To desperately ask for friend help!

[Pineapplepie]

I need advice. I don’t know what to do.

Childhood best friend is getting married imminently. When she got engaged she asked me to be Bridesmaid
I thought everything was fine. Never heard anything about BM duties. Hen do was booked (somewhere very expensive and foreign that I couldn’t afford to go on) and it was clear new BM had been chosen and I was no longer a bm. No biggie.
But I’ve just found out I’m only invited to the evening do. I thought the wedding only started at 3pm. But I’ve just found out from my other friends, that the actual wedding is at 11:00 and all my friends are still bm, sitting at the top table, and I’m only invited to the evening do. 😭
I’m gutted. My husband didn’t want to go after I’d been demoted from BM duties anyway.
I won’t know anyone at the evening do and I’ll be all on my own. I really don’t know what to do. How to proceed? What to say? How to get out of it.

She clearly doesn’t value me as much as I thought and as much as I value her.

My mum thinks I should pull her up on it. She has form for excluding me, she used exclude me socially a lot, as she used to take illicit substances and didn’t want me to.
I’m quite a people pleaser and I just want everyone to be happy.

I am not being entitled here at all and I totally understand it’s her wedding she can have whoever she does or doesn’t want there and I’m honoured that she wants me to be there for part of her day, but I’m hurt that we’ve been friends for over 20 years and she didn’t feel like she could talk to me before making changes, or cutting me out because I would honestly give her a kidney, I’d do absolutely anything to see her happy.

I’m so so sad. Any advice on how to not be gratefully received

This is just odd. You were asked to be a bridesmaid, presumably accepted and then didn’t ask anything about it, in spite of meeting your friend frequently? You didn’t ask how her wedding planning was going, or if there was anything you could help with? You didn’t ask her about what she wanted you to wear, and dress fittings and rehearsals and so on? You showed absolutely zero interest?

Just weird …. and if I were the B2B I’d be a bit miffed, frankly.

That said, it’s clear she doesn’t really value you as a friend as she hasn’t made any effort either, so I’d decline her invitation to the after-do.

I’d reply saying you are not able to attend and you hope she has a happy day.

If she asks why you’ve changed your mind, I’d be honest and say that her treatment of you has felt unkind and it’s clear she doesn’t much value your friendship. I would perhaps acknowledge that you could have been more active in asking about the plans and your role, but that doesn’t excuse the way she just dropped you.

And have much less contact with her in the future.

Fwiw I think she’s behaved pretty badly and also not been very nice to you either. I’d step away from her tbh.

You sound a nice friend but I think she's using you to look after her child for free, and keeping you at arms length.for whatever reason that may be. I would tell her I'm too busy now to look after your child, I've got a lot on. You'll soon see how much of a friend she is when you're not willing to be used anymore

There’s two choices here. Go, and pretend everything is ok but secretly feel sad. Don’t go, and accept the friendship will probably be over. No way in hell would I be going. She’s shown you what you mean to her.

Please go to therapy and work on your self-esteem.
You are being used and getting treated awfully and the worst thing is, you don't even see it.
You sound lovely, don't let her continue doing this, learn to respect yourself and stand up to her.

But 3pm isn’t evening, are you sure the BM don’t have to be there at 11 to start getting ready etc for. 3pm wedding? Have you actually asked the bride what time the wedding is?

Doesn't sound like she cares about your feelings at all!

Yes, yes and yes !

Might she have made a mistake? This happened to me once (not the bridesmaid part) when a close friend invited me to just the evening do. Considering how close we were and that I’d made plans to travel the six hours and stay in a hotel etc, I did feel a bit shocked and that it was a very long way to go to just be there for the dinner. And I had really wanted to be there for the ceremony. I felt really snubbed and hurt, but luckily I mentioned it to a mutual friend and she said no, of COURSE that couldn’t be right and she would check with bride. Minutes later I got a heartfelt fulsome apology - bride had got her invitations mixed up and sent me the wrong one, no WAY would she not want me to be there to watch them get married! Phew 😅 Could you somehow make sure this isn’t what’s happened here?

Its good to please but not be a people pleaser. because when someone lets us down it hurts. It can cause distress. Please someone who loves you, but like everyone else. I think you should go to the wedding ready to support.

Sounds cruddy - and it sounds like you don't mean as much to her as you thought.
Don't go. Spend the day with your husband and have a lovely time with him instead - go spend the night in a nice hotel with him and have a good time. Don't give this person another thought - they've clearly not given you much of a thought at all.

If they want to know where you are/were they will ask - and you can say that you had a last minute family obligation, plus you weren't invited to the actual wedding anyway, so are sure everything went great without you there. If they want to know what the "family obligation" is then balls to them - it's a private matter (they don't need to know that the obligation was to spent a lovely evening with your husband).

Who gives a shit if it's rude, you're obviously second best

Absolutely certain they all have to be there at 0730!!!

This

It’s pretty poor behaviour to go from potential bridesmaid to evening guest only. It woukd make me reconsider the friendship, especially in light of your other posts.

I'm just wondering when's the meal if evening guests are arriving at 3?! Regardless of ceremony time the meal is usually around 5ish with evening guests at about 7-7:30pm.

If they feed day guests at like 1 everyone is going to be starving later!

It sounds like a very oddly timed day.

I've never heard of a reception starting at 3pm.

You sound lovely but an absolute pushover OP. You would give her a kidney and think you must be a really good friend because she lets you look after her child, and you’ve offered to do childcare at the wedding too! It’s like you have to make yourself useful to be counted as a friend rather than being valued for yourself.

She doesn’t sound so great. 500 guest wedding, now down to 300 but still having evening guests. Wedding starts at 11am and wedding party on duty from 07:30 am. She’s one of those centre of attention people I’m guessing. And she doesn’t care about your feelings. Sorry.

You could drop her a text saying “can’t wait to see you walk down the aisle / into the venue”, “‘can’t wait to hear your vows” and see if she has the guts to tell you that you won’t be seeing any of that.

You could ring her and say - “mutual friend has just told me the wedding starts at 11 but my invitation says 3. What’s going on?
Am I really not invited to your actual wedding?”

You could keep being the people pleaser and just turn up at 3, plaster on a smile and be kind while your so called friend has been anything but. I reckon that’ll hurt though and you’ll spend the day feeling small and awful and sad. You’ll probably get those kids dumped on you too to look after.

It’s up to you of course but do take this opportunity to really evaluate this friendship and how much is give / take and what you really get from it as a person not a supplier of help and services.

I can never understand why brides cut people out like this. I wouldn’t go or even acknowledge it.

You clearly have no value in alcohol 🙂

An evening invitation from 3 is really weird. If the ceremony is at 11 and it's a civil one in the same place as the reception then that will be finishing about 11.45, photos and drinks till about 1 then if it's a full wedding breakfast they'll still be going about 3pm. Why would they want anyone turning up in the middle of speeches?

What does the invitation actually say?

We are going to a wedding reception starting at 3 in a few weeks but that one they are having the actual ceremony a week before with just a few family then on the day everyone is invited from 3 for some speeches, buffet, drinks and dancing etc.

Reading your updates it sounds like you fawn over her too much and people like that never respect you.

I have seen it countless times on here. Women who bend over backwards for others only to be shunned when it comes to events like weddings.

I wouldn’t even tell her I wasn’t going to the evening do and drop her.

If you go you are an utter door mat.

Dont go. No explanation. No excuse.

Just like she did to you.

If she ever calls you on it then you call her on what she did.
But personally I would have no further contact with this person. She is not a friend, what she has done is calculated to hurt and belittle you. Dont let her do it.

She is a complete user. Stop doing things for her! Why are you looking after her children? She doesn't even have the decency to invite you to her wedding but she is using you for childcare.

It says please join us for our wedding party
x & y
wedding location
X June 2025
3pm

just bizarre