Am I a bad mother for liking my step-daughter more

[Clariey]

Okay first of all, I want to clarify, I love my daughters more than I love anyone on this planet, that’s not what this is about.

Background, I have 2 daughters, they are 19 and 21. Lovely girls, both still live at home and I think like most families we have our issues but I love them deeply. As they have gotten older I’ve struggled at times with “liking” them, it’s tricky to explain, as they have all the traits one would want their child to have, they are kind and intelligent, they are funny and in every way I’m proud of them.
However there are traits they both have that sometimes irritate me, a lack of self-awareness, a desperate need to follow every trend and sometimes I feel they lack any originality and seem to be incapable of thinking truly for themselves. We can’t discuss politics as they just regurgitate opinions heard on social media, they pick holidays based on wherever some influencer has said is cool. It often feels like I could be talking to any late teen/early 20s girl. This frustrates me as I’ve always believed in the power of forming your own thoughts and opinions, I feel like this often what makes someone really interesting.

My step-daughter is 22, she moved in with us in September as she moved to the uk for her masters. I never really knew her before this, my husband and her mother were never a couple, she was raised by her mother in one country most of the year then spent summers with her dad in another. When she first moved in with us, I found her hard to read, intensely private and to be honest I didn’t really get her or like her. I loved her as an extension of my husband but didn’t really know her as an individual. Over the months I’ve gotten to know her and I have realised I really like her as a person. She doesn’t seem fussed by trends, not in a contrarian way where if something is trendy she must hate it, more in a I like what I like regardless of the popularity sense. She is incredibly intelligent, she reads books by authors I’ve never heard of, is capable of having meaningful conversations about most topics, from politics to feminism and history. She’s happy to have her view point challenged and her supporting arguments are never “such and such on TikTok said such and such”. Don’t get me wrong I don’t think she is perfect, I think she can be extremely cynical and seems to be permanently dissatisfied with the world.

Lately I’ve felt like I’d rather talk to my stepdaughter than my own children, not because I don’t love my children or enjoy their presence but I sometimes find their life boring. They surround themselves by people who are just like them, all caught up in a whirlwind of trends. Conversations quickly turn to arguments as they get defensive if I ever question a thought process (my theory here is they don’t have a thought process but rather they are regurgitating an opinion, they can’t defend it or talk about it in any real depth as it’s not their own).

On the flip, I feel like my step-daughter challenges me intellectually which I really enjoy. She teaches me things I never knew, has recommended some books to me which have left me feeling haunted and changed as a person. Equally she is receptive to criticism, she is open to discussing anything in depth and being challenged on her views and even conceding that her own opinions aren’t always correct. I know partially it is because she isn’t my daughter, we don’t have the same bond or relationship and probably look at each other more as equals than my own daughters and I do (I think they view me as past my best and a relic of the past while I often view them as naive and immature). Then there is the fact that my step-daughter grew up in a very different world to my own, learning about her childhood, her home city and her culture is all fascinating to me.

Last night I was chatting to my step-daughter and my own daughter wanted to change the topic to a date she had been on recently. I realised I felt a sense of dread at hearing about it as it’s always the same story with a different character. However when my step-daughter goes to share a story from a date she’s been on I am keen to listen, this is because she often has more profound views on the dates, her standards for men are higher and she’s attracted to more interesting people. I felt awful afterwards as in my mind my own children should be my priority, I should be grateful that they want to let me into their life and me being bored by it makes me feel like a bad mother, they are my own flesh and blood, how can I be anything but excited to hear what they have to share?

Now I can’t sleep, I feel like I’ve let my children down in some way, both by comparing them to my step-daughter when they are wonderful people in their own right but also by failing to instil some of these qualities in them.

Has anyone else ever felt like this? Am I awful and unreasonable for feeling this way?

Unfortunately we live in a time where the latest Tik Tok influencer is much more interesting than what is going on in Gaza. My daughter is very much like this, she loves Towie, Love Island and all kinds of superficial rubbish, whereas I can sit with my son and talk for hours about all kinds of topics, including what is going on in the World.
I'll listen to my daughter go on about whatever dilemma is happening in 'her world' but I just find it all so boring 🤦‍♀️

"I listed some earlier but
Annie Ernoux - A woman’s Story, The years, Simple Passions and The Happening
Natalia Ginzburg - All of them really but particularly The Dry Heart, The Road to the City and Family Lexicons
Marguerite Duras - Lover
Leila Slimani - Sex and Lies
Fleur Jaeggy - Sweet Days of Discipline"

Interesting. Can you give more info on how they were life changing?
I studied Duras's L'Amant and saw the film years ago and have read a couple of Annie Ernaux's books, but can't remember if the ones you mention are among them.

OP's DDs ARE interested in current affairs though. They may not be able to back up their opinions as well as OP would like, but there are plenty of people who take no interest at all.

@MissDoubleU I agree, I just get the “I’m not like other girls” energy because she sees herself and her SD as not ’following trends’ and as ‘independent thinkers’. I think it’s all rooted in misogyny.

But OP has described her daughters as having very strongly formed opinions on Gaza, they just aren’t HER opinions. She also describes her DSD as being “more educated” on the history but having a much more “‘neutral” response, which indicates a far less strong opinion and like she is intellectually distancing herself from the issue.

It sounds like her DD’s actually care more about the real issue of the genocide where her DSD would rather be in her own world with her books. The DD’s sound like amazing, intelligent women who genuinely give a fuck about the state of the world and want to see things change for the better. I would be extremely proud of them.

First, your feelings are valid and they don't make you a bad mother. They make you a human.
I have three children. My daughter is the oldest, and I've experienced loving her, but not always liking or understanding her. Now I am feeling the same for my middle child, and the youngest will probably be there in a few years. Granted, this seems to be connected to entering puberty, so I'm dealing with younger kids than your daughters, but the point remains that it could be a phase. Your daughters are still young, and still have growth and maturity to experience. In time, they'll likely have topics to discuss that interest you, etc. Perhaps your step daughter had life experiences that forced her to grow up sooner than she should have and that contributes to both her cynical nature, dissatisfaction, but also, her maturity and intellect you are so drawn to.
Don't worry, OP. "This too shall pass."

I think there is always a lot of emotional baggage and getting-on-each-other’s-nerves with mother—daughter relationships.

Your DSD comes without all that as you haven’t shared all the history.

Your own DD’s seemingly more ‘natural’, ‘limited’, ‘basic’ personality would probably seem extremely charming and refreshing if she just came onto the scene - I mean, if you’d been raising your step daughter for close to 20 years.

I think you need to take a step back and think about what you are doing and why. You are unfairly comparing your daughters with their step sister and finding them lacking. But there is no reason for there to be a competition between them.

Imagine one of your daughters had been to stay with a friend for a week and they come home raving about their friends mum.

• Kelly's mum is very glamorous.
• Kelly's mum only wears designer

-Kelly's mum makes the best Lasagne- much better than yours

• Kelly's mum speaks 3 languages
• Kelly's mum has a holiday home

-Kelly's mum drives a Porche

The point being it's not nice to be compared. Your daughters and your step daughter should be accepted as themselves and not compared.

If you want to give your daughters something different to talk about you could plan a trip for you all if they are up for it and finances permit. Maybe something like Rome/Pompeii travel around Italy on trains. But if you would all rather lay on a beach with a cocktail that's fine too.

Thank you!! This is exactly what I’ve been trying to illustrate. It’s the whole “Girls who like pink aren’t as clever as me, I like green. I’m different and smarter and make my own choices. I don’t follow trends like other girls.”

Fuck up. Other girls are great. Girls in pink and heels and nails done are great. Women who are intellectual free thinkers can and DO love TikTok and love island. Actually fight me on it. Internalised misogyny is disgusting and OP needs to evaluate why she dislikes her own daughters just for living their lives.

I don't want to read all nine pages but there's something about how you present yourself, describe your daughters and compare them to your step daughter that makes me profoundly uncomfortable.

You raised them, remember. How would you describe your efforts and influence on their upbringing in terms of developing their critical thinking skills, political awareness, etc etc. what are your conversational skills like?

This goes for their dad too but he's not the one criticising them. You are.

There's something very self aggrandisig about how generally 'good' you see yourself. As in you automatically loved your SD and are now close to her at the expense of your Ds. Bit of devaluation when they sound pretty normal to me and age appropriately politically aware?

Gaza and Israel, say, doesn't have to be seen entirely neutrally. It's highly emotive and divides opinion. War will do that.

Your SD may be very balanced and knowledgeable. Or, since she is new to living with the family, she may be maintaining a neutral stance for diplomacy on this subject.

Be honest, your daughters have been good enough for you until now. Maybe the issue is with you.

I love all my children (including dsd) and I genuinely like them all but out of the four, I would say that if I was choosing friends, I would be most likely to choose ds2 or maybe 3 (he’s not quite at adulthood yet so harder to say) over ds1 or dsd. I don’t love them any less.
There are lots of amazing people in this world who I wouldn’t choose to be friends with for a variety of reasons. One woman I know has a huge circle of friends, including some mutual friends, she is well liked and respected and we’ve had the opportunity to become friends but it’s never developed further than surface and I have no desire for it to (nor does she probably). I can’t really explain why, we just don’t ‘click’ in that way.
I suppose for you it’s difficult because it’s become dsd v your own dds in your mind. I suppose I’m here to say that I feel the same but it isn’t split step kid v bio kid. Don’t overthink it and enjoy each daughter for what they bring to your life.

This is all pure projection.

Just don't compare them, realistically there'll always be people that are good to talk with about certain topics, or who are easier company etc. You clearly love your daughters, children naturally trigger parents sometimes (more than another person the same age would). I don't see why you're comparing your dds with your sd, they're different people, with a different relationship to you. I've friends I'd rather talk to about certain topics than my husband - I don't "prefer" those friends to DH, it's a different relationship, I obviously love my husband, but sometimes he's not the right person to discuss certain things with.
I wonder if you need to reset a bit with your daughters and stop seeing them as a pro-con list, just recognise they've different priorities and interests than you. It's not really for you to "challenge" those priorities and interests, especially now they're adults, find common ground instead and enjoy the things you do all like doing together. It's grat you have a good relationship with your sd and have found that common ground with her.

I honestly think some of it is just cultural. Through work I have gotten to know or know of the teenage/late teenage girls of some of my colleagues who are German, Czech, French etc and they definitely seem less vapid and appearance/pop culture obsessed than their (in my case, Irish) contemporaries. They also have much more expectatations put upon them of being able to contribute intelligently to conversations, participate in family life, including meals, etc. Of course there are exceptions but in general terms, I think there are differences.

I haven’t been able to catch up on every comment but there’s a few recurring things I was to clarify.

1. I don’t disagree with my children’s political views or even entirely agree with my step-daughters. It’s not about that at all, it’s about wanting to have conversations which have some depth. They are not capable of this yet.
2. Obviously we discuss a wide variety of things from what to eat, the dog we seen in the park, the latest episode of a TV show we are all watching. Step-daughter is no less capable of these so I didn’t mention it
3. I think people have taken my descriptions as complete rather than as isolated aspects of my daughters vs stepdaughters, when that isn’t the case. My daughters are intelligent and both are at university (one studying nursing the other primary education). They stayed at home because they wanted to, we live in London, in a nice area and they have lots of friends they just didn’t want to leave.
4. I think people have created a very specific image of step-daughter that isn’t really true. It’s not that she doesn’t have fun, she does, she goes clubbing, and out for drinks with friends often, she dates (perhaps too much really), she has a love for travel, art and history. But she also uses social media, she is just more sceptical of the narrative that my daughters are. She views social media as a way of hearing new opinions and being introduced to new ideas rather than as a complete source of information. This is what frustrates me. It’s not the use of social media but rather the lack of awareness that social media (just as much as traditional media) can be wrong and any solid view point comes from having looked at something from all angles.
5. I have never said there is anything wrong with liking getting your hair and nails done or watching love island. All the girls get their hair and nails done often. They all share interests and qualities.

I spoke to my DH about this and he was pointing out that her childhood reality was quite different from my children. She grew up to a single mother, who didn’t have much money in Italy, her mother had her young and almost blamed her for being why she would never be successful and made it clear to step-daughter that she had to be successful, she’d given up her life for her and she had to make it worth it. Step-daughter has told her DH how often her mother would hit her, because her room wasn’t tidy enough, because her marks weren’t high enough because she came 2nd in a tennis tournament instead of first. Her mum passed away when she was 16 and she finished school living with her grandparents. I don’t think I fully grasped the pressure she had on her as a child. I imagine if my daughters sat down with step-daughter they would find very few shared experiences in their childhoods.

No wonder she is more sceptical and seems sad with that childhood 😬

Don't feel bad! It's perfectly normal to LOVE someone, but not LIKE them. I know how terrible it can make you feel, I have had times when I liked other kids more than my son, and I think I felt bad because I knew I had raised him better! I love him more than life and I adore him, I know my son is a lot younger than your girls (he turns 16 in a couple of months), so he is still maturing, he had a period when everything he'd found on YouTube was Scripture! But he's outgrown that. Your daughters will, too, once they start living their lives away from the safety of their home. Remember this: YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOTHER and the people who have said that are horrible! And your stepdaughter is not a new shiny toy, she is probably someone you resonate with more, and there's nothing wrong with it!

She never said she dislikes her daughters! Just that she likes her stepdaughter more! Nothing to cry to the winds about!

She’s a new exotic bird, fascinating because she’s different. Once you get used to her your crush may fade. She also isn’t your daughter, you can have a different kind of relationship with her.

I like your honesty.

Your step daughter sounds very mature indeed. No wonder, you describe a difficult childhood, being raised in two countries with what can be deemed an abusive mother who passes at a formative age. These sorts of experiences will expose someone to unfairness and nuance in their own situation and in the wider world too.

It’s not the use of social media but rather the lack of awareness that social media (just as much as traditional media) can be wrong and any solid view point comes from having looked at something from all angles. This is something you probably should have addressed with your girls earlier. Understanding different view points within the media, media bias, different perspectives through the lens of history - these are all discussions you can have with your children from primary school age and onwards. It then becomes more important still when they are actively using social media. I would say it’s never too late to start those discussions though.

Theyre young! They are liberal and following trends because that’s what you do. Give them a break, you don’t have kids to be intellectually stimulated by them

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There is nothing like living/working in another country to develop maturity and wisdom. It should be encouraged for everyone. My understandinng of the world was greater after working in Euope for 5 years and for 1 year in the US. I can sympathise with your frustration that your daughters regurgitate what they see on social media without really thinking about it. It seems to be the problem with that generation, I hope they grow out of it. I thank goodness that it wasn't available when I was in my teens, and that I can see two sides to arguments.

Wow your SD has had a really challenging, emotionally neglectful/abusive childhood and her experiences are still very current and will have shaped how she currently chooses to show up in the world. Totally understandable but she is likely emotionally immature/stunted through her adverse experineces and even though this doesnt present on the outside she is vulnerable and has so much healing and growth to go through. It seems she may be seeking your approval the only way she knows how by impressing / performing for your intellectually.

I think that your original post is possibly because you unconsciously sense that this dialogue is a deeper emotional maternal connection?

@ Clariey, Not the point of this thread but what books has she recommended to you that have left you feeling haunted and changed as a person?