Am I a bad mother for liking my step-daughter more

[Clariey]

Okay first of all, I want to clarify, I love my daughters more than I love anyone on this planet, that’s not what this is about.

Background, I have 2 daughters, they are 19 and 21. Lovely girls, both still live at home and I think like most families we have our issues but I love them deeply. As they have gotten older I’ve struggled at times with “liking” them, it’s tricky to explain, as they have all the traits one would want their child to have, they are kind and intelligent, they are funny and in every way I’m proud of them.
However there are traits they both have that sometimes irritate me, a lack of self-awareness, a desperate need to follow every trend and sometimes I feel they lack any originality and seem to be incapable of thinking truly for themselves. We can’t discuss politics as they just regurgitate opinions heard on social media, they pick holidays based on wherever some influencer has said is cool. It often feels like I could be talking to any late teen/early 20s girl. This frustrates me as I’ve always believed in the power of forming your own thoughts and opinions, I feel like this often what makes someone really interesting.

My step-daughter is 22, she moved in with us in September as she moved to the uk for her masters. I never really knew her before this, my husband and her mother were never a couple, she was raised by her mother in one country most of the year then spent summers with her dad in another. When she first moved in with us, I found her hard to read, intensely private and to be honest I didn’t really get her or like her. I loved her as an extension of my husband but didn’t really know her as an individual. Over the months I’ve gotten to know her and I have realised I really like her as a person. She doesn’t seem fussed by trends, not in a contrarian way where if something is trendy she must hate it, more in a I like what I like regardless of the popularity sense. She is incredibly intelligent, she reads books by authors I’ve never heard of, is capable of having meaningful conversations about most topics, from politics to feminism and history. She’s happy to have her view point challenged and her supporting arguments are never “such and such on TikTok said such and such”. Don’t get me wrong I don’t think she is perfect, I think she can be extremely cynical and seems to be permanently dissatisfied with the world.

Lately I’ve felt like I’d rather talk to my stepdaughter than my own children, not because I don’t love my children or enjoy their presence but I sometimes find their life boring. They surround themselves by people who are just like them, all caught up in a whirlwind of trends. Conversations quickly turn to arguments as they get defensive if I ever question a thought process (my theory here is they don’t have a thought process but rather they are regurgitating an opinion, they can’t defend it or talk about it in any real depth as it’s not their own).

On the flip, I feel like my step-daughter challenges me intellectually which I really enjoy. She teaches me things I never knew, has recommended some books to me which have left me feeling haunted and changed as a person. Equally she is receptive to criticism, she is open to discussing anything in depth and being challenged on her views and even conceding that her own opinions aren’t always correct. I know partially it is because she isn’t my daughter, we don’t have the same bond or relationship and probably look at each other more as equals than my own daughters and I do (I think they view me as past my best and a relic of the past while I often view them as naive and immature). Then there is the fact that my step-daughter grew up in a very different world to my own, learning about her childhood, her home city and her culture is all fascinating to me.

Last night I was chatting to my step-daughter and my own daughter wanted to change the topic to a date she had been on recently. I realised I felt a sense of dread at hearing about it as it’s always the same story with a different character. However when my step-daughter goes to share a story from a date she’s been on I am keen to listen, this is because she often has more profound views on the dates, her standards for men are higher and she’s attracted to more interesting people. I felt awful afterwards as in my mind my own children should be my priority, I should be grateful that they want to let me into their life and me being bored by it makes me feel like a bad mother, they are my own flesh and blood, how can I be anything but excited to hear what they have to share?

Now I can’t sleep, I feel like I’ve let my children down in some way, both by comparing them to my step-daughter when they are wonderful people in their own right but also by failing to instil some of these qualities in them.

Has anyone else ever felt like this? Am I awful and unreasonable for feeling this way?

It was

The problem is that kindness is, I would agree, a most important character trait.

But when we are fed a narrative as to what constitutes kind, it all becomes a little meaningless.

“ Kind” is a concept we all agree on in the abstract; it’s tangible content looks very different depending on your views and analysis.

I've only read your responses OP, but it sounds like you're doing the all too common thing of devaluing what you have (your daughters) for someone shiny, new and from a different environment.

The frustrations you're expressing are really common for young people getting their news and commentary from algorithms. The likelihood is that your daughters will be challenged in their opinions and grow in time.

Your OP really sounds like you respond to your daughters as a parent but your stepdaughter as a charming new person for whom you don't feel that level of responsibility for and therefore frustration with if you see what I mean.

If i’m honest I don’t think it’s about maturity, culture or any of that.

Your step-daughter simply has a different personality (as we all do) and you like her! Nothing wrong with that, nothing wrong with liking people more than others, even family, we all do it. I’d get bored as hell listening to someone banging on about dates, their bum and the Kardashians as well - Duller than dishwater.

But you love your daughters more - you’d crawl over your step daughters body (figuratively and with guilt) to get to your daughters if they needed you and that’s as it should be.

As for not thinking, I have a friend like this, she can be hard work as she rants on about things angrily and viciously with no real idea what she’s saying. Over the years I’ve found ways to pull her up on it. Even clearly telling her that unless she can give me
three provable, demonstrable reasons for her thoughts I’ll just assume she’s ranting like a child and not to be engaged with. And firmly telling her that if I have to listen to her view then she has to listen to mine, and if she won’t engage in actual discussion inshit it down tellling her “you have no interest in the truth or a discussion your just being hateful”. It’s taken time, but I’ve managed to drag her back down and force actual conversations, even got her to acknowledge it may not be as simple as she’d like on occasion! But it is hard, essentially arguing with an algorithm and someone that doesn’t understand that the internet lies!

Totally agree.

Hey OP, in the way you find them mundane and boring they probably like their mates Mothers better than you. They probably find them more fun and cool and you not so, so all equal I’d say.

Your children are a product of their upbringing. Remove them from the virtual world and expose them to the real one.

I 100% agree about moving out and gaining independence but I am not surprised that your friends didnt speak to their own mothers - who were likely born a hundred years ago in the 1920s - about expectations and boundaries within successful intimate relationships. We have come a long way since with respect to our understanding of emotional intelligence to build the foundations of equal relationships. IMHO there ar red flags and green flags that we as older woman have experienced or observed or informed ourselves about that are good to share with our daughters if appropriate.

The step daughter doesnt appear to have learned resilience - she's very dissatisfied and seemingly unable to let her hair down and embrace fun in her youth?

I understood the sarcasm immediately and got your point.

Your poor daughters

Agree, this is about you op, not about any perceived inadequacies of your daughters. Always always look inward.

My Dad was like this, jealous of what others had unable to see what he had. Horrible feeling as a child, it’s worse here as you are counting this random woman as a daughter.

I think I would adjust my mindset here. Sit back a little; allow some time and space for these 3 young ladies to bond and influence each another. In the long (and short) term their relationship is important and it sounds like they could learn a lot from one another.

I would never say you are being unreasonable for having feelings, we are only human, but I want to be very honest here and say I think you are projecting your own disappointment on your parenting on to your children. I think by way of comparison your step daughter is the children you thought you were raising and your daughters are what you have raised. The points you bring up about their perceived lack of depth ultimately lay at your feet, and if this presents a challenge for you then I would suggest that you also consider having a conversation with your daughters about how you feel about their relationship with not only yourself but with how they consume media and use this an opportunity for them to be aware of where they are getting their information from, about the perils of social media, guide them to other sources of information where they can form well rounded opinions on topics of interest and discussion. Make book recommendations, or even better perhaps suggesting starting your own family book club or doing other cultural activities. It’s not enough as a parent to say “they’ve grown and I’m a bit disappointed”. No matter what age we are a guide for our children and if you are unhappy with what your children are shaping up to be then I would suggest empathetic intervention by way of loving and caring communication and education, and of course not comparing them to others, which is what you are doing. UANBU for having feelings, but you ABU for having the feelings and not taking charge of them and changing things.

So many people have fallen into social media brainwashing and as someone who hasn't, I'm not surprised that you don't find the company of those who have, interesting. It's nothing to do with whether they're your daughters or not. You love them to death but you have nothing in common with them and there's a part of you, I'm sure, that feels maybe you could have done more to stop them falling into the cult of following influencers blindly etc. It's my biggest worry with my daughter as she grows up. I find it hard to respect people with superficial values and no original opinions but I'm very aware she could end up worshipping nonsensical, materialistic notions as this is the world she's living in.
Your step-daughter showing up has just highlighted the situation. You don't prefer her, it's just that the stark contrast between her and your daughters has made you more aware of their value systems and it's making you feel like you've failed as a parent. Hopefully, as they mature, you'll find more common ground with them.

Hi all my 3 yr old grandson who I have custody of has been bitten 13 times in past year by same boy in nursery, nursery is attached to the school.... the end teacher has done nothink to help.... I pulled my boy out of nursery yesterday and the teachers said the boy who bites can stay in school.... where do I go from here?. My boy is having nightmares already over it thanks

Your daughter's and your step daughter are all adult women but they'll still be maturing emotionally and cognitively until at least age 25.

As parents we don't have to be friends with our children and that's quite a modern idea really. I now have a lovely parent-plus-friendship relationship with my own mother but it took until well into my 30s before it became balanced and even in my 40s I would sometimes feel like I 'regressed' into that child-to-parent role whenever I went home. Your daughter's haven't even left home yet so they have yet to develop that different adult relationship with you.

You don't have to have similar interests to your children, nor follow similar political or even religious ideas. And you don't have to agree with or like their interests or beliefs to still love them as a parent, which you have made clear that you do.

As for your step daughter, you have only ever known her as an adult so you don't have that patenting duty and you are free to be friends with her if you like. But don't make the mistake of comparing her to your daughters. Comparison is the thief of joy and this is not an equal comparison in any case. [Comparing your two daughters to each other would be more equal and equally unwise].

Thank you.

Because I’m quite clearly against calling anyone a “silly little girl” and have argued tirelessly on this thread in favour of women enjoying anything they like. That being an intellectual and not being on social media are not the same thing. It doesn’t make you smarter just because you ignore trends. Trends are fine. In fact. I would even argue that the DSD’s decision to stay “neutral” on discussions such as the mass genocide of an entire people is a clear example of her own intillectual immaturity and inability to form clear opinions.

A very strong pro-Gaza stance is not the popular or “easy” choice in private or in public. People are losing their jobs, especially anyone public facing, for saying these things. Sitting on the fence with “oh well if only everyone could get along” approach is not clever. It is an idealistic and pseudo-intellectual response. You can read as many books as you like but if you can’t use your intelligence to strongly stand for something important it isn’t worth too much. Fence sitters, especially those who try to say they are doing so from an “intellectual” viewpoint are the worst. Removing all the humanity from a very real human issue. It’s a viewpoint of extreme privilege.

Familiarity breeds contempt.
Or in this case, unfamiliarity breeds fascination.
You're just having a little crush perhaps.

Please excuse the errant apostrophe in the first line!! 😱

She sounds more academic and intelligent than your dds. I guess not everyone can have a high IQ, but it's good that they have other positive qualities.

Hi. You need to start your own thread. You have posted in somebody else’s thread. You will get better responses if you start your own topic.

I think YABU you’ve basically depicted your DDs as vapid airheads with nothing to contribute and I feel like you’re heavily romanticising about your SD. I guarantee you they’ll feel this and they’ll notice that you have all these heart to hearts with SD and not them, I’d tread lightly and try to make more effort in getting to know them as intimately as you seem to know SD.

I thought I did... dunno how to delete this post

Random fact I heard the other day - intelligence is inherited from the mother. Apparently the father makes no difference.

Based on everything you've described, comparison is the thief of joy. You are directly comparing how your DDs are to your SD and sound very disappointed in how your DDs have turned out.

There will be people who frequent the Stately Homes thread, who talk about how they were frequently told in no uncertain terms what an abject disappointment they were to their DM, and here you are illustrating the point.

you started your OP by stating how much you love your DDs but that's your get out of jail free card to discuss them on here in such harsh and disparaging terms, that they are vacuous compared to their step sister who is so intellectual and so switched on and whose company you enjoy more than your own offspring. Aren't you in the least bit worried that they can access MN and recognise themselves?

I feel really for them and hope they don't pick up on your disappointment in how they've turned out, because it will haunt them for their entire lives.

So did I. Also:

There is absolutely nothing wrong with rejecting social media.

This is equivalent to saying there is absolutely nothing wrong with rejecting books, the printing press, cave drawings? SM is just a communication vehicle - its the content and context that's relevent. SM can give access to significant, real-time up to date debates, evidence, sources etc from geo-politics to nail polish - you can have space in your life for both.