been on recently. I realised I felt a sense of dread at hearing about it as it’s always the same story with a different character. However when my step-daughter goes to share a story from a date she’s been on I am keen to listen, this is because she often has more profound views on the dates, her standards for men are higher and she’s attracted to more interesting people. I felt awful afterwards as in my mind my own children should be my priority, I should be grateful that they want to let me into their life and me being bored by it makes me feel like a bad mother, they are my own flesh and blood, how can I be anything but excited to hear what they have to share?

Now I can’t sleep, I feel like I’ve let my children down in some way, both by comparing them to my step-daughter when they are wonderful people in their own right but also by failing to instil some of these qualities in them.

Has anyone else ever felt like this? Am I awful and unreasonable for feeling this way?

Meh. She’s just new and interesting whereas your DD is just your kid. People are trying to make out that your DD’s perceived negative characteristics are your fault for having raised her; textbook Mumsnet as women are of course responsible not only for own mistakes but for the mistakes our men and our DCs make.

In my professional field, it's often said that the parents of the professionals ignore any advice (in matters related to the profession) given by adult offspring.

I suspect that you may have some of this same blindness toward your daughters.

It’s interesting, I’ve been frustrated with my daughters stubbornness and one dimensional thinking for a while, but I figured it would be something they matured out of in time and that most young adults believed they were always right.

Step-daughters willingness to learn and I guess her introspectiveness and apparent maturity has thrown me a little as she’s only a few months older than my eldest.

The girls all get on okay, they have some shared interests which they bond over but you are right they don’t really hang around together.My younger daughter has said she finds step-daughter quite pretentious but then she is Italian and French so I think a slight air of pretentiousness is to be expected.

The step daughter us a similar age though and can manage it.

I get you Op. I struggle with my expectations too. It’s not a nice feeling.

Be pleased you raised lovely human beings. They will be living in their own worlds soon not our versions. Hopefully they will be happy, which is probably a better wish than cool or clever or cynical.

OP, I applaud your honesty and the fact you are questioning why you feel this way.

I don’t think you’ve mentioned your relationship with your husband? Do you have these kind of conversations with him?
Does he have them with your daughters (has he tried as they grew up) and does he have them with your step daughter?

I actually feel how you do about my partner! We met before social media existed and could converse, disagree and challenge each other about things. They increasingly lead their life on platforms whilst I don’t. We love each other and share some interests (beyond our DC) but if I’m being honest I feel that our different attitudes to social media and how that’s shaped our individual lives has accentuated our differences sadly.

I think @Dogaredabomb has hit the nail on the head. Your SD has opened your eyes to the joy of lively debate and conversation, perhaps you need to join an intellectual/ art type club. Then you won't have this expectation of your own daughters, but given time they may pleasantly surprise you. I think the fact that you love your daughters come across strongly in your posts, but do be careful about making them feel you are comparing them and/ or are disappointed in them. As others have said that will permanently damage your relationship ( speaking from personal experience as the disappointing daughter)
On a completely different note, what life changing books did SD recommend?? I have to know....

I have to say I didn't have these kind of in depth debates until I went to university and was debating regularly with my peers. If you haven't given your DDs that experience, they're likely to behave differently imo

I think it's fine to feel like you get on more with your stepdaughter. All 3 are adults and if they were colleagues you'd get on better with her, fine. But I do think you are comparing them with a huge intensity. I also think its still your job to try and connect with your daughters more.

They're just different, it's fine.

Agreed. You barely know this girl, and seem very shallow and easily impressed. Ironic.

I was just about to write something very similar to the first paragraph of the above in relation to your stepdaughter playing more the role of a friend in this instance.

I think you are confused because this person is your ‘stepdaughter’ and the guilt you feel
about enjoying talking to her more than your own daughters at times is causing you to doubt yourself in a variety of ways.

The two relationships are entirely different. I sometimes enjoy talking to my closest friend about certain topics more than I would my own daughters but I don’t love my friend like I do my own daughters.

You are not a bad mother, you’re just trying to make sense of your feelings.

Ones that have really stuck with me are Annie Ernoux’s books (A woman’s Story and the Years in particular) Natalia Ginzburg (especially The Dry Heart), Fleur Jaeggy, Sweet Days of Discipline and Leila Slimani Sex and Lies.

I think this is really honest. We don’t always get honesty and self awareness on here so its refreshing

She was brought up splitting her time between parents which possibly made her mature quickly -did your DDs get 1-1 with their DF or you for months each year?

This may have also left her with this underlying sadness.

I think as we are English speaking like the USA we are more dominated by social media than other countries.
Not your DDs fault.

I don’t think there’s anything abnormal in how you’re feeling, different cultures have different expectations of their children and your daughters sound like typical British young adults. There’s nothing wrong with that, it’s just the culture they’re in.

My own DD has grown up between two cultures (we moved here when she was about to start high school) and even she said she felt behind when talking to peers from our home country. I’m from a rural area but looking back now I think we had amazing, outstanding teachers. She is still very engaging and has done a lot of solo travelling since turning 18, but I guess she had something to compare it to.

I also think children from English speaking countries tend to live in a bubble and are rarely exposed to culture from other countries unless they actively seek it, which is why your SD can show you books etc you wouldn’t otherwise have heard of. My perspective on culture and “best ofs” has changed a lot since moving here, I realised a lot of those lists are completely anglocentric and faulty, at best.

Saying that - it doesn’t take a PhD to understand what’s happening to Palestinians is beyond abhorrent and unjustifiable. If nothing else, be happy your daughters have a heart.

I would shake your guilt. You can’t put them in the same box. You don’t know your SD all that well and I would say that you are allowed to enjoy her company as you would a new friend with whom you share commonality with.
Your daughters are your daughters and as they get older you are allowed to recognize them as individuals and adults with whom you don’t have a lot in common with. This often happens the other way around with kids realizing that their parents are such and such. Doesn’t mean you love them any less.

You are lumping them together because she is your husbands daughter which isn’t really fair on any of them.

What are the books?

No help from me. I have DS’s. Both grew out of trends and neither really been into influencers. They had to learn fast how to budget at 18 when they left for Uni. We are a family of healthcare professionals (even though I tried hard to dissuade my DC from this path!) so we always have something to discuss (not to everyone’s taste 😂).

What do your DD’s do? Uni? Work? Ever lived away from home?

It may not be as deep as you are making out. Just different life experiences.

I'd hate to have a 20 something step daughter who recommended me haunting books. At a dinner party I'd cringe more being sat next to the step daughter than either of the daughters.

So your daughter have different views and political opinions to you and aren’t neutral so the must only have tiktok views?

I think you are just on different wave lengths and possibly different political views so you assume they must be “trendy”

if your daughters recommended you a book would you even read it?

Step daughter is probably a bit more worldly wise and mature due to her upbringing. Your girls are probably still like baby birds in the nest having always been home. They’ve had very different upbringings. Even being a much older child than siblings can make someone more mature, or being an only child, it’s as simple as that in my opinion.

From your follow-up post it seems like you’re having a fundamental disagreement with your daughters about Gaza and you’re disappointed they’re not toeing your line. The new SD doesn’t seem to have a grounding in that situation, she just isn’t very clued up on it by her own admission so is agreeing with you. Your daughters are probably finding their relationship with you difficult too.

I think it's tricky for young people these days, there's a lot of #nodebate and you get more shamed for having the wrong opinion on something.

For me going away to university and meeting different people from different places was really transformative and horizon broadening. I don't know if that's as true now. I think there's only so much that you can do with today's culture for young people.

I'd try to as your DDs more questions, nothing complex but "what do you think?" when they start quoting.

I think you come across as a bit of a pretentious intellectual snob. Your daughters don't have to care deeply about the same issues as you in order to be intelligent, interesting people.

First of all, no, we actually share the same political views, I wouldn’t say I’m neutral on the war so that’s an assumption that is wrong. My issue isn’t their views it’s their inability to back anything up. They can spit one liners (which I can tell by the wording is not their own) but if asked to expand or presented with a follow up point can’t as they have none. I don’t challenge their views as I disagree with them I challenge them as I am interested and want to know more and I think it’s a good life skill to take a point and back it up.
I absolutely take book recommendations from my daughters, my eldest hasn’t picked up a book (for non academic purposes) since she left school so would have nothing to recommend (which is fine we don’t all have to be avid readers) and my youngest prefers fantasy and mythology which I have tried and not been interested in, again nothing wrong with these genres at all, I just have no interest in them.

I would say your daughters sound fun - I would rather hang out with them than discuss politics!! It’s good to have a grasp and understanding of what is going on in the world and ensure you are up to date - but you don’t HAVE to have an interest in politics to be an interesting human being. Why don’t you try taking an interest in what your daughters like and asking them questions?

I think in the uk children are given phones and social media at a young age. Shows like love island are often looked up to as an aim to be famous/rich. You say your daughter’s friends are the same. Your step daughter was brought up in a different country with a different type of society. I think the only way you can change the dynamics of conversations with your daughters is to challenge them more. For example another date that has gone the same way- point it out it’s a theme what could you change? What do you need etc? Your daughters are still young and they will grow up more and change in time. Maybe they are looking to you for guidance. But comparing them to your step daughter who you happen to have things in common with probably isn’t the best way to look at the situation.