Am I a bad mother for liking my step-daughter more

[Clariey]

Okay first of all, I want to clarify, I love my daughters more than I love anyone on this planet, that’s not what this is about.

Background, I have 2 daughters, they are 19 and 21. Lovely girls, both still live at home and I think like most families we have our issues but I love them deeply. As they have gotten older I’ve struggled at times with “liking” them, it’s tricky to explain, as they have all the traits one would want their child to have, they are kind and intelligent, they are funny and in every way I’m proud of them.
However there are traits they both have that sometimes irritate me, a lack of self-awareness, a desperate need to follow every trend and sometimes I feel they lack any originality and seem to be incapable of thinking truly for themselves. We can’t discuss politics as they just regurgitate opinions heard on social media, they pick holidays based on wherever some influencer has said is cool. It often feels like I could be talking to any late teen/early 20s girl. This frustrates me as I’ve always believed in the power of forming your own thoughts and opinions, I feel like this often what makes someone really interesting.

My step-daughter is 22, she moved in with us in September as she moved to the uk for her masters. I never really knew her before this, my husband and her mother were never a couple, she was raised by her mother in one country most of the year then spent summers with her dad in another. When she first moved in with us, I found her hard to read, intensely private and to be honest I didn’t really get her or like her. I loved her as an extension of my husband but didn’t really know her as an individual. Over the months I’ve gotten to know her and I have realised I really like her as a person. She doesn’t seem fussed by trends, not in a contrarian way where if something is trendy she must hate it, more in a I like what I like regardless of the popularity sense. She is incredibly intelligent, she reads books by authors I’ve never heard of, is capable of having meaningful conversations about most topics, from politics to feminism and history. She’s happy to have her view point challenged and her supporting arguments are never “such and such on TikTok said such and such”. Don’t get me wrong I don’t think she is perfect, I think she can be extremely cynical and seems to be permanently dissatisfied with the world.

Lately I’ve felt like I’d rather talk to my stepdaughter than my own children, not because I don’t love my children or enjoy their presence but I sometimes find their life boring. They surround themselves by people who are just like them, all caught up in a whirlwind of trends. Conversations quickly turn to arguments as they get defensive if I ever question a thought process (my theory here is they don’t have a thought process but rather they are regurgitating an opinion, they can’t defend it or talk about it in any real depth as it’s not their own).

On the flip, I feel like my step-daughter challenges me intellectually which I really enjoy. She teaches me things I never knew, has recommended some books to me which have left me feeling haunted and changed as a person. Equally she is receptive to criticism, she is open to discussing anything in depth and being challenged on her views and even conceding that her own opinions aren’t always correct. I know partially it is because she isn’t my daughter, we don’t have the same bond or relationship and probably look at each other more as equals than my own daughters and I do (I think they view me as past my best and a relic of the past while I often view them as naive and immature). Then there is the fact that my step-daughter grew up in a very different world to my own, learning about her childhood, her home city and her culture is all fascinating to me.

Last night I was chatting to my step-daughter and my own daughter wanted to change the topic to a date she had been on recently. I realised I felt a sense of dread at hearing about it as it’s always the same story with a different character. However when my step-daughter goes to share a story from a date she’s been on I am keen to listen, this is because she often has more profound views on the dates, her standards for men are higher and she’s attracted to more interesting people. I felt awful afterwards as in my mind my own children should be my priority, I should be grateful that they want to let me into their life and me being bored by it makes me feel like a bad mother, they are my own flesh and blood, how can I be anything but excited to hear what they have to share?

Now I can’t sleep, I feel like I’ve let my children down in some way, both by comparing them to my step-daughter when they are wonderful people in their own right but also by failing to instil some of these qualities in them.

Has anyone else ever felt like this? Am I awful and unreasonable for feeling this way?

Sorry have only read the OP and first few replies so apologies if this has already been said repeatedly.

@Clariey I think I wouldn't discount the 'you are not my mother' distance factor here. Your step daughter who as you said initially you didn't really know is probably relating to you more as she would any adult who is a stranger. She may very well be burbling about her dates in a similar way to your daughter to her own mother - or if not quite the same at least closer.

If you compared your daughter talking to an adult she doesn't know as well or in a work situation with your step daughter talking to her own mother, the gulf may not seem so wide.

There could also be a maturity issue here. Critical thinking is something that most intelligent people develop more strongly as they get older and people develop at different rates depending on their life experince.

Someone who has had a sheltered life in an all girls school and never worked will mature later than someone who had a part time job dealing with the public, was in mixed education with a wide variety of people from different backgrounds and has seen more 'real life'.

My DD has an exceptionally distinguished academic record. She is also totally at home with Tik Tok, fashion, and all the forms of popular culture you'd expect a young woman in her 20s to be into. It doesn't have to be either/or. The OP's concern is that her daughters ONLY have social media/popular culture shaping their thinking and she wishes they had more hinterland, as her DSD has, and knew how to formulate a fact-based argument. I think that's fair enough. In terms of politics, a lot of young people experience a formative event that switches them on to political realities - like the trebling of tuition fees or, for a much earlier generation, the Vietnam War. I'd recommend discussing their earliest political memories with them and asking them what they took from that. And encourage them to make links between their own lives and politics - e.g. why will they find it so difficult to buy a property of their own?

You're overthinking all of this. Your daughters are probably a bit immature because they've never been exposed to visiting parents living in different countries like your step-daughter did. She grew up faster and learnt to think for herself because it was the reality she lived with both parents living in different cultures and countries.

There is also the reality, hugely unacknowledged in MN, that as adults we connect differently with our children. We love them but it doesn't mean necessarily that we "like" them. They are adults with their own personalities that can't necessarily be blamed on a family environment - genetics, friends and society at large are as decisive as family education.

You are a great mom with daughters you love and in turn, trust you. You also have a lovely relationship with a step-daughter that was a stranger a few months ago. Enjoy it. Your DDs may be boring to have a conversation with today but they'll change and mature sooner than you can blink your eyes, while still created a solid adult foundation with your step s/d.

It's a win/win.

I know people have concerns at the lack of critical thinking skills of young adults in general. They seem to associate this with a questionable level of intellect, however they are young and impressionable and I’m sure they’ll find their way.

People might not like to hear this, but what terrifies me is that billions of people believe in a god. If we’re talking about lack of critical thinking, I will say faith (every single one so there is no discrimination there) is the most widespread example of a lack of critical analysis. That’s not to be disrespectful but to point out the advances in science and technology yet people still believe with nothing but blind faith. That’s their prerogative but it illustrated nicely that critical analysis/skills doesn’t alway equate to intelligence

I don't get this. There's nobody in the world ir rather spend time with than my children and everyone else is in their shadow in my opinion. Even on their bad days.

I don’t disagree with you at all. In fact I’m a big Aldous Huxley fan ! However, smart people can enjoy stupid things for many reasons. Even the most successful and very intelligent people. Sometimes it’s just a social thing, something easy to bond over. Something that doesn’t take any brain energy. An escape.
No real different to, say, a football game. I just think women get unfair criticism for anything they enjoy. “Oh, you like Taylor swift ? I like rocket science - we aren’t the same” like okay but you can enjoy both it isn’t that deep. You know what I mean?

In all honesty I think of myself at 19 and I was an absolute airhead hanging about a boy that was no good for me and going back like the outcome would change. Even at 22 I didn’t mature much.

I have only really come into myself through working (hard I may add), putting myself out there with new people and experiences. I am now 36 but I would say I was about 28 before I felt mature enough to hold a thought provoking conversation (confidently!!)

They have had different experiences in life and shaped different but your post comes across like you have put your step daughter on a pedistal and you are comparing your daughters…it comes across like they aren’t good enough in your eyes. As much as you love them and say that out loud your actions around them will be picked up by them too

You can't help how you feel and it's great that you really like, and are getting on with, your stepdaughter.

However try your best not to show your daughters that you (almost) prefer their half sister. They will mature more in time, you'll see.

You probably find your step dd more interesting because she is different and new. She is from another culture as well, so it is all so fascinating. She is also a little older then your girls, so maybe more mature. Okay, not by much, but perhaps she has had other experiences that has led to her being more mature.

Well no doubt, because I think she has raised a good and important point.

I personally think the whole guilt/stepdaughter/dd dynamic is a bit peripheral. I think the real substance in op’s post is about how brain-dead we are letting our society become.

You remind me of my mother and my SIL's, she always preferred them to me. She tried to hide it at first but as time went on and more SIL's were acquired it was impossible for her. There was one SIL who she clearly adored and the funny part is looking back, that woman was a pure bitch, two faced and generally a terrible person.

But she was very pretty and could be witty and my mother judged people on their looks so they were close.

I used to resent it, it was so obvious that she loved her a lot more than me. Then I got older and realized they were both shallow women and I was happy to be left out.

Your daughters know how you feel and if you think you're hiding it you're not.

"I doubt it’s got anything to do with how they were raised (as some people seem to be saying) but just different personalities and experiences. "

Where do you think personalities and experiences come from?

I think you don't need to worry or beat yourself up over this reaction. She sounds like a great SD and she fits into your family and doesn't make any trouble.

"how brain-dead we are letting our society become."

Go and talk to some old people who read the tabloids and never even use social media. There have always been uninformed people, not that OP's daughters are particularly uninformed.

They are very young women. Let them enjoy what they enjoy? What an extremely weird way to look at your daughters. They are not the same age as you and don’t have the same life experience.

Sounds like your daughters are acting their ages whereas your dsd is acting more mature for an age and more like a friend/adult you can relate to. I’d give it time with your daughters - we were all like this at this age. I’d keep talking to them all equally

You and your children are just really different and I think you’re seeing your SD more in the way you would see a friend, as you haven’t been a part of her life growing up. I would cut your daughters a bit of slack though as you sound like you feel superior to them. Not everyone wants to debate politics and talk about intellectual things and be intellectually challenged. People are all different. Perhaps your daughters find you heavy going and a lot in the same way you seem to see them as vacuous.

It sounds as though your step-daughter had a difficult childhood with her mum and after her mum died. Her mum sounds abusive and that will have had a significant effect on your step-daughter and she obviously had to grow up very quickly.

Where was your DH, her dad, when all this was going on? Did he know about the abuse when it was happening? Why did she go to her grandparents after her mum died, rather than go to her dad? None off this is showing him in a particularly good light.

How sad if that’s true.

Christ, this is awful. You're a parent , your kids aren't supposed to be your friends.
You're friends with your step daughter. Not another woman wanting a best friend in her children. Boak

It’s not really her step-daughter. She’s only just met her all grown up. No parenting relationship involved.

I think our own family members can trigger us more and we have more expectations on them

It's easy to meet a stranger and like them more as a friend.

Imagine if your daughters said 'I love my mum but I have much better chats with my stepmum she feels like a more interesting friend more on my level' - quite possible that that could happen

Ps your stepdaughter will be on best behaviour here. She probably lets out a more childish side with her mother

I think it was mentioned up thread that the SD's mum died years ago.