To desperately ask for friend help!

[Pineapplepie]

I need advice. I don’t know what to do.

Childhood best friend is getting married imminently. When she got engaged she asked me to be Bridesmaid
I thought everything was fine. Never heard anything about BM duties. Hen do was booked (somewhere very expensive and foreign that I couldn’t afford to go on) and it was clear new BM had been chosen and I was no longer a bm. No biggie.
But I’ve just found out I’m only invited to the evening do. I thought the wedding only started at 3pm. But I’ve just found out from my other friends, that the actual wedding is at 11:00 and all my friends are still bm, sitting at the top table, and I’m only invited to the evening do. 😭
I’m gutted. My husband didn’t want to go after I’d been demoted from BM duties anyway.
I won’t know anyone at the evening do and I’ll be all on my own. I really don’t know what to do. How to proceed? What to say? How to get out of it.

She clearly doesn’t value me as much as I thought and as much as I value her.

My mum thinks I should pull her up on it. She has form for excluding me, she used exclude me socially a lot, as she used to take illicit substances and didn’t want me to.
I’m quite a people pleaser and I just want everyone to be happy.

I am not being entitled here at all and I totally understand it’s her wedding she can have whoever she does or doesn’t want there and I’m honoured that she wants me to be there for part of her day, but I’m hurt that we’ve been friends for over 20 years and she didn’t feel like she could talk to me before making changes, or cutting me out because I would honestly give her a kidney, I’d do absolutely anything to see her happy.

I’m so so sad. Any advice on how to not be gratefully received

When you found out you weren’t a bridesmaid anymore why didn’t you say anything to her? I mean if I was friends with someone like the way you describe surely just speak to them?

I’ve known for about 6 months that I’m not a BM! To clarify. It’s no biggy. I honestly am not that upset about it.
I literally spoke to her about the wedding last week, she said she was excited, I asked if she wanted any help to set anything up? I have helped her pick her son and brothers outfits (the only children attending) and offered to be the nanny if needed, as it’s childfree and I am childcare trained by profession from a very prestigious college. All very normal exciting stuff and no indication at all that I wasn’t part of the wedding despite no longer being BM

This. It doesn’t make sense. Phoning each other, texting all the time. What are you talking about then? Everything BUT a wedding/hen do?

Who initiates the texting? Does she invite you round because you look after her DD?

I can't believe she just switched bridesmaids without a conversation or anything.

She is not your friend and hasn't really ever been from the sounds of it.

the wedding downsized and was rearranged to a smaller venue (500 people capacity to 300 so still plenty of room for little old me to attend all day IMO) , to a different venue and I just assumed there were less bridesmaids to be honest.

I'm sorry but you are coming across as a complete push over.
She is only your friend to look after HER child.

A wedding that starts at 11am is not the sort of wedding I’d be keen to attend. What do they do all day after the ceremony? That’s like 12 hours of wedding, no thanks

We’ve literally spoken loads about the wedding!! That’s what makes it so weird!

they should have thought about that before treating you like shit

Yes we are all friends from school!

You don't have to do anything OP. Just forget it's happening. You don't even need to decline an evening do. It's just the list B list to refresh the guests who have went home.

She's not your friend.

Did she think it was rude to drop you as BM?

But you haven’t answered most basic questions like why didn’t you say anything when you found out you weren’t a bridesmaid? How many other bridesmaids are there? If you talking all the time about the wedding why didn’t you say anything to her?

Because I’m a soggy sock with self esteem issues, who didn’t mind not being a bridesmaid 🤣

4 other BM.
And I’ve not mentioned anything as I’ve only found out, in the past 36 hours, that I’m not actually invited to her wedding.
I work in an NHS peadiatric acute hospital doing 13 hour shifts; and was working yesterday afternoon and all day today so I haven’t spoken to her since I found out, and I haven’t really digested it!

But surely you could have said something to her even if you didn’t mind. You sound like a people pleaser and push over. But I would take some responsibility too. You never said anything to her, talked all the time about the wedding but yet again didn’t ask about your role. It seems your very passive so bride probably thinks you don’t care.

I'm sorry OP, your friend is horrible and not a true friend, and you're taking it like a doormat.

Decline, with dignity, and be done with her.

Don’t give her a kidney

Does she reciprocate with favours - look after your child collect your things.
Is she there for you

I'd not go to the wedding .. you are not really a friend.

This…. After the way she’s treated you, I just wouldn’t turn up

So the consensus is not going, and ignoring

Yes. OP, bluntly, this is what you get for being a people-pleaser. It turns you into a human shadow. You’re so afraid of conflict or giving people reason to dislike you, that there are clearly no consequences whatsoever to, say, ditching you as bridesmaid without actually telling you, because you meekly accept it and don’t mention it, while talking dutifully about the wedding to the bride, your supposed childhood best friend. Clearly it’s also then fine to disinvite you from the wedding, too, because hey, you’re not going to say anything, you’ll just trot about being the nanny for the children attending, as you’re doing. And now you’ve discovered you’re evening-only, you’re ’worried it might be rude to cancel’?

Honestly, OP, if there was ever living proof that people-pleasing doesn’t work, if it’s intention is to ‘be no trouble’ and make people like you, this is it. It just makes you invisible.

You’re worth more than this! You should seize onto feeling ‘shitty’ about being wordlessly denoted from bridesmaid to non-bridesmaid to evening-only, and resolve to stop making yourself so invisible in your friendships. Your friend has of course behaved very badly, but behaving as though you are of no importance and don’t even need to be communicated with is something you are doing.

You really do need to develop a spine. She has excluded you for years now and has been mean to you and yet you’re still pandering and worried about upsetting her if you decline the invite.

send her a message that unfortunately you can’t attend the wedding anymore and wish her all the best.

If she asks why you can tell her you’re not happy that she has excluded you from the main wedding after demoting you as a BM which means you’re not the friends you thought you were, or if you’re not up for confrontation just make something up and keep your distance going forward.

There it is.

You are free childcare.

Stop looking after her kid and you wont see her for dust.

Dont go and drop the using bitch.

I wouldn't be going and I wouldn't care if it was rude to pull out now. If you ask someone to be your BM and then change your mind (which I don't believe you should) then you at least speak to them about it. No-one who is a really good friend would only invite you to the evening part either. Step back from the friendship, it sounds as though she is just using you.