Am I a bad mother for liking my step-daughter more

[Clariey]

Okay first of all, I want to clarify, I love my daughters more than I love anyone on this planet, that’s not what this is about.

Background, I have 2 daughters, they are 19 and 21. Lovely girls, both still live at home and I think like most families we have our issues but I love them deeply. As they have gotten older I’ve struggled at times with “liking” them, it’s tricky to explain, as they have all the traits one would want their child to have, they are kind and intelligent, they are funny and in every way I’m proud of them.
However there are traits they both have that sometimes irritate me, a lack of self-awareness, a desperate need to follow every trend and sometimes I feel they lack any originality and seem to be incapable of thinking truly for themselves. We can’t discuss politics as they just regurgitate opinions heard on social media, they pick holidays based on wherever some influencer has said is cool. It often feels like I could be talking to any late teen/early 20s girl. This frustrates me as I’ve always believed in the power of forming your own thoughts and opinions, I feel like this often what makes someone really interesting.

My step-daughter is 22, she moved in with us in September as she moved to the uk for her masters. I never really knew her before this, my husband and her mother were never a couple, she was raised by her mother in one country most of the year then spent summers with her dad in another. When she first moved in with us, I found her hard to read, intensely private and to be honest I didn’t really get her or like her. I loved her as an extension of my husband but didn’t really know her as an individual. Over the months I’ve gotten to know her and I have realised I really like her as a person. She doesn’t seem fussed by trends, not in a contrarian way where if something is trendy she must hate it, more in a I like what I like regardless of the popularity sense. She is incredibly intelligent, she reads books by authors I’ve never heard of, is capable of having meaningful conversations about most topics, from politics to feminism and history. She’s happy to have her view point challenged and her supporting arguments are never “such and such on TikTok said such and such”. Don’t get me wrong I don’t think she is perfect, I think she can be extremely cynical and seems to be permanently dissatisfied with the world.

Lately I’ve felt like I’d rather talk to my stepdaughter than my own children, not because I don’t love my children or enjoy their presence but I sometimes find their life boring. They surround themselves by people who are just like them, all caught up in a whirlwind of trends. Conversations quickly turn to arguments as they get defensive if I ever question a thought process (my theory here is they don’t have a thought process but rather they are regurgitating an opinion, they can’t defend it or talk about it in any real depth as it’s not their own).

On the flip, I feel like my step-daughter challenges me intellectually which I really enjoy. She teaches me things I never knew, has recommended some books to me which have left me feeling haunted and changed as a person. Equally she is receptive to criticism, she is open to discussing anything in depth and being challenged on her views and even conceding that her own opinions aren’t always correct. I know partially it is because she isn’t my daughter, we don’t have the same bond or relationship and probably look at each other more as equals than my own daughters and I do (I think they view me as past my best and a relic of the past while I often view them as naive and immature). Then there is the fact that my step-daughter grew up in a very different world to my own, learning about her childhood, her home city and her culture is all fascinating to me.

Last night I was chatting to my step-daughter and my own daughter wanted to change the topic to a date she had been on recently. I realised I felt a sense of dread at hearing about it as it’s always the same story with a different character. However when my step-daughter goes to share a story from a date she’s been on I am keen to listen, this is because she often has more profound views on the dates, her standards for men are higher and she’s attracted to more interesting people. I felt awful afterwards as in my mind my own children should be my priority, I should be grateful that they want to let me into their life and me being bored by it makes me feel like a bad mother, they are my own flesh and blood, how can I be anything but excited to hear what they have to share?

Now I can’t sleep, I feel like I’ve let my children down in some way, both by comparing them to my step-daughter when they are wonderful people in their own right but also by failing to instil some of these qualities in them.

Has anyone else ever felt like this? Am I awful and unreasonable for feeling this way?

Just for perspective, my 60yo friend has a mum who was born in 1940 (not 1920!)

Why do we need to put these young people in boxes anyway? It’s not that black and white. My young adult daughter loves Love Island and is always saving up for the latest lipgloss she saw on TikTok. She is also passionate about the environment and is studying STEM at Oxbridge.

These young people are starting out and developing personalities. And they will be affected by many external factors. I changed so much in my twenties. How about we don’t write these young women off aged 19 and 21?

The OPs kids aren't saying they know nothing about Israel Palestine, they are spouting simplistic views without any knowledge. OP isn't setting them politics quizes before breakfast, they are sharing their willfully ignorant views.

Agree with this. And please don't let your daughters catch on to how you feel.

Well for starters it is deeply inappropriate in an adoptive situation. My daughter has already had numerous mothers - birth mother, two foster mothers, me, and she doesn't need another one. The removal of a child from birth mother is potentially catastrophic in terms of attachments. Adoptive families have to spend years growing these attachments. You don't just welcome a 2 year old into your family and that's that. Adoption is incredibly complex and the mother figure for these children is often highly fraught because of previous experiences. My daughter and I had years of attachment therapy because all her previous mothers had "abandoned" her. The last thing someone like this needs is another mother figure, especially one who never has to set boundaries, get her to do her homework etc. Just treats and positive interactions. That sets a child up for "splitting", where there is "good" mummy" and "bad" mummy and therapists will have a field day with this as well. We were told up front about this playing out- apparently people often act like adopted kids are public property. They feel able to take liberties they wouldn't with someone's birth child and, like I've explained, the child is often thrilled to have the attention without the attachment.

People who have had difficult childhoods are often forced to ‘grow up’ too quickly. I work in mental health and I do not feel that this is a good thing.

That's like my dream, for my kids friends to think I'm fun and cool! That and getting on Live Island 40 somethings edition.

But that’s it exactly, step-daughter is like your daughter, she’s not anti-trends, she loves Taylor swift, drools over Charles Leclerc and happily sits and picks out dresses with my daughters. I never said you can’t be intelligent, cultures and worldly, but also feminine and young, I never once said that!

Stepdaughter is kind of misleading here because you haven’t really known this woman as a child and raised her with all the deep complexities that generates with both bio and stepchildren. You have found someone you are enjoying on the level of a friend, whereas your children are not your friends, they’re your kids. That’s it. It’s like of course I like my friends in a more sociable way than I like my kids. That’s why we have friends. I wouldn’t complicate it with the ‘daughter’ issue as this woman isn’t your daughter in any substantial way. (I’m comparing here as a stepmum who has been in DSD’s life since she was 6, and been there to raise her through different stages and see all the ways she is flawed and brilliant, as with my own kids. Meeting an adult who I have shared interests with doesn’t even compare really.)

It's nothing to do with the way your daughter's were brought up. Ignore everyone saying that. I have five sons, I love them all but three of them are very different to me personality wise and two are very similar. I hate to say it but I think it's about whether you are an intellectual thinker or not. Just because you gave birth to them it doesn't mean you will automatically get on like a house on fire once they're adults. Don't beat yourself up, as long as your girls know you love them it's fine.

So when your daughters like popular things they’re victim to following trends and when your DSD loves Taylor swift its.. an intellectual decision of her own free will? And nothing to do with her extreme popularity?

I'm a reasonably intellectual free thinker, and I think that Love Island is vapid, watched by some as aspirational but many as modern day bear baiting. Literally pastic people desperately faking emotions so they can be influencers. It's tragic in a Brave New World way.

Her background is highly relevant here imo. I mentioned my adopted daughters and how they zoom in on mother figures and make them feel amazing. Well-adjusted kids don't do this. They know they are loved and valued and they don't seek affirmation everywhere they go.

Perhaps this girl wants your admiration and is giving you what you want. She is in a vulnerable situation - away from home, lost her mother.

I would say to be careful. You may not be seeing the real her. My daughter used to bring home friends who apparently adored me - they all turned out to be incredibly damaged and some seriously crazy stuff happened in the end. But it was lovely at first when I was basically being love bombed. I was also so much more enjoying their company. All an illusion unfortunately.

She’s just ‘new’

I think it’s fine. In the same way you might enjoy a friend’s company more than your children’s for certain conversations.

You didn’t raise her so you don’t have that parental role in her life. She’s a nice adult and you like her, just be pleased with that.

This doesn’t mean you don’t love your daughters - although I imagine if you’re all together it might make it hard for your children who might vie for your attention or particularly dislike your step child.

Most people would prefer people to be down to earth than a stuck up snob….

It feels like you are talking to a late teen/early 20’s girl? But that’s exactly what they are! They are just kids still. And they are different from your step daughter but that’s ok, we are all different. I doubt it’s got anything to do with how they were raised (as some people seem to be saying) but just different personalities and experiences. You might feel like you have more in common with your step daughter and that’s ok too. It’s not our job to raise children that are the same as us, like the same things, have all the same values, and by this age they are their own people. As you say, you love them. Enjoy having a close relationship with your step daughter. But if you want to ‘like’ your biological daughters more, then try to meet them where they are, be a bit less snobby (sorry, that’s how you come across!) and recognise and embrace their strengths and individuality. They might follow every trend, but that means they are perceptive. They might repeat political opinions expressed by influencers, but at least they are listening. They have loads and loads of time to develop their own opinions and knowledge base. Maybe you could challenge them by asking questions that help them think critically or by asking ‘but what do YOU think?’. Do they spend much time with their step sister? Because that might also help them broaden their horizons.

I remember my cousin came and stayed for a fortnight when my sister and I weren’t there, when we were all in our teens, my cousin being a bit older. She enthused about how great our mum was, which we couldn’t see then though I could later. I suspect there’s an element of it being a grown up relationship while yours with your daughters is parent/child.

But also, she sounds really interesting, and exceptionally intelligent and engaged.

Yes, this really. Your SD is not really any different than a colleague at work (as in you weren’t involved in her upbringing), of the same age who you get on with really well with. Would you be on here comparing a colleague to your daughters or just see her as a separate entity with no comparisons required?

I don't use tiktok myself, but i assume out of its 1.8 billion users, some of them might be 'intellectuals'

I think this is slightly skewing the point.

The point is not that noone intellectual can ever use social media. Rather, reliance on social media tends to expose people to less rigorously edited information and views. It also tends to attract people who like and are accepting of being told what to think - often because of the sound-bite or sensationalised delivery styles.

So there are 2 points I'd like to make. The first is do not compare your kids to anyone they are unique and teenagers go through phases ,comparison can be so damaging and be carried through future relationships. I say this having experienced this first hand. I was regularly compared to a girl my mum perceived as a saint when really she was far from and this was very upsetting to me as I always felt like I was not good enough . The 2nd point is I dont think you are a bad person for having more in common with your step daughter right now at this point in life as that doesn't define your love it sounds more like a friendship where you gel with her ( probably because she's not your own) you dont get involved in as many decisions about her life im guessing or get as protective over her hence generating a defense. Teens in general rebel against parents so it's way easier to relate to one that isn't yours because the sense of responsibility isn't the same. Im sure one day your girls will grow and maybe even become parents theirselves and the relationship will shift. It may even shift before . Take it as a phase and stop over analysing the fact you get on with your step daughter and have more common ground with her for now. It doesn't mean she is better or less than your kids you are allowed to form human connections and love your kids at the same time. The two things are separate and I'm sure you being a friend to your step daughter also makes it much easier for her to open up to you so it's just different like i said ! Enjoy the fact you have a healthy relationship with a step child and see if you can get some quality time and mutual ground with your own kids maybe try engaging in something they like and making an effort with it even in a small capacity if you want to relate some more

It’s fine if they ARE going to develop, but I think what worries op is that they are just tuned in to a whole other wavelength that isn’t leading in that direction. I don’t think this is an unjustified fear.

There are some seriously immature “adults” coming out of their youth these days - so much so that some of them I still think of as teens or early twenties then get a shock when I actually do the maths. A lot of it is because the views propounded are “don’t look too close” 👀 reasonings. They sound snappy. They sound sassy. They sound superficially appealing. However they don’t stand up to scrutiny, so scrutiny is discouraged.

You sound rather like the op

The lack of critical thinking + getting news from social media is the subject of a fair amount of political science research these days. Women like your daughters are voters. When you look at which and how many politicians of each major party in the UK is on TikTok, the correlation with election results is terrifying.

It's nothing new. When I was your DD's age I definitely had a moment or two when I thought voters should have a minimum two A-Levels at pass grade to be eligible to vote (I hang my head in shame).

As long as your DDs aren't refusing to think critically, and are open-minded, this is just a prompt for you to help them delve a bit deeper. Don't stop at letting them repeat verbatim whatever they saw on their phones. Keep digging, but without criticism and only curiosity. And make news accessible around them: have the radio on, leave magazine articles lying around, discuss at the dinner table etc.

And, even if they're not interested and are happy as they are: well, there's nothing you can do about it. Everyone is entitled to research as/if they see fit. As their parent, however, I would be making sure that they realise they are being used. If they're ok with that: fine. But at this age they may feel the "we can't stop it so why bother" apathy and THAT is what you have a duty to work on imo.