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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To desperately ask for friend help!

146 replies

Pineapplepie · 21/05/2025 22:16

I need advice. I don’t know what to do.

Childhood best friend is getting married imminently. When she got engaged she asked me to be Bridesmaid
I thought everything was fine. Never heard anything about BM duties. Hen do was booked (somewhere very expensive and foreign that I couldn’t afford to go on) and it was clear new BM had been chosen and I was no longer a bm. No biggie.
But I’ve just found out I’m only invited to the evening do. I thought the wedding only started at 3pm. But I’ve just found out from my other friends, that the actual wedding is at 11:00 and all my friends are still bm, sitting at the top table, and I’m only invited to the evening do. 😭
I’m gutted. My husband didn’t want to go after I’d been demoted from BM duties anyway.
I won’t know anyone at the evening do and I’ll be all on my own. I really don’t know what to do. How to proceed? What to say? How to get out of it.

She clearly doesn’t value me as much as I thought and as much as I value her.

My mum thinks I should pull her up on it. She has form for excluding me, she used exclude me socially a lot, as she used to take illicit substances and didn’t want me to.
I’m quite a people pleaser and I just want everyone to be happy.

I am not being entitled here at all and I totally understand it’s her wedding she can have whoever she does or doesn’t want there and I’m honoured that she wants me to be there for part of her day, but I’m hurt that we’ve been friends for over 20 years and she didn’t feel like she could talk to me before making changes, or cutting me out because I would honestly give her a kidney, I’d do absolutely anything to see her happy.

I’m so so sad. Any advice on how to not be gratefully received

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 21/05/2025 22:20

I wouldn’t go. An evening do isn’t a wedding - no ceremony, vows, speeches - it’s just a party. It sounds like she doesn’t feel the two of you are close as you do, that’s always upsetting to realise, but she’s got form from what you say. I’d pull away from the relationship.

youcannaecallherfanny · 21/05/2025 22:22

No way I’d be going

eldermillenialmum · 21/05/2025 22:23

All the people at the wedding will be at the evening do presumably so not sure how you won't know anyone?

That aside you don't have a right to be invited to the actual wedding just because your friends are, however, I think it's reasonable to raise with her the fact you were pleased when she asked you to be bridesmaid but hurt that she then excluded you without explanation. You say she's getting married imminently so I wouldn't ask her until after the wedding and in the meantime decide whether or not you still want to go.

Personally I think you can't take issue with not being invited to the wedding if you accepted the reception invitation and you must have known sooner that you've been "demoted" from BM duties so it's a bit late to pull out now.

If you're friends with the other BMs you could ask if they know anything but don't cause drama on your friend's wedding.

Original poster
Pineapplepie · 21/05/2025 22:23

Is it rude to cancel now. I worry they’ll have paid for a spot for DH and I. But I don’t know if I’m overthinking

OP posts:
eldermillenialmum · 21/05/2025 22:25

Pineapplepie · 21/05/2025 22:23

Is it rude to cancel now. I worry they’ll have paid for a spot for DH and I. But I don’t know if I’m overthinking

Well presumably it's a pay your own drinks and maybe a simple buffet and she happily pulled the BM role from you so pull out if you wish. Sorry I changed my mind there!

Mochi1fudge · 21/05/2025 22:25

I'd not go.

If you can plan something for that day maybe with DH or your mum and then send a card (perhaps small present?) with an RSVP to say you can't attend due to a prior arrangement.

And then step away the better person.

Original poster
Pineapplepie · 21/05/2025 22:26

eldermillenialmum · 21/05/2025 22:23

All the people at the wedding will be at the evening do presumably so not sure how you won't know anyone?

That aside you don't have a right to be invited to the actual wedding just because your friends are, however, I think it's reasonable to raise with her the fact you were pleased when she asked you to be bridesmaid but hurt that she then excluded you without explanation. You say she's getting married imminently so I wouldn't ask her until after the wedding and in the meantime decide whether or not you still want to go.

Personally I think you can't take issue with not being invited to the wedding if you accepted the reception invitation and you must have known sooner that you've been "demoted" from BM duties so it's a bit late to pull out now.

If you're friends with the other BMs you could ask if they know anything but don't cause drama on your friend's wedding.

This. I didn’t care at all that I wasn’t a BM - I don’t mind at all, it’s her wedding and she can do whatever she wants. However I have literally found out in the last 48 hours that her actual wedding is at 11am and I’ve not been invited to it.
I’m not asking for any solutions- just how not to feel so shitty really. 😭😭😭

OP posts:
TheyreLikeUsButRichAndThin · 21/05/2025 22:27

I’m quite a people pleaser and I just want everyone to be happy.

Really?? Do you really want her to be happy? She doesn’t give a shit about you.

Think of it this way - she is happy with you only coming to the evening do. People pleasing achieved, she’s happy OP!

Or, don’t please her and don’t go at all because you wont let yourself be treated that way.

Worryabouteverything · 21/05/2025 22:28

When is the actual date.
Personally I wouldn't go.
She is not a friend.

Thenshevanishes · 21/05/2025 22:29

I personally wouldn’t go. She asked you to be bridesmaid then changed her mind. That’s not very kind and doesn’t sound like something a friend would do

bookworm1982 · 21/05/2025 22:30

So she asked you to be a bridesmaid and then decided she didn’t want you to be one after all? What was her reason for that? Because you didn’t go to the hen? Surely this was a conversation between the two of you, otherwise how else would you know you’re no longer a bridesmaid? And if it was an actual conversation, did you not ask her then what you’d done wrong?

2024onwardsandup · 21/05/2025 22:31

I wouldn’t go and I think you need to accept that she’s not a good friend and the friendship has moved onto much more acquainted ship level

she sounds ghastly so I think you’re well out of it tbh

FloraBotticelli · 21/05/2025 22:32

This is so weird. How have you only just found out? Didn’t she send an invite out ages ago?

Of course you mind not being her bridesmaid - and it’s absolutely okay to mind! Stop shaming yourself for having feelings.

Just say, ‘I’m so sorry I can’t attend, enjoy your special day.’ If she asks why, be honest - ‘I was really hurt to be invited to only the evening do and with very short notice after we talked about me being your bridesmaid ages ago. I really valued your friendship but your actions are telling me you don’t value me. I just need some space.’

Figure out what you want to do long term from there. (Find better friends who value you!)

Original poster
Pineapplepie · 21/05/2025 22:32

bookworm1982 · 21/05/2025 22:30

So she asked you to be a bridesmaid and then decided she didn’t want you to be one after all? What was her reason for that? Because you didn’t go to the hen? Surely this was a conversation between the two of you, otherwise how else would you know you’re no longer a bridesmaid? And if it was an actual conversation, did you not ask her then what you’d done wrong?

No conversation about not being a bridesmaid. Just not invited to weddingy things, no involvement in hen planning, etc etc. I just sort of found out I wasn’t a bridesmaid when all of our friends were doing bridesmaids stuff and I wasn’t invited 😔

OP posts:
BeJollyEagle · 21/05/2025 22:34

So you were asked to be a bridesmaid? Then what happened? You said you never heard anything about BM duties but then a hen was booked? You were replaced by a NB. Who booked this? How many other BM are there?

You’ve now only been given a dinner invitation? Something must have happened? More to this?

Gymmum82 · 21/05/2025 22:34

It sounds like she doesn’t really see you as a close friend. Either that or she’s got shitty that you pulled out of her hen do.
If you pull out of the wedding the friendship is over. But is there much of a friendship there anyway?
Is she someone you used to be close with but now drifted apart? Seems odd that no one in the friendship group has mentioned the wedding up to now. Or is it that you just aren’t involved with them anymore?

TeaAndToast8 · 21/05/2025 22:35

Don’t go! See it as a good reason to practice not being a people pleaser, she doesn’t sound like she values your friendship.

Original poster
Pineapplepie · 21/05/2025 22:37

FloraBotticelli · 21/05/2025 22:32

This is so weird. How have you only just found out? Didn’t she send an invite out ages ago?

Of course you mind not being her bridesmaid - and it’s absolutely okay to mind! Stop shaming yourself for having feelings.

Just say, ‘I’m so sorry I can’t attend, enjoy your special day.’ If she asks why, be honest - ‘I was really hurt to be invited to only the evening do and with very short notice after we talked about me being your bridesmaid ages ago. I really valued your friendship but your actions are telling me you don’t value me. I just need some space.’

Figure out what you want to do long term from there. (Find better friends who value you!)

So she sent the invite out ages ago, but it’s for 3pm so I just assumed she was getting married in the afternoon- and that her wedding started at three and that was that. (Other weddings I’ve been to the evening part starts at say 18:00/19:00 or whatnot) so I assumed (naively) that I was invited to the whole wedding and it was just an afternoon one starting at 1500. I only found out when my mum offered to babysit the Cheif BM daughter. (It’s a child free wedding) two days ago, that she’d need child care from 0730 as the wedding starts at 1100 and not from 14:00 for a 15:00 start!

OP posts:
CluelessAboutBiology · 21/05/2025 22:39

Phone her up and ask when you need to pick up your bridesmaid dress, as you’ve not heard, and listen to her squirm!

FloraBotticelli · 21/05/2025 22:39

I can’t fathom how you can go from talking about being her bridesmaid to not having any chit chat about the wedding in the meantime though. Haven’t you asked her how it’s going and what’s she planning and isn’t she excited blah blah blah?

neilyoungismyhero · 21/05/2025 22:40

She sounds like a complete cow and I wouldn't lower myself to attend. She's apparently ditched you plenty of times now it's your turn to turn the tables.

Original poster
Pineapplepie · 21/05/2025 22:40

BeJollyEagle · 21/05/2025 22:34

So you were asked to be a bridesmaid? Then what happened? You said you never heard anything about BM duties but then a hen was booked? You were replaced by a NB. Who booked this? How many other BM are there?

You’ve now only been given a dinner invitation? Something must have happened? More to this?

I don’t know what though. We text every week, we meet every month, I speak to her on the phone. Nothing materially has changed? I am baffled. Surely if something had happened I’d have noticed? She wouldn’t still be inviting me round to her house if she didn’t like me? She wouldn’t be letting me look after her child? She wouldn’t be asking after DD if she legitimately didn’t like me? I’m absolutely baffled.

OP posts:
Whattodowithateenager · 21/05/2025 22:42

I think you have every right to feel hurt. Even if someone changes their mind about who is BM, if they are any sort of decent friend then they would have a conversation about it, not just phase someone out. That’s awful. Are your other friends that are all childhood friends from the same group of friends etc?

olympicsrock · 21/05/2025 22:42

That is really wierd. Incredibly rude of the bride and not something you will be able to forget.
If you really value the friendship , address it and ask her if something happened. If the answer is just that things change , you are no longer no close then you have your answer.
I suspect it is the latter … move on from the friendship.

olympicsrock · 21/05/2025 22:43

You’ve just told us the answer. She maintains the friendship because you are useful for childcare . She’s a user.